Seeing birthmom...

Heather - posted on 11/06/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hi Everyone,
I adopted two boys through foster care. My 3 year old was born cocain positive at birth. Their mom was also a heavy drinker. She lost her parental rights in August of 2007 and we finalized our adoption last November. We have kept in contact with their birth family. They have an older sister who has been adopted by cousins and lives in NM. We send pictures to the whole family, allow letters both ways, and they talk to their sister on the phone often. She comes to visit once a year. At first we didn't have any verbal contact with their birth mom, grandma and grandpa. Their sister's adoption happened in May of this year and we were invited. I knew the whole birth family would be there so I met with their birth mom before. The meeting went very well and she's very nice although she denies everything. The adoption went smoothly and there were lots of pictures taken. We got one of both boys and both of their mommys. ;o) After the adoption we've been allowing phone calls with their birth mom and grandma and grandpa. We call them, they don't call us. Now we're contemplating inviting mom to the house for a visit while the kids are on Thanksgiving break. She could come for lunch and see their rooms....etc. But I'm not so sure. My 7 year old is having some trouble in school. It's not really bad stuff, it's talking while the teacher is talking, making noises, crawling around on the floor, forgetting to bring home his homework....He's going on a contract next week. He's very loving and smart, but he doesn't like to follow rules. He doesn't know we are thinking of having her over. So here's my dillema. There is a part of me that thinks he should be doing well before we introduce a visit. Not as a punishment type of thing, but just because of the stress factor. But another part of me thinks that if we wait for him to be doing well it may never happen. And, what if it would help him? So, I thought I would ask you seasoned adoptive parents what you think. What are your experiences with birth family contact? What have you tried and how did it go?
Thanks so much,
Heather

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2 Comments

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Mandi - posted on 11/23/2009

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My experience with birthfamily contact has always been positive. But both of my boys were adopted at birth and don't know any different. They think its normal to see them a couple of times a year and have them over to the house.If it feels alright to you then do it, if it doesn't don't. Don't let anyone else influence your decision because it may be out of the norm. Good luck.

Donna - posted on 11/09/2009

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Heather, we are in the process of adopting 2 1/2 year old twins, who happen to be my partners great niece and nephew and last Feb, we adopted, as a new born, a little girl who is a full sibling to the twins. The twins are in foster care right now and our adoption should be final next month. I can understand your situation. Since the kid's father is our nephew it is a fine line to walk. We are great friends with the birth mother's family and keep in weekly contact with them. The live about 1200 miles away, but we vacationed there this past summer with all the kids. The birth parents still live in the same town as we do. Once the adoption is final they are wanting visitation on some level. We are considering not allowing that to happen, unless they get their lives together and it is not harmful to our children. We have to put our kids first and if that means mommy and daddy (birth parents) are a picture on the wall than that is how we will handle it. Their safety and well being come before anything else. Hope this helps.

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