Why don't new dads care as much as we do?

Morgan - posted on 10/20/2012

good question.! the father of my baby didn't want kids but I just couldn't get either "A" words so we "agreed" to keep him. towards the end of the pregnancy he got excited & for the first few weeks he helped out a lot (I was sick & going thru some mild post-pardon depression) but then he started to loose intrest & just now @ 4months old he is msking attempts to be more involved although I still have my parents watch him when I go to work in the evenings(hopefully it will soon change)

my point is don't pressure him, let him know that you can take care of tge baby show/tell him the things you do & eventually when the baby gets a little more independent maybe he will start showing more & more interest in her! good luck

Bow - posted on 10/18/2012

F*** off!

LeAndria - posted on 08/27/2012

my fiance was just like that when we had our baby. i asked him about it because it bugged the crap out of me and he said it was because the baby was unresponsive. he wanted the baby to already start playing with him and laughing with him, things of that sort. don't get me wrong, he was great the whole time i was preggers and when the baby was born he was ecstatic, he just wanted the baby to come out ready to toss a football around. now that our baby is older, he is the greatest father. i think men just want someone to play with and unfortunately we just have to wait until the baby is a little older.



hang in there. he'll come around, it's just going to take a little time. have you tried asking him about all of this? maybe that will help as well. best of luck! :)

Sally - posted on 08/25/2012

They don't have the same hormones we do. Equality in child and house care is a nice ideal, but a few decades of social conditioning are not going to shut down millennia of species survival. You have gobs of hormones racing through your body 24/7 reminding you that her survival is more important than your own. He really likes her and all, but he really likes his x-box too and that doesn't make any demands on his time. My husband was so proud of the fact that he thought up rolling the bassinet into the office so he could know what the baby was up to while playing computer games and honestly had no idea why that was not cool with me. There is a difference between "doing things their way" and neglect and it sounds like he is really close to that line if he hasn't crossed it already.

You need to sit down with him and make sure he understands the minimum care she and the house need. Write it down (he will forget) and if he doesn't stick to it, he has the choice of paying for a babysitter or getting another job so you don't have to work. If he can't take care of his child, he has to make the necessary sacrifices for someone else to do it.

Guy - posted on 08/24/2012

yeah - understand things from his point of view ...



it could be he doesnt like kids , isnt interested in kids - doesnt see them as the "cuties" we are all told to think of them and is completely bored with em ,, it could be he sees a big wide world out there with endless possibilties and yet feels the dead weight of fatherhood pulling him down , the slow realisation that hes life and all his dreams , have just gone down the pot .......



just a thought ..

Amanda - posted on 05/25/2009

he is lazy and needs a wake up call. most dads are not like this. try couples therapy, a psychologist may be able to help you guys communicate better. maybe he feels like he dosent know what to do or maybe he isnt ready for kids

Amy - posted on 05/24/2009

wow, Tina, i'm sorry to hear that ur having a tough time. i'm not sure that i have much advice but i can say that my husband did little with our first daughter until she was old enough to start responding to him. He "helped" by doing other things around the house but i was literally 24 hour a day 7 day a week on-call mom. i did EVERYTHING baby related. he didn't give her a bath until after she was three months old and that was one time. he was also not much into holding and talking to her. and he used to "yell" at me about holding her too much and not putting her in her crib for naps, etc. i let it go for a while but i was getting tired too after i went back to work. so i told him that although i appreciate what he's doing elsewhere around the house, i could really use the help with the baby. i think our first daughter was around one when he finally got it. it sounds like ur husband has some of the same things going on. but it sounds like maybe he's having the daddy blues (sort of like baby blues in women) and maybe needs to talk to someone. my husband felt inadequate b/c it seemed to come natural to me but not to him. but i didn't know this until our second daughter was born. he's like a different person. i wish i had a better answer for u. i don't think letting it go works for any lengthof time. i think u and he will drift farther apart and ur daughter will miss out on valuable bonding time.

Sarah - posted on 05/24/2009

hi, i think this happens in a lot of cases, it happened with me too, especially with my first child. i think some of it is that we've had nine months of being pregnant to 'get to know' our babies in a way, men don't have that, so i think it takes them longer to bond. my husband was a bit rubbish until my daughter was more 'interactive' as he called it! i think men need a response, which they don't get from a tiny baby. when we had our 2nd baby, he was a lot better, mainly coz he felt he knew what he was doing more this time round, tho he still wouldn't bathe her when she was tiny, i think men are a little afraid they will break!! i really think once your daughter is a little older and able to respond more to him, everything will be fine! :)

Victoria - posted on 05/23/2009

you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. let him understand the importance of babies learning from us, and that it's crucial for him to bond with his baby girl. and if it makes it easier for him, give him a broad schedule of what he needs to do for the baby. like this:

change diaper

feed

change slothes

nap

change diaper

feed

tummy time

nap

change diaper

feed

bath time

bed time



don't set a time limit or anything. your baby will slip into her own schedule and you will realize that she pretty much does the same thing at the same time everyday.

Brooke - posted on 05/23/2009

You poor ladies. My daughter is 4 months old and my partner loves her to death.. As soon as he is home its a kiss for me and lots of cuddles for our princess. From day one he has been great. He loves doing things for her, he changes her nappy when ever he is here he changes her clothes as soon as one set is dirty he plays. He puts her to sleep and on weekends lets me sleep in while he gets her bottle and takes her to the lounge room.

Have you spoken to him about it??

I have heard a lot of men are nervous around babies and you need to show them what to do. I am very lucky and find out more and more each day just how much he does for me.

Tina - posted on 05/20/2009

I am so glad I brought this discussion up because now we all know we are not the only ones! It is very hard to be super mom 24/7 and still have a life outside of that including work. I thought things were getting better until this evening when my husband tells me that his new work schedule came out today and his stupid boss put him working mon, tues, and weds!! Supposedly he talked to him about going to weekends 3 out of 4 weekends in a month and he said that was fine. So what happened to sticking with the schedule!?!? His mom was going to watch her during the week he had to work but she lives 5 hours away and retires in 2 weeks not MONDAY!!! Somehow he manages to turn this around on me and dare to say that it is my fault for not looking for a babysitter while I was on maternity leave when he and his mother promised me everything was going to be ok and it would all work out!



I used to have the best husband in the world and I always felt so lucky and special and now all of a sudden nothing is his fault, it's always mine and he never accepts any responsibility for anything!!! I am so sick and tired of it and I don't k now what to do anymore. One day things are fine and the next it is the same old crap! He expects me to make all the sacrificies and leave a job I love working nights at a hospital so I can go to days at a different hospital that I know I will not be able to handle just so he can stay right where he is and not do anything!



Sorry, I just needed to vent cause I can't keep this stuff in any more and it helps so much to be able to talk to you girls and know that I am not alone...

Thanks for listening. I feel better now!

Cathy - posted on 05/20/2009

For me it is because they didn't feel the pain of labor!

Crystal - posted on 05/20/2009

My husband is the SAME exact way! I come home from an 8 hour shift or from school, house is a disaster so i have to clean, take care of little one, and among many other things while he plays his 360. My little girl is almost 6 months. I hope this turns around soon

Brittany - posted on 05/20/2009

Exactly Danielle. But you know I was scared to death when I was pregnant and first had her because although I love kids and have babysitted often, I've never bathed and infant and I was scared of getting her dressed. I had been around a couple one month olds before, but their parents did that stuff. I just played with them babies and held them and fed them. So I was scared. But once she came, my cousin showed me the best way to bathe her. I do it all because I have to, she's my baby. My fiance is scared and trusts me to do it more. I told him I was scared too, but he said I'm better at it.

Danielle - posted on 05/19/2009

My husband is still really nervous about the whole bath and changing of clothes still, he says he is still too breakable feeling lol. It can be really intimidating is what my husband says, we as women are like genetically programmed and for the most part just know what to do, he felt completely clueless going in. He had never held an infant under 6 months old let alone bathe one, he is getting better at it now that Jamison is 3 months and is more "sturdy" as he calls it. Time will make things better.

Mae-Alice - posted on 05/19/2009

I hate this as well.
My boyfriend comes home work and does not spend time with our 3 month old.
He says she doesn't do enough yet.
He also says that work is too hard and he nees to wind down.
I understand that, but still.

He fights with me about it sometimes,
but I force him to bathe our daughter at least twice a week.
I also have him change diapers often.
Its only a littlw, but it's something.
Which is better than nothing.

Sarah - posted on 05/19/2009

Hi Tina,

I'm so glad you were able to talk through and sort it all out, that really is great news!

Just wanted to say your profile picture is beautiful!!

xx

Marcella - posted on 05/19/2009

yes I feel the same way as the rest of you ladies on here,without the communication they dont seem to get it from hints or vibes you throw there way.I have had plenty of melt downs with my sons dad.I have to do everything the cleaning,cooking,feeding/caring and bathing my 7 month old.Its nice to have a break from it at times but then I feel guilty.Or there are times I tell him that Im going out and he is watching the baby,so I can have some time to gain myself.If we do it all on ourself then why do we need them....I think they feel cause they are the males that us women need to do it all.Us women need to get tougher and dont let our hormones get in the way and stand firm....

Cathelijn - posted on 05/19/2009

I just think that they do not understand :-) Even when I was pregnant I don't think my husband realized we were having a baby I was trying to save money and prepare for the baby were as he just went about doing what he always did. I was ''nesting'' he was in the pub :-) Now my daughter is 6 months it is finally getting better I also think this is because she responds to him a lot more and smiles when she sees him.He used to come home and wouldn't even say hello to her and just plop on the couch and grab the laptop! I have 2 weeks left of my maternity leave and after this I am back to work so I have warned my husband to start preparing himself because there is no way I will do all the housework, the cooking, the washing, bathing the baby and putting her to bed when I also work. I do think sometimes we have to leave them too it! I try not to comment when he is looking after the baby because I always think I can do it better :-)

Brittany - posted on 05/19/2009

Quoting Tina:

9 Months is a long time for daddy to get a grip, but I do understand where you are coming from. I finally had a meltdown and told my husband how I was feeling and his response was that he thought he was doing everything right! He said he had a lot to live up to since he thought I was the best mommy in the world and it just didn't come to him as easily as it did for me. Like you said, he is just scared of her even though it's hard for me to understand why they would be scared of a little 10lb baby. Things have gotten a lot better since we sat down and talked and basically wrote it all out so we could be on the same page. She gets a bath every other day unles she goes out in public and then she gets a bath no matter what, whenever the diaper pale gets full whoever put the last diaper in it takes it out AND puts a new bag in it, whoever works that night comes home and washes all bottles, feeds dogs and feeds baby so the other one can sleep in a little...etc. It took a long time to discuss the things that were bothering us but at least now everything is out in the open and the one person who was really suffering from the miscommunication, BABY, is now happy and content! I guess no one said parenting was going to be easy, but if you can't talk about your problems and trust your partner it makes it 10X harder! Don't ever hold anything inside, it will just make it worse! TRUST ME!! Good Luck ladies and thanks for the advice!!

You're definately right about communication. Every time me and my fiance have an argument it's because we weren't communicating and then we have a meltdown and have to backtrack to fix it. I'm glad that was the only problem with you guys and that you guys have fixed it. I had noticed the last couple days that my boyfriend was doing way more than he should, he does that a lot, but he seemed more harsh about it the last couple days. He'd be busy and trying to feed our daughter. I would tell him I could feed her for him and he'd say "no i got it" but his tone was kind of harsh. Last night I asked if I had made him mad somehow. He said I had and then said not really mad, just upset. I asked what I did and he said that a few days ago I had said he was a bad daddy. I don't really even remember it, just vaguely, I don't remember what he did but I was just joking. I definately don't think he's a bad dad and I told him so.

Just trying to remind everyone not to even joke about that stuff. I don't know why I did because he doesn't say anything like that about me even joking. I've got to be more careful of what I say because I don't want my daughter hearing stuff like that when she's older and think I'm serious.

Tina - posted on 05/18/2009

9 Months is a long time for daddy to get a grip, but I do understand where you are coming from. I finally had a meltdown and told my husband how I was feeling and his response was that he thought he was doing everything right! He said he had a lot to live up to since he thought I was the best mommy in the world and it just didn't come to him as easily as it did for me. Like you said, he is just scared of her even though it's hard for me to understand why they would be scared of a little 10lb baby. Things have gotten a lot better since we sat down and talked and basically wrote it all out so we could be on the same page. She gets a bath every other day unles she goes out in public and then she gets a bath no matter what, whenever the diaper pale gets full whoever put the last diaper in it takes it out AND puts a new bag in it, whoever works that night comes home and washes all bottles, feeds dogs and feeds baby so the other one can sleep in a little...etc. It took a long time to discuss the things that were bothering us but at least now everything is out in the open and the one person who was really suffering from the miscommunication, BABY, is now happy and content! I guess no one said parenting was going to be easy, but if you can't talk about your problems and trust your partner it makes it 10X harder! Don't ever hold anything inside, it will just make it worse! TRUST ME!! Good Luck ladies and thanks for the advice!!

Sarah - posted on 05/18/2009

Hi Brittany,

I think you're right. We started preparing for looking after baby when we found out we were pregnant whereas Daddy didn't really need to do anything until baby was here!! Only just thought about it like that! Maybe it will take 9 months for them to get used to too lol xx

Brittany - posted on 05/18/2009

I seem to have it lucky, my baby's 3 weeks old and my fiance, her daddy, is great. He comes home and plays with her and when he's off he'll take care of her most of the time and let me rest. I was getting annoyed because I have noticed that he doesn't seem to care as much as me. Like you guys have already stated, when she's awake he'll lay her next to him while he plays video games, he lets her milk get all over her clothes and not change them when he feeds her, he tries propping the bottle (even though i told him not to), and he puts her to sleep a lot of the time, but I see now that I am lucky.



One thing is maybe your husband's a little scared of her. My fiance has told me he's kind of scared of holding, playing and taking care of the baby because he's scared he's going to hurt her because his hands are so much bigger than her. He's deathly afraid to give her a bath. He says that he trusts me to do it more than himself. I made him give her a bath and i stood by and helped with holding her up on her sling for him to give him confidence.



I also think us, after carrying baby for 9 months and then giving birth, we know we have to do it and that we can, whereas men don't have that. They don't have to do anything and then BAM! there's this new, really tiny baby.

Sarah - posted on 05/18/2009

The problem is, we all had lives before babies arrived. We had careers, friends, time to relax etc etc. We would be without our children but if you think about it, how do our current lives compare to those we had before our babies?? This is what i said to hubby when he did exactly what Tracey said - straight in from work and on the computer then doing his own thing at the weekends 'because he'd been working all week'. I got very down and burst into tears and explained to him.... although i would never be without my beautiful son my life now bears no reselmblance at all to my life before Thomas. Whereas hubby can come home and do exactly as he did before Thomas was born. He works 12 hour shifts, 5 days a week, i work 24 hour shifts 7 days a week!! I work harder than i have every worked in my life (and i've always been a grafter lol) and yet i no longer get paid!! I rambled on for hours to hubby who just sat there and took it. I don't think he realised at all and he seemed so full of guilt. He started helping out alot more but the real turning point was when he was able to make baby smile and giggle himself. Now i can have lie-ins at the weekends. Thomas wakes up and hubby gets him and feeds him. I don't sleep in for long but it's nice to know he is being looked after and i can lay in or have a loooooong soak in the bath lol x

Lauren - posted on 05/18/2009

yeah if it makes you feel any better..the father of my child who is also my boyfriend goes out once a weekend and sometimes during the week just knowing that i'll be home with the baby..i said hey why don't you watch him so i can go out sometime and he said no i can't breastfeed..and i said well i can always pump when i get home he has bottles too anyway..and he yelled at me and said we're not talking about this anymore!

Tracy - posted on 05/18/2009

Not sure that I have much advice, but I definately agree that moms and dads are on different planets when it comes to babies. My husband works first shift and at first would come home and go straight to the computer...HELLO...at least visit with your son for a minute or two. Also when feeding him, he would prop him up on the boppy and not even hold him. I finally got sick of it and spoke up. I also have to do the bathing and all of the house work...even on the weekend when he is off of work. He will cook occasionally and do the dishes, but not that often. I seriously don't think they understand how much we do. On top of that, if something needs done, we have to ask them to do it. I wanna know who asks us to do stuff?

Sarah - posted on 05/16/2009

It's a difficult one but although my hubby loved our son and was really happy he was here he didn't really show an interest until Thomas could respond to him. If you show your hubby how to make baby laugh or giggle (Thomas didn't really do that on demand when he was that age but you can try) he will become addicted to making her laugh and giggle. Also, there has been reports on the news (in the UK) recently that children who have a close relationship with their fathers are more likely to grow up to do well at school and be balanced generally. I kept saying this to my hubby and i would make baby smile when he walked in the room (by tickling him) so hubby thought baby was smiling at him. Little tricks but in the end once baby responds to Daddy (because at the moment she will be responding mainly to you and nobody else) he will show more interest. My hubby now comes in from work and goes straight to his son where he is rewarded with a huge smile from baby (and Mummy lol) and he wants to spend time with him because he can make him smile and giggle. If baby does a 'first' with Daddy that really boosts Daddy too. Hubby was with Thomas when he stood up holding the sofa on his own. Hubby was ecstatic and soo proud and has been so happy to spend time with him since. Just show hubby the rewarding parts of fatherhood and he will throw himself right into it!! It can be difficult at this age though. Good luck and let me know how it goes xx