Birth Mother DRAMA

Jane - posted on 06/15/2011

Whether your husband thinks she should be forgotten or not, he still bears the onus of speaking to her. He was the one who chose to have a child by her, not you. He needs to tell her once and for all that at this time it is in your child's best interest to be allowed to bond with his adoptive mother. She needs to know that it isn't you who want the adoption closed, it is both of you.

Katelyn - posted on 06/15/2011

He remembers most of the abuse and is completely TERRIFIED of her. Looking at a picture of her sends him into a panic attack. After the last visit that she had with him it took him 2 weeks to not wake up screaming "mommy help me save me from Jordan" every night. She never was a single mother before, my husband had my son more than she had him, but is now. I worry about the affects it will have on my son having the adoption open at all. I'm a birth mother as well (a very open adoption) and it breaks my heart to have to have the adoption so closed. I've tried my best but when my son is so traumatized by it I can't put his feelings aside for her.



She blames me because my husband refuses to talk to her. Since we found out about the abuse he has felt not desire to allow her to have any contact with our son. He feels she should be "forgotten". So I'm the one that has to bear all the bad news.

Jane - posted on 06/13/2011

Why does she blame you? This child is your husband's son by birth, and he should speak to her about it, to confirm to her that it is a joint decision between the two of you, who are his legal parents. She doesn't have to like it, but you are doing this, I assume, because you are afraid she would do it again.

Another option would be to allow her still to be in contact with him, but make certain he is never alone with her. Many adoptive couples I know do precisely this, because they are legally responsible for the welfare of the child. Something to consider is that since the bio mom no longer has the day to day stress of being a single mom she may have better control of herself and can be gentle and nurturing now.

However, if you are doing this simply because she did something in the past and you have no idea whether she might do something in the future, then you should not close it. if the adoption has been finalized, then legally you do have the right to keep her from him. But is that the wisest course? As he gets older he may want to know his biological mom.

Right now we are in full contact with my son's birth father, and have visited him and his family several times. The birth mom has recently been in touch with the birth father, asking about our son, but she has refused to talk to us directly. Maybe some day she will come around. Our son is 16 now and has some questions about her that we can't answer. We are hoping his birth father can answer some of those questions.