Sex...Is it okay for me to have sex before marraige if I already have a child?

Sharleen - posted on 04/12/2009

I have been a mother for the past 5 years and I was not married when I first had sex and I'm not married now. I do not believe that I have sacrificed the blessings of God by having pre-marital sex...MY CHILD IS MY BLESSING FROM GOD!! I am a firm believer in God , however, I do not take every word written in the bible so literally. Yes I had pre-marital sex but I wasn't out there running the streets and jumping on every guy around... which is what alot of women do, but not all of us. I made the choice to have sex and I have never regretted it in my life and I would never go back and change it because it is a part of me that I am not ashamed of. No woman should ever feel or be  made to feel ashamed of lying down with a man.You ( and when I say you, I mean people in general) do not need to carry around a bible and recite passages and preach the word of God to be seen as a Christian..in fact, when people do that it makes me wonder what is so wrong with their life that they need to obsolve themselves by showing the world just how Christian they are. Everyone makes their own choices in life and all of us women on here obviously have children and the feeling I get from reading these posts is that some of you seem to regret your kids or maybe not regret them , but look at them as a reminder of what you shouldn't have done and I think that is wrong. God has a plan for us all, this is true, but did you ever stop and think that it was in his plan for you to have pre-marital sex or have your beautiful babies at the exact time that you did? My daughter is the greatest gift God could ever have given me and the timing was not perfect but it was the time He presented her to me and I graciously accepted the responsibility He bestowed on me. It is not wrong for a man to touch a woman. Our bodies are drawn to eachother whether you like it or not and nobody can change that so people should accept it, embrace it. That doesn't mean you have to be a slut but it doesn't mean you have to be a sewn up nun either. Find a balance and you will be happy and don't believe that God will punish you or you will go to a "Christless hell to burn eternally" ..that kind of mentality is not helpfull or healthy. Things in life are not all Black and white.God gave us all free will so We (not HE)can fill in the shades of grey ourselves. Life isn't colour-by-numbers and if it was, this world would be a very boring place to live and I for one see no point in an existence where we are all just sheep blindly following an ignorant shepherd to an unhappy end. God will not punish you for being you and staying true to yourself! As long as you love yourself, your children,and God , you will be alright. This is my personal opinion and if anyone has anything to say about, please let me know cause I am not afraid to speak on it the way I see it so I welcome any critisism or naysayings that go along with what I have just posted. Come on ladies...speak on it! :)

Felisha - posted on 04/09/2009

I don't want to sound hypocritical (cause Lord knows I didn't wait), but NO it is not ok to have premartial sex-child or not. When I was younger, I never would have thought I'd say this but the person you end up marrying is so special that you should save yourself for that person. My husband is the only many that has ever been truely worthy of my body. As for being a single mom, having premarital sex may make you a single mom again. You just never know.

Michelle - posted on 04/09/2009

I am a proud single mom who made that mistake and disappointed God.  I would rather have had my son when I am married.  For me it's not about sex ;it's about my relationship with God.  God has given you a gift to share with the person he intends you to be with.   He knows what is best.  When I walked in my own direction it pained me to be disobedient to God my father.  The closer I grow in my relationship to him the more I want to please him.  I want what is best for me and my son therefore I am waiting until God reveals me to the man he chooses for me.  God's word says he has something better for me than I could ever imagine.  I tried the rest now I am waiting for the best!  To you that is what I suggest.  We are not exempt.  Grow closer to God he will show you the best.  Be blessed!    

Kiava - posted on 02/02/2009

Mrs. Derbah...nothing about my post was a total response to you. Your entitled to your opinions I  will give you that, but I’m about doing my father's business and I give it the way it is. There may be several reasons to take into consideration regarding the "social issue" of AIDS, other STD's and teen pregnancy; however I am talking about one. One that, I feel is very serious. Your right it’s not just about the "Christian Community" and this conversation is not limited to just "Christians", however my opinion to you is my reality and the reality of those who believe as I do. Or better said practice the same word as I do. So please don’t take offense to my inappropriate dialogue, its not about you, this is MY reality, and the truth of the matter is those sistas do exist.  My point is instead of trying to dissect a person to figure out what’s wrong, lets hand that over to our father and just give her the information and knowledge she needs to do better.. I too love all my "sistas", blue, purple or pink. This is an issue that we all face. That’s why I posed the question. Its not about being narrow minded, cause I could have very well came on here with some very technical, psychological perspectives as well...but that’s not my job. I am a Sociology major student but I don’t have a degree so I can’t tell you why you act or think the way you do, however I am a witness to the greatness of God so I CAN tell you a few things I know about him. See that’s why I said its not a debate or attack because I am not trying to change anyone...you may be "perfect" the way you are, but like my sista said before me, Mrs. Kathleen, our people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge, and its my boldness that’s going to tell it how it is...Love yall!

Ulanda - posted on 01/31/2009

AMEN Kathleen!!!! I couldn't have said it better!

Kathleen - posted on 01/31/2009

Well my community circle.  Allow me to first thank Kiava for her Holy Boldness.  The bible tells us in Hosea 4:6 "the people perish for lack of knowledge" so thank you for taking responsibility for being truthful with our sisters.  It's not about YOUR beliefs b/c the Holy Bible says that there is only ONE & TRUE living God who offers salvation to alllll lost souls for free.  It is a sexual sin and it's immoral to indulge in sex before marriage period.  Yes, I was once a fornicator which is one who has sex before marriage and at that time my soul was lost and dying but God spared my life and brought me into the knowledge but understand I too will have to suffer the consequences of fornication (consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other). I encourage anyone who wants to know the truth to read the bible and see for themselves.  Matthew 15:17-20, Galatians 5:19-21, 1Corinthians 5:9-13 that's just to give you a running start.  I love all my sisters especially my african american sisters and I suffered enough for lack of knowledge or b/c I was being lead to enjoy every other thing with the world but the world is ruled by Satan and he comes to KILL, STEAL AND DESTROY our minds, bodies and souls.  Please I encourage you all who agree with sex before marriage or any other immoral thing to consider this " is it worth dying and your soul going to a Christless hell to burn eternally"?  And foremost for those who have children what are you passing on to them?

Sarah - posted on 01/30/2009

Kiava,

The question you posed to the circle did not indicate you were seeking responses from Christian members only. Therefore, I, and any other member in the circle was welcomed to contribute to your topic. In addition, I did not interpret your original post as an attack or a signal you were seeking a debate, I just simply offered my thoughts on the topic.

I also want you to know your previous statement:

" Okay you made it, you never had to live in the hood, you wasnt a hoe and your baby daddy loved you...so, what about the young woman who are still in the hood. Act like they dont know better cause we just flip up our noses cause we learned differently"

..is totally inappropriate dialogue between two individuals that have no background information on each other and irrelevant to the topic since STD's and teen pregnancy is not a social issue that is exclusive to impoverish communities.

Therefore, if individuals such as yourself continue to view this problem with such a narrow scope you will NEVER discover the roots (yes..there are several) to this problem.

Kiava - posted on 01/30/2009

And I completely agree...In no way am I targeting mothers of other religions. My question was posed directly to young women like myself.  I am no holy roller or anything like that but I love God. In today's society one would justify there actions by the common knowledge of others. However it is written that our people are destroyed for a lack of knowldge. If you are not a Christian woman then needless to say this does not apply to you. I am a very open minded person and do not judge people whats so ever, your beliefs are yours. But when it comes down to the women who believe as I do and practice the same word then its time out of thinking its okay. If you are going to live by the will of God then here is some kowledge: Having a child is not the worst thing that could happen to you. We should not be having having sex with anyone else other than our husband. Unfortunately 750,000 teenagers a year become pregnant. Triple that to come up with the statistics of women infected with AIDS and other dieases. Not saying that all cases are due to pre marital sex, but if we trust in what God has written as law of his word then we eliminate majority of those cases. Sex has become this common recreation that we sell ourselves for little or nothing. Now about me, yes I have two children, so again I am talking about the woman who, like me, thinks its okay. When you know better you do better and all Im saying is its about time to get it right!

I know this is a very controversal topic and provocative, however, the issues that it presents in our community is rising and until we get to the crust of it and ask these questions then we continue through life thinking its okay and Ive just been dealt a bad hand. Okay you made it, you never had to live in the hood, you wasnt a hoe and your baby daddy loved you...so,what about the young woman who are still in the hood. Act like they dont know no better cause we just flip up our noses cause we learned differently...NO, are we living by the law of man or the will of God, Christian women  remind you. Cause Im not going to debate your religion thats not my goal. Nevertheless its time we get this thing right.

Sarah - posted on 01/30/2009

I believe the answer to your question would depend on the beliefs, values, and behavior of the individual mother. I do not believe one man's (or should I say woman's) philosophies should dictate the behavior of everyone. Nor, should the ideologies of merely one religion in this vast world be deemed as suitable for all.

Yet, I believe, mothers should make decisions that support the physical and mental health of themselves and their children. And to be honest, this can be achieved using several other belief systems besides Christianity. This is coming from a mother that does not classify herself as a Christian and was married prior to either of her children being born.

Bottomline: There are other philosopies/religions that allow women to be virtuous and wonderful mothers without practicing Christianity.

Lanessa - posted on 01/29/2009

First of all let me say WOW! What a provocative question. I'm sure that many women have read this post and paused... wondering how to respond...

For me, I was never a single mother, so I can not speak for them. However, I can respond as a woman who was not a virgin when I married, but who knows the Lord. Your question is one that many single mothers and single women period deal with in the dating world. The real truth of the matter is not that we do not love our heavenly Father, but that we don't love ourselves enough to trust Him to provide that 'help mate' that he has created for us. It is far easier to go in and out of unhealthy relationships than it is to wait on the Lord... and waiting on the Lord does not mean that you sit in your house in your PJ's waiting for God to bring you a husband. But it literally means to be patient but continue to go about your father's business.
When my husband and I were dating we did not engage in premarital sex, because of our faith and our respect for each other. It was a very long 12mths....lol. But it was well worth it. Our connection now is so great I believe because we did not allow our hormones to cloud our judgement.

For any women struggling with this issue, make sure that you surround yourself with like minded friends and have an accountability partner. Someone who will tell you the truth even when you don't want to hear it! You don't have to be a 'Holier Than Thou' christian, you just have to love the Lord, your future spouse and yourself enough to walk in faith.

Kiava - posted on 01/29/2009

MY VIEW: NO. The bible says it is not good for a man to touch a woman. We are human and we make mistakes, granted. However, if you are seeking the will of God, which is the purpose of life, then is in his will? I feel like this, that game has been played and it’s getting played out. Its not that  ALL men are dogs but if he can’t wait or love you enough to marry you, why? Is sex that good that we will sacrifice the blessings of God for a piece of action? If you are in a committed relationship wouldn’t it be so much sweeter if he waited? We have school, we have kids and we have to work.  We force unnecessary accommodations into our schedules just for pleasure? What do you trust God for? I have decided to be celibate. I mean I’ve had my fun, but what does it amount to? Different name, different day. You can hide behind your numbers whether it be 1, 5 or 100, but the fact of the matter is, if he aine your husband he aine yours! I don’t know about anyone else but um I want my own!  I refuse to be washed up or used up by the time he gets to me. Yes I have TWO kids. But they have been my light, Id rather have them then any other conviction there is to man for this sin. The life that God has for me I know I will be able to provide for them because he provides for me! So I don’t need a man for that. They have fathers, they may not be perfect, but who is perfect other then God? And he said to trust him with the things we do not know. I don’t need a man for that. I am Fabulous Fly and Blessed, it says so in his word, that I am more then a conqueror and worthy of his blessings, I don’t need a man to remind me. I am educated and can make my own money, plus God says the desires of my heart shall be fulfilled plus he reminds me that his will is oh so greater than mine! So, what do I need a man for?
Where we go wrong in thinking is we think, oh I already did it so um it really don’t make a difference...Trick of the enemy, girl it do make a difference. When you had that child you were convicted! You will be a mother for the rest of your life. But, Romans 5:16, Again, the gift of God is not like the result of the one man's sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. Isaiah 52:3 For this are what the LORD says: "You were sold for nothing, and without money you will be redeemed."
Proverbs 18:22 ~Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the lord.
In order for him to find you, you have to be hidden. How do find something that’s right in front of you unless you don’t already know its there? We have to stop giving ourselves to the will of man. God says hide yourself in me and if he seeks me he should find you and he will have my favor... lol! Once you ask him for forgiveness, its done, look at the life he has for us and ask your self, what do I trust him for and if that be so, I should hide myself in him.
It’s not about having time or trying to please “ yo man”...lol, seek God and see what type of man he brings you……