Issues with grandparents. Am I overreacting?

Keli - posted on 09/28/2011

i think all daughters trust their own Mom more then their Spouces...personally my MIL is totally NUTS and their house smells of animal urine everywhere so i wont ever let my son stay there. my fiance agrees with me so i dont have any tension there,i think what you can try is having your boyfriends mother come stay at your place,she can babysit while you guys have a night out,and see where that takes you.

Shirley - posted on 09/25/2011

I am a grandparent; and you are not being silly. I would never leave my children with the grandparents for more than an hour. I spend time with my grandchildren, with their parents present. I went to the store once, and left my 2 1/2 year old with my 6 month old sons with my mother. I returned, and the baby was under her diningroom table crying. My baby crawled out from under the table and had a visible bite mark on his forearm. My mother explained that my 2 1/2 year old told her that my 6 month old had bit him, so she bit the baby! I asked my 2 1/2 year old to see where the baby had bit him; and there were no visible marks. I told my mother that this would be the last time that she'd be watching them; and, I should put her in jail! You just don't know what people will do; and you're right...never leave your babies with the grandparents overnight! AND, the aunt, who says she'll bring your baby over to their home, despite your fears, should not be allowed to have your baby again until at least 6 years old. Even then, it is scary. Let us never forget, we must protect our children.

Andrea - posted on 06/17/2011

YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING!!! You are being a great mom! Does your partner know about these concerns? I guess I would polietly tell his mom that you appreciate the offer, but would like for her to get to know your son's situation a little bit better before she has him for the night. And that you feel she lives a bit too far away for him to be gone for the night. Maybe once he gets older? If anything is mentioned about your mom getting him overnight already, tell her exactly what you told us. Your mom lives very close and knows your son almost as well as you do. If she is angry, oh well. You have to look out for his best interests, no matter whose feelings get hurt. Good luck!

Ashley - posted on 06/13/2011

Nope. Your kid, your rules. If you want you can write up a list of an acceptable routine for your son and if it is not followed by your in-laws then they dug their own hole on this one. No one should blatantly ignore your instructions for how to care for your child.

Jessica - posted on 06/13/2011

I am afraid to screw up my kid... why should I let someone else do it for me when I try so hard? If I leave the kids with their godmother, then they are fine, for an hour or two. otherwise they cry. first two years of life is where the BIG bonding happens (though I have seen this go to three or five). This is your time. When she is learning independence (potty training... ect) but only when you both are ready. If you don't trust someone, then you don't have to let then have your kid at all. Simple. It isn't bad. I find ppl want me to just to SAY they know I trust them. My oldest stayed with the neighbors while I was in the hospital having his brother and a couple of times while I was in their for complications. thats it. And until he is old enough to tell me what happens and if someone does something to him, then that will stay it. I don't trust anyone with my kids but me and their godmother, and she lives with us.

Amanda - posted on 06/13/2011

You are not being unreasonable at all! If I was in your position I would be the exact same way. My daughter was 10 months before I let my mom have her over night. She is 16 months now and has only been watched by 2 people (my mom and grandmother) because they're the only people I feel comfortable leaving her with. If you don't feel comfortable leaving your son with someone don't, hes YOUR child and in the end it up to you. Don't worry about hurting peoples feelings.

Amanda - posted on 06/13/2011

You are not being unreasonable at all! If I was in your position I would be the exact same way. My daughter was 10 months before I let my mom have her over night. She is 16 months now and has only been watched by 2 people (my mom and grandmother) because they're the only people I feel comfortable leaving her with. If you don't feel comfortable leaving your son with someone don't, hes YOUR child and in the end it up to you. Don't worry about hurting peoples feelings.

Melinda - posted on 04/10/2011

you know what i always say?
people might walk over me somtimes in life
but when it coems to my babies, what i say goes and
i will not be pushed around.
your his mum and if your not comftable with it then
tough on them, they will just have to accept it!
they can spend time with him but dont have to have him over night, dont them push into something you may regret.
especlly if they arent goign to respect yor wishes on how to look after him (ex: not takign him over to strangers houses)
good luck hun

Shauna - posted on 04/08/2011

You're the mom. If you don't feel comfortable, there's a good reason for it!

Liz - posted on 04/03/2011

Am I crazy for not understanding the custom of letting relatives "have the baby for an overnight"? Maybe it's because I breastfeed, but when my mother wanted to help me take care of the baby, she came and stayed with us -- she didn't ask me to bring the baby to her and then leave him there!

I mean, I can understand when your child is older, it's fun for them to visit relatives overnight without their parents. But a 4-month-old baby? Without his mother? WHY? Why doesn't she ask all of you (baby, you, partner) to stay? Why just the baby?

Kendra - posted on 04/02/2011

WOW....... I have the same problem right now!! My only son is almost 3 months and my bf's mom wants him to stay with her every other Wednesday. She has one son (my bf) and two daughters. Her daughters children (1yr boy, 3yr boy, and 6yr old girl) all stay on the Wed. It's called "grandma Wednesdays" for god sakes. I have let him stay once and hated being away. I think it's way too young first of all and she has 3 other grandchildren to watch. Another thing I can't stand is she smokes in the house normally but when grandchildren are over she doesn't. My son came home reaking of smoke. There is a such a thing as 3rd hand smoke. UHGG I don't know what to do either. I love my bf very much and I just tell him I'm not comfortable with it yet. Thank god he says he understands and it's fine! I think it's wrong for your man to call you selfish!!! He's not in your shoes and he's your son too. Plus I think mommy is the person who has the most say when baby is so young. Baby needs mom the most in my opinion.

Kimberly - posted on 03/27/2011

You are NOT being silly. Trust your instincts and don't worry about whta others have to think. Just tell them you are not comfortable and be done. YOU ARE THE MOM!! I wish you the best.

Alysha - posted on 03/26/2011

You have to be strong!you are the mum.dont ever do anythng your not comfy with.why dont you stay with her the night a few times and work on your relationship with her and let her see the baby while you are there

Kristin - posted on 03/25/2011

Have them come stay with you over night a few time and have them be responsible for him while you go out to dinner with your partner, see a movie, or even get a hotel room for the night (future visits, not right away). Caring for a child with a medical condition is a big responsibility and they need to demonstrate to both you and your partner they are up to it. You BOTH need to be confident in their ability. However, you do need to let them learn his cries and needs and how to address them. Teach them and give them a chance when they come visit you. In time, as their ability grows and he gets older, then talk about visits away from your home.

It's one thing to have some one care for your child who is in the same town you are in. It's something altogether different if you can't get to them for over an hour. Your partner's sister should NOT be taking him anywhere without your permission. NO ONE should be taking him anywhere without your permission.

It's always easier to trust our own parent. But, your partner's mom raised them and they did a good job there. Give her a chance when you can be a 5 to 10 minute drive from them too.

Good luck.

Chia Yen - posted on 03/24/2011

We moms are always the bad guys when it involves our spouses' side of the family. We never win. We WIN when we keep our children safe and healthy ! Both your insticts and concerns are right. I would feel an do the same.

Heather - posted on 03/24/2011

no not silly at all. you are being a careful mom. 1 1/2 hrs a way is to far, when your son is not healthy not to mention very young. i hope you can get to know them bette for when he gets older and you need a helping hand. when you have child who is not healthy you need support. my son is 3 and has alot of health problems. i mainly stick to my brother and his gf to watch him as he very comfortable aound them and they know how to care or him

Jillian - posted on 03/23/2011

Honestly, if you have to think hard about it, dont do it. If theyre unfamiliar to you, then it would be scary to your son as they would be strangers to him. NEVER feel guilty for protecting your son. If anything i would start off slow and say you spend a weekend there ALLof you. It takes time to learn about a baby. Dont let them pressure you. Youre the mommy, no one else. :)

Kami - posted on 03/23/2011

I don't think ur over reacting at all I'm the same way with my 10mth old she's been away from me 1 whole night in 10mths and i worried the whole night. My daughter has a hemangioma on the back of her head and i worry bout it bursting if she bumps her head it's normal to worry and think of ur child b4 anyone. My fiance's mom ould love have my daughter but she lives 8hrs away and i would never allow that to happen till she's way much older. just do what u think is in the best interrest of your baby

Aisha - posted on 03/23/2011

I have two boys one is 4 and a half years old and the other is 9 weeks old....i have never let them stay overnight anywhere without me ....I let them stay at my own place with my mom and maybe couple of hours with my mother in law only 4 yrs old one.....you are not bieng selfish or silly or overreacting...you are just bieng a Mother....unfortunately its every persons natural instinct to trust ur own mom more than any one..so ur hubby is doing the same but as a mother u cannot and should not ignore ur gut feelings.....A mother's heart knows whats right for her baby!

Krista - posted on 03/23/2011

ok! here the thing. do u love your partner annd trust him!? if you do then you need to respect him as well. and im sure if he didnt think leaving the baby with his mother wasnt safe then he would think ur selfish or unfair. i understand how u feel though. although i know my mother and my partners mother very well i was worried to leave my daughter with them for the first time also! its normal to feel worried when u dont have your child with you for the first time. that fact that she lives so far away probably would not work with me though. i feel like that is way to far away from u and ur child at a young age. why cant his mother come visit more often and see the baby and get to know you more!? also if the baby has problems than u should keep him with you untill the problems get better. i agree u dnt have the change the diaper every time he pees! only because it gets soaked into the daiper and its not touching him, but once hes peed two or three times then yes thats good but u dont wait till hes reallyy soggy like it seems like your saying she would do. anyways thats my opinion and i hope it helps! =]

Shannon - posted on 03/23/2011

I would absolutely NOT do it!!! I, personally, didn't let my babies sleep over anywhere - and they were perfectly healthy. A grandparent should not be asking for an infant to sleep over. There may be times when it's necessary for you to arrange this, but until you are comfortable with it (and initiate it), I wouldn't give it a second though.
The first time my (now) five year old daughter "slept over" at someone's house was the night her baby brother was born (she was 3 yrs.old). The second, and only time since was when she and baby brother was 17 months old, and we had a sitter come over for the night so my husband (who had been abroad for 5 weeks) could have a night out.

Your baby needs YOU!!!

Nicole - posted on 03/23/2011

Be happy they want to spend time with him. Try to visit a few more times and then let him stay the night but find a reason to stay down the street. A nice dinner and one on one time with Hubby or maybe an attraction in the area. My youngest son was born 2 months early, my mother-in-law never wanted to wash her hands and felt I was rude at family get together"s for asking others to do so as well. I explained that this was the rule to hold him no questions asked, if he got sick it was me, my husband and our son that paid the price. She was reluctant but did so. Neither of my sons have ever stayed the night solo at my in-laws house, mainly because of them. Your his mom do what you think is best for him.

Adelaide - posted on 03/23/2011

Go with your instincts! If she doesn't know your kid, then don't let him go. Every time I went against what I was feeling, I realized that I was right in the first place. My kids were a year old before they went anywhere. My youngest is 2 and I have yet to spend a night away from him. I'm not saying he shouldn't go to your mother's house. Those were just MY rules. Don't let them pressure you and explain to your husband why you feel the way you do. If he gets mad, he'll get over it. Let her come to your house and babysit while you go out so she can get to know him. I wouldn't allow people to take him around like he is a new puppy, either. It's a human baby, not show and tell! If you want to show him off, that's fine. Let her have her own baby to show off.

Maxine - posted on 03/22/2011

No, you are not being silly at all! You are his mother, you know best, let her nag...she's being selfish. Your little boy needs you their, tell his grandmother she is welcome to visit any time. I have a 6 month old with a heart condition, at this time of year with all the bugs and virus's going around its best to have vulnerable babies close to home, a little cold or bug that a healthy baby might be able to fight off relatively easily is not so easy for our little ones. My own family have been told not to come near my house if they have so much as a sniffle and they know that I just can't let him stay over in their house, there will be plenty of time for that when he is older and stronger.
I have a similar issue to you with my partners parents. They think i'm being a total b* for not letting him stay...tough...let them think what they want. They have been told they are welcome to come to my home and see him but they have chosen not to. Their loss. It's in these early days that you have got to start setting the bounderies with people in your family circle...start out on the right footing or you will run into problems later. Take care hun.

Zahira - posted on 03/22/2011

Im sorry you are in this dilemma, but remember you are his mother, not his grandmother, so God put you in charge of that baby and you know him better than anyone. I have that same problem with my boy, I dont like him to sleep anywhere else than my house, because I feel secure with him near me and I can check him at nights and everything...and more if you are explaining that he has some problems that NOBODY rather than you, neither your husband can understand because he is a part of you. so dont feel sorry to tell your mother in law that you prefer to have him near you until he overcomes what he has and maybe you can talk to your mom and tell her that you prefer if the baby doesn't spend the night with her either, so your couple does'nt fell bad.

another thing you could do is to tell you mother in law to spend the night in your house and ther you can see how she takes care of him.

Remember God was the one who gave you your baby,and he put you in charge to decide what is best for him.

greetings and hope to be of a little of help.
Zahira

Helen - posted on 03/22/2011

TBH my son is now 25 months and even now I wouldn't be happy leaving him somewhere else over night - not even with people he knows and likes and who I trust! (although being 34 weeks pregnant with #2 I may well have to do just that soon enough!) and he doesn't have the medical problems your son has.

If your partners family is so keen to look after him maybe you could suggest that they come over to you and spend more time getting to know him, and possibly baby sit him while you go out for a little while.
Family can be hard enough at the best of times, with out this kind of extra pressure.

Lenash - posted on 03/22/2011

awww, no, this cannot be. You are leaving your 4 month old baby out of your care which shouldnt be so. The baby shd stay with you so you will have your eye on it at any time. Let your partner know that when the baby grows she can stay with them ok. Most at times one is familiar with leaving babies with your own mum likewise me, i do leave my children with my mum and i feel comfortable.

Karen - posted on 03/22/2011

dont do it! your gut is telling you not to. trust yourself. you are his mom and you know best. if you arent ready then you arent ready.
your partner cant blame you for these feelings and he should be more understanding since your son has special needs.

Mindy - posted on 03/21/2011

Your not being silly ATALL! You are his mommy and what you say goes. Nothing that you ever choose to do in your childs life should you have to do as pressure especially if it will make you worries sick just to make someone else happy. Also he is too young just to go and stay with other people, he's just a baby and needs to be with you. Its funny these days people seem to always want to get our babies away from us and alone with them, like they cant be themselves around you and them together. Dont feel uncomfortable atall about saying how you feel and remember that right now is accually a good time to get used to having him with other people.....when they are infants they have less things that can happen other than someone dropping them or them crying too much.....later on you have to worry about much more, running into streets, choking on random things, falling, outlets. I suggest getting others used to him now while he is easy so they arent shellshocked later when its much harder to watch them. And as for the Aunty who wants to take em all over, let her know your fears and maybe you can go to lunch with her and a few friends and maybe you will get to know them and see what they are like. Be thankful they all are excited about him....and feel proud. Good Luck.

Debbie - posted on 03/21/2011

I so don't think your being silly. My Daughter is now 2 & 4months. I only recently let her stay at my mother n laws. When My daughter was newborn or 4 months old I wouldn't have let her stay the night any where with out me as she was breast feed and I didn't express. But I have never trusted my Mother n law she is a lovely person. But she doesn't fill me with confidence. Plus you baby has medical conditions and if she doesn't understand then definitly no. My mother n law complained and still does that she doesn't see my daughter enough. My partner and I used to have heated discussions about this. I think maybe until your Baby is older he shouldn't stay the night. I think your partners mum just needs to understand that she isn't your mum she's you n law and naturally you'd trust you own mum first.

Janice - posted on 03/21/2011

You are not being silly! Your son has special needs and it is perfectly reasonable to not want him over an hour away at ssucjh a young age. My daughter has no special needs and she has never slept overnight at either grandmothers house. Once my mom slept over our house, we were home by 1am. Another time she slept at my MIL house (apt. upstairs from ours) until we got home around midnight. You are right to say no.

Nicola - posted on 03/21/2011

My daughters 5 she still hasn't had a sleepover with my mil and probably won't for another several years. My son has but he was 6 before he did and he has no problems. Go with your gut i still don't like being away from my kids overnight.

Renee - posted on 03/21/2011

I think you have every right to feel the way you do. Especially if your child has certain medical issues and needs special attention to things. I have a suggestion for you. It if really is that important to your partner, maybe you could bring this up. You could have the his mom come and stay with you for a night/weekend and watch her/teach her how to take care of him the proper way. That way you know that she at least knows everything you are concerned about regarding his health. You can make her a checklist of things so she wont forget a step. You could also write out for her different things to check for if he is fussy.

As far as the partners sister, I would make sure that the partners mom knows that your child needs to be with her at all times. And if you hear about the sister taking your child anywhere without your permission that will be the end of overnights there. If they are going to have your child overnight they should respect your wishes.

Let us know how it goes and good luck!

Kasey - posted on 03/21/2011

This is your baby and they need to back off~ expically if he has some medical problems you don't feel comfortable leaving him with them over night. You could let her watch him during the day (1-2 hours) at your house while you runs some errands or while you are there doing other things. Your partner should be more supportive.

Amy - posted on 03/21/2011

Don't you dare back down. This woman IS a stranger and doesn't seem capable of taking care of your son. Period.

Pamela - posted on 03/21/2011

In my eyes I would feel the same way, if any of my kids needed special attention, I darn sure would want to be there so as to make sure they got it. Nothing wrong with being a protective Mom, just be glad your not like some who want to put his needs in someone else`s hands. Love, Mom`s can show & give it in a protective way until Trust develops fully, we won`t let go!

Madelyn - posted on 03/21/2011

Well honestly your his mother!!!. 4 months is too young for over nites stays in my book. I think you should talk to your partner and your partners parents. There is no need for you to feel unhappy when all you want is to make sure your child is being well taken care of. You are only going to stress yourself out if you don't open up about your concerns. Your the mother and if they want to be apart of your lives then they need to respect your wishes...

hope all turns out for the best...

Lynette - posted on 03/21/2011

You have every right to feel these things. You are his mother & if you arent comfortable w/someone taking him overnight, then that's your right too & ppl need to be sensitive & understanding of that, if she doesnt like it, that's just too bad. getting along & not offending ppl isnt nearly as important as doing what's best for your son. Say no, until you're comfortable w/that situation.

Jessica - posted on 03/21/2011

Not overreacting. Never let your child go somewhere or with someone when you feel uncomfortable about it. That's when your instincts are kicking in. Esp when they're that young. Everyone told me I was being ridiculous and overprotective and HAD to let my baby away from me. So I let my mom keep her starting about 4 mo old for a night a week. I hated it. Then she started expecting it and as she got older there was more and more behavior from her and my father that I didn't want my kid around, not to mention an extremely large dog, meds of all kind lying around (my dad had a transplant and is very forgetful about his meds and tends to spill them and forget them) and other issues like them not respecting my parenting views and such. Then I found out my mother was taking my child to my grandmothers and to meet up with my cousin (neither of which I have a close relationship with and had explicitly told her I didn't want my child around) so all visits were stopped. Now they either come and see her at my house or I take her to their house for supervised visits. We all went shopping together and next thing I know I hear my mother yelling at my daughter (in fear) asking where her grandfather is. He had just left her in an aisle and wandered off to look at something. Anyone could have grabbed her.
So my point is you are feeling these feelings for a reason. I should have listened to my instincts. Don't let the hubby or anyone else talk you into anything. Offer to bring your son to visit.

Linda - posted on 03/21/2011

Nope I don't think you're being silly at all. As you don't know these people that well you should stick to your guns.

Sue-ellen - posted on 03/21/2011

Hi Claire,



I have going through something like that. It' hard to take a decision but at the end of the day you are responsible for your child. doesn't matter what happens where, authorities are going to question you as the mother of the child. the point is to let them know without being rude which is a craft even I don't master yet, what you stand for.



for example you can make a comment about how you don't like to be far from your baby. Or how you don't want your baby to bother her during the nights, because the baby NEEDS to be change. And if that doesn't help, then you'll have to be straight forward either your baby is not going there or if he's going there what are the rules that need to be apply( write them down).

but it's gonna be a constant war until some one backs down either you or her.



it's up to you what is more important your baby or the relationship with your family in law.



in my case we live with my MIL and she had show more patience and dedication to my daughter then my own family. it hard to admit but after some discussion with my husband and awkward situation with my family i had to grand my MIL the right to raise my kids if something happens to us. But i still leave my baby girl with my family because my grandmother and aunt doesn't work and can babysit her for free. but their attitude and slowness has force me to make a bundle of rules, time schedule of feedings and remedies for the day.



it's a constant ongoing issues that doesn't get solve in one nap.

Ashley - posted on 03/20/2011

I agree with you. My son is 3 and has not went anywere away from me overnight. I think that if someone wants him to have an overnight stay, they first need to have an active part in his life. They will say, "Oh I want to come and see him" but they never do. If you don't feel comfortable or trust the person who wants to have your son stay overnight, dont let them. Just tell them in a calm way how you feel about the whole thing. If they don't like what you have to say, then they don't need to be part of your or your son's life. Always think of your child first. Everything else comes later.

Lisa - posted on 03/20/2011

It's a pretty delicate issue to deal with so I don't envy you. But I went through this tussle myself when Aidan was still a baby. I'm closer to my mum, not MIL, which is natural so I trust her more with Aidan. Still the issue then wasn't so much about staying over at which grandmother's home. It was subtly implied that my mum has more time with Aidan. My MIL is lovely but I felt my mum was a more gentle person, someone more sensitive to Aidan's needs. I remember my MIL trying to convince me to leave Aidan at her and her husband's home. Even though it was hard to wiggle out of that one without hurting any feelings, I had to do it. Aidan, as he grew a little older, was particular about food and by the time he was 11 months, he wanted to learn to walk and didn't appreciate being carried all the time but the times I'd seen my MIL with Aidan, she just wanted to cuddle. If Aidan couldn't finish a bowl of food, she would instruct him to "eat, eat, eat" like a military commander and try to take over the feeding. A mother knows when to back off/let go and when to be concerned. I've allowed Aidan to try getting up the stairs when I felt he was ready (with my hands a few inches from his butt just in case) but most older people would try to delay such attempts as much as possible. So in hindsight, the little disagreements and heated debates with my husband were worth it. It's not that we don't want the grandparents to spend time with them; or that we are biased for no reason. At the end of the day, we choose the way we want our child to be raised; we are accountable for anything that happens to them so even if the kiddos are "under the supervision" of other adults, if anything happens, WE are guilty. Maybe you need to explain this to your partner. Meanwhile, make up to your MIL in other ways. Give them more pictures, call her more often. Calling gives you a chance to squeeze in some info you want her to know, in between the conversations. All the best!

Jamie - posted on 03/20/2011

Not at all !! You are not selfish!! Especially since your child is so young with health isues. Would they reallyknow what to do if there was an emergency situation with him?? If they are so bound and determined to see the baby, invite them to your house to spend the night. They live to far away for him to spend the night with his health problems. My advice to you is that you are the parent not them. If our partner has a problem with it, suggest that he take the baby and spend the night. Grandparents and aunt's etc, have a tendency to put there 2 cents in on how to raise a baby and tell you what you are doing wrong. If you feel unforfortable with letting the baby stay then go with your gutt feeling.
Best Wishes

April - posted on 03/20/2011

He is too young and has medical issues. Just say no.

Byra - posted on 03/20/2011

No you're not being selfish. It's your baby and you know what is best for him.

Cher - posted on 03/18/2011

Woiw,i know you have alot of responses already but I dont think your overreacting at all,he is YOUR child and if you have negative feelings I wouldnt let him stay. my mil was the same way and after a while they stopped asking. I didnt feel comfortable because I worry alot and Im breastfeeding and he woke until a week ago multiple times in the night to feed.Also she has made comments about how when her kids were little she just put them in the crib at this time and would open it in the morning and let them cry all nite and im completely against the cry it out method..so I say if you dont want him to you dont have to. Hes a baby,YOUR baby you make the desisions.

Donivia - posted on 03/18/2011

i don't think that you are overreacting. To be completely honest it is your child and you decide what is best.. If there does come a time when u feel comfortable with letting them watch him, then set ground rules.. over all you are the mother, and mothers know best!

Jessica - posted on 03/18/2011

not overreacting. not silly. If your not comfortable with it (I wouldn't be either) then guess what? you are not being selfish. Some lines people cross can be avoided.

Kylie - posted on 03/17/2011

my son is 2 and has still never slept over at my in-laws house, because they refuse to baby-proof anything, and assume that because their other grandkids (all much older) don't fall down the stairs or try to eat the dogs food he won't either. If you child has needs like you said, and is so young (my son didn't have a sleep over till he was nearly one) i don't think it's unfair that if you have real concerns you don't let him go.