How did your relationship change after the baby was born?

Erin - posted on 08/05/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I keep hearing that things change and get so much better after the baby is born. So I just want to hear different women's experiences because everyone's situation/relationship is different. How did things change with the baby's father, your mom, his family, your family, friends, etc.? Right now things are awkward with me and the baby's father but I still decided to move in with him last week. We're both 20. He's in the Navy and we used to live in different states. So living together he will be able to see our daughter more once she's born. My relationship with my mom sucks. I have a better relationship with his family than my own. They are the only ones calling me and checking on me during my pregnancy. But people keep saying 'when the baby comes things will get better'. I'm not so sure about that though (first-time mom). Please share your experiences and if you live in the Hampton Roads area please add me to your circle.

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Sherry - posted on 08/05/2009

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Hi! Don't expect any relationships to get stronger,,,it is rough when the baby comes. I had to remind myself everyday for a couple of months that I even loved my husband. He became so annoying after the baby came! The baby will be your focus and fathers can become jealous. They don't want to be, it just naturally happens. Things straighten themselves out as long as you leave the lines of communication open. Remember that the baby will be able to pick up on tension and yelling around the baby is a big nono. Good luck and you'll be ok!

Etta - posted on 08/05/2009

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Do some reading about what to expect after the baby comes. Take a class on baby care with the baby's dad, if possible. Randi wasn't kidding when she said you will be "crazy tired, and all you energy is put into the baby." You will also be sore and recovering from the birth for a couple of weeks (longer if you have a c-section). You will need to nap when the baby naps. Housework will have to slide for a while.

Sit him down and tell him you need to talk about when the baby comes. Try not to be confrontational about your needs. Tell him you will need Help. Ask him if he can do certain chores, bring home dinner now and then (my husband brought home fast food and we bought a lot of pre-packaged things we could cook in the oven, friends also brought food over, it was a big help), and help with the baby. Explain that you will need time to heal (if he attends the birth, he'll know what you went through and hopefully understand this).

It also takes time to learn to take care of the baby and get into a routine. Once that happens, things start getting easier and you have more time and energy for yourself and the house.

If the housework is really out of control after a month or two (which is ok, don't stress about it), it's a great help to hire a maid service for a one time cleaning. Consider it a treat; it's worth every penny.

Erin - posted on 08/05/2009

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Thanks Randi. Yeah our families are in Georgia. His mom plans to fly up for the weekend after the baby is born. It is definitely difficult to trust people, especially with your children. Did you eventually tell him your expectations? Or how did you try to balance things out?

Hey Etta. I'm not sure what you mean, "things I will need from him." Also I don't really have any expectations, except I don't want to be the only one doing everything. But, I don't want him to feel like I'm dictating anything. I am young though. So how can I say this w/o coming off as pushy?

Hey Sarra. Sorry to hear about your husband's family. They sound like my family. And thanks, I hope things get better also.

Randi - posted on 08/05/2009

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Hi Erin, I am from Va Beach but am currently in Germany. My husband is in the Army. We are expecting baby #2 in the next week or two and I am hopping things will go a bit smoother this time around. My husband is the best father ever but when my son was a baby he acted like he couldn't do anything because he could not nurse. He would change diapers and give bathes but not always without pitching an attitude. He worked all day so I was supposed to be supper mom even when he was home. When baby first comes the sex doesn't exist, you are crazy tired, and all you energy is put into the baby. Your relationship definitely takes a back seat for a while. The older my son got the better it was. He is 3 1/2 now and they are best buds and he wants to do everything with him. It also doesn't help being in the military and away from friends and family. If his parents are in Hampton Roads then that will help you. We have never been near friends or family and it's not always easy to meet and find people you trust that will be there for you. Seeing my husband as a father has made me love him so much more and I do think it has brought us closer but it didn't happen over night. You will have to remember to make time for the two of you and that's not always easy to do. Good luck hun and if you ever need to chat or vent just send me a message. I'm going on 2 so if you have any first time mommy ?'s I can try to answer the best I can.

Etta - posted on 08/05/2009

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I hope you have a chance to talk to your baby's father before the baby comes about what you might need or expect from him. The baby will take a lot of time and you'll need some help and understanding. Don't turn down help from family and friends, but be sure they don't tell you how to raise your child. My husband and I have always had a good relationship, but between sleep deprivation and a screaming baby with tummy troubles, tempers got short and we said some unkind things. We just made sure to apologize to each other when there was a lull. A new baby can put a strain on a relationship.
As for your relationship with your family, sometimes a new baby brings family together. Let them know when the baby is born and send them pictures. The rest is up to them.
Good luck!

Sarra - posted on 08/05/2009

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My hubby and I had a real struggle when our son was born (our son is now 7 months old), my Husband became very very very jealous of the shift of attention from him....to our son! He became quite ignorant during the last few months of my pregnancy, he stopped helping me, refused back / foot massages etc.....I though/hoped this would change once the baby was born, but alas it didn't, if anything it got worse.....my husband would leave dirty laundry on the floor (where he previously had put it in the laundry basket, or occassionally helped with the laundry!), would leave the bathroom in a mess etc etc. It got to the stage where I was following him around to clean up after him, before it hit me that i'm his wife, the mother of his son....not his slave, and we came too blows!

My Family, my personal relationship with my Mum and my brother have become so much stronger, even though we were close too begin with.....however, things with my dad seem to have gotten slightly worse, as he feels the need to tell me what to do with my son, which i hate with a passion.

My Husbands Family......well, they haven't even made the effort to come and meet our son. They live just 30 minutes drive from us, but haven't made the effort, they all wanted our child to be a girl, and when our son was born, I feel that I let them down......HOWEVER, I now take the view that it is them missing out on this wonderful child's life......my son will not miss what he does not know!!



Hope things with your Family get better once baby arrives!! :o)

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