Feeling disconnected with old friends

Colleen - posted on 06/17/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I had my baby four months ago and we love, love, love her! I can't imagine my life without her. These past four months have been very stressful and trying-you know, the newborn stage, she had issues with being a preemie, breastfeeding woes, acid reflux, stranger anxiety...gosh these first months are hard, aren't they? My friends said they "wanted to give us some space" because they knew how tired we were. I didn't call because I was exhausted but would have loved company, a text, phone call, or email. I didn't reach out, but neither did they. Now that I am starting to make it back to work and things, I am not included even when I ask about things. One person in particular didn't even call the whole four months I was not working! She also was not very supportive during my pregnancy either. I felt really hurt by that and feel like just not making an effort anymore. I was just feelin blue about it, kind of mourning my relationships that were. Is anyone else feeling disconnected?

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Lynlee - posted on 06/18/2009

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I also feel like this at the moment. We moved towns about 8 months ago and knew noone in our new town so it has been hard work making new ones. We don't normally hear from our old friends unless we email first and I never seem to see the new ones I have made except for at playgroup once a week. I guess it's just a matter of making an effort to contact those friends and meeting up with them regularly. Maybe you could email your old friends and suggest they bring food round for lunch on a weekend and see if they are keen. They may just be unsure if they would be welcome at your place, with the baby taking up so much of your time?

Lacey - posted on 06/18/2009

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THis is very common, I have the same feelings with some of my friends, sometimes they are just in a different place than you are. There are wonderful things happening in your life and you want to share them with everyone, just that some people don't know how to be involved. This is a great time to meet other new moms who are going through some of the same things as you are. Your friends/co workers might come around, you may be as close to them as you once were, but keep in mind that you have been off or away from work for awhile now, and they adjusted to you not being there. I just returned to work myself and had to have a meeting with my co workers because none of them would talk to me. They told me that they had a hard adjusting to me coming back to work. Now everything is fine, and back to normal. Goodluck, keep your head up and no you are not the only one going through this, it is very common ;)

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Colleen - posted on 06/29/2009

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Ug! Erica!  I feel for you, I do.  You should use this circle of moms as a supportive if you can ever get to a computer.  Sometimes you just want someone to say, "wow, that sounds really hard.  I hope you're doing ok".  Hang in there

 



 



Quoting Erica:

I have friends who are apart of the military and they only come home once in a while, they were home right after the baby was born and didn't even TRY to contact us. When a mutual friend tried to arrange it that we could all get together they told him that I was upset with them because I didn't call! My daughter has had a few problems, my husband works 12 hour swing shifts and I didn't have their number! After I found out she thought I was mad I left her a 5 min. voicemail apologizing for making her feel that way and explained my situation. NOT EVEN A CALL BACK!

Now another friend has come home and we even drove all the way out to his parents house and he wasn't there and hasn't tried to contact us in any way! We spent 2 hours with his family I'm sure they told him we were there!!!! My husband's friends are interested and call me but really I feel alone, w/ a hubby who is hardly home. I love my daughter but there are nights that I could really use a friend to lean on.

The friends I have that are mommy's are recent mommys like me or they have their own problems to deal with. (husband leaving for boot camp etc.) I just want to scream!!!

I feel your pain truly I do. There is no explaining to people who don't have kids how much your life has changed and you need as much normalcy as possible when it comes to your group of friends.





 

Chanel - posted on 06/25/2009

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im sorry to say this but at my 4th month of pregnancy I had to do away with 90% of my "so called friends" They started early...not returning my phone calls, being insensitive. You name it. So what I did was completely cut off contact. I kept only 3 good friends....because they are also mothers. So they completely understood me and what I was going thru. U know I didnt believe this when my sister told me that my single friends would grow envious of my relationship and pregnancy... Most of my single friends were used to man bashing and regretting there abortions.. Consider urself better off! Congrats on your baby and if your ever need to talk just hit me up! taurusummer@hotmail.com im on instant messenger. And on facebook of course.

Sabrina - posted on 06/25/2009

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I am sorta in the same boat as you are girl. I live in a college town filled with college kids. I am 25 and my husband is 26, we have been together for 8 years and married for 3 of those. NONE of our friends are married, some are still single. NONE have children, so none of them knew what we were going through. I felt "left out" all during my pregnancy bc they all would go out drinking and too the bars,I actually had a girlfriend that made me so hurt and upset that I snapped at her and never wanted to hang out with her bc she didnt understand pregnancy and all she ever talked about was getting fat and being and all the "not nice" things that your body does to you when you are pregnant. I was always hurt and like, "please do not tell a pregnant girl these things". then when we had our son, it was the same way. To this day, we do not get invited to do things and hang out, and yes we cant go to the bar or to movies, but we can still hang out and be with our friends.....we dont even get the invite. We will find out like a week later that they all did something.

So, after my long story. I get it. I understand more than you know. Do any of your friends have kids or are they married? I would say, start putting yourself out there. You have to practically invite yourself and the more you go and hang out with them yourself, the more they will realize that you CAN go out. Or invite them to your place. They will get the picture, it will just take a little bit. My son is 6 months old and I am still trying to get them all used to it. I know it hurts your feelings, but it is honestly that they just simply do not understand.

I hope this helps, or maybe just comforts you. !!! Look up and cheer up!!!

Erica - posted on 06/25/2009

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I have friends who are apart of the military and they only come home once in a while, they were home right after the baby was born and didn't even TRY to contact us. When a mutual friend tried to arrange it that we could all get together they told him that I was upset with them because I didn't call! My daughter has had a few problems, my husband works 12 hour swing shifts and I didn't have their number! After I found out she thought I was mad I left her a 5 min. voicemail apologizing for making her feel that way and explained my situation. NOT EVEN A CALL BACK!



Now another friend has come home and we even drove all the way out to his parents house and he wasn't there and hasn't tried to contact us in any way! We spent 2 hours with his family I'm sure they told him we were there!!!! My husband's friends are interested and call me but really I feel alone, w/ a hubby who is hardly home. I love my daughter but there are nights that I could really use a friend to lean on.



The friends I have that are mommy's are recent mommys like me or they have their own problems to deal with. (husband leaving for boot camp etc.) I just want to scream!!!



I feel your pain truly I do. There is no explaining to people who don't have kids how much your life has changed and you need as much normalcy as possible when it comes to your group of friends.

Sarah - posted on 06/25/2009

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I know exactly what you mean and can also relate to Lorraine. I had exactly the same thing with my best friend, but she only lives 2 hours away! When i was pregnant she told me not to bother her with all the baby stuff when 'its' born!! She's a nurse!! She said she doesn't understand why Mum's find it acceptable to bore everyone with news of their baby's recent development. I didn't even bother to try and explain. She'll phone once in a while but doesn't ask how everything is - just goes on to her news (who she's recently slept with etc). If she does come round (just because she's in the area to see her ex) she will make sure it is about 8-9pm as she knows baby will be in bed and doesn't really ask much of him. I think it is easier for her to think everything is as it used to be between us and if she doesn't acknowledge baby then she can keep on thinking that. My husband said he thinks she is jealous of my son. I have always been there for her day and night and listened to her, made her feel good about herself etc. However, now my priorities have changed from giving my 'best friend' a big head to making sure my son is happy and healthy. If she calls and i say i'm just feeding Tom, can i call her back, she gets all huffy!! We have obviously grown apart. We're in our mid/late 20's but i think she thinks she is still a teenager and i feel about 40 years old hehe. I'm distancing myself from her now as i don't need that sort of trouble to content with. I have a completely different circle of friends now - all who seem to understand the need for Mummy to brag about her son smiling or sitting up for the first time and all who share the happiness that brings!! I've met them at hospital, doctors etc. Not really into mother& baby clubs but been a couple of times as baby likes it and met some Mums there too. Just get out there and the right friends will come to you hun. Chin up xx

Toni - posted on 06/22/2009

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I totally understand and am where you are at! my friends all thought that during this first month with our new baby that " i had more important things to do" and " must be too tired" to catch up or hang out. I wish they wouldnt assume that! because sometimes yur just craving some adult converstation. I have reached out myself, jus to let them kno that yes i may be busy but i do still need them around, most of them dont have kids yet, so I know they dont understand. But yea from all ive read about pregnancy and post partum, this is very common, my mom told me she dealt with it with my brother and I. so yea, I would try to reconnect if you want to still see these people, or if you want some new friends with kids, maybe drop into a new parents group or class or take a mom/baby excerise class! all fun things :) take care!

Laura - posted on 06/19/2009

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I know the feeling. I had my first when I was 18. Before I got pregnant there was always a big group that hung out at my dads house after school. Most of which were boys that ranged in ages from 14 to 18, and only about 5 girls. If you count my brother and all his friends I have about 20 brothers part of the reason for that is because when I was pregnant they were the only ones that stuck around besides my husband. I miss having a house full. I took care of all of them. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, and patched up the wounds they got from biking and skate boarding. Now we're all older and are doing different things. And there are few people that ask us if we want to go party, but we always turn them down because we love our kids more.

Lorraine - posted on 06/19/2009

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Let me tell you my baby is two months and I am feeling the exact way. I have or had a best friend in california that the both of us were best of friends talk to each other all the time. When I got pregnant i thought she would be the one to call me to see how I was doing, how the belly was and just everything. She never called, wrote, emailed you name it. She did come out to visit me once because now I live in Texas but even that was kind of ackward. Besides her, no one else is calling either and my little family and I are thousands of miles away from our family. All I can tell you is that we are disconnected from people, but just focus on your baby and family. Memories are gonna last longer with your baby than with some friends that might not be there later. Well if you need someone to talk to i'm gonna stay home with my girl till probaby october.

Fiona - posted on 06/19/2009

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i had the same problem aswell. i found people only came to see my daughter not to see how i was. i had a cesearean and my partner had to go away and i had no family or friends support while he was away which meant i had to drive and do everythng. it was quit difficult. maybe let your friends no how you feel that you need the company. i think having kids is the best thing in life and some people dont understand it and expect you to drop everything for them when its just not possible anymore

Michelle - posted on 06/17/2009

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doesn't sound like any of them have any kids of their own....otherwise they would know how important even just a short phone call is.....i guess the whole mum thing just makes some people uncomfortable. its pretty normal, though....you read and stuff when you're pregnant that things will change but until it happens its hard to know how much! you are probably going to have to find a new group of friends....all us mums need people who are going to be a source of support, not make us feel down...just make sure you don't cut yourself off from outside stuff altogether because that can easily happen if you let it....chin up!

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