Dealing with awkward questions about your child.

Paula - posted on 11/23/2011

I had another awkward situation this morning which prompted my return visit. On dropping my child at childcare the worker said "they grow so fast, just think it wasnt long ago you were lying there with your legs in the air laboring".. It took me off guard but I just smiled and said "yes they grow far too quickly, dont know where the time goes". Birth questions are NOT fun lol.. how have you other moms dealt with these situations and such questions from other mothers?

Paula - posted on 11/23/2011

Hi Kel, have just seen your comment today. Thank you so so much.. that means a lot! :)

Kel - posted on 03/31/2011

Oh, Paula! I know your post is nearly a year old now, but when I read what you said about others possibly thinking your son's adoption makes your motherly crown not as shiny as theirs...I just had to comment...From personal observation of the families around me I have reached the conclusion that adoptive parents love their children every bit as much as biological parents do. But, adoptive parents APPRECIATE our children more...Don't you ever worry about your crown, Mommy...Shine On!!!

Cindy - posted on 09/01/2010

I love to tell the story of adoption & urge others to adopt too. There are so many who need families. My daughter is my shining star.

Amanda - posted on 08/20/2010

I agree with the other parents. Sometimes I answer honestly, our sons are adopted, and other times I just don't feel like discussing my personal life with strangers so I answer something like "my husband's hair was blond when he was little too...".

Gidgit - posted on 08/08/2010

I know it's often easier said than done but don't compare yourself to other mom's! Each mom has their own way of being a MOM! Yes as adoptive mom's we have it very, very hard (in my opinion) we have to bond with our children in different ways, and have to earn their trust.

I like the suggestion of "why do you ask?"

Britt - posted on 08/06/2010

My husband and I are a mixed couple and we have adopted a mixed race baby, who actually looks like my husband. When we are together, no-one bats an eyelid but when I am out with my son, I also get funny stares and questions that I can't believe poeple have the cheek to even ask. I don't feel that it is anybody else's business that he is adopted even though we are very open about it. I think that it is hard to deal with these insensitive questions because the whole journey of adoption is a very emotional one and we are so proud to finally be blessed with our precious children that insensitive questions/remarks can really hurt. I brush it off now but it really did hurt in the beginning, I have come to realise that most of those people we will never see again, so what they think really doesn't matter.



A friend suggested that if someone asks if he is adopted, I should respond with "Why do you ask?" - and put the awkard question back in their court.

Paula - posted on 07/08/2010

Thats a huge help and its lovely to hear your expereinces. The comment by Melissa actually made me well with tears the "your his Mommy and thats all that matters" I guess it hit a nerve.. I know i'm his Mommy.. he knows i'm his Mommy but I do worry that others may not think this is the case and fear they may look at my motherly crown as not being as shiny as their own if that makes sense?. I know it takes so much more to be an adoptive mother (lord how I know lol) but I do worry about peoples opinion too. Love love love the idea and will prob use a mixture depending on how the mood may take me at the given situation.. the mailman comment made me chuckle Amy but will more likely use the "in the family somewhere" in preference ;)

Amy - posted on 07/02/2010

For me it usually depends on what kind of mood I am in. My kiddos are black and I'm white. I get asked a lot if they are "mine"...Sometimes I will smile and just say yes they are. I KNOW they are asking if I birthed them, but honestly that doesn't really have to be discussed with everyone we meet.

My neice has red hair and both her and my BIL have dark brown. When people ask about it my sister always says, I have no idea...I think the mailman has red hair! or something like that.

You can be proud of your adoption, but not feel like you have to share that with everyone you meet. Maybe you can just say, I'm not sure, it must be in the family somewhere! Which is entirely true :) I'm sure curly hair runs in his family somewhere.

Stacy - posted on 06/29/2010

I would just tell them he was adopted... take pride in it! It's a good thing you are giving a child a wonderful life as well as yourself! Don't let small things bother you ! I get " he has your eyes or nose all the time" I wanna laugh really but instead i say well thanks, i personally think he is a spitting image of his daddy, that way i don't make them feel silly by saying NO WAY he is adopted! People say things to just try to start convo and complementing the kids is the easiest place to start

Melissa - posted on 06/27/2010

It does get easier with time. My HB & I are very open about our adoption. But there are random moments when you meet a person that you don't want to go into the details. If you're religious just smile and tell them that God has a wicked sense of humor. Or just shrug and say who knows. Either way do not let a random comment upset you, you are his Mommy and that is all that matters.

Paula - posted on 06/27/2010

Hi Ladies, Thank you so much. Stacy I see your point and we are certainly not ashamed of our adoption story... its a very happy conclusion to 15years of prayers and heartache but as my last response the the question revealed.. it doesnt just end with the reply of "our son is adopted", it leads to a whole conversation about they whys and wherefors of how our beautiful boy came to be and I dont want to get into that in the first instance and it's not something our son would want to hear each and every time I would imagine and think it would be unsettling for him as he grows and has understanding.
I like your reply too Monica and think its probably the most appropriate for our situation. Have just been looking though photos and bio father has a hint of curly hair.. but then again so does Nanny (hubby's mum) so I think I can safely say "from the paternal side.. Nanny has curly hair" in future. Now I have that covered i'll probably not be asked again by anyone else with the way things go lol Life likes to catch you off guard doesnt it.

Monica - posted on 06/26/2010

We adopted our daughter through a semi-open domestic adoption. In the process, we met her birth grandmother and our daughter favors her in appearance. By coincidence, our daughter also favors my mother. When people ask where she gets her skin color or dark hair, I just say she looks like her grandmother. If you don't know about any traits of the birth family, you can say that you think it comes from some distant relative. I completely understand that you don't always want to get in to the "adopted" conversation. Best of luck.

Stacy - posted on 06/24/2010

Just be honest. "Our son is actually adopted" is an appropriate answer. There is nothing to be ashamed of. If someone tries to apologize, just say "There is nothing to be sorry about. We are proud to have adopted." I find this works well for many questions/comments.