Attachment Theory???

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Quoting Denyel:

There is some of Attachemnt Parenting that I think is good, but a lot of it I don't care for. I especially don't like bed-sharing, it just seems to dangerous and distracting for. How can you and your children truly get good night's sleep when you're all fighting for sleep space?!
I understand that a very young child needs you a lot and needs to be held and comforted constantly, as they get older I believe they do need to learn independence and some self soothing.


It is a total myth that bed sharing makes your children dependent.  Research shows that children that bed share on average tend to be more independent and have more self confidence than children that don't.    Trust me - I, my husband, and our son get a good night's sleep (we use a king-size bed). In fact, my husband commented to me about how all of his friends warned him to expect lousy sleep for at least the first few months and he said that it just did not happen, that he has/is getting great sleep. As for it being dangerous, that is hyped up as well.  If you make sure to follow a few standard practices (no alcohol, no sleep inducing meds, proper bed set-up, etc), it is safer for baby than a crib. Cultures that bed share, and there are numerous, have almost no cases of SIDS.  Babies get hurt in cribs all the time (sometimes to tragic consequences)- climb out of them and fall, break legs/arms between the bars, SIDS, and more.  Not trying to flame, just trying to address some widespread myths that are very pervasive in western culture.  

Denyel - posted on 09/24/2009

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There is some of Attachemnt Parenting that I think is good, but a lot of it I don't care for. I especially don't like bed-sharing, it just seems to dangerous and distracting for. How can you and your children truly get good night's sleep when you're all fighting for sleep space?!

I understand that a very young child needs you a lot and needs to be held and comforted constantly, as they get older I believe they do need to learn independence and some self soothing.

Sarah - posted on 09/23/2009

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WOW!!!!!!!!!!!! I am overwhelmed by all the responses. Thank you everyone for all the thoughts, advice and help.. It is all very much appreciated and it looks like I have some things to think about... Thank you all again!!!!

Robin - posted on 09/14/2009

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Im not sure what it is, but I read the first comment and I dont think that has to do with the happiness level, my son has NEVER slept in our bed and at first slept in the bassinett, he has always been happy and content, and loved being in his swing, he was sleeping through the night at 2 mo old and hasnt fussed with teething, he is now 9 mo old and VERY WELL adjusted, VERY happy, I have never seen a happier more adventurous baby, as far as development he eats the way hes supposed to, he is almost walking, and saying ma ma and da da, claps his hands with joy, all kinds of things, so with out having him sleep in my bed then have problems getting him to sleep in his own bed, we had him in his own bed from the start, we also tended to him any time he cried, he then became confident and secure knowing that his needs would be met, and ONLY cried when he really needed something.

Darcy - posted on 09/14/2009

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Quoting Louise:

Love it. My baby sleeps in my bed and i spend most of the day lugging him around and i think this has helped to make him the happy baby that he is today as he rarely cries and is very easy to settle when he does cry. I was told if i did this he would become dependent on me and expect me to carry all the time but this has not been the case as he is quite happy to play on the floor or relax in his swing for a good 30 mins while i cook, have something to eat or do a little house work. Any questions or for more feel free to ask..


I dont know if I really agree with thats what hepled male him a happy baby. Because my baby girl has never slept a day in my bed with me and I dont care her around and she is an exteremly happy baby. She hardly ever cries. Everywhere we go people talk about what a great baby she is and are in aww with how happy and good she is....I honestly like that some babies are just born very happy.


 

Lynlee - posted on 09/13/2009

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I don't really know all the requirements of attachment theory but I think we did a few of the characteristics. We initially co-slept and had our son in a bassinet in our room but it turned out our son was the noisiest sleeper and after a month of little sleep we put him in his own room. I breasfed until he was two when he decided he had had enough. When he was a baby and was fussing or not happy or waking a lot during the night I would carry him in a front pack for most of the day for a few days and it really did help. I never did 'cry it out' or anything like that, but walked, sang, fed etc until he felt sleepy again. We will do the same things for our next baby.

Candice - posted on 09/13/2009

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another thought: my daughter cried ALOT because she had reflux. if i had been of a mind to let her cry it out..i might have missed that. she mostly still only cries is if she is hurt, in pain, or scared. hmm...should i ignore that? Would you want to be ignored if you were hurt, in pain, or scared? ok now...as they get older, yes...they can learn to throw tantrums to get attention or get what they want...this is a seperate issue, but as an infant they don't cry to manipulate because they don't have the cognitive ability. They cry because they are expressing an emotion (hurt, fear, pain) and it's their only form of communicating.

There are a couple of great websites about these topics you might want to check out. one is Dr. Sears...

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t13010...

the other is parenting science (everything they talk about shows the research it is based on)...

http://www.parentingscience.com/index.ht...

[deleted account]

I think that a child's needs need to be met and when they are babies they have no way to communicate needs except through crying, even if the need is just I want to be close to you. So I don't like to let my son cry on his own, but sometimes it is necessary for short periods of time. I think you have to be reasonable about it. Obviously you don't want to give yourself a bladder infection by refusing to use the restroom because your child wants to be held. And I was horrified to hear that a believer in attachment parenting actually asked my friend if she could take her daughter out of the carseat on the highway at 65 mph because she was screaming. That is obviously a situation where you are endangering the child's safety if you pick them up. So I give my son all the love and affection he wants and love to carry him whenever I can and then I do my best to make him comfortable and happy at those times when I can't be holding him.

Minnie - posted on 09/13/2009

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We practice it. I believe that human infants come into this world with ingrained, instinctual expectations regarding their care and that they develop optimally when these expectations are met.

Our children are treated with equal kindness, empathy, understanding and gentleness. We homebirth, in the water, to facilitate a gentle transition to this world. I breastfeed immediately and continue for natural duration (child-led weaning). We allow our children to begin solids of their own volition without us shoveling it at them. Our babies are carried in-arms from birth or strapped to our backs, they sleep share in our bed, move to their own beds when they are ready, we do not spank, punish in any way, and our children are never left to cry alone.

To sum it up- we show respect to our children, the same respect that we want for ourselves.

Rebekah - posted on 09/13/2009

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I'm happy with the way we have handled our boys. People often comment how happy and content they are. It depends on the parents and the baby as to what is best.

Candice - posted on 09/13/2009

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here's the theory i went with: responding when they cry teaches them to trust u, then they cry less because they know you will be there. carrying and holding them makes them feel secure and safe, so they end up being more independent because they know you will be there when they venture out into the world. my daughter is 16 mos. we coslept, i held her alot (still do before bed too), and never let her cry long. she barely cries now, sleeps well in her own bed, and is very independent. seems to have worked for me!

Rebekah - posted on 09/13/2009

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Yeh my boys were in hospital for the first 3 months of their lives anyway so I think (maybe) that has made them more independent anyway but I can't say for sure.

Ashley - posted on 09/13/2009

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i didnt with both of my sons. they both sleep in their own bed, i never breastfed, i dont carry them around all the time. with my first son it would have been hard to anyways because he was in the hosp for 2 months attatched to an IV. i wouldnt get any sleep if they slept with us and neither would my partner. my partner wouldnt be impressed either if they slept with us and i cant say as i blame him. one thing i dont do is let them cry for any lenght of time. even when my 16 month old wakes up in the middle of the night i still go to him. my oldest will go play in his room by himself. he doesnt need me there when he plays and my 2 month old prefers to be down more than being held which i love. he loves being in his swing, bouncer chair or playmat. it's for some people but not for everyone and its not for me

Rebekah - posted on 09/13/2009

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I have twins and can't imagine carrying both or sleeping with both, and hubby would NOT be impressed to have them in our bed or even bedroom. That's about it really. They sleep well in their own room.

Siobhan - posted on 09/13/2009

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Sarah,

Well, first thing is...I love my sling. My son had reflux until he was 6 months old, and crying was something he did regularly and he never slept....until the sling. I could nurse him constantly...which he wanted until his meds kicked in...while still being able to use my arms for other things. He also wanted to be able to look at me while nursing so, while out, the sling allowed me some privacy, comfort for him, and saved my back while I nursed him and/or carried him about. We didn't originally intend to...but, we partially co-sleep. I am not a huge fan of cosleeping as I have personnally seen some horrific tradgedies from it, but..in this case it was a huge life saver. My son nursed constantly like I said, due to the reflux, well the nursing became a habit. He was also preemie, so I was not allowed to wean his night feeds until 8 months..so nursing every hour or less through the night proved difficult with him in his crib in another room...or even at the end of my room. So, i used a bassinet until he was 5 months...but he only slept in it until around midnight-2am and then he would come into bed with me until we got up at 7-8am. When he is sick and wants to nurse constantly again, he will sometimes come into bed earlier. I beleive that because he has been literally attached to me for 11 months it has created to things...one a very strong bond between us, which I am grateful for...but can't say if it wouldn't have developed even if we weren't constantly connected. The other is...he used to be very dependant for play. So, I "weaned" him to independant play. He still prefers to have me close by, but will be happy for a little while by himself. My husband is grateful that we have a happy and healthy little boy, but he does wish that he could have participated more than he did. My son wouldn't take a bottle and was only happy with dad for a short period of time (dad's boobs are too small..:) and he wasn't comfortable with the sling so he used a bjorn carrier, but still, he feels that the attachment style things that we did do, were more successful with me than him. I think it also really depends on your child and your personality. As for crying, I did respond immediately to all cries up until 6 months when I also tried to let him sort his frustrations out himself for short periods of time (ex.he would cry because the toy was not doing what he wanted..then when he figured out he could make it do something else he was happy again.) Its just my opinion, but i don't think yhat its possible to parent using just one style..I think everyone needs to twist everything to give it your own spin. Good Luck!

Sarah - posted on 09/13/2009

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Rebekah- how come its not for you?

Slobhan- you said that you do a combination of things. What kinds of things do you do?

Louise- that is the same thing I have been told by some people. That is I tend to him every time he cries, etc, he will become dependent and only want to be with me, but I have read information that goes both ways. I will have to pull out my developmental psychology text and read more.

Thank you all for your answers!

Mel - posted on 09/13/2009

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I think Bowlby's work in this area is excellent and very practical, try some developmental psychology texts for more accurate information

Siobhan - posted on 09/13/2009

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I like some of the concepts but not others. I find I ended up doing a combination of alot of things...and my babe is happy and content most times...but he is also a stubborn little boy and independant to no ends these days...which is FABULOUS!

[deleted account]

Love it. My baby sleeps in my bed and i spend most of the day lugging him around and i think this has helped to make him the happy baby that he is today as he rarely cries and is very easy to settle when he does cry. I was told if i did this he would become dependent on me and expect me to carry all the time but this has not been the case as he is quite happy to play on the floor or relax in his swing for a good 30 mins while i cook, have something to eat or do a little house work. Any questions or for more feel free to ask..

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