Mary Renee - posted on 02/25/2011 ( 40 moms have responded )
My daughter is 9 months old and for the most part I have gotten past this, but not entirely - and I'm wondering if any other mothers experienced the same thing. It's hard for me to admit this because it seems so weird, but perhaps it's hormonal or something else that's normal.
After my daughter was born I would sometimes get very scary graphic visions of something horrible happening. Like I would walk past the banister on the stairway while holding her and have a horrible vision of accidently dropping her and her falling down the stairs and cracking her head open. Horrible, isn't it? And I actually picture it in my head, even though I don't want to. This is just one example, but there are other things that are worse, I'll be doing a normal activity, like crossing the street when I have a green light and imagine a car hitting us, or something like that. Or she'll be close to the TV and I'll imagine the tv falling and crushing her. Very graphic and horrible. And I hate gory movies and can't stand to watch gory horror films, I'll leave the room if it's on a TV, I can't stand it. And yet, right after I had my daughter I was having these horrible thoughts.
I don't think it's post partum depression, because I never had thoughts of myself hurting my baby. Just horrible visions of all the various ways she COULD get hurt on accident. Part of me wonders if this isn't evolutionary, like women have these thoughts so that they are more aware and more able to protect their child from dangers, but it's still kind of weird. Did any one else have these thoughts? I thought maybe it could also be tied in to the vivid dreams some women have during pregnancy because I had extremely vivid dreams while pregnant that I would remember every night.
One night when she was just a week and a half old she was sleeping in the basinet next to our bed and I woke up with a start because I thought she fell out of her basinett. I looked in the basinett and while my brain told me I saw her in the basinett, something didn't connect and I didn't believe it, so I kept looking and I kept "seeing" her on the ground wedged in between the bed and basinett. I kept reaching down to her, trying to get her and pick her up and then checking the basinett. I "KNEW" she was asleep in the basinett, because I saw her there, but I couldn't stop "thinking" she had fallen. It was a terrifying feeling, probably a mix of sleep deprivation and a nightmare.
Anyway, I just thought I would put this out there in case any other new moms experienced the same thing. Or if you think I'm just totally crazy maybe that's true. Luckily my daughter is 9 months now and these visions and feelings have since subsided.
Thanks for any responses.