how can i get on better terms with the bio mom?

Katie - posted on 10/16/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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The bio mom and I are pretty much on a non-talking basis. I always wonder if I should try to talk to her. I have. I have invited her over to our house, and to our children's bday parties with my step-daughter, but she resents my husband, I think. She's really immature, and I'm trying to find a way to open lines of communication with her and become at least civil. She keeps my stepdaughter from us a lot, and I think that if we had a better relationship with her we'd get to see Lili more...

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Elizabeth - posted on 11/11/2010

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Katie,
Some biomom such as myself likes to keep their lives personal as possible. I'm not really sure how she is immature because she won't talk to you though. I don't talk to my sons step-mom unless i absolutely have to lol which is very rare.

You'll find biomoms that want to talk to step-mom but step-mom doesn't want to talk to her it goes both ways.

Brandy - posted on 01/20/2010

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Hi! Reading your post I have to give you props! Not every SM wants to "get along" with the BM... it's a hard life. I've been with my husband for 10 years. My stepkids were 5 and 8 when we got together and now they are 18 and 15. It's been a long hard road. In some ways, we can be "civil" but in all reality, she's never grown up and doesn't like to take responsibility for her own actions. I tried for years - I still try now and then - but at some point, you realize that it isn't going to happen if you force the issue. Some people don't think the way we do! =] All I can tell you, from experience, is that the best things to do are to 1) be as "civil" as you can; even when she isn't 2) don't let her interfere with the way you treat your SD and 3) understand that if you've tried and she backs off, it's her own fault.

As kids get older, they WILL understand what is going on and they will figure out who they want to blame. It's important NOT to point the finger yourself, let them decide for themselves. Our two finally decided they wanted to live with us. After a year of fighting, we now have custody. Her decision to separate herself from us separated her from them as well. She pushed them away. Now they are old enough to make that decision and she HAS to live with the consequences.

It's not an easy job - just don't ever stoop to her level and let your SD know how much you love her!

Ashlee - posted on 01/19/2010

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Perhaps I'm in a slightly different boat, but I figure there's no point in "trying to get on good terms" with BM. If she's angry at all, she's going to make your life hell any way she can, and there really isn't much you can do about it. Remember, you're the "other" woman and there is nothing you can say that will change her feelings before she is ready to.

All I do is simply try to interact with her as little as possible. The one she really "hates" is my husband, her child's father, and they're really the ones who need to work it out. It's not your responsibility to make everything OK with the ex - though it IS of course your responsibility to keep the children oblivious of the tension as much as possible by simply not discussing the other household, if you can't do so with a genuinely positive attitude. (And most of us can't, so it's often better to generally avoid the subject rather than pretend you actually like BM- a lie kids easily pick up on.)

And yes, they will eventually grow up and start to wonder what's going on - "Mom says Dad and Stepmom are the bad guys but they don't seem like it!" So when the kids ask "do you like my Mom" I simply say the truth - I don't know her very well and she doesn't know me, because it's more important that we know and love THEM (the children) instead.

Katie - posted on 10/20/2009

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Thanks! I've let her know that I just want whats best for her daughter. She says she just wants to get on with her life away from us, but its impossible since she and my husband share a child! I told her we didn't have to be friends, but just civil, because that will be least confusing for Lili. Lili really likes us and loves coming over and always says, "Can I come tomorrow too?" But she knows that her mother doesn't like us so she always feels confused when we're around each other. She likes us, but wants to please her mom and she's really confused. I feel like the bio mom is letting her feeling get in the way of whats best for Lili :( this is sad.

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13 Comments

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Yellow - posted on 05/14/2011

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Well, I tried to open lines of communication. As much as she tried to ruin my relationship with my husband even before we got married, I knew I loved those children, and they meant more to me than she ever would. You can try to communicate with her, if you feel it will make you feel better knowing you at least tried... but she does not sound like the type that cares at all what you have to say. My husband's ex and I are civil when present in front of each other, we both put on fake smiles knowing that the other one cant stand the other... My husband's ex actually even tries to invite herself into my house so she can see her "kids" room... when really she just wants to be a nosey b**** and see the life my husband and I share. She also does this as a control. She feels that she has full entitlement with everything over me... simply because she and he had kids... well rule one... you lose that right the minute the divorce is over. She is more than likely jealous of you and wants as little to do with you as possible.

If you want to try, then I recommend you doing it, it will put your mind at ease knowing you tried. :)

Elizabeth - posted on 11/11/2010

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Katie,
I just want to say that I think its nice of you to invite her over, but if she has declined you can walk away knowing you did your best.

Megan - posted on 01/18/2010

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I agree and as long as she see that you and your husband are wonderful and happy she will just have to deal with it.

LaQuida - posted on 12/27/2009

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It looks like you have tried all that you can do. I was in the same situation and all you have to do is kill her with kindness. Eventually she will grow up and get over herself. You just stick in there and continue to kill her with kindness! ;D

Katie - posted on 11/18/2009

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Yeah, and the sad thing is she doesn't even believe that she's hurting Lili at all. She has told Lili to flick her dad off before, call him bad names, and once she told Lili to "drink a lot of Mountain Dew so your dad won't be able to control you" before she came over. When Lili comes she says, "My mom told me to ____ but I don't want to because I love you." She doesn't understand why her mom would tell her to do this stuff. She's very confused. It's all very sad. I wish we had enough money to do something about it, but lawyers are expensive and these cases get dragged out forever. :( Thank you for your words, tho.

Alexandra - posted on 11/08/2009

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This is hard. My step kids know their mom hates me (for no other reason than marrying their father after she cheated on him and left...I know it's not personal it would be anyone in my shoes) but don't know why. They asked me flat out one day why their mom didn't like me an dI answered HONESTLY: That their mom and I didn't even know each other well enough to like or not like each other, that not everyone can like every other person out there, and other than that they would have to ask her because I didn't know. I also toldthem I'm quite fine if she doesn't like me, that everyone is going to have lots of people that like them and some who don't thats just the way it is. They can relate with teh kids they go to school with - some u like, some not, it doesn't change when you grow up.

Stand as firmly as you have to when it comes to things involving you. If it involves you and your life, it is your business no matter that "your name isn't on the divorce papers" (She told me that once. And no, it isn't, but who actually cooks and cleans and does their laundry and tucks them in?) Don't let anyone walk over you and answer the kids as honestly as you possibly can.

Its hard but in reality, if she wants to play these games it's only her they're going to come back and bite when the kidsa re old enough to get it. It's very sad that when some kids get older they are going to have to learn some hard truths about their bio-moms - they DID lie, they DID cheat on your Dad, they DID make selfish decisions that hurt people...but unfortunately we can't re-write reality, just try to soften the blows.

Good luck. The fact is, we have to acknowledge BM's and they can ignore us whenever they choose. As long as you do your best to move forward with your family, forget about her. She's making her own bed where her kids feelings are concerned.

Katie - posted on 10/21/2009

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That's what I'm hoping for. She's 5 now. I know she loves us and I know that she knows that we love her. Beyond that, I'm not sure how much she understands. She just knows that Mom doesn't like us but she does. We never talk badly about her mom in front of ANY of the kids. I just hope when she's like 10, she'll realize how much her mom lied to her this whole time about everything

Megan - posted on 10/21/2009

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It's very sad. My best friend is in the same boat. My kiddos are young so they dont have a clue yet. Sooner or later Lili will realize whats better.

Megan - posted on 10/20/2009

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I had a problem with that as well. I started out letting her know that i wasnt here to take her place. As in with the children. But i did stand a firm ground on what i belived in and made sure that she was aware that she would not run over me. I told her that she knew as well as i did that what is best for the children is that we all be civil. That doesnt mean we have to like each other. It means that for the childrens sake we get along when needed. In the end by not being there for certain things for her children she will realize that she has missed a lot. And she will realize that it couldnt be different. I try not to let it bother me. If she knows its bothering you the thats what she want. Most ex's or bio moms dont want it to be easy on you at all. Just keep a smile on your face and know that you are the better and bigger person in the long run and it will all work out.

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