Is it normal to loose your sex drive after having kids?

Stephanie - posted on 03/26/2010 ( 57 moms have responded )

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I have two kids,a two year old and a 10 month old! Before i had my kids,,,i was having sex all the time and always wanted it!,But now i hardly want it ...and sex feels different! Not as good as before! It's sort of depressing! Has anyone else lost there sex drive too? and has the feeling changed for you too?????

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Cassie - posted on 03/31/2012

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I am in the same boat! its horrible, and it is breaking up my relationship! but i dont want to be forced into having sex either.. it sucks.. and my son is 10 months old.... we used to have sex at least once a day and now if we do it once a week, its been a good week. i need help... does anyone think it could be because of the B/c pill???

Tara - posted on 10/04/2011

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I definately feel the same, i only have one 2 month old, but find that I am always so tired, and am always thinking of other things that I could be doing while having sex. Therefore, it is not enjoyable anymore. I feel bad for my hubby because I am NEVER in the mood.

Amanda - posted on 08/08/2011

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Honestly It is normal I think but i do know the feeling. Me n my husband use to be sex rabbits and if hew had it his way we still would be having sex everyday 3 times a day. But ever since I had my last kid, I just dont have the urge as much as he does and it sucks because he gets upset and feels its because I dont think he looks good anymore or etc and yet I still find him so sexy I just dont want sex much I think its hormones and truthfully growing up sometimes as u get well older and married its like u feel sex just isnt a main thing in ur life u know that being a parent and etc is mroe important and love of course. It does take its toll on me n my husband sometimes but I have even tried changing birth controls to help and it doesnt really but what I have done it focus on my body and see the time of day I truly do end up thinking about it and of course its when my kids are taking a nap when I got energy not when i put kids to bed for good a night time and now basically my husband works around my schedule to be able to have sex when I crave it. I also think it time it does get better but slowly as the kids get older it will.

Kitty - posted on 10/03/2011

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yea it i sure did gettting it back only now and wow pills sure help me this needed im 38

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Rene - posted on 07/21/2014

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2 months old baby - too soon to even think about it - you arent even really your normal self yet - go easy on self. This is not a race - there is nothing to prove - pressure makes it worse. Reconnect with who you are and discuss things with hubby - tell him how you are feeling and tell him you do love him its just that - your head is so busy. As a man, he will figure out a way to make your head less busy - they are the solve it group after all. So put him in his place as man and tell him - listen....I need help here...I'm afraid of this and not coping with that....little help please darling? You'd be amazed at how it changes them when they realise you do want to but..........you do want the connection with them because you love them but...........Let the big boy help with all the buts and see how that works in another few months.

Birth control pill or contraception which alter our hormones can also be to blame so see if that is also perhaps a cause. The other big thing .....and this might not be something you are ready to face yet but.......have you discussed your birthing experience with hubby or even gone through it yourself in your head to make sure you arent perhaps a little upset about treatment or how it went or any of these things? Sometimes the mere shock of really birthing puts a damper on us without us realising it.

take out 5 minutes to feel your emotions forget the shouldve couldve mustve sh*t everyone tells you - just take time out and FEEL your feelings and then take it from there. much love always. xxxx

Abby's - posted on 05/21/2014

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I have a two and a half year old and I lost the urge right after I got pregnant and really have not gotten it back. It is ruining my marriage because I don't "participate" enough for my husband and all I feel is guilty and pressured. We have a great relationship except for sex. I just don't want it any more and he takes it very personally

Rene - posted on 05/09/2014

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most women feel like this especially after having had a baby. We all prepare to have babies but when we birth them - there is a certain amount of shock and then hormonal shifts which come about which we arent always ready for. Then there is the fear of becoming pregnant again and not trusting birth control and feelings of underlying anger and stuff we dont really want to bring to the surface to deal with immediately. Then there is also the coping with baby afterwards - finding ourselves and re-defining who we are after birthing. Then there are the many roles we have to play after birthing baby - and and and.

so my take - dont be too hard on yourself - give yourself time - we "chicks" go through alot and we need to be kind to self first. The thought of sex DISGUSTED me for a while after I had my baby - I equated my man to a dog ...thats how bad it was. If he reached for me - I could reach for the door to put him out thats how much I HATED it after baby. With a little time - your body fixes itself. Sex is better for me now than it was before I had baby - I actually orgasm now (use to fake it at one stage to just get it over with lolll) - so give yourselves time. Its normal to eeerr not want it for a while and possibly also hate the mere thought of it for a while.
much love to all mommy's out there - we are amazing !!!

Helen - posted on 03/14/2014

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I am the same way, i love my husband, but i don't want to have sex. My son is almost 4 now and i have been like since i was found pregnant. My poor husband! But three months ago, when i started taking birth control pill, it gets worse. In the past, i could still had sex for almost twice a month, but now, absolutely no desire at all. I think my last desire was killed by these pills. just made a doctor appointment for further discussion about birth control pills and my sex drive. I want my sex life back!

Roxanne - posted on 02/05/2014

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OMG!!! I am in the same boat as you all. I am married with 4 children. I am fine if we never have sex every again. That's how bad my drive has crashed. But I just do it for him. I just lay there. I need help with something. I love my husband and we shouldn't argue about sex, I just want jump his bones one day. Back in the day I had sex anywhere.

Cassie - posted on 12/14/2013

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still like this and my son is 2.5. mind you I am pregnant again so that doesn't help! hope I get it back! love the man I am with. e is the father of my three kids!! I just don't feel like having sex!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/02/2012

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Monica - posted on 08/09/2011

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I believe it is quite normal, specially when you breastfeed. The truth is that the little ones tire you so much you can't really find the drive to do it. Thank goodness hubbie is very understanding, but let's say he is the one to start anything at the moment and usually earlier in the day because at night time, I'm a wreck!

Lydia - posted on 08/08/2011

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well, if your sex drive is down because your too tired, you can make a deal with your husband... he can help out more at home which gives you more time to relax a little and than you can reward him... ;-)
well for me it is nap time when i am not tired yet (like in the evenings... puuh forget about sex after a full day of baby) so on weekends and sometimes during the week he can arrange he worktime (yay to flexible work) so he is home for naptime... that renewed our sex life! it's getting better now all the time. also i find it very important not to do housework while my baby is napping, so that i can have time to myself... otherwise I am totally drained and grumpy. I give my daughter some full attention play time in hte mornings and reading books to her in the evenings..... most housework I do after her nap and she just tags along. "helping" me...

Kristina - posted on 08/07/2011

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yes! And you know what? I keep sitting here thinking that there is something wrong with me because of it...it's really affected my motivation to even have sex because i really don't find it easy to orgasm, it's even harder now...like almost impossible

Tara - posted on 04/02/2010

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yes.... i am trying to figure out why.... always wanted it before kids, and during both pregnancies, almost makes me want to be preg again just for the libido.... hahah

Rachel - posted on 04/02/2010

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someone asked if there were any remedies to help out there...my doctor told me about a testosterone cream that you can put down there to help stimulate things and get you revved up. i never actually tried it, but if my libido dips after this baby i will look into it more. has anyone else heard of this?

Kenj - posted on 04/02/2010

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EVERYONES situation is different.....EVERYONES experience of birth, children, marriage and sex is different. Lets not judge.
So many things can affect libido after birth and children.... Sleep deprivation is the major contributor- it is a fact that more sleep improves libido. Changed body image- takes some of us a while to FEEL sexy again regardless of the reality of our figures, good, bad or indifferent! In truth men usually love the female form post baby....just takes a while for us to catch on! Possible post natal issues- depression etc can overshadow a previously steamy relationship......can take ages to work back up to feeling worthy, wanting or willing....So many things can affect post baby sex!
At the end of the day, as I said before, EVERYONE is different and each couple will be happy and satisfied by completely different sexual relationships......some want sex often and varying, others less frequently but intense or some are just happy to get it on every now and then or would even prefer just the intimacy of a snuggle! Theres no right or wrong answer, no sex quota you have to hit or your relationship is doomed! Each to their own! As long as the communication is free flowing between you and your partner....you can't go wrong!

[deleted account]

I thought I was the only one experiencing this too. Same situation...went from everyday to like once a week. Plus I am bf my DD and really just don't want to be touched by the end of the day. I also had the Mirena put in and have been bleeding for almost 3 months now. Sex feels great it's just a combo of so many things I can't get into it. Women are creatures of mind stimulation where as men I swear the wind blows on them the right way and they are turned on. LOL I feel like I can't turn my mind off from thinking about whether my 4 month old is ok sleeping in the next room. So you are def not alone and I am glad to know I am not alone either! :o)

Heather - posted on 04/02/2010

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Actually, there are more studies coming out indicating that porn can ruin marriages. But have some of you actually thought about life situations affect your sex drive as well? You may have other things more pressing. Also, it doesn't matter how many times you do it. It's the quality of the intimacy. I feel that, as your priorities shift, so does your sex drive. It doesn't make it bad, just different.

Steve Vinessa - posted on 04/01/2010

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Shayna if you read the post, that was when I was on birthcontrol, which I haven't been on for over 5 years. my sex life is great now actually, thanks! :)

Steve Vinessa - posted on 04/01/2010

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well said! Yes, there are statistics that show that most marriages/relationships involving porn, etc, end. No woman should be made to feel inadequate trying to measure up to the woman in the porn industry. that's why we have so many eating disorders, etc.. It's so sad.

Steve Vinessa - posted on 04/01/2010

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I don't remember attacking you. I simply made a statement, not even in reply to you, it was a reply in general to the whole forum about my view of it. I don't have a problem. My husband and I have a great sex life with no need for outside fantasies. I think there's something wrong if you don't look at your spouse and get turned on enough to have sex with them, without using something else. some stuff is just for fun, I understand that. but I like to have sex with my husband. and only my husband. I don't want to be thinking of other people either. And I didn't mean marriage problems when I said something is wrong. I just meant there is something causing Insert whoever right here, to not want to have sex, so why not try to find the cause and fix it! I think that with communication, you can certainly draw closer to your spouse (fnot you specifically just anyone) with communication a lot can be done to replace the sex drive! :) It's a personal choice that each couple has to make.

[deleted account]

I agree with Steve on the subject of porn. It's the same with threesomes. My husband and I hate both and would never consider using porn or having a threesome. And yes there are in fact statistics to show that the majority of relationships where porn is used by one/or both partners end because of it.

There's plenty of other things she could try like dressing up/role play which don't involve another person in the bedroom whether that's through porn or a threesome. She should be trying to make herself feel sexy, not making herself feel insecure because she can't measure up to the sluts that are in porn. If as a couple they feel porn is something they'd like to try they can go ahead but that's their choice.

Maria - posted on 04/01/2010

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I have a 3 month old and I also lost my libido completly after having my baby but I agree with Shayna, porn stimulates you sexually. We've used it before we got pregnant and we will certainly use it now. You just need to find ways to keep things intresting for both of you.

Comunication is also very important, if after trying different things you are still not in the mood, talk to your partner, let him know how you feel that might help you connect as a couple again.

Steve Vinessa - posted on 04/01/2010

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Porn is not a good option! It can really ruin a marriage, esp if one or both of the people are insecure. It is never good to have another person in your marriage bed! I know I don't want my husband fantasizing about having sex with someone else, or any other number of things!

One thing I would try though, is try to get some excersize as well, if not already, it really does help, when you start feeling better, feeling better about the way you look, etc. :)

Melisa - posted on 03/31/2010

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Yes my drive is completely gone -- for the moment. I hope it comes back and soon! Don't get me wrong, I am still doing it and it is good when we do, but takes a while to get in the mood. BF has a big impact on your drive, which has effected me.

I also feel that it is harder to be intimate because you are giving so much of yourself to your baby (a different kind of intimacy). You can only give so much of yourself.

Steve Vinessa - posted on 03/31/2010

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Birthcontrol did that for me. I could have cared less if I ever had sex again in my life! Talk about boring! lol Birth control is a BIG libido blocker. Depression, even if you don't realize it. Also, it is hard to take time for yourself and time for you as a couple, but do what you can. If you and hubby/SO can make time for yourselves once or twice a month at least, that will help so much, because you will get a little break, and no interruptions, and feel more relaxed! I have 4 children, my oldest just turned 5. they are 5,4,2,and 1.

Sicily - posted on 03/31/2010

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i have a 3 month old son... before i got pregnant... me and my bf were having sex multiple times in a day... and aftter i got 3 months pregnant... i didnt feel comfortable having sex... we didnt have sex at all my last 6 months of pregnancy... and we havent had sex since the baby was born... so it has been 9 months since we had sex... the reason we dont have sex now is because i had a hard pregnancy... lots of complications.. and i dont want to risk getting pregnant again right away... and also because i dont ever get in the mood anymore... i was into sex alot before... now i have no desire for it.... my doctor said that some women never recover from the memory of a child birth... and that it effects their sex drive alot... maybe that has somethin to do with it

Heather - posted on 03/31/2010

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It's normal for the sex drive to ebb, especially when you have a lot of responsibilities and not enough time in the day. Give it some time, and maybe a little help from the hubby, and it will return. Remember, your body has taken a REAL ride...

Sulen - posted on 03/31/2010

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yes!! I had sex everyday during my pregnancy and it was great!! Now my son is 6mths old and I don't want anything to do with sex. I'm too tired and not feeling sexy at all lately

Keeshea - posted on 03/31/2010

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Yes, it is normal for parents to lose their sex drive after having kids. My husband's sex drive went down while mine went up. Being a new parent takes a lot of energy and time away from being a couple. We make sure that we set some time to be alone together.

Mary - posted on 03/31/2010

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i know how you feel. with me my sex drive went way down during my 2nd pregnancy. during the pregnancy i hated it when he would even look at me. and i didnt start having sex with him again until our daughter was 4 months old. it is nothing like what it used to be but at least he is getting it again.. lol

[deleted account]

I wouldn't say its "normal" but lots of women and men experience a reduced desire for sex after having a baby. For my hubby and I we have sex usualyl everyday which is what it was like pre-pregnancy and during pregnancy and I actually feel tighter down below than before.

Gretta - posted on 03/30/2010

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I now where your coming from, I have a 2 yr old and a 7 month, and I have lost it! But I have been told after women have a baby it can take up to a year sometimes longer to get their sex drive back, because your hormones are out of whack!

Suzi - posted on 03/30/2010

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I had my baby almost 4 months ago and I try to avoid sex now. Not interested anymore. Hopefully that doesn't last long because my hubby will get frustrated. Plus it doesn't help that my skin tore when my son was born

Elaine - posted on 03/30/2010

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We have one-year-old twins conceived after a long eight-year struggle. Sex lost its "fun" factor during infertility. Now that we have our kids, I have no sex drive - well, I have the urge every now and then, but don't want to have sex (it seems like too much work). Plus, with everything I have to accomplish each night before I can go to bed, I just want to sleep once I get there.

Melissa - posted on 03/30/2010

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I've lost my sex-drive after the birth of my son, 9 1/2 mos. ago and it's driving my husband and I crazy! Anybody have any remedies? I heard that after a year it gets better, but I'm losing my patience. My husband and I had a healthy sex-life before our son, I'm just hoping that the information above is correct......

Kara - posted on 03/30/2010

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i agree. i have a 4 yr old and and 18 month old and no desire for sex. it is sad and i feel bad for my husband. i feel like something is wrong with me im only 23 and feel like im suposed to want it but i dont. i wish i could get it back and make my relationship with husband better. i feel guilty sometimes because he asks me and i almost always tell him no im not in the mood. then i give in too because i feel so bad for him.

Brittany - posted on 03/29/2010

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My drive definitely went down after I had my son (now 7 months) but before I had him it was freakishly high. I have found that it's actually better now...for me at least. Even though it's better for me my drive has still gone down and I'm not quite sure why.

Stephanie - posted on 03/29/2010

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Oh thank you everyone so much! I have felt so alone with this issue for awhile! I was thinking i should go to the doctor,,,but then what would i say and what doctor would i go too....These were the questions in my mind! I am on Birth control,,,,so maybe that's why! I don't know,,,all i know is i feel bad for my boyfriend! Some days i don't even want him touching me and i don't know why! I used to be all about sex and stuff! But, now sex is different,it's not as good! Everything feels different,,,i don't feel sexy! I feel like a big,soft mommy!lol I had two births back to back and both were vaginal . My first son ripped me with a 2nd degree tear and i had to get stitches. . So down there is not my own anymore...it doesn't even look like me...funny to say! But, anyway i am thinking about going to the Doctor,i think the GYN is the one to go too, My son is 10 months now,,,so i think that is long enough to wait!

Eva - posted on 03/29/2010

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GONE GONE GONE you are not alone mine came back for a while but it has gone now my bub is 9mnths and i'm hoping it will come back my hubby is great but it still puts a strain on you I feel guilty and do it for his sake but not very often although when we do I do enjoy it it is just finding the energy. Everything moves down there so so the feeling is different but I've found it better. Just remember you are not alone

Melisa - posted on 03/29/2010

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I lost it for a while mainly because I wasn't feeling attractive while I was breastfeeding. Then I got it back when I stopped breast feeding but it doesn't feel the same so I hardly do it

Jaqlyn - posted on 03/29/2010

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I know how you feel. i use to have sex alot of my husband and now i dont want it at all... i mean sometimes i act like i do to make him happy but i maybe want it once or twice a week.

Hannah - posted on 03/29/2010

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oh that gud to hear im not alone i was starting to think maybe im not in love with my partner anymore because i dont want to do anythink as silly as it sounds. its hard i do love him and i want to feel closer to him but im just not in the mood even sometimes when it comes to cuddling.

Mindy - posted on 03/29/2010

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i felt that way when i was pregnet but now i do not have that i want it all the time

Karen - posted on 03/29/2010

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mine's gone out the window as well - my son is 6 months old and i have no desire what so ever...thankfully my husband understands and hopefully it will come back soon

Jessica - posted on 03/29/2010

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I've never had a very big libido but I had ABSOLUTELY none whatsoever until my cycles returned at about 7-8 months post partum. I knew when I finally ovulated again because I was suddenly horny, it was great haha! But it kind of makes sense for you to not want it asmuch, I mean raising children is a tough, stressful job and you so often have so many other things going on that the last thing you want to think about at the end of the day is sex, lol.

Tabatha - posted on 03/29/2010

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yes i belive so.. i never want to anymore. he hates it but.. idk what wronge with me maybe the birth control ? bcuz after i had he i wanted to so bad.. and not anymore 4 months and i never have it

Emily - posted on 03/29/2010

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i think it is normal. I had the same issue. I kinda had to force my mind to get back in to it and I am ok now. But when you are tired, breastfeeding, feeling fat, and just getting thru the crazy days of being a mom who has time or energy? You will get back eventually, cuddling is always nice or being intimate without the sex.

Jamie - posted on 03/29/2010

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YES I have done a ton of research on this and your hormones change just like your body. Then if you get on birth control this can too!

Kelsey - posted on 03/29/2010

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i have a 2 month old, my sex drive is now what it used to be. im hoping though that sometime soon it will come back, maybe when all my hormones are settled, im breastfeeding also. think that might have something to do with it.

Traci - posted on 03/28/2010

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You are not alone. We have a 4yr old and a 1 yr old and no sex life. I have the same problem... no drive at all. My husband is okay with it, but I feel bad about it. I think maybe I need counseling or something.

Anyway, the important part is that you still keep the intimacy in your relationship even if you are not having sex (hold hands, cuddle up together, kiss, etc.). Don't lose your connection, because it is extremely hard to get back.

Anna - posted on 03/26/2010

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I lost it for a bit after my son was born - it took about a year to really get back to something like normal. I think it's a mix of hormones, especially if you're breastfeeding, and tiredness. Plus you spend all your time caring for these 2 needy little beings - you don't always have a lot left to give by the end of the day. Also, I think if you have found your birth experiences at all traumatic, that can have something to do with it.

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