How to deal with a biolgoical parent in an open adoption?

Kelly - posted on 05/12/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My daughter was born early this week. I had a relationship with her biological father while I was going through a divorce but decided to go back to my husband. Against the wishes of the biological father, we've decided to put my husband on the birth certificate. Our attorney said m ex stands only a small chance on winning paternity rights given the circumstances, and court cases I've researched have confirmed that. My husband will be her "real father" since her biological father does not live close enough to be one. I told him that I don't know what type of relationship he thinks he's going to have with my daughter from where he's living, but said he can visit if he thinks he can handle it. I don't want my daughter to think I kept her bio father from her. So far things have been going great here and everybody sees what a great man my husband is for stepping up and doing what the biological isn't doing.

He's not happy about this but I've tried to explain since he's not close enough to enjoy full rights then there's no reason for him to have any responsibility. I said open adoptions work well for children in similar situations. It hasn't been easy so far he seems like he's playing the victim and trying to make me feel guilty. It could potentially cause annoyances and interference in my marriage. Any ideas on how to deal with him? Probably just something he needs to learn to accept and it will work itself out? How about if he does visit? How should I explain who he is if she has a "real father" here that she calls dad and that raises her?

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Laurie - posted on 12/17/2013

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Be honest to the kid. Dealing with biological parent shouldn't be a problem. I Aggry with Marie as well. If the child biological father cares a lot for him then let him be caring rather than stopping him from doing that. Just face the truth and let the things be as they the way it should be.

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 09/10/2013

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Would you be happy if some one was trying to take you name of your own child;s Birth certificate? You slept with another man, what do yo think? doe not mean just because the guy was not married you, he still cares for his child he made with you., and you are not crying abuse anywhere here.... you strayed away and? lest your husband has taken you back...,, I am sorry with out knowing the facts, could you not have a child with your own husband ? was that reason for straying?

Was your baby born out of an affair? as you said you were going through a divorce...but not Divorced.... and no back with your Husband.
Any way,,,,Um the word the REAL parent is a interesting word,,,,, First in any Adoption you ARE THE CHILDS REAL Parents wether bio or not, as you REALLY Parent them 24/7 and as and Adoptive parent you are both paying all expenses it takes to bring that child up, and all the REAL time and care in those first 18 yrs, when for what ever reasons, no one else is doing it.
Um, why not find a more civl situation/ agreement EG: have X2 Certificate.... one with the Bios name,,,, and then Add your Husband surname on first or last? that way you have reached a middle ground.,, EG " Surname ....Smith - Brown...... or vs versa.In saying this above, you need to balance the reality of the child's, coming INTO BEING for the child's sake mainly (and who they came from)< thus we do not simply forget our child ever had bio parents rather we respect this fact of their life for your child's sake, we don't pretend, else it can bite you on the bottom later on, also it can inadvertently set your child up for unnecessary rejection, or rejection you, for not honoring the child's Birth parent/s... the child then learns what it means to respect others, ( REGARDLESS OF the et up) Children need cicl parents, and doe snot mean you are more right or cvil if you try to wipe the BIO Fathers name off.

EG: though our child is ours in the full LEGAL meaning and sense of being our child's parents, its also in a very REAL way in the spirt and Emotion of a family, we have woven into a Real family as any, with deep bonds..., we have all rights as REAL parents no matter how that child came in to our life, but some people who are bio cannot be or have the title " parents" if they are not parenting them? um they are Biologically related, or the reality of "how" the baby came into being, but they are not the ones " who" are dong the REAL job of parenting.

specially when couples as us are the ones bring any children up, we have our name as being our sons REAL parents on a Certificate YES REAL we are really here, not a ghost lol :) and our child willingly calls us Mum and Dad , or his parents to others, and yes with all this happening, " we do not live in denial", .our child had came from a couple who just happen to be biological related to our child....thus they ARE BIOLOGICALLY RELATED YES , BUT NOT PARENTS to our child., if that makes sense to some ........as parents are those who DO the work and what it takes to bring up a baby to childhood then child hood to adult hood... or 18 yrs. Thus just because you may be BIOLOGICALLY related, does not mean you are DOING the job or wan to... anyway this matter sounds like the BIO want to be in in some way or another, and unless the Mother has VERY good case, the BIO Father has a right to have his name on.... and the Ex husband cannot simply just ADopt another mans child as his own, ( or cannot force a Mother to give up her name ) unless rights and been relinquished in full sense of the word.


..... though you never married the 1st guy any way.... BUT the BIO dad still can have his name on a 1st or 2nd Birth Certificate as being the BIRTH father...( ( but just NOT being the parent with 100% responsibility correct , but he still has rights to his child's last name, and that child if they also so wish to by 18 yrs of age.

if you get this way of wording who's who, and what they all mean to who and what they DO and what others rights are then you will see you must strike a balance her (for the child's sake in the long run) not to mention more clear who has what rights.

The Bio Dad here "does not have to relinquish his name if he does not want to he cannot be forced to take his name of his own Child's birth certificate, and no one can just get a giant rubber and rub a person off from their child full stop, as long as all are alive all have some influence wether directly or indirectly, thus you must find PEACE in the situation, so ytou can mov eon


However this is difference in your situation even more than other adoptions when children may never had know their bios before and that is. the BIO Father here in your story still wants some sort of link and is not out of the picture all together.....where as the Father is still KNOWN to the child.

I wonder what if would be like if this was reversed on to YOU? should she the bio Mother like her name taken off to? and how would she " naturally feel"

Medic - posted on 05/15/2012

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Ok your husband is not her REAL father....he is her adoptive father....he is her daddy but her REAL father is her biological father. Your concerned with annoyances in your marriage when YOU caused this. I would be honest with her. Some parents make babies some parents raise babies and they are not always the same. Just tell her from birth so it will always be something she hears.

Louise - posted on 05/12/2012

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I think right from the word go you need to tell her that her daddy chose her to be his daughter and that he loves her very much. When he does visit (if) then you should tell her when she is older that this is the man that helped to make her, but daddy is the one who chose her.

If the man lives miles away then he is not likely to nip around uninvited is he. But if you are honest from birth then it is no great almighty shock to her when she is older that dad is not her dad. I grew up with a step father from the age of 2 and I always knew he was not my biological dad and I accepted that, it made no difference to me. Now I am 42 I am in contact with my biological father although we have not met yet. It does not mean I love my step dad any less. Being open and honest is the best way.

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