Seeing birthmom...

Heather - posted on 11/06/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )

Hi Everyone,
I adopted two boys through foster care. My 3 year old was born cocain positive at birth. Their mom was also a heavy drinker. She lost her parental rights in August of 2007 and we finalized our adoption last November. We have kept in contact with their birth family. They have an older sister who has been adopted by cousins and lives in NM. We send pictures to the whole family, allow letters both ways, and they talk to their sister on the phone often. She comes to visit once a year. At first we didn't have any verbal contact with their birth mom, grandma and grandpa. Their sister's adoption happened in May of this year and we were invited. I knew the whole birth family would be there so I met with their birth mom before. The meeting went very well and she's very nice although she denies everything. The adoption went smoothly and there were lots of pictures taken. We got one of both boys and both of their mommys. ;o) After the adoption we've been allowing phone calls with their birth mom and grandma and grandpa. We call them, they don't call us. Now we're contemplating inviting mom to the house for a visit while the kids are on Thanksgiving break. She could come for lunch and see their rooms....etc. But I'm not so sure. My 7 year old is having some trouble in school. It's not really bad stuff, it's talking while the teacher is talking, making noises, crawling around on the floor, forgetting to bring home his homework....He's going on a contract next week. He's very loving and smart, but he doesn't like to follow rules. He doesn't know we are thinking of having her over. So here's my dillema. There is a part of me that thinks he should be doing well before we introduce a visit. Not as a punishment type of thing, but just because of the stress factor. But another part of me thinks that if we wait for him to be doing well it may never happen. And, what if it would help him? So, I thought I would ask you seasoned adoptive parents what you think. What are your experiences with birth family contact? What have you tried and how did it go?
Thanks so much,
Heather