Sex after baby...(little tmi)

Shona - posted on 09/05/2010

I too beleive that sex is a part of marriage which is why i felt guilty that it took me so long before i was able to have sex with my husband after our son was born- we were told it would take about 6-7 weeks before we could have sex again- it took me over 3 months before i could we would try but it would hurt and my husband is a gentle guy if i am in the slightest amount of pain he wont do anything and he wouldnt pressure me or ask about sex or anything which made me feel worse coz i felt like i was making him miss out.
But when my body was ready again we started back up, i fell pregnant go figure but i lost it, then a few months later i fell pregnant again with twins this time I lost one but am now 16 weeks pregnant with the other.
We have a beautiful almost 8 month old son who i love with all my heart we both do but we are lucky to get to have that alone time once a fortnight let alone once or twice a week - your husband should think himself lucky instead of complaining so much

Lynda - posted on 08/02/2010

I would like to take my hat off to you christina, being able to be doing it 3-4 times a week during the pregnancy and 1 week now is quite an achievement in my books. Especially with baby and no baby sitter and the added stress of buying a house and all the BC issues, I think you have been amazing, My best advice is to talk enable you both to find some time to simply talk about all the concerns you have and perhaps with a counsellor trained in this area. My husband is amazing and has been patient with me as we havernt been able to do it very often, due to tiredness and it is also still slightly painful for me sometimes. we are lucky to get there 1 month! this will change over time, I believe sex is important in marriage but it is not meant to overshadow other important things as well, like communicating etc, we have been dating for 19 years and married for 15 of those years, we have learnt that sometimes its not the amount of times you have sex it is the quality of your sex life that counts. Hope this helps and congrats on your one year anniversary. ps dont be too hard on yourself.

Tiffany - posted on 08/01/2010

when u start to see yourself as pretty everything will change. you need to take control of your sex life, when you feel sexy u r sexy. also foreplay is a great helper and i have noticed that when we hint at sex instead of just saying hey i wanna have sex we are much more aroused. by the way I completely no what you are going through we went through it too it took a lot of long nights and some fights before we figured it out and i am happy to say that problem is now solved ( its not every night but more than it was before).

Christina - posted on 07/31/2010

@Melody Romero - I've been accepting and very grateful to the advice & ideas given from others. There was no negativity. I was simply stating the situation, which in venting that yes made me feel a little better but the main point of the post was in fact to get some advice because at times it feels like I am the only one going through this though I know others are and have and can help. That's why I posted. I wasn't rejecting ideas or advice. I made a post telling that my husband and I talked as an update. Please don't come here to tell me that I am just complaining, I'm not and if this was misconstrued by anyone else then I apologize as that was not the case nor my intentions. The only thing I've rejected is the need for counseling as I know that's not our case.



However, though I've been kinda making myself have sex since our conversation, my husband and mine that is, I've noticed something odd. I've no where needed the KY and its been 3 times that we've been together since the convo now. Then this evening I've had slightly period like cramps, they've passed now and only lasted about an hour and it had been at least 5 hours since he and I had had sex today. It was very odd...

Aicha - posted on 07/31/2010

have you tried Taking charge of your fertility : the definitive guide to natural birth control and pregnancy achievement by Weschler, Toni it is a good book about natural birth control options also you need to talk with your husband about how you feel counseling would help both of you

Narissa - posted on 07/31/2010

i feel you on the lack of sex drive. it's been 3 weeks since i had my son and before that during my pregnancy my sex drive drove off and left. i felt bad for my bf and practically pushed porn at him bc i just wasn't interested.

i don't know what to say about BC, after this last pregnancy i had a tubal ligation done, this is my second child ( i'm divorced ) and so is my bf. he has two kids from his previous marriage and condoms irritate me. have you tried spermicide? or a diaphram?

on another note, what saved me when my first child was this young was a swing. i'd put her in it and it would just lull her to sleep or keep her entertained for a bit...def long enough to get a quickie in.

as for your body i understand that when we look into a mirror its hard ( at least for me ) to see how my man would find me attractive when i just don't see it. Then i remind myself that He does find me hot, i mean he has a physical reaction and sex is def a good way to reduce some stress and to bond. he wants to be with you and loves you.

Kathy - posted on 07/31/2010

Since our daughter was born we're lucky to get 1-2 times a week. I still have the urge and so does he but with running after a 10 month old all day I'm often just too tired... Although it doesn't help that he has a very bad back. Like others have said, every one of us gets our drive back differently after baby.... also part of your lack of urge could very well be your fear of getting pregnant, there are other ways you can avoid it, you could try the rhythm method, although it doesnt always work and I'm sure there are others that don't involve using anything else.

Melody - posted on 07/31/2010

Reading your original post and a lot of Circle of Mom members sincerely reaching out to help you...then your negative (pessimistic) responses leads me to believe that you don't want answers, you just want to complain.

If he's such a loser, ungrateful, selfish, disrespectful man and you don't think he'll ever change, then leave. It's frustrating to see you respond to ideas given to you with long drawn out dramatic excuses...

Here's your answer: YOUR'E normal about less sex in your life now. What you choose to do about convincing your partner is really up to you...we don't know you or your situation well enough to suggest things. Go see a marriage counselor who can delve more deeply into both of your thoughts and feelings and go from there.

Stacey - posted on 07/31/2010

Your situation mimics mine on a lot of levels.

I have two children. A 19 month old & a 4 month old. I got pregnant just 6 months after my son was born. In those 6 months we had sex maybe 3 times. I knew exactly when I got pregnant...lol.

My husband leaves for work @ 4am & gets home @ 6:30pm. Eats dinner, plays with kids, checks e-mail showers goes to bed by 10:30. Leaving very little "us" time. And he gets tired quite a bit.

I am a SAHM so being with 2 little ones 15 months apart does it's part on wearing me down too.

My father & brother also live with us. So we don't have much privacy. Baby sleeps in our room in a pack & play now, we still need to get a second crib for her since DS is using the one we have.

One thing that helps is having a cradle swing. I can put DD in there and she goes right off to sleep for a nice nap when DS goes down for his nap.

What is different about our situation is I am finding that *I* am the one that wants more closeness, intimacy and he is always tired. Or the baby wakes etc. When he is in the mood, I'm wiped out & we never seem to be on the same schedule. I also struggle with PPD which doesn't help.

I am trying to implement ways to be together more often, but just not as long. That translated to the *quickie*. I'm not really getting *there*, but I'm getting what I need which is the closeness for a little while & he gets what he needs, the physical expression. The baby also has a pretty reliable bedtime routine which can help too.

As far as the KY issue. Make sure to remind him that you are Breastfeeding. That you are doing what is best for the baby you both made together and that as long as you are breastfeeding, you are going to be somewhat drier *down there* because of the hormones your produce in order to make milk. Ask him to be patient and once babe is weaned you won't need to use it.

DH & I are currently using condoms because it took 7 years to conceive our first & I do not want anything hormonal. I will be talking to my Dr about the copper IUD. I've heard good & bad, but we are thinking about trying for another child in about 15 months. So I won't have to keep it in that long. I need to recoup after being pregnant for 18 out of 24 months & having two c-sections. I can't risk pregnancy again right now. Not sure my body could handle that!

Brittany - posted on 07/31/2010

Maybe if it's difficult to satisfy him with sex because lack of time (which we ALL understand!) you could please him via oral or hand jobs. It won't be the same and it will be more work on your end but if it keeps you both happy, why not? I also believe that sex is a big part of relationships (especially if you are married or will be). I mean, it feels good to make the person you love feel good. However, I feel he should be more understanding and sympathetic. Perhaps cuddle in bed and express how you feel and how hurt you are. I mean, don't point fingers at him and make him get defensive just say "I've been feeling hurt because I don't feel that I'm pleasing you" that's pretty much an "insert emotion here" statement. Maybe after you talk he'll calm down a little bit. I mean, we got through the "we don't have much time" times with alternative sexual methods, quickies, and always ALWAYS telling each other how we felt the second we felt that way.

Christina - posted on 07/30/2010

He is actually moving back to Alabama in September so its really a moot point to try and get much of anything out of him. He's been stressing me out a great deal as of late though and I don't think I can express my distaste for his continued presence much more then the "well if you don't go back to bama you're out so find an apartment"

The reasons I've come to such hard feelings with him is not even a month ago we had my grandmother's memorial (which was very hard on me as she was more like a mother and my very best friend) and he swore up and down that he'd be there for me, would sit opposite of my husband and hold my hand to and just be there and when Sunday morning rolled around and my husband went to wake him he pulled his typical can't go to church excuse of "I'm sick, i don't feel good, I'm tired, just go without me" which was apparently because he had been riding around with some chicks the night before, went to the lake (30mins away) skinny dipped, pilfered beer from camp sites, and then drove the nearly 2hours away to go to Micky D's at 4am to get food with said chicks. When he decided to brag to me about said food expedition and i told him I didn't want to hear why he stood me up on an emotional day after making promises to me, he exclaimed it wasn't his fault because they were driving and he had no control of where he went.

Mariah - posted on 07/30/2010

I am happy for you that you were able to talk and start working together to get to where you both want to be. I wish you both the best of luck.

As for the brother in law, well he's old enough to help out around the house and do his fair share of house work. Or you could suggest he find other accommodations and give you two more privacy and room to enjoy each other.

Christina - posted on 07/30/2010

He and I had a long, slightly upsetting (not in a negative manner however) conversation this evening. I explained to him the need to be brought physically & mentally to the place of "in the mood" and how while yes emotionally I do want him, very often, my mind & body need a little help getting to the show. He was very upset at first and thought I was telling him he doesn't do enough. To make a long LONG conversation short, we finally figured out that since he felt so rejected on so many occasions that he was starting to train himself to just not want sex or really think about it which was part of what was causing problems with me feeling rejected. I explained that some of the things he used to do before baby were things that really helped put me where I wanted/needed to be for the mood to strike. I also very carefully explained the whole thing on my part of a teething, fit throwing, breastfed baby that by the end of the day has me tired and emotionally as well as mentally exhausted and that I just need some actual TLC at that point to be where he physically needs me to be.

I understand that the physical part of a relationship is very very important to men, especially in a marriage. Its a way of releasing stress, upping their endorphins, as well as a very meaningful "I love, want, and need only YOU."

As far as what you said Mariah, the brother-in-law is 18 and when the weekend rolls around you're lucky to see him at the house let alone get him to do anything with his 6month old niece. That and he just isn't trust worthy enough to let him out of my sight with her, and that's not me being over protective. Also, he doesn't lack value in a woman's perspective, he understands just fine its just getting through all the stress and miscommunication that was a problem. I currently have a counselor whom I see every Thursday when I attend my lessons at the pregnancy center. Her suggestions on top of the continuing my "Created to be His Help Meet" study were right on the dot. The problem turned out to be a vast lack of communication and some crossing of wires which we are now working to uncross. I've also realized that there are some emotional issues of my own that I need to conquer to help this along.

Part of what was wrong on my end was the low self-esteem for one and for another the fear of being left or abandoned as in many of my relationships (family, friend, and romantically.) As well as the honest feeling that I really don't deserve as good of a man as I do have.

Selfish at times as he is for the most part its what I want that concerns him, which is why when we sat down and talked and I explained my problem and the needs that I have he was more then willing to listen and glad to know what was up.

I'm not a very vocal person, emotionally. I have a great tendancy to suck it up and go on. I used to be quoted often during hard situations for my family & friends saying "I am a rock" and "I'll remain frozen in the dark, unmoving, unyielding, undying, until no longer i am needed." I've always been one to put others before me, especially when I feel down. I fear being selfish.

It is terrible to have to go through such emotional hardships and natural as it seems but I seem to have let and/or made them worse on myself by being me. But again as I said, now we've talked and he understands, I got it all off my chest and we are now moving forward instead of standing still.

Thank you all for your help, if anyone else has any extra advice I'm glad to have it. I am a firm believer that one can never have enough knowledge.

Samantha - posted on 07/30/2010

its funny i was gonna post about kinda the same thing, i dont ever want it any more but my hubby just cant understand that. i think most moms feel the same way after baby is born

Mariah - posted on 07/30/2010

Christina, please please please seek out a male couples counselor, many churches and other places of worship offer free couples counseling. I say male because I get the idea he doesn't value a woman's opinion, just like my guy has to hear something from another man for it to sink in. Make him go to at least two sessions so he can get the perspective from a man who understands how valuable all the hard work that you do is. Maybe it will open up his eyes and bring him to appreciate you more. If I were you at the counseling session I'd bring up the inequity in the sex department. I'm referring to him thinking that it's ok for him to say no to you but it's not ok for you to not be in the mood when he is.

As for the KY thing, he's being overly sensitive and again selfish. You really should explain to him that if he's not willing to spend the time on foreplay and you don't use the KY he could really hurt you, making it impossible for y'all to be intimate for much longer than 3 or 5 days. Flat out it really sounds like he only cares about his own needs and is very immature sexually and emotionally. Another thing some counseling might help with.

If your husband doesn't work weekends try making one of those days a day for just you and the hubby. Ask the brother in law to take the baby to the park for a couple of hours on that day so you two can have some alone time in the house. It's his niece and if he's living there he should be an active part of her life, if only once a week for 4-5 hours.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this on top of being a SAHM. Some fathers just don't see all that you guys do to keep the house running and take it all for granted. Maybe stop doing some of the things you do in the house cleaning department and enlist the brother in law to help keep up the common areas. Maybe if he notices how dirty it gets when you do spend all day just playing with the baby and checking facebook, he'll come to realize just how much you were doing in a day. If that fails see if you can trade places for a week. If he has any vacation time saved up make him take a week off work and spend it at home doing your job and you go out from 6am to 7pm doing your Avon thing. He'll wise up real quick.

I've been told that the first two years after a baby arrives are the roughest on a relationship. If y'all are going to add another child to the mix so soon, you guys really need to get some counseling now before a 2nd baby is on the way.

You sound like a strong woman but you just haven't realized it yet. I wish you the best of luck bringing him around.

Christina - posted on 07/30/2010

As far as the BC, my doctor refuses to try any other ones because all of the previous tries have caused so many problems. She also says that its safer, in my case, not to be on any since my husband and I want to try for a second baby around Kalli-Mae's 1st birthday, well shortly after at the 15month mark.

As for parents/in-laws watching her. His family is back in Alabama & my mother wouldn't be a problem but seeing as she barely has anything to do with me because of her no good husband who thinks he has some sort of legal right to my daughter as his grandchild though he has no blood or legal relation to me aside from his marriage to my mother coupled with the fact that I can't trust them not to smoke around Kalli-Mae or to stick to what she is allowed food/drink wise that's kinda out of the question.

On the sex part itself, I can't make myself have sex like a chore. He doesn't really do anything around the house which doesn't upset me. He wakes up at 5am leaves for work at 5:45am to be there at 6am & works until about 7pm sometimes later. Bed time for him is, as of late, 8:30 tops. Kalli-Mae's bedtime & mine is 9pm/9:30 during the week. Simply for the fact that I typically sleep a little later since here lately I've been getting up with her one - two times a night due to teething. Since she's been teething, though she eats baby foods twice a day and nurses a good bit, she hasn't been nursing as much in a sitting thus she wakes up in the night to eat once and then typically in pain once as well. She gets Tylenol before bed & her teething tablets. I can't use Orajel or the stuff like it because she is sensitive to it like me. She also is currently still in our bed as we've not been able to afford a crib. Two were given to us, one was as old as me and was falling apart the second was only 2 years old and falling apart. We have one picked out but are a little financially bound at the moment. She has a bassinet but she can pull herself up on the sides of it and its dangerous now. She also has a playpen with the insert-able bassinet however, we have no room to put the play pen in our room and be able to walk. So we'd have to sleep with the door open, thus no privacy to our bedroom anyways.

To top things off my brother-in-law lives in the unused upstairs area of our house and we have a house guest, a family friend of mine and his, from Alabama visiting right now as well.

So by the time he gets home, he showers, eats dinner, sits and checks email, spends a little time with Kalli-Mae, and then he goes to bed. And the few times lately that I've tried to wake him when she was good and asleep and we could go off and do something he just rolls over and tells me "i can't" but if I tell him no, even when I'm feeling really tired or ill, he gets all sorts of upset. If I get upset and feel rejected and then don't want to do it when he wants to I'm in the wrong. But if he says no and then wants to do it and I'm not up for it cause I feel hurt from rejection prior he doesn't understand it. There isn't any foreplay anymore, and (TMI alert) when I say we might need to us the KY he says "Why?" in a hurt voice. I've still not gotten back to normal on that part since having Kalli-Mae, so sometimes even with foreplay still need the KY and that seems to hurt his feelings. I've tried explaining things to him as much and best as I can but it does no good.

He thinks I just sleep all morning mind you i get up at 8:30/9am. Then he has it in his head that I just sit on facebook, world of warcraft, xbox 360 or watching movies and not doing anything aside from playing with Kalli and making dinner. Never mind that some how laundry gets done, floors vacuumed, dishes & counters cleaned, trashed bagged up (and typically taken out as no one else does it) and whatever else needs done. Plus Thursdays I go to the Pregnancy Center here to do classes on parenting & marriage (which earns me "baby bucks" to get diapers, clothes, toys, and other stuff for Kalli for free) and since I don't have a license currently I walk to do my Avon stuff once a week at least. That is on top of twice monthly home visits for Kalli, wic appointments, doctor appointments and whatever else have you.

I don't slow down. He works up to 56 hours a week. When and where are we supposed to have any time? How in the world is it MY fault >.< and to answer someone else's question no he can't stay in the mood when Kalli is crying.

Mariah - posted on 07/30/2010

No one should have to feel obligated to have sex or feel like it's a chore. Most men will say they'd rather not have sex than have sex with an unwilling or unenthusiastic partner. Then again most men are happy to get what they can and don't complain if it's not happening as frequently as they like.

Sex, especially in a marriage, not solely for the pleasure of the man. This is supposed to be an affirmation of your love and passion for each other not some weekly quota that needs to be met. It sounds like your husband still has some growing up to do as Amanda said, he is being selfish and I think he should be grateful he's getting any at all.

Amanda - posted on 07/29/2010

First of all, your husband is being selfish. One to two nights a week is a lot more than many men get it, whether they have children or not. Obviously, that being the case that is what he's used to. I have some questions for you guys? Can he stay in the mood while your daughter is crying? Have you guys tried things other than intercourse-like manual or oral? Does your daughter sleep through the night yet? I know that I personally have had to force myself sometimes to have intercourse, especially in the beginning-my son is 10 months old now. That really helped. I know it might not seem like it, but I told myself I could do twice a week, and I've pretty much been able to stick to it, and it rarely feels like a chore now. My best to you and your situation!

Kimberly - posted on 07/29/2010

One thing that my other half and I do, even if we are too exhausted for sex is lay in bed, cuddle and talk before we go to sleep. Sometimes it leads to foreplay and so on, sometimes we just fall asleep. Either way we're getting our quality time together.

If you don't have the baby on a bed time routine, it's definitely time to start one. You'll notice your time with your husband will be more consistent. Perhaps then you'll be more relaxed and open to his sexual advances.

As for birth control methods...have you tried spermicidal creams/jellys? Diaphragm? IUD?

Mariah - posted on 07/29/2010

What is your husband doing to help you get in the mood more? Is he only bitching and complaining that his needs aren't being met? What about your needs? Does he help with the baby or does it all fall on you?

Honey to be honest he's lucky he's getting it 1-2 times a week. My sex life has been maybe 1-2 times in a 3 month period. Now granted I was dealing with ppd and struggling with a poor self image. Now that I've been on meds my sex drive has started to return but it's still important for my fiancé to make me feel wanted and sexy. He's started to pick up on when he helps out around the house and with the baby I'm less exhausted and more inclined to initiate.

I'd say you should both see a counselor because from what you are saying you're both laying all the blame on you and he's not taking a look at what he could be doing to help the situation. 1-2 times a week is not a sexless marriage and he is being unfair to you. Get help now before things really start falling apart.

Also start looking for a sitter now for your anniversary. Someone who will take $20 to watch her for a couple of hours so you two can get some adult time sans baby. Ask other moms you know, they understand your situation and are more likely to cut you a break.

Jennifer - posted on 07/29/2010

Everyone is different some people have a lower sexdrive after giving birth and some have a higher sexdrive and others have the same sexdrive.



Our son is 8 months old and he has a bedtime routine in which he goes to sleep 7pm every night, this way we have time for us to be together. If you're not already doing a bedtime routine you could try introducing one. Try talking to him about it and if you don't feel like it because you're tired say so, don't make excuses as he may think there's a different reason.



My husband and I have maintained our sex drive but there are times when there simply isn't time or we're to tired but that's normal whether you have a baby who sleeps through like us or one who doesn't.



Could your parents or in-laws not look after her so yous can have an anniversary night together? Also as Kelsey said have you tried a coil or implanon? I have implanon and it's fab!

Kelsey - posted on 07/29/2010

Have you tried Mirena or Implanon birth control? As far as sex, you are tired! You are busy caring for your newborn, yourself and your husband. Your time and energy is being pulled in many different directions. It is perfectly normal to not be as excited for sex for the first few months after you give birth..