not wanting your mother at the birth

Esther - posted on 05/22/2009

I'm very close with my mom but I still didn't want her at the birth. I did have her stay with me for the first two weeks after I came out of the hospital so she could help me (my dad was there too and they did all the cooking, cleaning, groceries etc.) which was very nice. All my relatives as well as my husband's relatives live in Europe so any visit would automatically be a week-long kind of thing. My mother-in-law wanted to come over immediately after birth too and I told my husband that I wasn't up for that for at least 2 weeks after. He wasn't too happy about it at first but he gave in and told them to stay away. If there is ever a time where you have the right to be "selfish" (and that's really the wrong word) - your first few weeks as mom would be it. So if you don't want her there, she should respect your wishes. She probably won't like it, but so be it. You have to put yourself first right now.

Amanda - posted on 05/22/2009

If you don't want your mom there - tell her. And if she shows up at the hospital make sure the nurses know you don't want her there - it's their job to make sure you are comfortable which includes warding off any unwelcome visitors.

Brittany - posted on 05/22/2009

If you don't want her there, that's your choice.



But honestly, your relationship with your mother is exactly how I felt about mine BEFORE I had my baby. My mom wasn't there, I didn't have to tell her I didn't want her there because she lived in another state. We called her on the way to the hospital, just because I figured she'd be mad if I didn't.



My cousin was in the room with me and she was calling my cousin the entire time I was in labor. She cried when they sent her a pic of me and the baby. She heard them announce all her information. So it was kind of like her being there. But you know what? I thought my mom was selfish but she worried about ME when I was in labor. She wanted to be there to help me get through it because she felt bad for me.



Also, I found that even within a few days of having my daughter, I understood a lot more. I understand that my mother did the best she can and she does love me and tries we just don't have good communication.



Now, she came up to see my daughter when she was 2 weeks old on mother's day. She kept saying i'm not important now, but for once I knew she was just joking. She kept telling me how proud of me she was and how her baby has a baby.



She's planning on coming up once a month but I'm going to take it one month at a time and be careful not to become disappointed if she doesn't because she's disappointed me a lot. The next time she's supposed to come see us is on my birthday, June 11. She said that day will be about me. She called the other day and said she'll be driving by about an hour and a half from here and wants to come see us Saturday.



Anyways, my advice is to let her in the room. If she's being the way you expect and upsetting you then you can still tell her to leave or wait outside. I think you'll probally end up wanting her there in the end and it's better to have her there and not need her (where you can make her leave if she's upsetting you) than to not have her there and want her there.

Danielle - posted on 05/20/2009

I was adament that I didn't want anyone but me and hubby there. Knowing the family like I did, I didn't tell ANYONE when we were going in or anything so that it could be just us. Still they found out and we barely had him before the vultures swooped in. I agree with the last woman that it is vulnerable and you definately don't need those around who might distract you. Stick by your guns if you are sure that you don't want her there.

Michelle - posted on 05/20/2009

labour is a really vulnerable time...not one when you need people you don't absolutely trust around you...just don't call her and say it happened so quick you didn't really have time to call anyone...!

Laura - posted on 05/19/2009

I didn't want my mom at the birth of either of my kids. With my first one my sister had called her after said not too, and to top it all off even though she said she would there in fifteen minutes she actually didn't show up until I got drugs and she wasn't much help. With my second we didn't tell anyone except for my cousin in law mainly because her and her husband were going to watch my son while I was in labor. My cousin in law came but that was it. Nobody else found out until two hours after I had my daughter. My mom and I never had the greatest relationship either so therefore, I didn't want her there both times. Do want you think is best. I say and a lot of doctors and nurses will agree with me that the more relaxed you are the easier the labor. I also know from experience. LOL

Sam - posted on 05/19/2009

i felt lyk this before i had my son, i had this big birth plan in my head i wanted every drug i cud have, i didnt want to hold him untill he had been cleaned and i definately didnt want my mum there but when the time came my mum woz there the whole time i woz in labour, i didnt have any pain relief as i refused to go in2 hospital till it woz too l8 and i snatched my son off the midwife the 2nd he came out. my advice is that its your pregnancy, your labour and your baby but try and keep an open mind things dont always go 2 plan.

Carly - posted on 05/18/2009

i didnt want my mom at the birth, and she really wanted to come as she never had anyone there when i was born and thought i wanted to have more people there. in the end i just told her this was something me and partner wanted to do together. she was upset at first but once id explain how exciting it was to come see the baby the next day. and now shes glad she gave me and my partner the space to bond with our baby.

Erin - posted on 05/18/2009

Giving birth IS about you - you and your baby! You have the right to chose who you do or do not want there, and if you can make those choices clear to everyone involved I guarantee you will have a better birthing experience. Make it clear to your mother that you only want your partner there, but still be sensitive to her feelings if you can. Maybe ask her to wait outside so she can be close by and then she can see the baby when you're ready. I would have to agree with some of the other posts though - while it's perfectly understandable that you don't want her to attend the birth, try not to push her away altogether. You'll be surprised how much you may need her in the early days :)

Katie - posted on 05/18/2009

No I didnt want my mum at the birth and I dont think she really wanted to either, I found giving birth was a very personal thing and being my first child i didnt know how id cope but we decided it is was something special my partner and I were to experience to gether my mum and i are very close.. she came to visit for a few hrs after I gave birth and that was a nice time I am pleased my partner and I were the only ones there....

Christine - posted on 05/17/2009

um in all honesty it is your decision love, my mum instantly offered to take my oldest child and never asked to be at the birth, she was great and when the time came and i was in labour i was then feeling quite sad and felt i needed her as we do have a good relationship and she ened up being there as i asked for her, but at the end of the day, she left it up to us as it is your day and its a very private thing as not every1 wants to be seen naked and in pain and in full glory.

Mel - posted on 05/17/2009

im glad my mum didnt get there wil 10 mins after, i really just wanted my partner there so its completely understandable

Kylie - posted on 05/17/2009

I'm really close with my Mum, I'd even say she is one if my best friends and I still didn't want or have her at either of my births. It's such an intense, intimate time for the parents and unless she has been to the birthing classes with you and has prepared herself to be your support person there is absolutely no need for her to be involved. Take as much time as you and your partner want to bond with your new edition. Of course you will welcome all those friends and extended family who want to meet and love your new baby when you are ready, they are so important. If your mum is going to get offended and make this time about her its best to ignore her and just stay calm. I couldn't keep my mum away after the birth, she was at the hospital at 8 am the following morning so excited to see the baby. I will say, accept any help ..like if your Mum wants to come over and make a meal and do some washing in the first few weeks so you can just be with your partner and baby I'd let her. You might just have to be straight with her and ask her to call before she comes around so you can "schedule in" an hour visit during the week. Trying to keep her away completely may just cause more problems than its worth.

Angela - posted on 05/17/2009

i'd just let her know gently that this is a time for you, hubby and baby to be together as a unit/family and work through it together. Let her know she will have plenty of opportunities to be with her grandchild a little later but for now, you want it to be a special time for just you guys...good luck

Natalie - posted on 05/17/2009

well i didn't want my mum at the birth and she was in the end (long story) but i totally know what you mean, i just wanted it to be about my, my husban and our baby, in the end tho it was handy that she was their because of a few things. Your not wrong and have every right to have the labour you want.