Elijah.

Laura-Sian - posted on 02/18/2010 ( 1 mom has responded )

i had a baby boy called Elijah on 20th april 2008, delivered after 12 hours of labour which was induced. A week before i gave birth id found out that my son had Anencephaly and would die regardlessof wether i carried on the pregnancy. So i decided to end his suffering and give birth at 20 weeks gestation. A lot of people have slated me for the decision i made, which hasnt helped the grieving process, however nobady can really understand what its like unless theyve been through it, and even then its different for everyone. i was barely 19, a single mother to be, and id just found out that my baby was going to die through no cause of my own. Id never even heard of Anencephaly.

after id buried Elijah, i was at a loss to what to do with my life. i had rested my future on being a mother, and it was taken away overnight. as id also lost my job around the same time, i couldnt just keep myself busy and go back to work. at the same time, i had no motivation or desire to look for work, so i just stayed in my house.

there was no councelling offered to me, and i didnt see a midwife after i left hospital. my family (which was very small anyway) distanced themselves from me, though im also guilty of doing so. and 6 weeks after my sons death 2 of my closest friends sent me an email telling me that im a murderer for letting such a thing happen to my own child, dispite the fact that i knew i didnt cause anencephaly to happen. i cut off contact with both of them, thankful that i now knew what sort of people id been associating with so i could clear my life of them. however this only added to the loneliness that i was feeling. in the meantime i was beginning to go out drinking a couple of times a week, convincing myself that i was just getting back to the life i used to lead before my pregnancy.

This was actually more drinking that i used to do anyway, but i didnt think about it because i didnt care about myself, and it soon began to get out of hand and i began to do some drug use as well. now i was never an alcoholic, and i certainly didnt do very hard drugs ( and not often) but it was still getting out of hand and i wasnt even realising it because i just didnt see any other way of coping. after a few months i was put on antidepressants, but they didnt work. if anything its the worst thing i did at that time, because it just made be numb to everything that was going on, and the drinking got worse. In november 2008 i was evicted due to not paying my rent and i moved into a youth hostal, an experiance that made me very unhappy. but during the 6 months i lived there i had a support worker who was listened to a lot of day to day emotions that were running through me. a month after i moved into the hostal i took myself off the antidepressants, as the doctor had given me stronger ones which still wernt working. this helped a lot, and in March 2009 i got myself a telesales job. i didnt enjoy it (then i dont like telesales work anyway!) but it was a job nonetheless, and now that i was keeping busy, it was leaving less time for drinking and more time for getting my head straight as it had been a tough year.

During this month i found my father, who id not seen since i was 5, and my siblings who i didnt know exsisted! they lived in south west wales and had been looking for me for years. this was a massive shock, however i was so happy, as my mothers family were no longer speaking to me bacuase of the way i had acted over the previous year. even though they were very far away from Lincoln, where i lived, i began to form a bond with my siblings, who very much wanted to meet me.

meanwhile the situation at home was far from great, i had taken a big jump back by losing my house, rather then have my own space and quiet when i wanted it, i had to deal with other 3 people being loud and fighting. this was the time where i realised that i needed to move away from the city that id lived all my 20 years in and start fresh somewhere else. however i was still very short of money and had no idea where i wanted to go to. i was also still acting irratically, so couldnt guarentee that id be able to support myself. at the start of may 2009 I packed two suitcases and left the hostal to live at a friends house. i hopped around a couple of houses until August, then went away for a week to finalluy meet my dads family in Milford Haven. it was then that i met Alex, who was my siblings cousen (on their mothers side, so not a relation of mine) wed been chatting on facebook and liked each other. we hit started our relationship on my visit, and i decided that when i went back to lincoln i would get my things and leave. So on the 5th September i get a train back to Milford and moved in with alex and his parents.

weve been together ever since. we got a house together and a couple of weeks later discovered i was pregnant. turns out we'd concieved a fortnight after getting together! it was a hock, but a good one. i finally felt like i could move on with my life, my head was in a much better frame of mind anyway because i moved. we settled into our home, got two kittens (who are lovable nightmares!!), from a litter my dads cat had, and are now preparing for parenthood, 23 weeks pregnant and having another boy. im working, as does alex and i have a great bond with my dad and my new family. i still think about Elijah, and of course miss him, but ive finally been able to come to terms with his death. its been a long struggle, one that could have been much easier with the right support, but ill always have the memories of my little boy, and my expectant son and other children i have will know about him one day. Just remember to get help, and never be afraid to ask for it.