New mom and military life... all i can do is cry sometimes.

Kelsey - posted on 03/16/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My husband is in the Navy. I packed up my whole life about a year ago to move to Virginia away from my country home of Tennessee. We live well enough that I can be a stay at home mom, but being a stay at home mom means that I rarely get out. I really need my mom with help with a new baby, but shes too far away. We haven't met anyone to be friends with yet really. They all still party and a babies aren't their thing yet. My husband is thinking about staying in the Navy because we'd have guaranteed insurance and a paycheck. But in October hes going to be transferred to a new duty station We've been arguing about where to go. He wants to do more exciting things (understandably), but I want to know hes safe and so are we, with him with us. Let me just add that I support our troops, but I don't support War. Honestly I just feel like I am being asked to make so many sacrifices so he can go off and do cool things. What about MY life... I can't just run off to Greece or Japan or whatever and do all these cool things, because I made a commitment to my daughter to be her mother. I mean... Did he not make the commitment as well to be her father... to be my husband. I have some anger here if you can't tell. Family is something I value and I gave up being near mine to be his wife and now he's leaving me and asking me to move to another new state where I know no one. I'm angry at him for missing the important things in our daughter's life and not being there to share them with me. What if he dies... the list goes on and on. I just need some support and some advice. I know I married a military man, but when it comes to love ... sometimes you just don't have the choice to love who you want. I feel like I could write a book with all the things I'm feeling right now. Please help :(

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Sarah - posted on 04/29/2010

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im going thru the same thing.im an army wife.packed up only my clothes moved to hawaii i missed all my friends and family no one has yet to meet my daughter or my husband i have no friends and im always home alone with the baby.its stress ful and i cry alot too

Laurie - posted on 04/28/2010

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Awwww hang in there! I have been exactly where you are (even living in virginia at the time!). You are not alone, even though you may feel like you are. This is such a normal way to think. It really is a tough lifestyle but what doesnt kill you will make you stronger. I did not believe that was true until I look back at all I have done and compare myself to civilian wives and moms. Being a wife and mom is hard...being a military wife and mother is unfathomable to most. I get by with taking pride in all I have done for my family and country. Sometimes the days are still so long and hard, but I realize now why I have to do it and try not to get too pissed when I have a bad day. It did take me years to get to this point. The first years of my little girls life seemed more like survival than anything with no help and no friends or family close by. I had her when my husband was deployed and he was always in the field during her first year, then he went to Iraq for 7 months. Now we live in seperate states and he back in Virginia on a medical hold and once again I find myself waiting. Sometimes I regret not trying harder to get involved and make more friends, but I felt like I was always so busy with my daughter that I did not have time for anything else. I have ejoyed the places we have lived though. I love that my daughter got to experience so much diversity in her young life. When we have another little one we will be back home and surrounded by family and friends...but I feel that my daughter will always be so much more well rounded becuse of our adventures as a military family. Take care and the best of luck to you!

Carolina - posted on 03/16/2010

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I was a military wife, i had to pick up and leave my life to start a new one with my hubby. I know how hard it can be. Being a new wife, let alone a military wife and a new mommy can be overwhelming and scarey. I know that it is easier said than done but dont let your fear become anger. There are so many what if's, you cannot let those consume you. Make the best of your situation. Every base has support groups for wives and mommys where you can find people that are going through the same things as you. Try finding somethign that you can do to make yourself feel better and you can do with your baby, a mommy and me exercise class, mommy and me singing class, or even putting baby in a stroller and going for a walk, whatever you like to do. Believe it or not there are alot of women going through the same thing. The most important thing right now is your daughter, your daughter is now your life. No women really knows what she is gettin into when she becomes a military wife until it happens. You guys both made commitments to each other and your child, work together with her best interest in mind. Remember life is what you make of it, make lemonaide out of lemons. Enjoy traveling, enjoy your baby (pretty soon she wont be a baby), enjoy new experiences, enjoy life. Again dont let your fear become anger, you are a strong military wife! Remember... " THe military is my husband's mistress & sometimes that bitch gets all the attention." Embrace your fear, put yourself out there, be proactive, be positive. I know it is hard but hang in there. You will adjust to being a military wife and mommy!! best of luck! Mostly babble but i hope it helps :)

"A military wife is mostly girl. But there are times, such as when her
husband is away and she is mowing the lawn or fixing a youngster's
bike, that she begins to suspect she is also boy. She usually comes
in three sizes: petite, plump and pregnant. During the early years of
her marriage it is often hard to determine which size is her normal
one. She has babies all over the world and measures time in terms of
places as other women do in years. "It was in England that the
children had the chicken pox...In was in Texas, Paul was promoted..."
At least one of her babies was born or a transfer was accomplished
while she was alone. This causes her to suspect a secret pact between
her husband and the military providing for a man to be overseas or on
temporary duty at times such as these.A military wife is
international. She may be a Kansas farm girl, a French mademoiselle,
a Japanese doll, or a German fraulein. When discussing service
problems, they all speak the same language.She can be a great
actress. To heartbroken children at transfer time, she gives an
Academy Award performance: "New Mexico is going to be such fun! I
hear they have Indian reservations...and tarantulas...and
rattlesnakes." But her heart is breaking with theirs. She wonders if
this is worth the sacrifice. An ideal military wife has the patience
of an angel, the flexibility of putty, the wisdom of a scholar and
the stamina of a horse. If she dislikes money, it helps. She is
sentimental, carrying her memories with her in an old footlocker. One
might say she is a bigamist, sharing her husband with a demanding
entity called "duty." When duty calls, she becomes No. 2 wife. Until
she accepts this fact, her life can be miserable. She is above all a
woman who married a man who offered her the permanency of a gypsy,
the miseries of loneliness, the frustration of conformity and the
security of love. Sitting among her packing boxes with squabbling
children nearby, she is sometimes willing to chuck it all in until
she hears the firm step and cheerful voice of the lug who gave her
all this. Then she is happy to be...his military wife"

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Laurie - posted on 04/29/2010

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honestly though, i have never felt at home in all of the places the military sent us...i always felt like there was a void, even if i was happy to be there. ahh hang in there. hopefully he wont re-enlist for your sake! serve the time, be proud, and go home:)

Jennifer - posted on 04/29/2010

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In a way, I can relate to you. Home for me is in MS. It will always be home no matter where I live. I'd rather be there than anywhere else. My family is there and I just love life there...the simplicity in everything. My husband and I have lived in TX since Christmas Day of 05. Yes, Christmas Day! His job gave us 5 days notice to move and be in Corpus Christi, TX. Therefore, we had to leave on Christmas Day. Since then, we moved to Houston and now living in Laredo which is on the border of mexico and not in a safe place at all. I feel like I have given up a lot 'following' my husband around. He actually lived in Laredo several months before we (our daughter and I) moved here. I was in Houston for a few months without him, then our daughter and I went back to MS to live with family, to avoid going to laredo where we aren't that safe. I have been a single mom for a huge part of our daughter's life. She's now almost 2. He just follows his job around but I in no way WANT to live in Laredo or jump around. We are however, now in Laredo with him but we are stuck living in a hotel, which sucks! My family is very important to me so instead of causing arguments because of the whole situation, I am just letting him have his way. Thankfully, we are moving back to Corpus Christi and moving into an apartment....for now. They may move us again in June. We'll see. At least the military tells you where you are going to be, how long you will be there, and they pay for your move. His job jumps us around so much, we had to break a lease AND we had to pay for our apartment plus a hotel for my husband to live in. My advice to you is to just go with your husband where he wants, make the best of it, and hope that after a few yrs, you can move back 'home'. That's my hope for myself as well. Good luck!!! Oh...also, I am not comparing railroad life to military life. I know that you have to go probably a year without your husband at times. I have only gone a month or so without mine at a time and only seeing him once a month. I can't imagine living without him for that long, especially with a new baby. When he is deployed, you should go stay with your mom if that's a possibility for you. Good luck!!

Jackie - posted on 03/16/2010

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Kelsey,



I can't even imagine how your life is as far as being married to a miltary man. I can tell you I know what it feels like to be a mom with a new baby and no one to do things with and basically looking at your life as over. Life is not over.. You don't have to sit at home all day and just tend to your new baby. Check your local area for mom's group. They are all over the place. The mom's in those mom group have kids from NB all the up to grade school or higher.. Try Strollerstrides.com, that is a mom club that is very popular. They have get togethers, play dates, and they also have a weekly or bi-weekly get together where you go out and do excerise with your kids. Try searching online for mom clubs and I am willing to bet you will find a bunch in your area. They are very helpful and supportive. Check your husbands Base as well. They are usually always Military Wives clubs or Military Mom club that you could join and get to know people that are in that area.



Talk to you husband calmly and if things start to elevate to arguing then take a break. Let him know how you feel. Its not easy being a mom without help. I don't have anyone to help me with my daughter except my husband when he is not busy working or taking care of his son from a previous marriage.



As far as being upset that your husband is not there, or that you have to move around alot. Thats something you really should think about. Everyone knows that a military guy never stays in one place for a long time unless he is really high in rank. If your husband is trying to do whats best for his family, it might require him to move. Being a military wife you excepted that fact when you decided to marry him. Being his wife doesn't change the fact that he doesn't have to move around. The military doesn't care, because when you signed that contract with them you are basically saying you will do what they tell you even if that requires you to move 100 times before you retire.



I know its hard. Like I said I can't imagine what your going through. But, YOU should try to make the best of things for you and your daughter with where your living. Make some friends through mom clubs, once your daughter gets older, you can take her to place they kids go and have fun like the parks, or indoor playrooms.



Just so you know I in no means have any intention to making you mad or hurting your feelings. But KEEP IN MIND!!! THAT NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE... AS LONG AS YOUR DAUGHTER KNOWS YOU CARE ABOUT HER AND TAKE CARE OF HER THEN IT DOESN'T MATTER ABOUT THE MOVING AROUND. SHE WILL BE MORE WORRIED ABOUT WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF HER AND BE THERE FOR HER..



THAT PERSON WILL BE YOU!! Enjoy being a mom to your daughter, take a camera everywhere you go so you can take pictures.. Be happy that your there for her and you get to experience all of this. Sooner or Later.. For your husband.. He will sit back and think about what he is missing.



I hope this helps..

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