CRAZY MIL..... anyone else?! PLEASE HELP!

Brean - posted on 04/25/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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i need help handling my crazy MIL.... let start by saying this is her first grandchild... which is totally normal for her to be excited about..... but,

she has multiple picture albums of MY daughter on HER facebook saying, "MY beautiful BABY DANNY"
(I have asked her several times not to put the word "baby" in front of my daughter's name, as I do not want it to stick. like my cousin BABY linda who is 22. and her Name is Danielle and DANNY is a nickname given to her by my fiance and we told everyone to call her by the name we chose for her, she refuses. and i absolutely hate when someone calls MY child theirs. She is MY daughter... sorry.)

She has already complained that she hasn't been allowed to babysit comparing herself to my family cause my 2 aunts that raise me babysat once for my fiance's birthday so we could go out. our daughter is only 6 weeks old, i'm sorry if i'm not rushing to hand her off to people to watch her for me when i am perfectly capable to do so. i think she expected us to always ask her to babysit since we are both 21, but i am a very mature 21 and have my priorities in order, unlike she did. she was 16 when she had my fiance and pawned him off on her mother.
(she has a 16 yr old and 13 yr old and barely cares for them, they have to practically beg for food, but they usually end up making microwave food or sandwiches for themself and her husband has to tell her off weekly just so she will do laundry.... this makes me question her ability be lieft alone with my child)

she calls multiple times a day to ask a series of 20 questions, i.e. how is danielle? where is she? how much has she eaten? what is she doing? how many pampers has she gone through?
(this makes me feel as if she is questioning my ability to parent!)

she complains about me to my fiance instead of telling me something about her complaints... we are both adults.
(she complains that i dont answer my phone, usually cause she's already pissed me off by calling tons of times..... she complains about my family and how when we baptize her, it will be in my hometown as well as when we get married, but its only so since my family will be the one paying for the majority of both events.)

she stalks me.
(literally she will call, text, facebook im, facebook message, myspace message me until i answer.... and of course by this point i am pissed and just wait for my fiance to get home cause my blood pressure has already shot through the roof and i dont want to talk to her.)

she comes over to visit out daughter and EXPECTS me to have dinner.
(yeah, i dont think so. she invites herself over, perhaps if i invited her, i would prepare a meal.)

she will wake up my daughter if she is asleep when she visits.
(she is a newborn.... she is ALWAYS asleep. my dad visits her and doesnt mind her being asleep.... he understands that she needs it)

she gets mad cause she is only allowed over if my fiance is home, because i am to the point that i do not want to be left alone with this female.

she has called my daughter a "butterball" and when carrying Danielle she has complained about heavy she is. and that makes me so mad, she is a baby, if shes too heavy put her down!

i honestly believe she is sincerely jealous of me being with her son..... she never cared for him and never helped him while he was in college, she maybe gave him $50 in the 3 years he was there. he now works for the govt and with his first check he bought her tons of stuff and than we became official and all those gifts and generosity came towards me. she also has 3 sons and always wanted a daughter, but i'm sorry, Danielle is MY daughter.

she told me i ate too much like 3 days after i had my daughter, when i had a 1/4 of the amount of food she ate.

she tried to give us condoms at our baby shower!
(rude! inappropriate cause there were children around and i felt she was pretty much calling my daughter a mistake... she was not planned, but she was NOT a mistake!)

i'm sorry if it seems like i just keep going on and on, but i do not know how to handle her, i do not want to be rude, as i would hate it if my fiance were rude to my aunts, but it seems i am at my wits end. it is to the point where anything she does annoys me, pisses me off and raises my bloodpressure. i have tried making snide comments, being polite, being OVERLY polite and still she is so rude and impolite to me.

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11 Comments

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Michelle - posted on 04/27/2010

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Heres the thing, if she dont give you respect then she dont deserve any.
I am not particularly keen on my fiances mother either.
If it were me, I'd lock the door and turn off the phone or just ignore her. Just say, "Thank you for your concern but I am perfectly capable and know what I am doing."
Hope this helps.

Gayle - posted on 04/26/2010

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Just wanna let you know that i know how you feel.... My MIL does the same thing, calls MY daughter her baby, tries to tell me how to raise her, and actually told me that she doesn't care what rules that i have for my daughter, she told me, "My house, my rules... she can do whatever she wants in MY house!" To me that is showing that she has no respect for me or my parenting....I told her that my daughter won't be going to her house without me then..... My husband won't stick up for me and therefore I am the selfish, ungrateful bitch.... She even bought a pack-n-play for her house and then when i went out and bought one for my house, she actually went off on me and told me that if what she bought wasn't good enough for me, that i should have told her so that she wouldn't have wasted the money, even though she was the one that said it was for her house, and when i asked hubby about why she bought it to begin with, he told me it was so she could babysit when i go back to work.... I told him that wasn't going to happen, so yet again i am the bad guy.... I'm sorry, but i'm tired of getting treated by crap by his family and if i have to be the horrible one, then so be it... I tried being nice, I tried to keep my feelings to myself, but you get to the point where you finally say whop cares, it's my feelings and my family, and if you don't like it, too bad.... I feel like saying " You raise your kid and let me raise mine!" (she has a 9yo) and i don't want my daughter being raised like hers!!! My best advice is stand your ground!!! You know what's best for your baby, and don't let anyone tell you any different... Good luck and personally, i think you are quite lucky because at least your man sticks up for you and your decisions.... Mine hasn't grown up yet and still sides with his mommy instead of his wife!

Kerstie - posted on 04/26/2010

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She sounds like MY mother! Haha, I completely understand where you are coming from, and can probably give you a good point of view from your fiance's side. My mother had me when she was 15, she has never been a very good mother to me but she likes to take credit for who I am today even though my grandparents and adoptive father raised me. It makes me cringe that she thinks she's the one to thank for all of the accomplishments I have made. She also didn't help me with college and I had to rely on my grandparents who thankfully had been saving up the money for my college since my mother was pregnant! She is very jealous of my boyfriend's family because I adore them and go to his mother for advice. But, it seems like there is nothing you can do to change these people. She has other problems among the ones I've mentioned and I have opted to just completely block her out of my life until she understands that she is hurting way more than she is helping! I'm not sure but maybe your fiance's mom has other issues too? She told me when she found out I was pregnant that "she would be very pissed" if I kept my son from her. But, I really don't trust her and don't want him around the same things that I was around as a child. Maybe you and your fiance need to sit and have a talk about telling her her boundaries. I told my mother that she could change a few things about her lifestyle such as the drinking, and strange men she brought around but she refused and has to live with the consequences of me not wanting my son around that. Hopefully his mom will listen since it seems that she cares a lot for your daughter!

Brean - posted on 04/26/2010

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it does help to know i am not alone and i try to not say anything to her and my fiance is definitely on my side, he knows how crazy his mother can be and even has issues with her and the way she acts around us, expects for us to drop what we're doing and answer her call and things like that. and i have talked to her before, to no avail..... my dad says he thinks i may just need to blow up in her face because since she is so rude and inappropriate, perhaps she'll respond to me being rude and inappropriate. and for the record, not even my dad and step mom have babysat... they came over when i went grocery shopping one day, but my fiance was upstairs. ugh!

Jessica - posted on 04/26/2010

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Keep us posted on this! Since I am going through a similar situation, I'd also like to know what tips worked for you. Another thing that helped us is maybe make her feel a little silly for some of the things she says or does. For example, if she asks how many diapers your daughter went through (what a weird thing for her to ask!), simply ask her why she wants to know? I mean, what answer could she possibly have that doesn't make her sound nosey (and a little wacky)? My MIL will just grab by son out of my hands sometimes without even asking, and a friend told me next time to look at the person next to me and say something like, "wow, people can be really rude when it comes to babies". It would embarrass her, and it might make the point loud and clear. This may sound mean to someone who is lucky enough not to have issues with their MIL. But, its a power struggle and its best to set the tone early or she will walk all over you later.

(There should be a group for those of us with insane MILs! I am sorry to hear that others are also going through this, but it also helps me just knowing I am not alone!)

Brennis - posted on 04/26/2010

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There are some things you can do so that she has to deal with you. If you are providing pictures stop, I know this sounds harsh but take her off your Facebook friends. I had to do that to my MIL.

You may have to have your "hubby" tell her she is not allowed to come over... and anything else you two decide on as preventative measures. I know where this will lead if you don't talk at least with him. She will get to see AS little of the grandchild as possible.

I know because if I didn't live in a different town from my MIL, that would be the norm. I wouldn't answer the door, the phone, nothing I would avoid at ALL costs. Our daughter is already going to grow up with mommy doesn't like Grandma, I am trying very hard for our relationship not to affect their relationship.

Hope that helped.

Chloie - posted on 04/26/2010

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better yet get ur other half to talk to er about it after all its his mum

Brean - posted on 04/25/2010

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i feel a little better after venting, but still not great.... i think i'm going to have to bite the bullet and have a talk with her even though i know it probably wont change a thing.

Chloie - posted on 04/25/2010

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My MIL lives on the other side of australia, preety sweet, anyway do u feel better after venting that

Sandra - posted on 04/25/2010

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this also sounds EXACTLY like my MIL!!!! you are NOT ALONE



I do believe that women like this ARE jealous because the things they love (their son and grandchild) now both belong to US and not HER.



My MIL has been bugging me about babysitting as well. My daughter is 6 months old now but when she was 4 weeks old my MIL was going to get me and my hubby a hotel stay for a weekend so she could babysit, I laughed in her face telling her that there is NO way in HELL she is getting my baby. she has still never babysat. she always compares herself to her friends "they always get to babysit their grandkids" I said "maybe you can borrow those kids, their parents seem less possessive than me"



the sleeping thing?! yeah i went through that too. My baby would be asleep and she would wake her up saying "I am here sweetie wake up" Like WTF my baby didnt care if she was there or not AGHH.



She also had the habit of calling my daughter "her little sweetie" I had to keep reminding her that she was MINE. I also had to take pics off of my facebook profile because she kept "sharing" them with her friendslist with the titles "look at my baby"



that was a little bit of my rant. she still irritates me beyond belief but i can say i have been standing my ground on things and things have gotten better without me having to be rude. I am sure she thinks I am insane but i keep sticking my ground and she is not bothering me as much.



the babysitting : i keep telling her "when she is old enough to decided she wants to sleep over with you i will allow it,. until then, she wont be staying with you. This is nothing against you (i had to lie haha) but I am a new possessive mother, and I dont want to let her go.



the sleeping thing ...this is how i got her to stop waking up my daughter. I asked her "what time will you go to bed tonight?" she said "11ish why?" then i said "so should I come in your room about midnight and wake you up? because I am sure my baby doesnt appreciate being woken up." she never did it again



dont worry you are not alone,

Jessica - posted on 04/25/2010

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Wow, seriously...she sounds EXACTLY like my MIL. Not only her attitude, but she had my husband when she was 16, also didn't help with his college at all, calls our baby her baby (it makes me cringe!), stalks me on Facebook, jealous of my family, comes over way too much, etc. I felt like I could have wrote a lot of this post myself!



Does your fiance understand your point of view, and back you up? I think thats key. My husband finally recently sent my MIL an email explaining some of our frustrations, and that seemed to help a little bit. It was good that it came from him, as it showed her that we are a united front in this! Long story short, he explained to her that we are a family, and we need our privacy and family time. She needs to respect our decisions, and stop badgering us to 'steal' our son all the time, and accept no as an answer when we say no. We both work full time, and WE want time to bond with him (she constantly wants to take him). He explained to her that we don't let anyone take him on the weekends. (Just my step mother during the week, while we are at work...which she is insanely jealous of). It was a long email, with a lot of points...but it really did seem to help...at least for now....



I also find it hard to always be nice, when she drives me so crazy. So far, I have let my husband be the 'bad guy', as she doesn't stay mad at him for long. However, I am also at my wits end, and he fully supports me if I do get the nerve to speak up and stand up to her...which just might happen very soon!



Good luck...I feel your pain.