daughter has lots of question about b-family & wants contact

Lisa - posted on 03/24/2009 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hi - I have a 5 year old daughter we adopted at birth. We have had one contact in 5 years with birthmom, do not know birthdad. We also have a son - adopted at birth and have some contact with a birth relative. Now my daughter is almost obsessed with knowing her birth-family, especially her birthfather. It is a hard conversation to have - that we do not know him.

My heart breaks at times for her because she wants contact but I feel I need to respect her birthmothers privacy. Any thoughts?

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Denise - posted on 04/22/2009

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Well this is what we have done. I have a 5 yr old adopted daughter too. I told her that her Birth Mother and Father were and are great people! That they had a little baby,(that her) and did not have any means to take care of her! That they did not know the first thing to do to take care of her and that they had no money no real home for a child, and they were afraid that that could hurt her chances of having a good Life. But they so loved her and it was the hardest thing for them to do, to have you adopted. I We pray about how good the Lord was that he brought you too us to love and to be there to help you grow up and have a wonderful life that they could not and would not have been able to give you! We always tell the Lord to look over and bless the birth parents and give them peace

I talk up how lucky and blesse we are (Me and My Husband) to have had the privlage to adopt her and how how lucky and blessed she is that God brought her to us.

She has never once asked to see any of them. If she did ask I would tell her that they live verry far away and we tell her that it would be to hard on her Birth parents to see her, It could hurt there feelings and make them sad.

We Let her know that they do think about her and they do love her but not the same way we do. They love that fact that there little baby is doing so good and is Happy and Healthy but to have the face to face meeting with her would be way to hard on them and that they asked that, we respect them for that cause placing you up for adoption was the hardest thing they ever had to do. They don't want to go threw and feel all the pain they felt when they gave you a great home that is filled with love and nice things.

I do't know if this helped or not! I hope it did.

Write me back and let me know how it is going.

God Bless you and your family!

Denise

Sammy - posted on 04/18/2009

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Hi Lisa,



I also adopted my son at birth as a single mommy =). He is 19 mths. old now. I have learned a great deal about "life books". I would highly suggest this for your daughter as it helps tremendously from the research I've done. It's almost like a baby book. Your daughter can also help put certain pages together with you. There is alot of information on lifebooks. You basically gather as much information, photos' ect...on the birth families. It helps answer their questions before they ask and fill in the "unknown" gaps..it also teaches them at an early age to be comfortable with what they know now, rather then learn something new later...here is a good website I subscribe to http://www.adoptionlifebooks.com/ good luck and all the best!!!!

Shannon - posted on 04/02/2009

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Lisa, you are voicing a concern I have about my daughter's adoption. Her birthfamily lives farther away so we don't see them as often as we do my son's birthfamily (we see them every 4-6 weeks). We email frequently with her birthfamily and they send care packages, usually boxes of clothes, which she loves. But we only see her birthmother a few times a year. It is hard having the natural comparison between the relationships. If you figure something out, let me know =)!

Lisa - posted on 04/01/2009

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Shannon,  thanks for your prayers.  When we adopted my daughter her birthmom wanted to have lots of contact, at least 2 pictures and letters a year.  Right after the birth she moved a couple times and then finally made contact. We only have had one phone call in 5 years.  It is funny - I always thought it would be easier to have no contact, but I think now it is so much better to have lots of communication. It is a completly open adoption - just with missing birthfamilies.  My son's birthfamily is more involved and I think that is where the problem comes from.  My daughter sees this contact and wonders more and more about hers. 



I am very happy to hear you have such wonderful adoptions - it is an amazing thing!

Shannon - posted on 03/26/2009

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Lisa, what was the agreement at the time of adoption? Would you be willing to contact the adoption agency and have them see if the birthfamily is more receptive to contact now? Is it possible to open the adoption, even partially? I can only speak of my experiences as an adoptive parent in open adoptions (my children are also younger than yours - 3 and 2). It has been amazing! We have contact not only with our birthmothers but also their families. Unfortunately, we too have had little/no contact with the birthfathers and their families. I will keep your daughter and family in my prayers...Good luck!

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