Guilty, Secret Feelings

Ashley - posted on 08/22/2010

I am 19 and have been a stepmom for almost two years now. It was easy at first. We all moved into our own place, the kids (then less than a year, 1, and 3) live with us and got to see their BM every other weekend. I loved being a mom. I used to joke that i was lucky cuz i got to be a mom and not have to go through child birth to get there. December of last year, we all moved in with my mom and my sister. BM still got them every other weekend. February of this year, she moved to California (we are in Iowa). The kids still don't understand why they can't see her. She calls almost everyday and basically says she loves them and bye, doesn't actually talk to them. In these recent months, I have started distancing myself from the kids more and more. Most of it is that the oldest has started throwing fits more and being more violent about it. I love the youngest two to death. I just don't know how much I really love the oldest. I am constantly asking myself why I got into this relationship and try to remind myself of how it used to be. I miss the weekends when they went to their BM's house. I loved having the time away from them. I know that the bio dad would choose his kids over me in a heartbeat but he throws that in my face almost everyday. He loves on them and shows them affection and attention all the time but hardly ever to me. I have also recently started resenting that fact and the kids too. I hate myself for feeling this way and have to remind myself that I chose this but it still doesn't stop the feelings of regret that I feel. I also find myself thinking that I should just sleep with someone else to get pregnant so that maybe I would love them more. I say that because my fiance got a vasectomy all b/cuz his ex-wife wanted him to do it. well now he would have to pay $1500 to get it reversed. I hate him sometimes for that. I don't like being around the kids anymore and find myself yelling more and more and flying into rages and working really hard to not take it out on the kids. I know it is not their fault but I hate the fact that we have the kids all the time and I also here about all the stuff the BM is doing with all her free time now. She also has no intention of moving back. She makes it sound like her kids are not a good enough reason.

Melanie - posted on 06/28/2010

I have afriend who had started out thinking of the kids as nieces, especially as she was auntie (as a close friend of their mothers who had passed away). And she had to rebuild from scratch. She had to start out as friend and work back up to auntie and finally to mommy. This happened when her stepdaughters were 3,3 and 4. They are 16, 16 and 17 now and getting ready to start college.



Other people go through this.



There were days, especially the one where my s-d bit a nearly dime size hole in my arm, that I wondered what I had gotten myself in for and that I must have been crazy to want to be a mother let alone an "evil" stepmother. Now those days are mostly a distant memory and we have many days of Mommy I love you moments.

It helps in a way that my kids biomom abandoned them. But in other ways it makes it harder, especially as they are at the age to question why. Explaining that their mom is sick doesn't help those days, but I no longer feel like I am an intruder because I am the only mom they have known for 3.5 years. The feelings will go when you are both ready and then it will feel natural to love your daughter.

MARICELA - posted on 06/16/2010

umm, its a tough one. I "used" to feel like i wished not that my step daughter didn't exist but that "I" could have brought her to existence and not her mother. The only reason being was that it would have alleviated any/all the issues and battles that we had with her mother the first 2 yrs or so. True be told i LOVE,LOVE my little Bella to death. So much soo that i think/love her as my own flesh and blood. It is different, i'm sure, when you come into a relationship with kids that are older. However in my relatinship i was fortunate enough to have united with little Bella's daddy before she was even out of her mommies womb. Its a long story, lol. But yes my love and i were together before her birth so in effect i have been in her "living life" the same amount of time as her daddy. Naturally i have come to raise, feed, change, care for her along side her daddy. This is a experience i wouldn't have given up for the world. Good luck with your situation hun. I would suggest that the best way to deal with your feelings in a relationship is open communication with your partner/and or a church or community counselor. XOXO

Shereen - posted on 06/16/2010

gees! feel it with you! our lives would be MUCH easier!!!

Kristin - posted on 05/25/2010

I think that all of us at a point of frustration have had those same thoughts. Even though we truely do not mean them. I more than anything wished that it was the bio mother that would just disappear and maybe my realationship with my step daughter would be better. Unfortunately, your step daughter is probably being feed bad remarks or hostility from the bio mother, either on purpose or not. I have had a step daughter for 9 years and she is 11 years old now. We still have issues and probably will continue. But as long as I can say that I tried my best and loved her as much as I do my own child, then there is nothing else to do. There will be a time when that child gets older and realizes all that you have done for them. We are starting to get to that point now. Where she might not like the decisions that I make for her, but she understands why. Others tell me the same thing about me doing a great job. I treat her the same as I do our Son. There are no special privilleges for either one. Just keep at it. It will get better and easier. Maybe try to be more of a friend then a Mother figure. I would say that after I tried that, it did seem to help. Technically she did already have a MOther. But when it comes to rules or discipline, she knows what I say is what I mean. It's a hard job but you can do it.

Ashlee - posted on 05/13/2010

Really, when outsiders see me with her, they say I'm doing great. But I feel like from the inside of our relationship there's this huge HOLE needing to be filled: it's genuine love, affection, and concern for her, and it's something I just can't give to her. The warmth just gets trapped in my heart and throat, and I don't want to give it up. So I feel like I'm living a lie...

Ashlee - posted on 05/13/2010

You know, it's tough, because I've been in her life since before she can remember, so she's never known life without me. But she is also very close with her mother, which you'd think would ususally be a good thing, except that her mother HATES my husband and is constantly doing ANYTHING she can to manipulate SDau into disliking or not trusting her dad and me. So SDau is conflicted because when she's at our house, she enjoys her time and we get along well, and when she's at her mother's, she has to act like she doesn't like us. Plus, her mother doesn't care about nutrition, naps, or schedules, so she's the "fun" house where SDau gets to eat whatever she wants and go on lots of all-day adventures, just the two of them. Our house is more about structure and spending lots of quality time with our side of the family (including 2 sets of grandparents, great grandparents, etc.), which we feel is ultimately more important but is also less fun the older she gets.

So then when she says things like "I wanna go to my mama's" or stops using the Mommy term with me for a few days after returning from the other house, it really stings. I find myself thinking, 'i've sacrified so friggin much for you, kid, you have NO idea... and yet you still don't really care cuz you have your real mom."

My husband says she does care and asks about me often while I'm at work, but she has this terrible 'game' she plays where she ignores me blatantly and with significant effort when I come home from work. I wonder why the hell I should be having to work so hard for her affection and attention. If she doesn't want to give it to me, then fine, go play by yourself and see if I care.

I know this makes me sound like a horrible stepmom, but I never actually act on these impulses, and my husband says I'm doing fine. But geez, it really sucks sometimes...

Michelle - posted on 05/13/2010

Man do I know how you feel. I heard for a fact the other day that my stepdaughter "didn't like" me. That stung worse than I could have ever thought. When her Dad asked why, she couldn't or wouldn't come up with an answer either. She just did. I hope and pray it gets better because right now, I am focusing most of my energy on her little brother who gets thrown to the wayside due to her attitude.

Angie - posted on 03/24/2010

I have those thoughts too. My stepson has a host of emotional and developmental problems stemming from his crappy biological mother that are mainly taken out on me. I feel terrible for resenting him because I know it's not his fault, but it is extremely frustrating when the child you're trying to help hates you after years of sacrificing and doing what's best for him.

Amanda - posted on 03/05/2010

I feel that way sometimes. I hate myself for haveing these feelings but how can you really make them go away?

Brandy - posted on 01/20/2010

It's common. There are several reasons. I don't know the details since you didn't post them, but I can tell you from experience that "I've been there". When the kids weren't around I felt like I was number one - I was important and what I wanted mattered. When the kids were around, I seemed to melt into the background. I felt like it was "them" against me; I was an intruder into their pre-made family.



It's normal - all things said - and there can be many reasons for it. But it gets better! The better your relationship gets with your SD, the better your life seems. You seem to be honest about "not wanting to be a mom" to begin with - and this could lend a LOT to your feelings. The fact of the matter is this - and this, I promise you, is my honest look on being a stepparent -



Parents have this "unconditional" love for their children from the moment they set their eyes on them (most parents, anyhow). Stepparents are stepping into a premade family and are expected to just "be". It doesn't work. Just like you fell in love with your man, you have to learn to fall in love with your SD. Its a relationship. It has to grow. And I can't promise that that feeling will ever go away - but it should get less frequent.



I've been a "stepmom" for 10 years now, since I was 19, and the first 5 years were pure hell. But its gotten better and within the last 2 years, I love MY kids. At somepoint, they stopped being the "stepkids" or "his kids". They are OUR kids - MY kids. I don't wish them gone - I don't wish they didn't get in the way. Don't get me wrong - we still have our struggles - but even bioparents have problems with their kids.



Don't feel guilty. Don't beat yourself up over it. Try to figure out WHY you feel that way - is it a case of jealousy? Resentment? Talk to someone - get it figured out and don't let it ruin the relationship you can have with your SD - believe it or not, you could be the most influential person in her life. We, as Stepmoms, we get the best of both worlds and sometimes, if the cards play out right, you become MORE than just a "stepmom". Good luck!