Need advice on a separation.

Brooke - posted on 03/09/2011 ( 18 moms have responded )

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My Fiance and I have a 6 month old and we have orders to move across the country. He had me fly out to find a home to purchase so my child (from a previous marriage) can transfer schools smoothly. While I was away, he decided to tell me he has no intention of purchasing a home and only wanted to appease me by sending me to look. He told me tonight, he plans on moving out alone and I can go my own way and he will send money for the baby for support and doesn't want to go through the courts or the Navy. During the past 3 years, he did not want me working and also had me sell my house...in this market I was lucky to sell and not owe anything.

We are not married so do I have any rights? Can he just throw us out and say good luck? I don't even have enough money to cover a security deposit. We have joint accounts, but he controls the finances. I am concerned for my children and our future. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Mary Renee - posted on 03/09/2011

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I live in America and unfortunately alot of states (including mine) don't recognize common law marriages. Meet with an attorney and GO TO COURT. Don't take any story about how he doesn't want to go through the courts. Since you are not married he will not owe spousal support, but he will owe child support and if you don't have it on the books you have no guaruntee that he won't just decide not to pay when things go sour or he wants to buy his new girlfrend something nice.

Sorry, but you absolutely must go to court and file for custody and child support immediately. Get EVERYTHING in writing.

Mary Renee - posted on 03/09/2011

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Sorry honey, but I'm in the same boat as you. Unfortunately that's the problem with NOT getting married - you don't get the same benefits of being a wife, and that means he has no obligation to help you pay for a security deposit, nor does he have any obligation to any children that aren't legally his. I don't think the Navy would look kindly on a man putting his wife and children out on the street. But you're not his wife, you're his ex-girlfriend.

Your son, however, I would think should continue to be covered under his health insurance and should be entiled to child support. Unfortunately I don't know about Navy Law or Military law so I can't tell you about that, but it would be worth it to talk to some one higher up than him. Maybe you can shame some sense into him if his higher ups start asking him why he's a dirt bag.

If it helps I know how you feel. I moved 5000 miles away from my family and friends to be with my boyfriend, ended up pregnant, things turned sour and now I "can't" leave the state with my baby with out getting permission to relocate and he already told me he'd fight me for custody until my whole family was broke from legal fees.

I went to visit family on the mainland too, it was two flights, one 8 hour flight, and one 6 hours flight with only an hour layover between them with my (then) 7 month old. When we got home, her father dropped us off at the house and there was no food, no toliet paper, no clean towels, no wipes, and no diapers anywhere in the house. All I had was what was in my carry-on to get us through the flight. Like you I was totally exhausted and jet lagged and all I wanted was to go to the bathroom, take a shower, change the baby and go to bed.

But that's nothing compared to forgetting you at the airport. This guy sounds like a real asshole. I hate to say this but you should be glad he's not hiring a hot shot lawyer and trying to file for custody. Be glad you can get away from this guy. File for custody and go back to where your friends and family live and crash with them while you can and look for a job to get back on your feet. Are you getting child support from your first child's father?

By the way, if you have a joint bank account and you have access to it - can't you use that money for a security deposit? Honestly, if your name is on it, I would clear the whole thing out and leave.

Laura - posted on 03/10/2011

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Mary Renee is absolutely right: Get a lawyer and go to court! Since your ex-boyfriend is Navy, check with the Naval offices about what, if anything, you can do for your son. They might also like to know about your ex's behavior--it's not very becoming of a serviceman! Separate the joint bank account (you do have equal, legal access to it) and start writing down everything you do and any conversations you have pertaining to separating. This documentation can help you in court should he try to deny or challenge anything, especially regarding custody of your child.

Finally, this is probably the hardest part that willhave the most benefit in court: Try to keep your emotions in check and out of the "business" of separating. Judges/courts don't look favorably on over-emotional, ranting/yelling individuals. Stay on topic and treat everything as a business transaction (which a lot of your dealings will be), keeping your emotions nuetral. Let him rant if he wants, that will only make you look like the cool, reasonable one! So get to a lawyer and best wishes to you!

Brianna - posted on 03/09/2011

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Im so sorry that this is happening to you. I live in canada so im not sure if things are the same where you live. But in canada as long as you live with someone for 1 year your "common law married" therefore half of everything is yours.

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Tanya - posted on 03/23/2011

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My thoughts on this, if he wants to just leave you hanging, you should contact his higher up in the Navy. How dare he have you sale your house and send you on a wild goose chase when he wasnt even guinuine about getting a house. If I were you I would be very angry and channel that anger to good use!!!

The Navy takes children very seriously. If he has a child with you, they will make him do the right thing!!

Krystin - posted on 03/21/2011

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You need to go to DEERS on base. They will be able to get things settled insurance wise for your son. Also since hes in the military you wont need to go to court for all this, which is very costly, you can do it thru base legal. But you need to do it. My husbands in the marine corps and I cant tell you how many times some jerk, im sorry, has done this to someone with no notice. You need to get into the joint account and take something to help with your children. 6 month old and school age children are expensive and this is NOT illegal. Its a joint account which means you could drain it if you wanted too. Most banks wont take someone off the bank account thats not present. So until you have arrangements for child support, I would stay on. Get your own bank account tho. Also why I recommend going thru his military branch is because if the navy does it, you will get more for child support. You also need to get into contact with his superiors. They will be able to help you with all of this, especially since you have a child. He may get into trouble with them, but hey. At least youll know what you need to do to make sure you and your children our covered. That is probably the main reason he just wants to do it his way, he knows he get into trouble and they will take on average 40% of his pay. I hope everything works out for you and your children. Im so sorry this had to happen. Good luck with everything and I wish I could be more help!

Aureesa - posted on 03/20/2011

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I'm sorry to hear about everything you're enduring. I'm a 6mon veteran (Navy). I have a 2yr old, who's father was Navy at the time our son was born. We aren't married so this is my advice, according to military laws and talking with other military fathers. As for support, your child will definitely be compensated. As long as the child is on record (father's page 2 of his service record) as his dependent, he/she will be entitled to medical benefits AND life insurance. Although he said he's going to send money, it would be best to have it in writing. That way, there won't be any confusion. If you take his word, he can stop or never start payments, you know. You can contact the legal office on his base or at his command...or just go through the courthouse, which is what you will have to do ultimately. I didn't have to go through this because I was military so it was much easier to add my son on as my dependent. So, if me and his father didn't last, I wouldn't have to worry about anything. Since you aren't married, there's not much the military side can do to help you. Like others stated, a lot of states recognize common law marriages so look into that.

I can't really speak on joint accounts because I don't have one. I, personally, would never get a joint account with a man I'm not married to...just to cover my own end. If you're putting money into the account and you already know the end is here, can you withdraw your portion? If it's that easy. Also, you may want to consider government assistance...until you get on your feet. If the father was placed on child support, I'm sure it would take a while to process everything and that money, alone, may not be enough for you and your children. Hope this helps. :)

Elena - posted on 03/18/2011

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Decided to write a few more lines.... Here are a few organizations that might be able to give you advice and their contact info:
National Organization for Women - http://www.now.org/actionct.html
Women's Legal Rights (USAID) The agency's main telephone number is 202-712-0000.
Here is a yahoo discussion regarding free legal advice resources: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?...
Try to find a woman's centre in the area where you reside or area where you are moving. There are people around who protect women's rights, believe me, and it is possible to find some cheap legal help or at least free consultation. Even though common law marriage is not recognized in the USA, there are still lots of legal consequences of such, eg. children etc.... You definitely can get your ex-man to give you a share of his earnings with no guilt whatsoever. You are going to have a very hard job raising those kids, so get as much help as possible to get him nailed! Update us here on your progress. Take care!

Elena - posted on 03/18/2011

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Wow... that is hard. I was thinking that taking care of a 6-month old alone was quite exhausting. And here you dealing with all of that on the top of being a mom! I really hope this period of hardship will end for you soon and God will send some good stuff your way! Going to the lawyer would be expensive, especially now when you are trying to make ends meet, deciding where to go and how to go on living. If you have a friend or a family member that can help out, seek their help. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You have nothing to lose really. Your children deserve great life and you do too, so try to find any help you might get. As soon as you are more or less on your own feet and have a place to stay and food on the table, you can think of how to get your ex take the financial responsibility. Try not to talk to him much and provide all requests for him in writing with a copy to yourself in case you use all the paperwork later in court. I wish you and your little ones all the best. You are a great mom!

Nicola - posted on 03/17/2011

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I think that although in your state you may not have the common law marriage thing you may be able to sue him for breach of contract after all if you went out to look at a house and have been living with him for a number of years and have joint bank accounts it is reasonable to believe this would continue even though you aren't married particularly as you sold your house. I thik you need to talk to a lawyer asap and find out what you are entitalled to.

La' Creasha - posted on 03/13/2011

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Get in contact with the his ombusmen. They can contact his Camand. Let them know about the move and that you need assistance from him for your child. Get you a lawyer you need one asap. Know his ship, rank, department, and last four of his ss#. Try to find a lawyer that know and understand the military laws and rights. This show get you started. Write a journal from day one of meeting him until present the lawyer May need that info. Good luck.

Amanda - posted on 03/13/2011

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OMG thats terrible what a scumbag!!!! I am so sorry you are going through this and alone by the sounds of it.... his behaviour is completely despicable! I am not sure where u are but in Australia if you have been in a defacto relationship with a partner for more than 12 months than u are entitled to half of everything. I suggest as ppl above have, going to get some legal advice about your situation and rights and maybe even trying to access a local support service (I am not sure what is available to u) such as housing support, community health, legal aid service etc that can help give u advice, support and even advocate for u in this time of despair.... and if all else fails kick him in the nuts! lol Sorry but he deserves it! Good luck I hope it all works out for u.

Kathy - posted on 03/13/2011

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The Navy likely won't do anything for you. You will have to go through courts if you want to get support for you, however, depending on what state you were in, how much if any you get is uncertain.

Fortunately, as he is in the Navy and (I assume) is listed on the baby's birth certificate as the father, he CAN NOT fail to meet whatever child support a court determines he owes. As long as he is in the military, they will make sure he meets his obligation. But you will want to get a lawyer. You may want to contact JAG and see if they can act on behalf of your child, but most likely will you will need a civilian lawyer.

Good luck.

Molly - posted on 03/11/2011

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So sorry. I would consider contacting the Navy to ask for legal assistance to secure child support and contact the banks, open your own account and remove your r=name from the joint accounts. I heard posting a notice in the local paper claiming you are seperated and not responsible for any future financial implications. Call We The People for solid advise. My heart goes out to you during this trying time. 6 months from now you will be more settled and celebrating not only your greatest accomplishment, raising your children.

Lynn - posted on 03/11/2011

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What a scumbag! Personally,I would have family back home start looking for something you could afford to rent,pack your bags while he is at work and go take most of the money in the joint accounts,after all,the money from the sale of your house must of gone in there.
Make an appt if you can with a family officer at the naval base,explain things to them and find out what your son is entitled to,then leave the same day,before he gets a chance to stop you.
Remain civil and distant with all dealings with your ex and as much as possible,deal with him through a lawyer.Even if he won't give you any money,make him pay a lawyer so either way,he is broke!
Good luck with your fresh start, you are going to be better off without him.

Erin - posted on 03/10/2011

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for a start i think you should get your bank accounts sorted and start looking for a rental or somewhere to go where you are happy and can move on and start saving to get somewhere of your own. i dont know if this is helpful but i send my love and best wishes to you and your family and i hope it all works out

Brooke - posted on 03/09/2011

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since he is Navy, is there somewhere I would file? Even for benefits for our son? Since we are not married I obviously dont have ther benefits, but our son should. I cant immagine that the Navy would think its okay to put the three of us out on the street. Afterall we only moved here to this Navy town for him. No family here. He already said he wouldn't even help us with a security deposit on an apartment. BTW there was no real fight... he said I was being a b**** after he "forgot" to pick me and out 5 month old up at the airport . I had been up for over 36 hours and was tired and he "forgot" us. I thought I was being pretty mild. I dont think I was out of line for getting upset about that.

Brooke - posted on 03/09/2011

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Thanks Brianna for your kindness. I never concidered that, but did look it up and the state we live in does not validate a commmon law marrage. Thank you again.

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