My Terrible Two Year Old

Fit2BMe - posted on 09/21/2011

Hi Taler,

Don't beat yourself up, or feel like you're any worse than any other parent. Parenting is a TOUGH job, and parenting a strong-willed child, well, wow. It's easy to worry what others must think, and easy for other parents to judge, but we all have our different areas of strengths and lesser strengths as parents, as well as our good times and our challenging times. Welcome to a challenging time. We've all been there in one way or another, and will all visit that place of "agh! What do I do?!" many more times.

A few books I found REALLY helpful:
1. "Nurture by Nature" takes the expanded personality theory of Myers-Briggs and helps you undersand your child as an individual, with tips on how to really parent them from that vantage point.
2. "Ain't Misbehavin'" is a tribute to some of the Adler theories, and is a great quick read for parents with quick reference abilities. You can look up specific behaviours and techniques for addressing them. It's perhaps a bit "basic" at times, and so no "troubleshooting" help, but a great basic parenting book!
3. "Optimum Nturition for your Child", although not a parenting book, is a highly recommended book from me as it gets into how basic nutrition, in MANY ways, affects children's behaviours.

From myself, In regards to your situation in particular, here are some things I have found helpful through these toddler years:

-keep blood sugar even. I don't allow my toddler to have simple sugars, or fruit without some sort of a protein (nuts, seeds etc.) to give it staying power. We stay away from juice, and anything that will give him a quick spike in energy (hyper) and then a sudden drop (tantrums etc.)

-we try to be super super super consistent with all rules, even if it means tantrums at first, because then it limits fussed dramatically in the long run. If they know you won't cave, they won't bother. They'll test it at first to be sure you're serious and won't ever cave, but then they just go along for the future.

-we make a concerted effort to explain ourselves, our rules, our expectations, so that it's about teaching and getting their "buy in", not just dominating.

-where possible, we offer a choice between two things. This is HUGE for two year olds. If I need my son to go into his crib for quiet time, I don't say "you have to have quiet time now" (which welcomes a fuss), I say "it's quiet time now, would you like to lay quietly with books, or lay quietly with a stuffed toy?" (or some other version of two options which give him choice but result in the same thing--him being in his crib. Choices can be used a LOT.

-if my toddler is starting to get upset, I have found it really helpful to take a deep breath myself, take my tone way down to a soft nurturing quieter one, I encourage him to take some deep breaths and do this with him, then tell him "ok, I would like to listen to you, but I need you to use your calm words so that I can hear and understand."

-sometimes just communicating that you understand their big feelings is enough, when they're upset about something you can't change. My son hates to be rushed, it actually really upsets him. The reality though, is that sometimes we must rush. When he is crying, I might say something like "You don't like to rush, do you? I understand, I don't like to rush either. We have to do this now, but after we get there on time we can go back to moving at our usual pace again ok?" this type of thing calms him right down.

-a big thing that helps me remember how to respond, is to keep in mind that toddlers are their own little people, not just extensions of us. They have their own thoughts, feelings, desires, fears, good days, bad days, and all the rest. I would not like if I was in the middle of an activity and someone just took it away, or picked me up. I'd hate it if I never got a choice in my day, and was being pulled from place to Place and never told where I was going or what I could expect. I'd be very very upset if someone was speaking quickly to me in a language I didn't 100% understand, and got upset if I made mistakes or didn't understand. And I'd be scared to death if someone twice my size was being intimidating in any way, especially I'd they were my only understood source of safety in a big new world. Keeping this all in mind makes it just a bit easier to come up with ways to parent effectively. It's all born out of understanding your child.

When your little girl is being especially strong-willed and difficult, and your grinding your teeth, trying not to grind her into the pavement ;) remember that her same strength of character and independence may keep her out of an abusive or domineering relationship, that tenacity may help her achieve her dreams in life, and also, If they are difficult children, they're often easier teenagers! :)

Take care of the both of you! Hope tomorrow is a better day!

Tina - posted on 09/21/2011

Follow through, IMO, is the key. If your LO makes a scene, put them in time out - right where they are. You mean business and they need to know it. If the time out doesn't work. Leave. The behaviour is completely unacceptable when you're out and they need to learn that.

It's worked with mine and he's 2.5! (I did get a couple of crazy looks though when I put my LO in time out right in the middle of Ikea....lol) But I can take him most anywhere now an he's a really well behaved kid!