birthmom wants photos after a year

Sara - posted on 11/03/2009 ( 29 moms have responded )

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Hi all, I was wondering if anyone was in the same boat as we are. Our adopted son is 17 1/2 months old and we havent heard from his birthmom in over a year now then the other day out of the blue we got an email from our attorney saying the birthmom wants photos of him. We are not sure what to do or what to expect. We agreed at placement that we would send phots but the birthmom didnt want any contact whatsoever, and now we're not sure what we should do. We both have mixed feelings about it. I know that she is his birthmom and everything, but we are scared that she might want him back even though the adoption has been finalized. Is there any chance she can take time back???

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Michele - posted on 03/01/2010

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I waited until my birthdaughter was over a year to request photos. That first year was a time for me to heal, and begin to start my life over. I wanted pictures, but knew I had to wait. It is not necessarily that she wants him back, she may just need to know that he is okay. I still wish and pray everyday that my daughters parents would only respond. They agreed to pics occasionally, and have not sent them. The heartbreak is to find a couple whom you believe will be good parents, and promise to send some pics and info and then never do. Take the time to send some pics, and reassure her, she made the right choice. Communication is a wonderful thing.

Cheryl - posted on 11/05/2009

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She has probably been thinking about him, which is perfectly normal and just wants to see how he is doing. I say send her some pics. Just because she wants to see photos doesn't mean she is going to come and take him back. But once his adoption is finaly, she cannot take him back. If you are uncomfortable sending them directly to her, let your attorney send them to her. You might start a relationship, which will be good for everyone down the road, especially as your son gets older. I'm an adoptive mom, and we have an open adoption with both birthparents, and they refer to us as mom and dad, so relax.

Amy - posted on 12/06/2010

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If you agreed at placement to send pictures, have you been sending them? It sounds like maybe she was working through her grief and now she would just like to see pictures of him as she was promised at placement? It seems totally reasonable to me that maybe she is finally getting up the courage to ask for what she was promised. I wouldn't worry about her asking for custody or anything, I think she just wants pictures. She can't take them back. Just send her some pictures as the agreement stated.

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J M - posted on 01/16/2013

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Was this clear that it was to be a Open Adoption?

Sara Free - posted on 11/03/2009 YOU SAID" QUOTE" We agreed at placement that we would send photos but the birthmom didn't want any contact whatsoever.

1)"Did you get that all that in writing at the time"?

2)did she sign to that? If not, because of the clauses of Open adoption she may feel she has the right to pop in what ever.

3)However you still made a Clear VERBAL agreement/ intention you have said here yourself to send a Photo

4) Open adoption can be a lot of shades of GREY. and emotional side you to may not be ready for, but you must of been clear what a Open Adoption as in the first place.

5)Because of the BIO Mother and your own agreement on a Open Adoption, "means she really wanted some part some time in her babies life, but had to try and deal with her own grief, while sticking to her side and allowing you to bond.( Just just Photos "no visitation rights" ?)

Good Faith agreements means a ton of trust issues.

6) If you did get it in Writing with a witnesses to sign, that "she said did not want any photos or psychical contact then its unmistakably clear, with no confusion of her intentions"

With adoptions Get it in Writing, get it witnessed, get it clear.
7) even if she feels to change later on, you can avoid any unnecessary feeling of been unfairly being torn into 2 or more directions, between Loyalties, and others changes of mind depending where they are at all the time.

8)Deal with your own insecurities, after all you did agree to it been Open, and will have her always near in your life one way or another.

9)Be Confident, you need to know you are the babies Mum first.... not its NOT full time baby sitter, as some have agreement for the bio Mum to pop in each week! or mthy; what ever um makes some wonder why they ever adopted out in the first place, "as very convenient agreement for them".

( But what some bio Mum in a Open Adoption say with visiting rights, if you as the new full time parent freely decided to move to a different place? Still photo each yr a simple way for all)? Up to you.


10)You are the Mother in all the full senses, in the end your Loyalties are first with your child's best interest, and as the child has never meet the bio Mum,( remember you said she did not want any contact what so ever)

so trust the fact that "she has no say and no power you or over the baby to take it back" For her she needs to deal with the emotional part eg: Photo you agreed to on Placement then simply do it:) , You need to deal with your own insecurities, your Loyalties are always with your baby/child.

Thats your answer above. "You had a agreement with the BirthMom" Thats what OPEN Adoption is all about, and and Adoption way does not work always in the best interest for the child( but thinking of other Adults in the mix all the time and their interests can create divided Loyalties babies), but you still agreed to it to send a pick to the bio Mum.

Open Adoption is a true Legal adoption in all its full sense,however parts made in Good Faith, like did you agree to visits etc? Re sort with a Lawyer, if it was just a photo , then give a photo after each Birthday? up to you.

" Be true to your word no matter how she was back then", as is a HUGE thing to give up a baby/ child,she was only trying to deal with it the way she felt she could have at the time.

Take photo to your Lawyer "with clear boundaries" eg," send a pic a year even lest you have done it, she has given up all her rights of care for the child, there for your are the babies parent in al the true sense.

As she has not been a part for so long, she had to allow to to bond, you set the pace, lest you would have known you have done the part you promised to do once sent a photo.

Anne - posted on 07/18/2012

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Dear Sara,
You are your child's Mommy. But when your child is grown, he might seek her out, just to fufill his own sense of self. Send her the pictures and thank her for the amazing gift she give your family. Nothing will get in the way of what you already have and you will be doing the right thing.
God Bless
Annemarie

Danielle - posted on 07/13/2012

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As long as the adoption has been finalized, she cannot take him back, he is your son now.

And just to be honest, it ticks me off that you agreed to send photos to your sons birth mom and now that she wants them, is asking for them, you are not doing it?!?! Makes no sense. All she want is some photos of the son she placed for adoption. You should count yourself lucky that she wants to have photos of him. Our son is 3 1/2 now and despite all our letters, pictures and invitations to meet and pay for everything, she has completely ignored us and him.

Danielle - posted on 07/13/2012

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As long as the adoption has been finalized, she cannot take him back, he is your son now.

And just to be honest, it ticks me off that you agreed to send photos to your sons birth mom and now that she wants them, is asking for them, you are not doing it?!?! Makes no sense. All she want is some photos of the son she placed for adoption. You should count yourself lucky that she wants to have photos of him. Our son is 3 1/2 now and despite all our letters, pictures and invitations to meet and pay for everything, she has completely ignored us and him.

Maria - posted on 05/27/2012

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Ok I did not read all the messages. I was adopted am I wish I had a photo of my birth mom. So I say turn the table. Give her a photo and get one too. I don't know how much personal info you gave her but this way you know what she looks like if she starts snooping around in your life.

Barbara - posted on 05/21/2012

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I know this is an old post, but I'm curious how this turned out. Hopefully, it turned out well.

I'm an adoptive mother with a 2 year old daughter and an open adoption.

She can't take him back, I'm sure she just wants to know how he's doing. I don't know what your circumstance is, but you can pass pictures through your attorney or adoption agency if you are worried. And it would be a nice gesture on your part to include a letter on how he's doing, walking, talking, etc.

I have a very open adoption, so her biological parents can see pictures and updates on Facebook whenever she wants to. However I still do a "formal" letter with pictures and drawings every 6 months (it was every 3 the first year). Look at it as an opportunity to brag without boundaries about how wonderful your son is doing!

If it helps, I'm glad we became close with her biological family, I'll have so many more answers for her as she's growing up.

7rin - posted on 04/16/2012

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Unfortunately for your son, no, his mom can't take him back.



As for sending photo's, why is it any skin off your nose? I mean, it's hardly like she's asking you to, oh, I dunno, let her raise your son for you, now is it.



Don't be mean, send her the pic's, and for the sake of your son, keep her as close in your lives as she's capable of being (I say capable 'cause can you even begin to imagine how difficult it must be to watch your own kid call someone else mom and/or dad? - jus' think about it).

Jessalynn - posted on 04/12/2012

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As a birthmom who has a very healthy open adoption i am going to be blunt. hopefully you get this because this post is old. If you lvoe this birthmom who tore her soul apart to give you this beautiful child i HIGHLY suggest you be willing to be open. There are a ton of studies that shows they heal quickly if they have pictures to see that the child is doing well. My adoptive couple has a blog they updated just for me. it is private and i can look at it when i want. now we just talk on facebook and text eachother and adoptive mom and i are really good friends. help her out and send her some pictures.

Dallas - posted on 11/08/2010

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A promise should never be broken. Keep your word and remember she gave up her child for you to have a child. She just needs to know that she has done the right thing and that her child is doing well. I am a birth mom that never received any pictures and I had no contact with my child for 16 years and that was not my choice. I was lied to and betrayed. I finally found the child that I placed for adoption and we have been in reunion since April 2004. I regret placing my child and my child was abused by her adoptive parents. They played games with her mind and told her complete lies about me. Be honest and never say anything negative regarding the birthmom or birth family. That is the very worst thing that you could ever do.

Marci - posted on 02/05/2010

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I have adopted 2 babies from birth and have a relationship with both birthmoms. It seems that about 18 months after they give birth they tend to mourn the whole thing. I'm sure she is not going to try to get the baby back, but just wants to see pictures. Our boys are 8 and 7 now. Every state is different with adoption laws. In fl, once signed it's a done deal. you can look up adoption laws for your state if that will make you more comfy. I hope this helps and feel free to ask any question you have.

Trista - posted on 01/29/2010

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Once the adoption is finalized, the birth mother can't take the child back. I had my son when I was 17 years old and placed him for adoption. It took me 6 months before I could see my child for the first time. For others, it takes longer.
My son knows who am I and I am allowed to call him whenever I want. I see him once or twice a year. (I am called by my first name.)
As for pictures, send them. The photos I have of my son are priceless and I treasure them.

If you have any other questions, please feel free to contact me at TristaBlake@yahoo.com.

Angela - posted on 01/28/2010

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I say give them to her. She made a huge sacrifice for you. no she can't have him back if it is finalized.

Denise - posted on 01/27/2010

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Hi - we are the adoptive parents of a 3 year old and are just adopting our 2nd child with the same birth mother. We have been sending pictures every 3 months to our agency and thought that she was getting them, but found out that for a couple of years she was out of pocket. Apparently that happens a lot - probably what happened with your birth mother. We are now back in touch and so far it has been great. I think that she is just interested and wondering how everything is going. She can't take him back now that the adoption is finalized. We have made the decision that we will keep in touch with her as much as she can - although they may be off and on over the years. Although that is difficult for us to understand - any contact is good for now and the future. Good luck!

Laurie - posted on 01/21/2010

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Hi Sara, Just saw the post and wanted to share with you. I am an adoptive mother and use to be an adoption social worker before I moved overseas. I worked with birthmothers and adoptive parents, so I know both sides well. I understand that you feel threatened to have this just pop up. However, your adoption is final and you agreed to send pictures. Then that is what you do. The child is your child and cannot be taken back... the birthmother will always think of that child and it is good and healthy to receive pictures to allow her to process her grief and move on in life. Working for an agency we asked all adoptive parents to send a picture once year (or more if agreed upon) even if the birthmother said no pics. We would save those pics in the files and then if the birthmother ever did ask we could send the pics we had. That way it didn't freak adoptive parents out when out of the blue the birth parents would contact us because we didn't need to contact them. We had birthparents contact us quite a bit. Even ones that hadn't asked for a picture for many, many years. This did not mean that they wanted the child back, just that they needed to know if the child was okay and that they were not awful people for choosing adoption. It is natural for a birthmother to always wonder about her child. Even the ones who choose not to know or see pics wonder. Sending the picture will help validate the birthmothers decision that she chose you. And it will show her the respect that she needs as the birthmother.

It is also natural for the adoptive parents to feel an little insecure about the birthfamily. Maybe you should set up an agreement with your lawyer to send in pics once a year and avoid the unnecassary stress of hearing from your lawyer out of the blue.

Try to relax, just remember as joyful as your emotions were to adopt your child, there is another that had to go through equally opposite emotions for you to have that day. By adopting you have made her a part of your family in a way. It is always good to show your child that you are not scared, but thankful for this precious women and the sacrifice she made to help you be a family (even if the pregnancy came out of bad decisions in life). This doesn't mean you have to have the relationship with the birthmother, just the respect will do wonders when your child asks down the road. It will also do wonders for the birthmother for a lifetime.

Blessings,
Laurie

Retha - posted on 01/17/2010

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Hi Sara, I am too a mom who adopted our son at birth. According to our State law in Calif. once the adoption is final. No birth parent of the child can come back and demand rights. If you had an open adoption, or were willing to send pictures. Then send a picture through the attorney. You have that right as an adopted Parent to determine how many pictures. She probably is curious about what he looks like. You are his parents and it is normal for you to feel this way.

[deleted account]

NO! She can't take your child away. Her rights were over after the CCO went through court. Period! We were in the same boat one year ago...our adoption had NOT been finalized, and all of a sudden she wanted to see our daughter. We were feeling really threatened by the entire family, as we have a fully open adoption with a very large family. And every single month they were changing the plan we had first agreed to. One thing i can say is in the end of a very messy adoption agreement we have a Really solid relationship with them now, including Birth Mom. And it is so healthy for your son to know where he came from..he will have the understanding at 3...my daughter is 3 , and tells her friends very clearly that she grew in Kathryn's tummy, before she came to Mommy and Daddy. When her friend s ask who is Kathryn? She says very matter of factly ...my birf muver, whom by the way we have pictures displayed of around the house. Birth Mom just wants to know he's healthy and ok, and that she made the right decision. Don't feel be threatened by her just wanting to know...she made a VERY selfless decision to give YOUR child the life she knew she could not provide him. She deserves just a bit of a glance of whome he's with...why not make a little non identifying book of YOUR family's life? We gave our BM a little digital keychain with 100 photos on it. cost $10.00. It brought her to tears, and she said it was the best gift she had ever received in her life. She just wants to know...I know this post is very late, but I hope it may change your view for the future...all my best Niki

Jennifer - posted on 01/13/2010

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our son is 19 months and birth mom just asked us for pics too. she also dropped the bombshell that she is 6 months pregnant and wants us to adopt this child as well. unfortunately, we do not have 30k to adopt this child but we are sending the pics. i found it strange she wanted pics and i still am unclear as to whether she wanted to see how our son is or if it had something to do w/her being pregnant again and contimplating placement again. however, your son is yours and she cannot change her mind now so in my opinion a few photos cant hurt. just be sure to send them throught your attorney and make sure the photos do not have your name, address, etc in them so she cant figure out where you are.

[deleted account]

We had an agreement with one of our kids' birthmoms to send a yearly letter. We include a picture because we think it helps to reassure her that he's doing well. I understand your anxiety about suddenly hearing from her, but I agree with the other posters who said she is probably needing to see pictures to help her with the grieving process.

Stephanie - posted on 01/09/2010

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I don't think that she will be able to take him back if the adoption has been finalized I think they only have 6 months to change their minds at least that was the way it was when I was adopted 23 years ago. It was probably just hard for her to accept that she gave her child up but still wants to see that he is doing well I don't think it would hurt to let her have some pics of him

Mandi - posted on 11/19/2009

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There is no chance she can get him back so don't worry. She is probably just wondering how he is doing and may just now be ready to start dealing with everything that has happened. She will most likely see pictures and see how beautiful and happy he is and know she made the right choice. If you originally agreed to pictures and have since changed your mind it may cause some resentments for her. I have an open adoption with both of my son's birthmoms and it is really great. No one loves and adores your child as much as you do, and when someone out in the world thinks your child is the cutest, funniest, smartest kid on the planet besides you, it is very wonderful. Its one more person out there to love your child, what harm can be done.

[deleted account]

Also that is totally up to you two. Moat caseworkers would tell you the same. They would probably advise against it but that it was your decision..

[deleted account]

I am in the same boat as you. My husband and I decided we would send her pics of our daughter but with absolute understanding she was in no way allowed to try and contact her. Of course Annie is 13 and not a baby. And no one the baby is legally adopted the baby is yours. She can try and take you to court but it dont her any good. She gave up the parental rights and there is nothing she can do.

Sherrie - posted on 11/10/2009

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I would send her pictures through your attorney, have him forward them to the birthmother. My daughter is 19 months old, she has been with us since she was released from hospital after her birth. Her birthmother has contacted me directly for photos of my daughter. I send them to her without hesitation, I know that she just wants to see that she's doing well and is healthy. She hasn't visited my daughter since she was about a month old. Once the adoption is final, it's final.. That's why they have a grace period before an adoption can be legal. I agree with Heather too, you never know if you would have to contact her re: medical history, etc.

Heather - posted on 11/06/2009

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I would send her pictures. You don't know what has gone on with her in the last year. I don't know what her background is but you may just want to keep any location telling items out of the pictures you send. I adopted through foster care so I may be a little paranoid. She is his mom and she probably wants to know she did the right thing by giving him up, that he's happy and healthy. There's no way she can ever get him back and you will always be his mommy. You never know if you will need to contact her in the future for medical history information or something.

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