I could use some help from an adoptive mom's viewpoint

[deleted account] ( 18 moms have responded )

Sorry to intrude on your forum! I'm a birthmom but I could really use another point of view. Okay a little background, my daughter is 3 months old. I have an open adoption with weekly emails and pictures whenever the adoptive mom feels like uploading (which she has admitted she's kinda lazy about, she only likes to do it every couple months or so). I asked about a month ago if I could post a couple of the pictures of our daughter on my facebook page (which is private). I asked because I kinda felt like those pictures were their property and didn't want to use them without permission. They told me no they were not comfortable with that. It hurt like hell, not gonna lie, but I understand their point of view and will respect their wishes. That said, they took my daughter to get professional pictures done over 3 weeks ago. They emailed me right afterwards and told me how well it went and how cute she was and how they got copies for all their family and friends and promised to send me an email of them soon. Still haven't gotten them. I am not sure if it's because they are busy or because of the facebook incident. I still get emails in the same amount as before. My adoption agent has asked if I want her to step in and ask about it, but I don't want to go there yet. I think that might be unnecessarily uncomfortable since we communicate on our own normally. So do you guys think I should wait a little longer or ask about them and what should I say? Should I ask or have the agency ask for me?

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Tanya - posted on 02/15/2010

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It's too bad that their not keeping up their end of the deal. We still have regular email/FB contact with our birthmom after 18 mos. and we hope it continues that way. I remember how hectic our lives were when our daughter was only 3 mos old and it may be that they're just really busy and don't mean to put you out. You may get more results by letting your agency know but if you want to keep your relationship on good terms with the adoptive family it would be best to try and be patient and send her an email to remind her your really looking forward to seeing the cute professional pictures. Good luck:)

Renee - posted on 02/07/2010

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Hi, I'm an adoptive Mom of two. I just wanted to put out a suggestion for you and the adoptiive family. Maybe if there was a set time/place for you to get pics, that would help?

I set up blogs for each child and I post about once a month or so. I notify the birth family and they love it! I post tons of pics of the kids for them.

I hope you got everything sorted out w/the pics.

I know sometimes it's difficult to get printed pics to our birth Moms.



Renee'

Vickie - posted on 01/20/2010

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Hello Erica, I am an adoptive mom. Although I adopted internationally & do not have an open adoption, my heart goes out to you. If you still haven't heard anything and/or rec'd any photos, it's time to ask the agency to step in. All The Best.

Kelley - posted on 01/18/2010

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Congrats on your daughter and an open adoption that actually seems right on track to be so new. I'm an adoptive mom of a beautiful 5 year old daughter whom we adopted at birth. We have a beautiful open adoption with her birthmom and extended family. To be honest, I think your daughter's adoptive parents mean well and it seems that they truly want an open adoption. Having been there done that so to say I think they just need time to work out the kinks, being a new parents--first time or fifth-- takes a lot of time and energy and when you throw in trying to remember or find time to send write and send updates, download pictures and try to find times that work for everyone for visits in some situations it's just over whelming. I would gently remind them how excited you are to see DD's new pictures and to have an update, I'd make sure to add that you know how much adjusting they are making and that you appreciate them taking time out to keep you in the loop and how much it means to you to be able to have such a wonderful relationship and that you are looking forward to seeing how it develops as DD grows. Good luck and God bless.

Megan - posted on 01/14/2010

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I think you should give it another try, and see what they say. Then if nothin shortly after have agent get involved. good luck.

[deleted account]

Hi Erica. I love that you are asking for advice from adoptive moms because I ask advice from birthmoms all the time! I have two adopted sons with different mothers. In regards to the pictures, I am sometimes very slow forwarding pictures -- it isn't personal because I am slow with my own family too. I always make sure that professional pictures get forwarded as soon as I can, but even then I am not perfect. A gentle nudge like others have suggested is probably just what is needed -- hopefully it will trigger the adoptive parents to say "Oh yeah, I need to send those pictures to her" and get to it right then.



In regards to the facebook situation, I can see it from both sides. I kinda freaked (silently -- not out loud) when the birth mom for my oldest put his pictures on her myspace page with the caption "my son" under it. But, as I thought about it, he is her son and will always be. I asked her not to put too much identifying information on the intenet, and she has repected that request. Now, both birth moms have pitures of the boys on their profiles, and although I can feel uneasy at times, I want them to show them off if they want to do so. But, not every one feels that way, so I would give it some time and maybe her feelings will evolve. If not, then not.

Amber - posted on 12/29/2009

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Hi, I agree that you should email the adoptive parents and be open and honest. Let them know that you chose them to be the parents because you felt that you could be open with them. Tell them how much you LOVE to see pictures. You could say something like "as soon as you get a spare moment, I would really appreciate some new pictures". Also let them know that you hope you did not offend them with the Facebook question and that you will respect that. I agree you defiantly should not feel offended by her not wanting you to post pictures of your birth child. I really hope you get to see pictures soon. Take care :)

Leeanne - posted on 12/29/2009

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Our birth mother is on my face book friends list and one day she copied and pasted my profile pictures on her profile! I was so mad I lost it! I told her how I felt tand the reasons why I didint want them on her profile and she was fine with that and removed them straight away!
you HAVE to be open and honest with your adoptive parents!
My daughter is 5 now and we have gone through some rough times with our birth mother , we stuck with it and now we have a really good relationship!
I wouldnt have the agency call as your adoptive parents with think you couldnt talk to them about it! when the agency would call us I always thought something was wrong!
Just say that you would really love a copy of one of the photo's!
maybe even offer to pay for an extra copy (even though I know they wouldnt let you pay for it)
Its very early still and I know they are very busy and focusing on their new baby and family.
Just remember to be open and honest with them BUT also give them their space :)

Gidgit - posted on 12/28/2009

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My situation is a little unique as our birthmom is my sister. She likes to get pic when I have time and believe me I don't have much time. Our little one is 3 weeks old. She is still very emotional as am I and we needed a break from talkin every few days.

I know this must be hard for you but I do agree with everyone else. Find some way to approach her with an understanding tone. "I respect and understand your not wanting me to post pics of the baby on fb." type of thing.
I hope by now you have gotten some pics!
God bless you for being brave enough to give the gift of a child to this family! You will be blessed for it!

Bridget - posted on 12/15/2009

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Don't feel bad about asking the agency to call for you.  That is what they are there for.  We have an agreement between us and our adoptive son's mother that we send pictures once a year. But during the first year we sent photos each month (we also happened to live in the same town then so we visited as well) because babies change so much then.  Now, I try to get photos to her 2-3 times a year.   Hope this helps!








 

Karen - posted on 12/10/2009

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Just wondering if you ever got the pictures and how things are going now? I have a 20 mo old adopted son and we have a VERY open relationship with his birthmom and her family. i hope it all worked out for you!!

Kristin - posted on 09/10/2009

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I don't know what kind of relationship you have with the adoptive family, however I don't think that the fact they did not want you post pictures should be taken personal. Some people are just "funny" about posting childrens pictures on the internet. I don't have a problem with it but I understand the logic behind it. As far as not getting the pictures yet, you mentioned that she was admittedly "lazy" about sending them. I would say that either this is the case, or yes she is uneasy after your inquiring about posting. Either way the best resolve in my opinion is clear honest communication. Let her know that you respect her decision to not have them posted and that you would love to see the new pictures when she has a chance. This way it is non-threatening and friendly. In my opinion ( and believe me that is all it is), I feel getting the agency involved would create tension that can easily be avoided. Good luck and as an adoptive mother, thank your for giving the most precious gift you could ever give....the love of a child.

Gina - posted on 09/09/2009

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Hi, Erica! I agree with what everyone else has said. I have a 2-year-old boy and I am still in contact with his birth grandmother and occasionally with his birth mom too. All of the pictures that I send go up on her MySpace page, but there is no identifying info. (Her mom passes on everything that I send but she thought it was best to do it that way.) I like the way Cheryl phrased the request, by the way. I'm guessing that the adoptive family just got caught up in the busy-ness of life and no one has realized that pictures weren't sent!



By the way, I had our son's birth mom request to "friend" me on FaceBook and I was hesitant ... not because of her but because our son's birth father was abusive and we didn't want there to be a way for him to find out where we live. I asked "our" mom what she thought about about the security issue but she hasn't responded. I'm hoping that this is why your family didn't want to also.



It sounds like you have a great relationship with your adoptive parents and I really think you were respectful (and courageous) to ask about posting pictures first!! Keep communicating with them! Best wishes!



Gina

Cindy - posted on 09/08/2009

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Hi,
I echo what has already been said here- I have two adopted daughters, 8 and 12 so I have sent A LOT of pictures out over the years. There are times when days fly by and without intending, "too long" will go with out the next batch of pictures. Everyone is different so I can not speak for the family who has adopted your daughter, but I have never with held pictures for any other reason than being too focused on the kids.

I do encourage you to be open and honest with your feelings, and do trust the process of building trust and a comfort level. Be honest, "I do not know what my needs will be in the future, but right now I really need to see more pictures of my daughter." When my daughters were babies the idea of their pictures being on Facebook would have caused me to panic. Now, I am facebook friends with 3 of "our" 4 birth parents and we share picture this way.

Dawn - posted on 09/01/2009

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Have the agency ask for you. Your connection to the agency (who ever that is) should be your biggest advocate in the whole process. Also remember that the adoptive parents are very busy and probably overwhelmed at this point. I know it hurts but be patient.

Cheryl - posted on 08/30/2009

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Well, do you feel comfortable asking her if she is upset with you or if she forgot to send you the photos? I think I would still send her an email before asking your adoption agent to get involved. Maybe say something like I hope you are not upset with me, but I was really looking forward to seeing those photos you had taken a few weeks ago and I haven't received them yet. Would you mind to email me a few? If you don't get a response, or don't get any photos within a few days, I would contact your adoption agent and ask for some guidance and she might be able to step in. Sometimes, there are emotions that run on both sides that neither realizes the other is going through and it takes a third party to help everyone through a rough patch. Best wishes.

[deleted account]

To clarify: the pictures were taken at a same day studio, they got the prints they ordered for them and their entire family plus a cd with all the images the same day they took the pictures

Cheryl - posted on 08/30/2009

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Hi Erica. I am an adoptive mom. I am so sorry you are frustrated and not sure what to do. We also have an open adoption, and we try our best to post photos and send emails/photos whenever possible. But life can get crazy at times, especially with a three month old, and they may just be busy, or maybe they haven't gotten their copies back yet from the photographer. You might just send an email and say something like hey, I was thinking about those photos you had taken a few weeks ago and I am so looking forward to seeing them. If she is a little lazy about sending photos, it might just remind her that she hasn't sent them to you yet, or prompt her to respond why she hasn't sent them. Hope you get your photos soon, and I hope things work out between you. Best wishes.

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