Has anyone adopted an older child?

Delana - posted on 06/13/2012

I just noticed that your post was from 3 years ago. Are you still getting on Circle of Moms? We adopted our daughter from Thailand at age 6 (5 years ago). The first year was the most challenging, but she has made so much progress through the years. Hope you and your son and family are well.
Blessings,
Delana
http://9yrpregnancy.com

S~ - posted on 06/01/2010

We adopted my eldest at age 23 months from India still at age 10, She has major issues, grief, auditory processing, developmental delays, strabismus, teeth issues. Very attached to Daddy (ignored Mommy for years but its much much better now). She had pneumonia the first 3 years of her life. Someday she will wake up with out a runny nose I hope.. She has been growing into a wonderful daughter and its been a good growing experience for me, even if it has been very hard at times.



I was very hesitant to adopt again since DD1 consumed so much of my life with dr.s appointments and speech and therapy. But 2 years ago we adopted a 5 year old who turned 6 a week later. She had been abandoned due to health issues. She is now 7 turning 8 very soon!



They are like Night an Day these to girls of mine. The older adoption was far easier than the toddler adoption due to Really really good care. She was in an intact family for 4 years then placed in foster care. Very low attachment issues bit bad around Daddy as her birth father abandoned her. But she only has a few food issues and a bag of Cheerios or an apple to sleep with calms that. She is a pleaser so we rejoiced the first time she was bad. She's just claimed us as her family and never looked back.



Last year I placed my eldest DD1 in nuro developmental therapies, It has greatly reduced her behavior problems. Helped her in school (this is on top of special ed) and made life at home not just livable but joyful, fun and happy. I can see a lot of her behavior was due to not being able to express herself well. All of that is changing in fits and starts, she still is pendulum child (good to bad, able to unable) but not nearly as bad as it used to be. Like Amy said "Every day is an adventure!"

Amy - posted on 10/11/2009

Both of our boys were adopted from Hong Kong, and were 5 when they came home. Our oldest is now 10, and the youngest 7. We initially had cultural, social, and language issues. My hubby is an adult adoptee from Korea, and I think this has helped our boys tremendously. I think the biggest issue with our 10 year old, is how much he misses his foster mother. Adopting older children is such a blessing, but necessitates a whole different skill set of needed parenting skills. Every day is an adventure.



Amy

Renee - posted on 09/07/2009

Aabesh was 3 1/2 when He came Home from India.At 4 his mH things like adhd/bipolar started to manifest.It hasn't been easy here either .He adjusted well when He arrived.

Viv - posted on 07/14/2009

You sound a lot like us - and our experience.  I must admit, I would now say the functional issues are a walk in the park in comparison with the emotional issues, long term educational issues, etc.... I'm stubborn too - a much needed trait in a mum, I reckon :-)   My husband also travels frequently!  Viv        Quoting Lara Lynn:

The issues we have faced with an older child were initially very functional like language, food and rules. Rules were a huge one for us. Maybe I should say behavior expectations instead of rules. Living in an orphanage, even a good one, meant a lot of aggressive behavior was accepted. Kids would hit, scratch, grab, jump on eachother and push to get what they wanted. Younger kids had to take it as age determines position in Asian culture. Ian is much better, but every so often it still comes out. He also had to learn to respect me as well as his dad. I don't know about China, but in Korea moms are ignored and disrespected and dads are feared when children are little. Ian had a big wake up call when he found out that I was serious about him obeying me, not just dad. I did holding with him a lot (not fun and very sweaty). It's a good thing that I am stubborn too because all of this was exhausting but very important especially since my husband travels frequently. He also has memories, of course, of orphanage life and his parents. He will tell us, but usually he acts out for a while before I figure out that something is really bothering him. Then I can ask him and he usually tells me. We are honest with him about not knowing why grown ups make choices that hurt kids so badly. We try to sort out a few things, but I don't want to say "They did it because they loved you so much" when I don't know that and from what I do know it doesn't seem to be the case. Once he gets out the tears, we can snuggle and move on. Sometimes these things don't happen at the best time, like right after school or when I need to help my other kids. Language and reading have been difficult, but our school has given him a private tutor every day for an hour and a half ( we were so surprised!) and it has really helped. He also has ADHD with a super capital H and is being assessed for other issues like possible OCD. Goodness!
Those are the major issues, but like I told him yesterday he wouldn't get help for so many of these things back at the orphanage. He would be spending his life getting in trouble and wondering what was wrong with him. He also needed glasses very badly and orphanages just don't do that.
He is a bright, funny boy even with all of his issues. We love him (my heart baby as I call him) and are committed to helping him. The older kids really feel like hopeless cases since they aren't cute little babies anymore.
I hope that all of that is realistic, but not discouraging. We also have 2 bio kids with ADD and possible sleep disorders that take just as much energy, attention and trips to the doctor, sleep specialist and a counselor. Every kid is different too. Other kids we know from the same orphanage never talk about their parents and are progressing in school much better than Ian but they all have their stuff and they're all worth it!













Those are the major challenges

Viv - posted on 07/14/2009

We have 2 girls adopted from China at ages 3.5 and 4 years - now 12 and 9.5.... and it hasn't been an easy ride! Attachment issues, grief issues which surface time and time again, anger at what has happened to them, educational issues, auditory processing....... much of what I attribute to early neglect and orphanage care (an oxymoron?)

Beverly - posted on 07/01/2009

Our daughter was 8 1/2 when we adopted her from Vietnam. It has been a rather difficult road with her as well. She is our 2nd adopted child, but the oldest in the family. She only spent a year in an orphanage, but she has the memories of her birth family and know that her birth mother died. Trauma all around!

She is 15 now so we have the usual teen problems to add to the attachment. I wouldn't *actually* trade her, but some days.....LOL

Lara Lynn - posted on 02/26/2009

The issues we have faced with an older child were initially very functional like language, food and rules. Rules were a huge one for us. Maybe I should say behavior expectations instead of rules. Living in an orphanage, even a good one, meant a lot of aggressive behavior was accepted. Kids would hit, scratch, grab, jump on eachother and push to get what they wanted. Younger kids had to take it as age determines position in Asian culture. Ian is much better, but every so often it still comes out. He also had to learn to respect me as well as his dad. I don't know about China, but in Korea moms are ignored and disrespected and dads are feared when children are little. Ian had a big wake up call when he found out that I was serious about him obeying me, not just dad. I did holding with him a lot (not fun and very sweaty). It's a good thing that I am stubborn too because all of this was exhausting but very important especially since my husband travels frequently. He also has memories, of course, of orphanage life and his parents. He will tell us, but usually he acts out for a while before I figure out that something is really bothering him. Then I can ask him and he usually tells me. We are honest with him about not knowing why grown ups make choices that hurt kids so badly. We try to sort out a few things, but I don't want to say "They did it because they loved you so much" when I don't know that and from what I do know it doesn't seem to be the case. Once he gets out the tears, we can snuggle and move on. Sometimes these things don't happen at the best time, like right after school or when I need to help my other kids. Language and reading have been difficult, but our school has given him a private tutor every day for an hour and a half ( we were so surprised!) and it has really helped. He also has ADHD with a super capital H and is being assessed for other issues like possible OCD. Goodness!

Those are the major issues, but like I told him yesterday he wouldn't get help for so many of these things back at the orphanage. He would be spending his life getting in trouble and wondering what was wrong with him. He also needed glasses very badly and orphanages just don't do that.

He is a bright, funny boy even with all of his issues. We love him (my heart baby as I call him) and are committed to helping him. The older kids really feel like hopeless cases since they aren't cute little babies anymore.

I hope that all of that is realistic, but not discouraging. We also have 2 bio kids with ADD and possible sleep disorders that take just as much energy, attention and trips to the doctor, sleep specialist and a counselor. Every kid is different too. Other kids we know from the same orphanage never talk about their parents and are progressing in school much better than Ian but they all have their stuff and they're all worth it!



























Those are the major challenges

Cynthia - posted on 02/21/2009

What type of issues have you faced? We are on the waiting list to adopt a infant from China> However, if VN opens up again I would be open to adopt one of the older children that didn't get adopted before the program closed down.