mother

Florencia - posted on 01/16/2010

I completely understand what you mean. I had no support from anyone including my 1st daughters father. He believed since they all raised kids and since she was my 1st that they knew what was best and I knew nothing. I could see where they went wrong by the way they were raised and acted. I did everything by the book and what docs and WIC recommended. My daughter was a fast learner and very advanced. These days my daughters father apologizes for not being supportive and for the way he treated me because he now knows. I ended up leaving him so i no longer have to deal with his family, he does. They don't allow him to be a father and in fact teach my daughter to not respect him or his authority. As for my mom, she acts as if she was a perfect parent who never did anything wrong. In my opinion she did NOTHING RIGHT!!! But i will give her props, she came from the Philippines, got married, had 3 kids, my dad left her, she has no family in the states, courts would not allow her to move out of state where friends were willing to help her, she did not have a job or a license and didn't know how to drive. But as much as her life was a struggle and i understand she may have been stressed and depressed, this does not sway my opinion that she was an awful parent. She showed NO LOVE, was very controlling, was unfair in how she treated boys from girls, and was mentally and physically abusive. Every step forward i took with my daughter her grandparents would try and take 2 or 3 steps back. I had her off the bottles 24/7 and if she went to stay with any of them they would give her a bottle. I do not believe in hitting or letting kids cry, my mom would do both but knows better now with my kids. I had my daughter potty trained and they would put her in diapers, off the pacifier ect. They are set in their ways and i feel a little jealous. In the end you are the mother. If they can't respect that then let them know that until they do, your house your rules and that will be where they can visit since they can not be trusted. Some little things... I believe we need to choose our battles wisely. Our kids love us all so don't deny our kids the right to see their grandparents but at the same time explain to grandparents that we will not allow them to teach our kids to not listen and disrespect mom and dad and do not want any arguing, animosity or confrontation in front of our kids. Stand your ground, your mom had her chance when raising you, now it is your turn to raise your kids right or wrong. No matter what there is no such thing as perfect parenting, all we can do is try our best to do what we feel is right protect and love and encourage them, give them what they need and try for what they want.

Belinda - posted on 01/15/2010

I hear you. My mum was the same (maybe not as bad my mum was more of a smug know it all) and so is my mother in law but by the time I had my second child my mother started to see I was doing a pretty good job. My son (2nd child) really struggles with sleep and I choose gentle techniques to help him. Even she can see the amount of care and patience I exhibit while helping him learn to sleep better.

It's tough when your own parents give you a hard time, but trust yourself, continue what you are doing and always pick up your child when he is upset. Hang in there. Good luck.

Rebecca - posted on 01/15/2010

What kind of relationship do you have with your mom? Does she have any other grand-kids? There's probably something else going on here, and that she's giving you crap about your parenting instead of dealing with the real issue. Even if your mom has reasons to think that you're not a good mom, it's not her place to criticize and belittle your parenting. YOU are your son's mother, not her. And for the record, I think that you're doing the right thing as far as not letting him CIO (don't get me started on that...) and by picking him up when he's crying -- it's very important for babies to trust their caregivers to meet their needs, and the only way they can communicate is by crying! That said, it is good to let babies learn to amuse themselves and not rush to every whimper as they get older. But some older people believe that babies "need" to cry to "exercise their lungs" or that they will grow up into bratty kids if you attend to their needs now. The truth is, science is showing that letting a baby CIO can cause physical and emotional damage.



But in any case, you have the right to mother your child the way that you (and your husband) see fit, mistakes and all. I would spend less time around your mom, and if she asks you why, say, "I need to surround myself with people who are supportive of me as a mom and help me feel confident. When I am with you I do not feel supported." Or you could try going over to her house by yourself, without your son or husband, when you know she will not be busy and will have time to talk (or take her out to lunch, even better in a public place!) and calmly tell her you need to talk. Then try to explain how you're feeling without being defensive or "blaming" her. Like, "when you..., I feel..."



Hope this helps!