Is it ok not to feel that feeling?

Yendalee - posted on 08/14/2010 ( 50 moms have responded )

24

0

0

Is it weird not to feel that ultimate love for your child? I mean I love her but everyone talks about that feeling if ultimate love but I don't feel it. I'm scared that it will take forever to get there.

Please tell me this is normal!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Paula - posted on 12/11/2012

9

0

0

I can tell you that my daughter is almost 2 and that 'love rush' feeling has only come once or twice. I had terrible PPD and hated being a SAHM... But I love her dearly and wouldn't trade her for anyone. But all of these ' I plucked the stars down from the sky and it was you...' Stuff that people post, just make me feel bad because I'm not sentimental and I've never had some kind of crippling love for her. I love her how I love her and I think that's enough :)

Sarah - posted on 08/29/2010

145

23

1

At first its normal to feel kind of like, ok is this real??? And worried about not doing good enough as a mom... From the first moment I would have died for her, but at the same time I remember I was like, WHAT, thats it? They are just going to LET me take this baby home, no questions asked? Lol, it was a funny and scary and exciting feeling! But once it sinks in that its real, I'm sure that ultimate love will come flowing in...

Ami - posted on 08/26/2010

70

20

10

I think it's normal. I don't know how old your child is, but my daughter is 15 y/o. Of course I love her, but for me the feeling is more of making sure she's safe, loved, and has the ability to be independent when she can. It definitely isn't a feeling, for me at least, that just popped into my emotional box right when I gave birth. It's a bonding experience for both of you, and can take time to develop! If you're taking care of her and loving her, then the feeling is already there. It's just a little hard to recognize at first for some. :)

Ester - posted on 08/15/2010

11

12

3

not to worry, indeed. looking back, it took me about 6 months to truly get it. Now, I'd give anything up to make her feel better. It'll come, what helped me was that she eventually became more interactive and showed me how much she loved and needed me.

Paula - posted on 07/31/2012

9

0

0

my kid is 1 1/2 and my bonding is STILL slow... our relationship is the way WE know how. Not every feeling has to be similar to everyone elses' bonding and love can be different things to different people

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

50 Comments

View replies by

Paula - posted on 01/12/2014

9

0

0

Update- my daughter is 3 1/2 and I have a 9 month old son now. While life has gotten MUCH harder, I do love my kids much more dearly now. Being a mom has FINALLY sunk in. Life is this way now. Now, there are many days where I still feel crazy and sometimes downright awful but it's all getting a little better each day

Bethany - posted on 08/30/2010

14

33

1

I was worried I was not going to love my child because I really did not want any kids. I thought I would hate having a baby because I thought I was selfish and I did not want my alone time to be taken from me. It felt odd at first when I had him and had this baby in my arms and it was actually my baby. But as the weeks went on I grew so in love with him and now I actually love him more than my husband and I get this panicked feeling if I think of life without him. So don't worry, as time goes on I'm sure you will grow to love your baby more and more. I think it is normal to feel the way you feel for some moms. I'm just glad I love my son like I do. I want him to grow up knowing how much he is loved and I hope he will behave himself because he is loved so much instead of being rebellious.

Helen - posted on 08/29/2010

42

6

0

I know exactly what you mean about feeling like she's not real. I expressed concerns like this at the hospital to the midwives, who were very understanding and said not everyone feels this amazing loving feeling, like is 'the ideal'. It probably took me a few days (whilst in hosp) to get to the stage of not being able to stop looking at her all loving, but, once I got home I started to feel weird again. Check with your health visitor about post natal depression. I know it sounds dramatic - they decided I had a little PND and several weeks later, this cloud lifted and I felt human again and able to cope with my baby. don't forget, a new baby is a really big, life changing deal - it takes time to get used to. I really hope this helps. Good luck.

Amanda - posted on 08/28/2010

10

3

0

I think it is very normal. I know when my daughter was born I most defintly was overwhelm with love like everyone say happens. But over some time I did get overwhelmed by it and now thats shes older its even more so.

You may also want to talk to your doc about it cuz it is a possibleity of being postpartum. Just a thought thou.

Good luck on your loving :)

Lizzie - posted on 08/28/2010

7

37

0

this is normal to a certain degree all mothers experience baby blues after, birth but in a few weeks they get past it , if you feel like you are sad, not up to speed and always in the dumps you may be experiencing post partum depression which needs to be taken seriously, you should keep in contact with your doctor and let them know that you are feeling disconnected from your infant. I know lots of mothers say they don't feel ill will towards their babies , but depression it self is not good for you the mother you have to be strong emotionally to be there for your baby this is something you should think about, Talk to a professional for more advice.

Iona - posted on 08/27/2010

10

1

0

maybe you do and you just dont realise it, would you die for her? do anything to stop her hurting? of course you would. you too busy worrying about it that your probably not feeling

Ava - posted on 08/26/2010

307

31

12

It's totally normal. I didn't feel that connection with my daughter and still struggle to. But as she becomes more independent and develops a personality, a sense of humor, an opinion, and stays up with me cuddling and watching TV and eating snacks at 14 months old? I don't know, it's getting there. I've realized my love for her is the most important because I've sort of created somebody who will always love me more deeply than a husband ever could and so her and my connection deepens every day.

Nicole - posted on 08/26/2010

9

3

0

I read that you pretty much don't feel that ultimate love feeling for a while after your child is born. The book also said, that you didn't automatically have that feeling for your husband/boyfriend either when you first met, but over time it grows and grows. Like you, I felt the same way, but over these last eight months the love just grows and grows. Hang in there.

Deb - posted on 08/25/2010

27

25

1

I had a hard labor and delivery ultimately by c-section. Between extra complications, c-section recovery, and a not-so-easy baby (compared with other babies I've seen who were definitely easier), I did not feel that ultimate love for I would say 3 months. People said "oh but you just love your baby, even before she comes out!" and I would smile and nod but no, I was just playing along. Once it hit, it hit. But life was so hard and painful those first few months, I was in survival mode. I mean, she was cute and cool but really a handful and I was in *pain*! So no, I didn't feel that feeling till much later, and I think whatever your situation, you don't need to worry about it now. In fact, I just suddenly felt something the last few weeks where maybe the honeymoon is over--she's really her own person and is starting the terrible twos, and as much as I love her unconditionally, I maybe also can get tired of her now in ways I didn't before. So, it comes and goes, comes and goes.

Tricia - posted on 08/25/2010

66

14

1

yes, its normal! i have twin daughters, born in oct. i'd say i didn't feel "that" love for a few months. i loved them righht awayy, but that "overwhelming" feeling of love was, i'd guess, a couple of months later. now they are my world!

Molissa - posted on 08/25/2010

116

13

2

Yes. It is. You're concern over it shows how much you really do care. While you may not fall head over heels in love at first, you will over time. The same thing happened to me when my son was born. My MIL told me not to worry about it, and she was right. Two weeks later, I had pretty much bonded with him and knew I would die for him. When they start interacting, then you'll feel something. If not, please get checked out for ppd. I had it, but was not diagnosed for a year. By that time, I was getting better. Luckily, my husband is very understanding and is a great listener. Good luck and let us know if you have any more questions. We're here with you.

Sasha - posted on 08/25/2010

27

1

2

Totally normal. Just because you've grown your baby for 9 months doesn't mean you know them. When my son was placed on my chest at birth I thought: ok, that's great...now what do I do with that? At first they cry a lot, sleep a lot and although they do have their own micro expressions and personalities it wasn't until my boy was a little older that the love I felt for him got to that stronger love. And it intensifies daily. He's now 8 months and it's ridiculous how much I love him. I'd do absolutely anything for him to keep him safe and well. I love being his mum. It'll come, worry not :)

Andrea - posted on 08/25/2010

11

0

0

I think it is normal. For the first few weeks babies are very demanding and mothers are woking very hard to meet all thier needs. But at that age babies don't give any validation back. They are still to young to react with smiles and laughs. In many ways they are kind of nonresponsive. Once your baby starts to interact more you will see that your feelings of love grow stronger each day.

Jessica - posted on 08/24/2010

18

20

0

A lot of women go through what is called post pardum after being pregnant and it is completely normal. Some women need to get away for a day so maybe you could find someone to watch your little one for the day and when you return home you missed the little one so much that all you want to do is hold them. Others need to just get in some alone time. Instead of putting them down on the floor to let them explore just hold them look into your little one's eyes and just think about what a miracle you have in your arms. Think about how much this little baby needs you to survive and to have a life. That should get that deep down heart love pumping. I like to think about how much God loves us and even though our love cant compare to his I like to think that if I could just love my little one a tenth of the way God loves me than this baby isn't going to have an ounce of time without love in its life.

Cassandra - posted on 08/24/2010

26

28

1

for me too. Every one was buggin me and that made it worse. They wouldnt just give me time to bond with my baby.

Carol - posted on 08/24/2010

325

14

15

yes, with my son i dont feel that i love his as much as my daughter. Considering during pregnancy i was in a situation at work where they hope i would miscarry which caused me to be depressed and after he was born i was depressed i blame it on that. i love him but i do more things with my daughter, maybe because shes a girl?

[deleted account]

Ye at 3 weeks old i think it is normal to not feel like that. I'm sure some women do, but I know I definitely didn't. It wasn't until my son was probably close to 5 months old that I felt I really really loved him because of him, and not just because he was my baby and I was supposed to. I didn't even particularly like being a mom until he was about 9-10 months old. For some it just takes longer and as long as you don't want to hurt your baby, just wait and it will come. You didn't love anyone else the moment you met them so why should it be any different with your baby

Alexandra - posted on 08/24/2010

59

23

0

This is totally normal. Especially after only 3 weeks. Your body and brain are still trying to recover from this huge change. It's so good that you are talking about it so other women know that they are not alone. It is one of the biggest myths of motherhood that everyone feels that instant bond. Many women don't feel it until later but feel guilty or like bad mothers because they think it's an abnormal feeling.
The bonding will absolutley come naturally so don't worry and give it time. As long as you are not feeling depressed for a more than 2 weeks you have nothing to worry about. If you are, though, please talk to a doctor to make sure you don't have any post-partum depression, as that can stop you from bonding.

Deanna - posted on 08/22/2010

4

4

0

i'm sure its normal... i was just 21 when i had my lil boy... at first i couldnt even bring myself to look at him.. i loved him soo much but all i could think was what the hell did i just do with my life.. i'm a mom at the age off 21... i felt like the lowest person in the world.... now i cant wait to get up every morning.. just because i know im gonna see my babyboy smile at me.... i'm 23 now and my lil boy is 13 months old.. i'm happy my life turned out this way... i LOVE LOVE being a mommy.. :) i love my lil boy more than life itself.. :)

Emily - posted on 08/20/2010

10

20

0

Completely normal. You honestly may not truly "like" your child until he/she is 7 months old. I know you love her, but until about this age your child is still in "live" mode and everything is new and very stimulating to her. Hang in there, things will start to click and before you know it she will be clinging, kissing and crawling after you. Try to stay positive and remember that you may have only one awesome day amongst 5 not so great days...but you love your child and in a few months won't remember this. :) xoxoxo

Natalie - posted on 08/20/2010

18

37

0

i was a single mom with my first too and it was harder to feel that ultimate love but it happened eventually... with my second i had my honey with me and it was like instant so ... it makes a difference

Natalie - posted on 08/20/2010

18

37

0

when i was pregnant with my first... i loved him but i wasn't maddeningly in love with him... then i had him and i loved him but it wasn't insane love then a few weeks later i was like OMG i friggin love this kid! and with my second it has been love love love since minute one... idk it just depends but its normal... also ppd can set in at anytime... which effects how you feel about everything... so if you are worried talk to someone... otherwise i think you are fine

Annie - posted on 08/19/2010

208

58

3

I had a friend that didn't get that feeling right away. She said that she felt like a horrible mom and was also very worried. With is a few weeks everything was fine. She is one of the most loving and amazing moms that I know!

Mindy - posted on 08/19/2010

12

13

0

Try not to compare your story to the story of others, or movies or jeepers even comercials :) Everyones experience with love is different. Totally normal!! Where is your husband or sig other? Are you a single mommy? With my firstborn, I was alone and had a hard time feeling in love. But it definatly came on its own. My daughters birth I felt that I really loved her, but the instinct was different with her becouse she was knocked out in an incubator in the NICU, so I had that deep feeling that she needed me so badly. Just remember that if your waiting for the clouds to part and the harps to play while you stare at your baby in love, it wont happen. Maybe what you are feeling now is the love that you feel, its just not what you expected. Accept it and I think you will just grow together :) Good Luck!

Michelle - posted on 08/19/2010

79

23

0

It took me many weeks to bond with my child. One day I looked at him and realised he was the same person I used to talk to and sing to and rub via my bump and it was easier after that.

Before that I was going through the motions, knowing he didn't know that I didn't feel the love. He only cared what I did. So I pretended I felt it. We played and touched and cuddled, as if I loved him. Now, I love him. But I don't understand that view of "my child is my life and I'd gladly die for him". He's not my life. He's not the love of my life. He is a wonderful part of my life.

Brittany - posted on 08/18/2010

4

10

1

i understand this post completely. It's like i love her because she is mine, but there isn't a bond like i thought it would be. and she is almost two now..i find myself babying and spoiling her just to make it up to her....

Sarah - posted on 08/18/2010

1

4

0

Took me about 6-7 weeks and one day it was like Poof... I felt it!! Just takes time for some people :-)

Angie - posted on 08/18/2010

12

7

0

I didn't really feel that way at the beginning either. Now that she is getting older, she is almost 6 months, the feeling is entirely different. Maybe because I am getting reactions back from her, but hang in there. It should change soon!

Victoria - posted on 08/18/2010

58

75

1

It is totally normal and you just need to relax and things will fall into place eventually. When you see them smile or do something similar you will probably get that feeling.

[deleted account]

I thought the first 3 weeks were really hard. I wasn't prepared for how much the baby would need me and how tired I would be. After the first month I started getting out more and got more used to being a mom, and started feeling better. Eating and resting is key! If you're breastfeeding, not eating enough can make you depressed.

I was at home with my son for his first 6 months, and although I loved him I wasn't very happy. I didn't like being all alone with the baby all day and not have any adult company or stimulation. Sometimes I even resented him for keeping me awake at night or keeping me from doing other things.

When my husband went on vacation I was blown away by the new love and happiness I felt! Seems like all I needed was some company and help with the baby :) Hope you feel better soon!

Tracy - posted on 08/16/2010

3

7

0

Perfectly normal. I am currently going through the same thing. We finally got our little man home last week from NICU & i have been struggling to cope with the lack and getting up every few hours. I look at him and know that i love him, but i don't have that overwhelming love feeling yet. I know it will come. Just hard when it's my first and he still cries after i have done all the other things.

Janine - posted on 08/16/2010

82

18

3

You are in an adjusting period, a frustrating, complicated, 24 hr, wonderful, fearful and magical period of your life. You will find your ultimate love when you least expect it... It might be when she reaches one of her first milestones and you just light up inside with happiness, it might be when you have to protect her from some nasty force (be it what ever), it might be when you have to save her from choking on her first biscuit (if this happens) and you realize that you could not live without the little girl you created and adore. Dont stress babe, just enjoy and come what may.... babies are quite demanding and boring at this stage - it will happen, progressively and naturally...

Kayla - posted on 08/16/2010

202

11

14

I love my babe soooo much.
He's about to be 4 months.
I STILL feel like i'm waiting for his mother to come pick him up and pay me!! LOL

Kim - posted on 08/15/2010

8

3

1

Don't worry it will come. You lover her and that will only grow with time. Not all moms feel that instant connection. I suggest you find someone to talk to that went through the same thing.

Donna - posted on 08/15/2010

12

41

1

Hiya Yendalee yes it is normal to feel what your feeling. Your body and your life has just gone though a huge change and sometimes some women just need more time to deal with this than others. That doesnt mean that there is anything wrong with you its just how you deal with it. It wont take forever to feel the love for your child that everyone talks about trust me it will just hit you all of a sudden and it is the best feeling. I would say if it carrys on and you are worried about anything just speak to your doctor or health visitor if your worried xxx

Lauren - posted on 08/15/2010

59

6

3

yeah, i love my son alot but i dont have that feeling and my son is 5 months, and i was starting to wonder if i was normal, i think its because of my post natal depression, it kinda holds me back from feeling that love..

[deleted account]

It's completely normal. I went through the exact same thing. I loved my son but I didn't feel that all encompassing love that you're supposed to feel with your child. It only happened when he was around 7 weeks old that it just hit me. I went into his room one morning and he gave me a gummy smile and "boom" it hit me like a ton of bricks how much I loved him and I would die to protect him.

Luckily, I had a friend who shared her same experience with me prior to my giving birth so that gave me some solace knowing that it is normal. You will get there soon enough but right now your working through a sleepy, and somewhat robotic fog right now. Once that fog lifts, usually around the 6 week mark, you'll feel a little more like yourself and the ultimate bonding with your daughter will begin. You're doing great and just know that you're not alone out there.

Joseline - posted on 08/15/2010

20

1

3

It's gonna take time, and this is perfectly normal! In the hospital and even more so the first few days home were awkward! I looked at the baby and didn't hate it but I couldn't grasp the fact that was MY daughter. It felt like I was just holding a child. Don't feel guilty, you are a great mother and the feeling will be there before you know it :)

Sarah - posted on 08/15/2010

11

4

0

It took me awhile to feel like that towards my daughter but now ive got that feeling . Its normal dont worry ok

Brandy - posted on 08/14/2010

1,353

0

157

It's all about bonding. The more time you spend with her, the more love you will feel for her. It is probably all still sinking in to you. A great bonding exercise is to take off your baby's clothes (except her diaper) and take off your shirt and lay her on your chest and wrap a light blanket around the both of you. The skin to skin contact really helps bond you together. It also helps with the let-down of your milk if you are nursing. Nursing is also a great bonding exercise. Practice it as often as possible.

[deleted account]

If you love her then it will come at some point. If you are worried about it there are TONS of people who feel the same way you do and there is probably a support group you can get in touch with about it through your hospital. It might be nice just to chat with some people who are feeling the same feelings as you:)

Yendalee - posted on 08/14/2010

24

0

0

Thanks Kim. I actually have no feeling of harming her. She's 3 weeks old. It just seems like she's not real to me. I always thought I'd never have a child and then I'm pregnant and through out the entire pregnancy I kept thinking ok when am I going to wake?

Kim - posted on 08/14/2010

17

23

4

it is normal as long as you aren't having thoughts of harming her. how old is your little one? it will happen before you know it or should. i have always loved my daughter but i took a little while to get the ultimate love feeling.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms