HELP!

Crystal - posted on 03/12/2010 ( 23 moms have responded )

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I have a 4 month old baby girl who will be 5 months on the 21st. She is Very attached to me, and wont let anyone hold her for more then 2 mins. even her father... i don't know what i can do.. and she recently realized she can do a high pitched yell and will not stop.. it gets frustrating. but i love her with all my heart some one please help!

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Melissa - posted on 03/12/2010

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You can try leaving the room. My son usually wants to come to me, if I am around. If I leave the room he is more than happy with someone else. He just grabs for me if he can see me.

Amanda - posted on 03/12/2010

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That's a tough one. I would....well....keep trying to let others hold her and make the duration a minute or two longer each time. If it was me this is what I would try.

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i dont know about the high pitched screaming but most babies in the first couple of months have anxiety when they are seperated from their mothers but they grow out of it a few months later, when they are a little older. wait it out, it will get better!

Christy - posted on 03/15/2010

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My baby girl did that alsoo with anyone!! intill i let more people held her and she was fine about after a month... dont give up on it though! try to take her out more

Joanne - posted on 03/15/2010

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If Mom has to go to work, then she can't really hold her all of the time. Some can't stay home (although we all wish we could), it's a must to have to go to work. So I started having people hold Michael early on...of course they had to wash hands and if they were sick, they could not come see him...he was a preemie, so we were very strict on that. But we HAVE to ba a two income household and I could not let him want only me. Let as many people hold your baby as you can...be there, so you're seen, and try to not make a big deal out of it..if you're tense baby will sence it and react to that. I agree with the 15-30 min a day as above mentioned by Brittany. It's going to be rough, no doubt about that. When I leave the room, I'm talking constantly to him...so he can hear me. He does pretty well. There were a couple of times when he was upset that someone else held him, but they all managed to soothe him pretty quickly. Big key is leading up to leaving the room, or letting someone hold baby, don't stress over it, don't worry about it, because baby will then think there really is something to be afraid of.

Brittany - posted on 03/14/2010

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this is where you start her with her father let her father have her if she screams let her show him ways to sooth her or show her ways to sooth herself you will have to keep doing this everyday at least once a day for like 15-30min

Aideen - posted on 03/14/2010

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I believe that babies make a fuss when they think they are in danger...even if she's not in any danger at all, it's not a nice experience for her to think that she is...so comfort her and reassure her that she's okay. The more 'annoying' the noise the more instinctive is it for you to try to stop that noise and so she makes more 'annoying' noises when she's most in need of your help. Stay calm in these situations as she'll pick up on your feelings. If you seem flustered it will confirm her feelings of being in danger. Naturally she feels most secure with you and if you can convince her that you're always there for her she will eventually start to feel safe enough to explore and check out other people. Patience will be needed on your part. And Daddy will have to be patient too and be reassured that she's not rejecting him....they can be big babies about this!

Holding her yourself:
I would hold her yourself as much as possible and delegate other tasks, maybe Daddy could help with the dinner rather than hold the baby while you do it? (his feelings will have to come second for another few months) Or a sling can be helpful in allowing you to get on with most tasks while still holding her. This is demanding on you at the moment but it will ease over the coming months and it will be well worth the effort to have a secure child in the coming years.

Allowing others to hold her:
If she reacts badly to someone (even Daddy) I would take her from them and comfort her. I'm never happy to leave my son in the arms of someone he's not happy with and it both upsets and surprises me when friends/relations are eager to hold my son while he screams for me, I have had to almost pry him out of their arms once or twice. For those situations where someone needs/wants to hold the baby....it has helped my son if he couldn't see the person who was holding him, i.e. he had his back to their belly (while they sat) and he could only see me talking to him etc. So when others wanted to hold him I presented him to them in this way and as he was focused on me he didn't seem to notice the "holding person" at all as i continued to talk to him and hold his hands and rub his head. A toy in his hand after about a minute and he was as happy as ever playing on someone's lap. Any signs of discontent and you need to reassure her, hold hands, distract with the toy again and take her back if this isn't helping. Don't let her be unhappy for more than a minute (and you may need to be firm with the 'holder', some people think they can settle the baby, but you can settle her faster and avoid an unpleasant experience for her)....she needs to know you are there when she needs you and she'll be more willing to try out other people if it's a positive experience and she has the option of changing her mind. My son is just gone 1 now and people comment on him being very friendly, so this has worked well for us.

Leaving her for a while:
Always warn her if you're leaving her...or she will worry that you could leave at any time. (Do not sneek out!) I make a huge deal of leaving, putting on the coat, getting out the car keys etc. and have a bit of a routine with kisses and waving at the door. Make sure she is not hungry/dirty and that she will be fully entertained with Daddy or whoever while you're gone, with a new toy a game/song, something she loves kept for these special times. She will start to look forward to the play session with dad (or whoever) while you pop out. Babies like predictability as it makes them feel safer when they have an idea of what's going to happen next. If daddy always plays a certain game, sits in a certain room or whatever, she will feel more secure while with him. You can practice a going away routine when you need a shower...it's an ideal short trip! Peek-a-boo around a doorway or behing something is great to get her used to the idea that you'll be back in a sec. for those times when she can't see you but you're not actually going away. If you play it a lot she'll expect you to appear at the '-boo' and you can 'peeeeeeeeeeeeeeek-a-' all the way out to the kitchen and back!

What about Daddy?:
Daddy's feelings will have to come second for a while. Our daddy had to do a lot of playing with our son while i was holding him as they got to know each other. As mentioned, Daddy having some sort of routine with the baby is helpful. Our daddy, for example, puts on the PJs most nights and then reads a little book before the bed-time feed. Pick a task that Daddy is comfortable with and do it together for a while, adjust if it's not working. (our Daddy also tried the baths for a while). As baby gets used to Daddy helping (and Daddy has been shown all the tricks involved in doing the tack easily) gradually let Daddy do more and after a bit let Daddy take the baby from you and get his 'task' done and then return baby to you. She will know what he's going to do if he has an item in his hands to show her, or uses the same words (bath-time with Daddy!, time to put on your PJs!), or if it's at a regular time. Don't pressure either of them with this...if Daddy's only able to do his 'task' sometimes it will still help, and he needs to enjoy the task too, it needs to be fun for them both. She will feel scared if he's not comfortable with her.

I hope some of this helps you. Some might describe yours as a high need baby in terms of attention from you and others claim that all babies go through phases like these at certain stages. Either way keep in mind that your baby is perfectly designed to let you know what she needs. Follow your instincts, if she cries there is something wrong. She's not trying to manipulate you, she needs you. Build on her attachment to you, work on building a bond with Dad next, gradually allow her some positive experiences with others and before you know it you'll be at a playgroup with her and she'll have toddled off to the other end of the room leaving you childless for a bit...feeling rejected and then proud of her independence and then all rejected again! It flies, so don't stress to much about the neediness, it's only for a while.

Melissa - posted on 03/14/2010

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I agree with leaving the room, if my little one doesn't see me, he won't cry for me. Also, the high pitch scream will change, faster than you think! It is hard to get through, but remember this too shall pass!

Kimyada - posted on 03/14/2010

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She's still young so not wanting people to hold her is expected. I think that you should have them to come around more because maybe she's not comfortable with them just yet. She will learn soon that being help by someone else is ok because she can always be able to get mommy back :)

Renae - posted on 03/14/2010

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Separation anxiety in girls usually lasts from about 5-7/8 months and peaks at around 6 months. This is a normal phase of psychological development. It will pass when she enters the next phase of development (which is associated with learning to crawl). By trying to force her to be away from you you will probably make things worse. Google it to learn more about this phase of development.

Imani - posted on 03/14/2010

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my son jd was the same. he did that for almost 4 months. i did everything with him in the carrier and it really got to my back. now he is 8 months and would scream when daddy leaves the room. sometimes i wish he would not be so independent now. he even allows some strangers to hold him which i do not find funny.

Your little girl will outgrow this stage. it is just part of growing up for them. I know it is quite taxing at the moment but just be patient and give her time to outgrow it.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/13/2010

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my little girl was very 'socially aware' as a nurse put it from at least 3 months old - she didn't like anyone but me, or dad (at a pinch) holding her. so instead of having one of those very placid little babies who gets passed round for lots of cuddles, we had a bubba who would much rather watch other people from my arms. apparently some babies are also very sensitive to their mum's mood when it comes to other people. so if you're worried about how she'll react to someone you care about, she may be picking up on it.
our little girl is now 8 mths old and not only does she *luv* her daddy, she's also more than happy to be held by her grandparents, and even by people she's only just met. some babies just take time, i think.

Emily - posted on 03/13/2010

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Also, you might try a baby carrier, so you can still get things done around the house while keeping her happy.

Emily - posted on 03/13/2010

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That's pretty normal for a 4-month-old. And it's a good sign that she's attached to you. You don't want a detatched baby!

Just give her some time.. let others hold her while you're still there.. keep talking to her and comforting her. She will get better over time.

Crystal - posted on 03/13/2010

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thank you all for you suggestions.. i have tired giving her a stuff teddy and all that... nothing works.. today though she did have lots of daddy time and was ok for about 3 hours.

and to sandra leah does NOT like her fathers mother at all (her grandma) she cant even look at her or she freaks out.. i mean don't get me wrong i love that she is attached to me but it is HARD when Im trying to get stuff done.. i put her in her swing;; on the saucer, everything she will be ok for 8 mins tops. i guess i will just have to wait it out..

and danielle yes i am a stay at home mom :) i try to give her as much alone time as possible w/o her giving starting to hyperventilate from freaking out. but we are still working on it :)

[deleted account]

i just want you to know I am going through the same thing...even the high pitch scream...all day long she barely laughs anymore because shes so amazed with this new high pitched scream ughhh

I am different than you though..i actually LOVE and HATES the fact that my daughter only wants me...im a selfish mommy who hates sharing her when the in laws come over...so i LOVE that she wants nothing to do with them....but like you, sometimes I wish she would let daddy hold her, so I could take a bath or something. So far what has worked for me is giving her some alone time with her toys..Ill sit beside her and slowly move farther and farther away until she doesnt realize I am on the other side of the room.

Danielle - posted on 03/12/2010

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My daughter was doing the same thing...are you a stay at home mom? I am and have heard from other stay home moms their babies did the same thing. I just started giving her more "alone" time at home. Since she talks to herself in the mornings I would let her stay in the crib until she cried and I'd let her stay on her floor mat more often during the day. After a week or so of this I started leaving her for short amounts of time...always with a grandma or someone who loved her enough to handle the crying lol. She's MUCH better now and growing out of it

Nicole - posted on 03/12/2010

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my daughter is the same age, turns 5 months on the 19. she is going through this phase also. she only lets my sister. what i do is try to let her be more independent. for instance ill go put her in her swing and walk away or let her play on the floor and walk away. usually if people hold her, i have them let her face me so she doesn't realize it for a little bit. when i go to work i kiss her and hand her off and leave. its easier when i work day shift and im already at work and the person who watches her can get her up, she cries for a little bit and realizes im not around.

Cynthia - posted on 03/12/2010

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I had this problem when my daughter was a couple months old. She was fine for the first couple months with anyone, then it was like a switch was flipped and the only people she was ok with was me, my mom and my daycare mom. She would NOT go to her daddy, which was frustrating, cause even to take a shower I had to listen to her scream the whole time. I agree with Amanda, just keep trying, it's all you can really do. Eventually my daughter just grew out of it, it just takes time and patience. Good luck

Amanda - posted on 03/12/2010

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Try when she is hungry or wants something to play with hand it to her daddy, like a bottle or something. My daughter sortive did that for a while. I think it's kind of a phase. Try not to pick her up so much or carry her everywhere. I sit my daughter down while I'm cleaning and stuff and have her crawl around that way she won't be used to just "me" holding her while her daddy is around.

But yeah, like when my sister started coming over I would let my sister feed her and whatnot, or give her something she likes. If anything try doing that and walking out of the room because she will want the bottle/toy that her daddy or a friend wants :) It's tough listening to them cry but you got to do it slowly and it will get better!

Pamela - posted on 03/12/2010

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All babies are different and you may just have to keep trying. I can't imagine how frustruting this is for you.

If it were me, I would try and give her a secrutiy object that can replace you. A blanket, stuffed animal, toy, or something she loves.

So when your not around and she's with someone else that would make her feel better.

Thats how I got my son to sleep in his own bed. He needs a soft blanket near his face and he goes right to sleep ;-)

Melissa - posted on 03/12/2010

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Sorry to hear that, it must be tough. Maybe if she had something with your scent? Maybe if you slept with one of her blankets and gave that to her when you weren't holding her? Otherwise I am at a loss for more suggestions.

Crystal - posted on 03/12/2010

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thank you for your thoughts.. i have tired leaving the room but she freaks out and cries like this painful cry and starts hyperventilating (sp) .. when i let people hold her longer then she wants like if she doesn't get handed to me right when she wants she does the same thing.. freaks out.. it gets frustrating.

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