Emotional expectations of grandmothers...?

Renae - posted on 12/16/2009

This isn't completely answering your question but I just have to contribute! My MIL thinks she is second mother! From the time my baby was born she came over EVERY DAY, letting herself into my house with the spare key whenever she wanted. She visits SIL nearly every day and stays overnight to help with the kids, to them she really is second mother. She bought a cot to keep at her house while I pregnant for "when he stays overnight with her". She knows everything (even though the majority of what she says is either downright wrong, very out of date or just plain dumb). She put her work roster on my fridge so I can "schedule around her" and she copies my calendar into her diary so she knows when I will be home (I have put fake things on there on occasion!). Every time I see her I get grilled, what is he eating, how much and when. How many naps is he having, shouldnt he be on 1 nap by now. Why aren't you using the nappy cream I bought its better than the one you use. It goes on and on and on. I used to have a good relationship with her but now I avoid her. And I'm NOT cleaning out the fricken spare room so she can have a room here like she does at SIL's house! Lets not forget, coming over, picking up my baby, taking him to another room and when he cries saying "no you're not going back to mum you have to get used to me". And this is just the half of it.

I think grandparents have a distanced version of a parent-child relationship, for want of a better way to put it. They are not there to be the main caregiver, decision maker, disciplinarian, or main source of comfort to the child, those things only a mother can do (but my MIL will certainly try). They are there to enjoy their grandchildren and offer advice when it is wanted. It is NOT their job to keep an eye on the mother, which is what I think a lot of grandparents think they are supposed to do.

I don't think I will get anywhere by talking to my MIL. She will just say "I am not interferring I am being helpful" like she always does. I just have to distance myself from her. I allow her to see my baby once a week for as long as she likes, that is plenty, there is no need for a grandparent to see their grandchild every day, that's just ridiculous. And he will not be staying alone with her until he is older because I do not think she will respect my wishes and she will do her own thing (like wanting to give orange juice to a baby with reflux - how stupid is that!). And she certainly would not call me if he needed me, she wants him not to need me when she is there because she wants him to think she is just as good as mum.

So all in all Annika, yeah I hear ya! Good luck!

Annika - posted on 12/16/2009

hi, thanks so much for your answer.. yes, i completely understand what you are saying.. im glad someone has been able to put in words exactly how I feel about the situation. I feel my space is being troden on! I wish it was as simple as having a talk with her but she is the most complex woman on this planet I think. Thanks again for your answer!

Jodi - posted on 12/15/2009

In my opinion grandparents are there for spoiling your kids rotten! Most parents (moms especially) relish the idea of becoming grandparents, they get all the fun things with the kids without the lack of sleep, without having to always be the bad guy and getting to send them home! I don't think that grandparents and their grandchildren should have mother/daughter mother/son relationships, that is a special relationship reserved specifically for the mother figure of the child, be that the biological mother, guardian or whomever. A grandmother's role is special in and of itself. Is she trying to "raise" your daughter or take over the role of mother? Is she undermining you either infront of your daughter or when she's not around? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, I would sit down and have a talk with her and tell her how you feel about it. Perhaps have hubby help with the convo. This is her time to simply enjoy her grandchildren and nothing more. P.S. my mom has 6 grandkids now, even when she was watching my nephew 5 days a week, there was a very different relationship between her and his mother. That being said, lots of grandparents like to be very involved in their grandchildren's lives, that includes being invited to school plays, birthday parties, holidays and the like. I really hope I helped to answer your question and best of luck!