Is my partner doing what a daddy should be?

Anna - posted on 02/03/2010 ( 18 moms have responded )

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Hi there. My names Anna im 18 and i have a beautiful son who is about 6 1/2 months and i just need some feedback on my situation. My partner (24) and i live on a dairy farm and since my son was born ive noticed that my partner wasnt taking to much notice of Kaleb. Like i mean he would come home from work n sit down grab a drink muck around you know n he would only hold him if i actualy gave Kaleb to his dad. Over time he has been alot better but i still find myself asking him to hold him or bath him, feed him etc. But the main problem is the work. I feel so bad that he has to work all day n all i do is sit at home, i do cook tea and house work bt i still feel useless. And then he has to come home and do stuff with Kaleb and i feel bad coz he should b relaxing. But at the same time since Kaleb was born i havnt had hardly enough help from Matt as iv needed. I thing he has cooked tea no more then 5 times in the nearly 7 months Kalebs been born and just imagine how i felt having a lil baby screaming hea i am tryna cook tea and hea my partner wouldnt even imagine what it was like.He just hasnt help me as much as i would have thought. i am a very mature 18 year old nealy mature then my 24 year old partner and i say for his age he should b doing alot more to help me. I dont need his help much now but its poor Kaleb thats missing out. Iv seen Kaleb staring at his daddy and Matt hasnt even lookd dwn to notice and wouldnt have the slightest clue and that breaks my heart.Kaleb is the one losing out on this my poor wee boy :(. And he doesnt even get how i feel for him having to work when i just lax at home all day. Its a big mess and i dnt think iv told all the story but at least this is a start. I appriciate the help..

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Mastoora - posted on 08/19/2010

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My husband was the same way. All guys start out the same way. My husband thought our daughter was "boring" in the beginning, he just didn't know what to do with her. It took me a long time to realize where he was coming from and now that I know I don't care as much because I know he still loves her. That's how most daddies are. You just need to relax and take it easy. If you still need to clear your head, sit him down and tell him how you feel. Good luck! =)

Kesha - posted on 02/26/2010

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Andrea, I am glad that your partner is so wonderful, but telling Anna that doesn't help her situation. She has talked with him, as she repeatedly states. If you don't have an encouraging word or useful advice for her, please keep your bragging to yourself. Thanks.

Andrea - posted on 02/26/2010

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I guess im pretty lucky, my husband is great with our daughter who is 4 months old now....as soon as he gets home from work he goes and picks her up to play while i get supper ready. He is really hands on, loves to give her bath..ect. My husband will even help me clean the house without me asking him too.
I would talk to your partner about your concerns!!

Kesha - posted on 02/09/2010

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I think it would be a great idea to sit down with Matt and tell him that you understand that he works all day, but Kaleb needs to bond with his father. Remember that, just because you are home all day, you are still working. You are definately not useless! Your baby boy would have no one to take care of him all day if he didn't have you. Kaleb knows love because he has you to show him that. You are a vital part of his life! Never think you are useless. Matt thinks he is doing his part providing for you guys, because men feel that is their most important job. They feel useless if they can't provide. You are a mother. you know the importance of spending time with your son. Matt has to learn this. Don't nag him, but do let him know that it concerns you that Kaleb isn't spending more time with his dad. Be patient and don't let it stress you out so much.

Anna - posted on 02/08/2010

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hey if u all read i have talked to him about it but he has his own theory. i did leave at 1 stage, we had a lil fight n he sed i just sit on my ass all day and watch tv, which i did watch tv coz there wasnt much else to do but i do look after Kaleb all day and all nyt and the tv is just there. but ye so i left for a nyt, he dint think i would leave coz he was at work wen i left, and the next day he was saying i should come home lol. but things change for just a min and then its back to the same it was before

Vixi - posted on 02/08/2010

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My partner was the same with our daughter when she was born, he seemed 2 spend all his time on the X Box and whilst I was being a mumy, and keeping the house clean anc tea cooked every night. Difference being my partner doesnt work as he is my carer.

It got to a point where I would go 4 a bath for 10 mins peace and as soon as I got out he would bring her in the bedroom and leave her with me whilst I was trying to get dressed.

I got so fed up of it I packed my bags and moved back home with my mum. Boy did things change! afterwards he seemed 2 get his bum into gear and started to do more for not only me, but Emily (our daughter) too.

Im not saying move out, but maybe it is worth sitting your partner down and telling him how you feel. Whilst you understand hes been working all day, you have had your hands full with baby and want a break for an hour every night whilst son and daddy get some bonding time! Hope this helps x

Alexis - posted on 02/07/2010

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My advice is to TALK to your partner. ITs important to have communication in your relationship.I talk about everything with my hubby, i dont care what it is, were really open with each other and it helps when you talk it out with each other so you both get some understanding.

Anna - posted on 02/07/2010

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Thank you every1 for your help, i am learning just like he is n i felt alot like i was doing most of it alone. n thats not a very nice feeling.He does try but its just not enuf.

Melissa - posted on 02/07/2010

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My son Aidan is just over 4 months old. My fiance works most days and has college as well every day of the week and some weekends. I stay at home and clean, do laundry, make food, take care of my son, and whatever else I have to do. Before I had my son I was working 48 hours a week and no matter how much I worked then (on my feet all day as a waitress, cook etc...because I was good enough at my job to do everything there) BUT no matter how hard I worked then, I find NOTHING compares to what being a stay at home Mum makes you feel like by the end of the day. My fiance is the same. Most times I have to ask him to help me feed him or even hold him. He has finally started to listen to me and say hello and goodbye to him when he is coming home or heading out, but it took forever to start and remember. He also never really notices how much I do during the day either. I know he loves me more than anything, and he is gold to me, a wonderful fiance. The only problem is that he is a typical man to a point. Other than the not helping much after a long day and what not he is perfect. You just have to do what I did and make sure you keep a stern outlook and keep on telling him until he remembers on his own. (almost like training a dog, aha) this is my opinion anyway.

Melissa - posted on 02/07/2010

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My husband is great with our daughter and is really interested in being with her as well as helping me around the house. I am a full time college student and don't know what I would do without his help. I have noticed that with some of the men in my family, they have trouble relating to very young children. We tried for many years to have our daughter so my husband has been in love with her since she was a peanut on an ultrasound. When a child gets old enough to pal around and do fun things with then men usually show more interest. My Dad never helped my Mom around the house except to mow the yard. He only grilled a couple of times a year. I think men were just that way back then. More and more men are becoming more involved with their children. You are right to tell him what you need and your concerns for your son. All fathers are different though. As long as he is good to you and your son then you may have to give him time to bond more as your son gets older.

Jess - posted on 02/07/2010

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My partner works full time and has to take the weekend shift once a month, and he is sitll soo hands on with our daughter. He rushes home to see her and the first thing he wants to know when he gets home is where is she and can they play !!! Its great, he feeds her, changes her, baths her. On weekends he will get up at 4am to feed her to let me sleep in. Yes our partners and husbands work hard but so do we and playing with our children is relaxing ! Its a great stress relief and puts into perspective what is important in our lives.

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My husband works from 6:30am until 4:30pm Mon-Fri and is really helpful. He helps out with everything - cooking, washing etc. plus he helps out with feeding, changing (not very often as he's got a slipped disc=[). I'm really appreciative for everything he does!

The best advice I could give is talk to your partner. If he doesn't know how you feel he'll only continue the way he has been. As others have said try to be positive about the things he does do and at the end of the day he's the one missing out on your gorgeous baby! Whilst your partner needs to relax from being at work you need to relax too!!! Have you been getting out much with friends?

Sarah - posted on 02/06/2010

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I can agree with you there, it is really irritating when they get sympathy from ppl for staying up with the baby or something, when you know darn well they have never ever done that! the most is maybe being woken up a few times by the whimpers or cries, but they get to turn around and go right back to sleep! that really does suck. we are definately unapreciated, it wouldnt hurt them just to say oh, hunny you are doing a great job taking care of our baby! that would be a nice start. It does make u feel really tired, sick and tired of it at times! my concern isnt really having to do most of it, just give me the credit i work for! lol

Anna - posted on 02/06/2010

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Ye thats true a, as much as i love my son, we have to give up our bodies, give up on foods and alot ov other stuff and drink.Then when they r born we breastfeed so then we cant drink n eat certain things and sleepless nyts. i never mind ne ov that but wat do they give up? NOTHING lol. u feel real unappriciated a

Brianna - posted on 02/06/2010

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my husband to be is the same way sometimes it gets really fustrating. like if i ask him to hold or feed the baby so i can eat or clean he doesnt want to. He only wants her if shes happy and doing something cute but the second shes grumpy im on my own. He just says it your job to take care of her i bring home the money. Its just not fair he gets a break from his work mine is 24/7!!! im a young mom aswell and i love my daughter more than anything but sometimes i dont think its to much to ask for a break.

Anna - posted on 02/06/2010

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Thank u for the help.I have talked to him about it we actually had a huge fight over it the other night. That was the main reason i wrote this. Dont get me wrong i love my partner and i do encourage and tell him how great he is i even got him worlds greatest dad cup but i dint get much ov a reaction there. and im not bagging him out considering he has never delt with babies befor i was quite proud. But the thing that bugs me is when ever i have to ask him to do something or get me a bib or something he always says where is it! And its the most fustrating thing ever since its been nearly 7 months and he knows exactly where everything is, but its not like he ever packs Kalebs bag if we go anywhere or puts his washing away in his room. But back to the fight.... When i told him how i felt about him not spending enough time with Kaleb (which ive told him many a times) he just said your thinking about now not in a few years when Kaleb will wanna go out with daddy onto the farm and in the tracter etc, but that isnt good enough, Matt needs to give KAleb alot of attention aswell but he doesnt think that it matters as much and that really pises me of. I also over heard him telling his friend that night how HE doesnt have much of a life, he does nothing for Kaleb compared to me but im not going around saying i dont have a life now, id rathher have a baby then being able to go out every night or what ever. i know that men dont have the conection to our babies as we do since we grew them and breastfeed but i just needed him to make more of an effort, and i will leave Kaleb with him for a day and see how he feels, but in some ways i think its to little to late.....

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That just breaks my heart, a child even at that age needs both parents ssoooo much! When my little boy see's daddy walking thru the door he gets so excited and my fince' plays on the floor with him or he needs t relax a little more gets our son either in his swing (next to daddy's chair) or in his lap and they watch cartoons for a while lol. We look at it as equal responsibilities, we're both parents and it's not always a picnic taking care of a baby (mine btw is 7months). Sometimes I'd LOVE to trade him places b/c being "cooped up" with baby and no mommy time and no social life (or a very small one) can really take a toll on you and affect you in many ways. You should be able to talk to him about any and everything! You both have a son, I can't even imagine having my little one ignored by his daddy, if this doesn't change soon your little Kaleb will end up feeling like he never really had a dad and will turn out like he didn't (more then likely). Don't feel useless, you doa lot! You're totally right, he should be doing more to help you and yes Kaleb is the one that is and will end up suffering- much more then it hurts you too. If talking to him doesn't do any good then I'm not sure what to tell you, my fince' would say to find someone willing to step up to the plate and there really are lots of good decent guys that would love to have a family... I'm not telling that's what you should do, please don't take it the wrong way, but you both have to put that little boys needs and best interest at heart. So sit down, have a heart to heart with your man, let him know what you think, feel, see going on, let him know you know he has a hard job but his young son NEEDS his daddy... Then listen to what he has to say about it, just make sure you tell him in a loving way that things need to change for Kaleb, and that he needs to spend time with him.

Sarah - posted on 02/03/2010

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I find the thing that really helps is being very positive and encouraging. if you think of all the stuff he is NOT doing, then you miss out on the things he is. Everytime my husband is around, I say in a really exciting voice, "theres Da Da!!" and my husband will talk with him. and i will do the talking for him, "da da, can you change me?", and put his face up to him, lol. He is so much more involved the second time around, we had our daughter very young, 11 yrs ago. I think I felt then that he couldnt do it right, so I just did everything, but this time around, with our son, I am very comfortable with him taking over. still not doing certain things, like bathing and laying down to bed, but just emotionally/socially there more. sometimes i will say, Daddy loves you so much! what a lucky boy to have such a great da da! I think it gives them more confidence to hear what a great job they're doing. hope this helps a little. ...now wheres our encouragement, eh? lol.

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