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How to address the issue of daughter-in-law calling my son's birth mom "Mom"

Carolyn - posted on 02/15/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My son was removed from his birth mother at age 2 1/2 and placed in foster care. He was placed with us at age 9 with the plan to adopt. We finalized the adoption at age 11. He is now 18 years old, married with a baby. They live with us.

My son met his wife in 9th grade. They dated most of the way through high school and got married last month. She has always known me as his mother and my daughter-in-law calls me Mom too. A couple of months ago, after he turned 18, he was reunited with his birth mother with assistance from a half sister he reunited with a couple of years ago. However since my son was reunited with his birth mother she refers to her as his Mom too which actually gets confusing to my son. The first time she did it I corrected her that I am Mom and that we refer to Birth Mom by her first name (which is how my son refers to her anyway). My daughter-in-law continues to call her his Mom which bothers me and it confuses my son. How should I address this? They only have sporadic contact. Birth mom is not trying to take my place. She understands he has another mother and father. Should I correct my daughter in law the next time or just let it go? I didn't say anything at all the last time.

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4 Comments

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Veggiemom - posted on 04/10/2012

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If he's not correcting her, maybe it's bothering you a lot more than him. If he's truly confused by it, he can talk to her. As an adult, he really shouldn't need you do this for him anymore.

Jen - posted on 01/03/2012

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I'd suggest that your son talk to her. If you sat her down and talked to her...your son may be dragged into the middle of all this. Who does he go with, his wife, or his mom?

Talk to your son; if it bothers him, maybe he should be the one to tell her that.

Oh wow; i didn't realize how old this post was. I'm sure it may have been discussed and possibly dealt with by now?

Hope things worked out!

I can tell you, that I'm adopted myself; I was adopted at 8, and I have adopted one of my bio-brother's son's. A brother I wasn't adopted with, I didn't grow up with him.

I call both my adopted mom and bio-mom "Mom" I do call my bio-mom by her first name too; but frequently I'll use mom.

My adopted nephew/son calls his bio-parents "mom" and "Dad" as well. Even though he doesn't have a memory of his dad; and hardly knew his mother.

It doesn't bother me at all.

A person can have two mothers. I have no problem with that. I also don't mean to disrespect either woman by calling both Mom.

Jolayne - posted on 09/20/2011

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IMO if she was corrected once already and is still doing it then she's just clueless or lack of a better word RUDE!
Is there anyway this girl doesn't like you or trying to get your goat by continueing this?
I think if you told her exactly how this makes you feel and she STILL does this then she has no class.

Shannon - posted on 02/28/2011

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Hi Carolyn, I think i would just sit her & your son down and just have a talk and just sat that you don't mean to make a big deal of the mom issue but that it bothers you that she refers to the birth mother as *mom* and just tell them how you feel and see what they say if you hold it in it can fester and then it can cause so much worse of a porblem with the whole family and you don't want that. If it really bothers you that much you have to say something. it is what i would do.

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