One year old Hitting

KATHY - posted on 09/19/2012

i have a 13 month old grandaughter I babysit for daily. She is very good once she understands something is a no-no but before that it is a battle of wills - just like her daddy was at this age. Lately she is challenging me by touching the knobs on the stove. She actually can't do much damage as they have an electronic lighting system but I still don't feel it's a good idea. She doesn't listen to my saying 'no'. I tapped her hand with my finger and all she did was take a swing at me so I don't think that will work. Any suggestions? She has only had one mini time-out for doing something dangerous to her younger cousin.

Alicia - posted on 09/07/2012

Well this just made my day soooo much better! I was scared I was the only one dealing with this. My 13mo old son hit me for the first time yesterday and to say the least I was shocked! We don't him him and he isn't around other kids so I have no idea where he picked it up from. I did make him sit down and told him "NO you don't hit mommy, thats not nice!" and walked away. I really hope this is just a phase and he will eventually grow out of it. I did not hit him back nor will I because I believe that is a double standard and is just going to confuse him. I guess we all just have to hang in there and pray this passes eventually!

Sabrina - posted on 07/08/2012

I think if you use the crib as a time out it may backfire because they wont want to go to sleep in their crib because they will assosiate the crib with bad behavior so then they will think they did something wrong when you lay them down for the night. But you might could use a portable play pen if you dont use one all the time. That may be better than the crib. My daughter hits me as well and I still havent found anything that works.

Nikki - posted on 06/12/2010

One woman said it already, but I want to reiterate that time outs in the crib may negatively impact nap times and night time sleeping.

Laura - posted on 06/10/2010

my 14th month old hits me and my hubby so we jus give him a light slap on the his hand and tell him not to hit, but he doesnt do it to his grandparents but when he hits me infront of them they all tell him no and he wonders what he has done wrong, but i have to say its getting less and less the more we're persistent with the word no and the light slap on the hand.

Rachel - posted on 06/08/2010

My 14 month old pinches at the moment! You can be chatting to him happily, and he just grabs your flesh and pinches as hard as he can! It really does make me yelp sometimes. I did think he was too young to understand it hurts, but I am beginning to think he does understand! So today I said NO! loudly, he did it again, so I pushed his hand away. I think if he carries on like that, I may end up giving him a tap on the hand and saying NAUGHTY loudly, right in his face. It is difficult to know how to deal with it when they are so young. Never had anything like that with my older one! They are all so different!

Cordelia - posted on 06/08/2010

Wow! so I am not alone!!!! My 13 month old does the same thing. I hold his hands and say "No hitting" very firmly. He still hits anyway and has even resorted to stomping his feet, flailing arms and babbling like he's talking back angrily to me. Whatever he does, if I say "no", it is exactly that. I think this is how he expresses his anger or disappointment. After all, he's only 13 months .

Colleen - posted on 06/08/2010

I kno exactly wat u mean,my 13mnth old does the same to me & every1 around him, he hits if he doesnt get his way. I also dont know wat to do to make him stop. I also dont want to him back but I do tell him not to do it.U not alone in this.

Bernadette - posted on 06/07/2010

I suppose it's different for all kids too - some kids will learn from the sting of a smack, where others may just retaliate and hit back even harder. I guess it's all about getting to know your child and what works for them, which will take a lot of trial and error. I find at this age, time out is too hard to enforce unless you put them somewhere like in their cot or high chair. I am not too keen to try this one, as my daughter has been a pretty good sleeper and eater, and only lately is starting to not want to go to bed. If I put her in there as a punishment then she is going to learn to hate her cot and it will be even harder to get her to go to sleep as she will end up thinking she is being punished at bed time. Same with her high chair - only lately has she been resisting eating all of her meals, so I want to keep the high chair a happy place. Other than that, how do you get a toddler to sit down and actually stay there without physically holding them down? Unless perhaps you get a play-pen specifically for this purpose, and never put any toys in it so that it is only ever for time out. That way no mixed messages are being sent, like trying to make bed a bad place when they're naughty, and a good place when it's bed time. They won't know the difference.

I have also tried the firm No, and she thinks it's hilarious and will do it again for the reaction. Turns out she loves the angry voice. I have also tried telling her to be gentle and stroking her hand on the area she hit or scratched, but while this works in the moment, it doesn't stop her from doing it again later. I have found that a little smack (it needs to be on the leg for her, as the hand doesn't seem to make any difference) is all that has deterred her from doing things again. I would never do it hard - it breaks my heart as it is to see her cry and know that I caused it, and I only ever do it as a last resort, but it does work for us. I am also very glad to see that people aren't judging those who admit to using a smack if they have to, because of course we only ever do it to discourage the kind of behaviour that is going to make our children have trouble fitting in with others in later life.

Laura - posted on 06/07/2010

My 13 month old daughter hits occasionally but her big vice is pinching, and all that I've been able to do is give her a timeout in her crib. It's so difficult to know what the right thing to do is especially because instinctively you just want to retaliate to protect yourself because it really does hurt. It's good to know I'm not alone and it seems like other people are using the timeouts as well.

Sarah - posted on 06/07/2010

Wow, glad to know I am not alone on this one!!

Seerin - posted on 06/07/2010

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I was beginning to worry and wonder whether it's normal for a 14 mth old to be so aggresive. Similar to most of you, my lil boy loves smacking my face. He does it mostly to mummy but daddy, grandma and his nanny get it too. I've tried to tell him to stop it gently and nicely but he'll carry on smacking. I've tried telling him a firm NO, NO hitting and he'll pout his lower lip but his hand smacks yet again. I've tried holding his hands down. Sometimes, it hurts when he hits and by reflex, I hit the back of his hand back and that'll make him cry. I feel that maybe if he feels the pain, he'll understand that he should not do it. But I notice that it makes him retaliate and be more aggresive. There are times he'll pretend to cry when I point my finger at him and say NO, being quite the actor he is and then he'll strike again! I agree it's about communication. He usually looks deep into my eyes for a long time as if to sense whether I'm really angry after hitting me. We've tried continuously to get the message across to him with a firm NO each time he does it but it still continues. I've also tried rubbing his hand gently on my face to familiarise him with gentle touches. Now, after he hits me, I'll pretend to cry and he'll give me a huge hug (which feels really good) and then he'll spoil it by hitting again. Today, out of sheer frustration and feeling lost, I told him, mummy didn't have a baby to be smacked silly. I hope he'll get over this phase soon cos it leaves me feeling helpless. I'm hoping the time out would help. Thank you all once again, for making me realise I'm not the only one experiencing this.

Bernadette - posted on 06/06/2010

who hasn't been smacked when they were kids, and who really thinks that it has affected them badly? I am not talking about full-on physical violence, but a tap on the hand or leg, and only as a last resort when nothing else is working. I got smacked as a child (only when I really deserved it) and I have to say, it worked. I learned pretty quickly not to do that behaviour again. If they learn this lesson as quickly as possible, no more bad behaviour, and no more need to give smacks because let's face it, no one likes to give smacks. It breaks my heart to be the cause of my child's tears, but I also feel that it is necessary to discourage this behaviour before it gets out of hand and they start doing it to other people.

Bernadette - posted on 06/05/2010

I don't really see a problem with a little smack, as long as it is not too hard (obviously) and in a spot where it won't hurt too much, like on the back of the hand or leg. My daughter had this thing where she would spit out all of her food so that it sprayed everywhere, and then would laugh and shake her head and say no, because she loved the reaction she would get when she did it (obviously I would shake my head and say no - she loved the stern voice and would do it just to get me to say it). So I started giving her a little tap on the back of the hand - all this did was make her try to smack me back, so one day I gave her a little one on the leg - didn't hurt, except perhaps a tiny sting, but she wasn't expecting me to do it so she cried. The result? She has never spat out her food again, and that was months ago. In terms of sending the wrong message about hitting - perhaps if you are doing it in response to hitting, it will just show him that hitting hurts and might actually discourage him from doing it again.

Jenni - posted on 06/05/2010

Like you all, I'm so relieved that my 13 month old isn't the ony one... she will pinch, scratch and hit me, looking to see how I react, and she just does it again if I say "No" or "Ouch, that hurts Mummy". I have tried all the things like No" and "gentle" etc etc. I have also tried just putting her down and walking away, and this makes her very sad... usually stops it for a while though. She also mainly only does it to me, and is angelic with Daddy!! I have also noticed it is more common when she's bored or has a lot of excess energy (rainy days when we can't get out to the park). She is also getting very frustrated when she cant do or have what she wants - I guess they are just starting to exert their will on the world and seeing what effect they have and it will take some time for them to lean patience and self control etc... hey, even some of us grown ups are still learning that! I'm with you all though, let's hope this phase doesn't last too long :-)

Stella - posted on 06/05/2010

My 13 month old hits me and her father. She also grabs peoples bottom lips and digs in her nails, and pushes hard against our faces with her hand when she cant get her own way. I just point at her and in a stern voice, say ah ah ah, no like Julie-Ann McKee said earlier. This works very well for me, as my daughter also drops her bottom lip and bursts into tears. When she is a bit older though i will probably stick her on the naughty step. lol.

Ali Marie - posted on 06/04/2010

Well my daughter, thankfully, hasn't hit me (yet?) but whenever we are around other babies her age she GETS hit by them! I half joke that she gets beat up everytime we hang out with her friends. Its frustrating because I want her to socialize with other babies, but all they do is hit her and take away all her toys...wtf?

Ulandi - posted on 06/04/2010

Hey ladies,
My little girl will also sometimes hit and get angry when I take something away or try to take her in different directions than what she wants to walk in. It's the only way they know how to express themselves at this age they don't know any other way of showing their frustration as they start to see themselves as separate from mommy. They will soon learn a different way as they learn to say a few more words and explain themselves. Until they are two they don't understand the concept that someone else can get hurt, they know when something hurts them, but they don't think it applies to anyone else. Also time outs won't really help to make them understand, all they know is they are being put somewhere and left alone. Time outs can start at 2rs with 1and a half minutes at first (this from a childcare professional.)
The stroking of where they hurt you is a good idea, but I find the best thing to do is to distract her very quickly!

Just my two cents!
Good luck.

Angela - posted on 06/03/2010

my son is 14 months old and we still have that battle in our house...what I have done is and is starting to work is look him in the face and say NO HITTING that hurts mama and then take his hand and with gental strokes on the place he hit you say gental touches over and over...now when i say NO HITTING that hurts mama and say gental touches he will gentally rub my arm or face!! Still hits but he is getting what soft touches are!!!

Deb - posted on 06/03/2010

My son is 14 months. I give him a warning, then if he does it again he gets a time out. Just like suppernanny. I know he doesn't understand, but like everything else we teach him it will click. I also say mommy doesn't like to be hit. I like to be touched gently. then I gently stroke his arm and say this yis gentle. Hitting your kid becuase he hits you will only send mixed messages and really, could you honestly hit your baby?

Lynn - posted on 06/03/2010

My 13 month old son hits me,I tried smacking his hand but he laughs manically and say's again,again.
I took all toys from his travel cot and now when he hits or bites,I put him in it for a 1 minute time out.I make everyone leave the room and turn TV etc off so he know's I mean business.

Shannon - posted on 06/03/2010

It is so good to know that my 13 month old is not the only one hitting mum. He is not doing it to anyone else either. He also tries to scratch and pinch me. I would love to hear from other mums

Lauren - posted on 06/03/2010

My son also hits, bites and scratches but not out of frustration. He'll be in a great mood, laughing and having a great time and walk over and slap my husband or myself in the face. Since he's having a great time, it is difficult to tell him "no" but it's necessary. He also throws everything and it hurts! I have a nice welt on my shin where he threw a block down hard on my leg. Again, he wasn't throwing a tantrum or anything, he was playing so it's hard to discipline him. It must be so frustrating for the little one's though...I praise him when he throws a football but chastise him when he throws a different toy. I have to imagine it's a phase like everyone is saying and just keep reiterating "no" when it's a behavior you don't want repeated. I like the idea of telling them why you're saying no. Like you said, they may not understand the reason, but at least you're starting the dialogue for when they will understand. Ah, the joys of a toddler :)

Whitney - posted on 06/03/2010

my daughter started hitting & biting around 10 months i think and is almost 14 months and has almost stopped hitting and biting. she hits and bites occasionally when she gets to tired now. i would tell her no and hold her hand down and then if she hit again id lay her on the floor so she didnt throw herself back having a tanti and id walk away for a few mins.

Eleanor - posted on 06/03/2010

I try not to give my son attention when he is rough with me. Its hard! Sometimes leaving the room is for me to calm down rather than him. I put him down and walk away, and he crawls to me again (clingy phase too!) If he is rough again, I walk away again. He soon stops because he knows its not going to get him any attention

Robin - posted on 06/02/2010

My daughter starting hitting and scratching. Usually I just try to catch her hand and tell her no, no hitting and be nice it hurts when you do that etc. Sometimes I slap the hand. She mostly just does it to me, it's so nice to know it really isn't just me!

Jennifer - posted on 06/02/2010

Okay, I think it is pretty safe to say that around 13 months your gonna get whacked in the face by the baby. The same thing is happening to me...Kaiden is also starting to throw tantrums if you take something from him that he is not suppose to have.

Joanna - posted on 06/02/2010

I know excately what all of you are saying! my daughter (13 months) pinches, hits, bites, and picks up anything n wacks me in the face. When she bit me i was so taken back by it that i back handed her to the mouth, not hard, but enough that she got the message that is never ok! i then put her arms down looked her in the eyes n said "NO!" n pointed to where she bit me. She has tried to bit me again but i jus look at her n say no n she stops n bits a toy lol She also throws tantrums over EVERYTHING! i have learned that the best way is to put her in her crib n walk away. I don't say anything, I just go right to her crib. After about 1-2mins I'll go in n comfort her. She's so happy that I came back, she completely forgets her tantrum and doesn't want to leave my arms! JUST FYI its tough the first time you do this, my lil girl threw up on herself from being so hysterical! I understand the crib is their resting place but i dont trust my daughter to be safe anywhere else when she is alone n having a tantrum. I'm sure i will change the location as she grows!

Ashley - posted on 06/02/2010

It does seem to be a trend, but my son only hits me too. He is especially good at aiming for my glasses and it hurts so bad on my nose. I have given him a little smack on the hand back and he usually sticks out his bottom lip and pouts. I explain that it hurts mommy and rub his hand on my cheek and say nice touch. He usually doesn't do it anymore (at least for a while). I've noticed though that sometimes after he hits he then rubs my face (I guess I tought him that so idk). I have put him in the corner a few times. I read that you can start timeouts at 12months and do 1 min per year of age. My son actually sits there, that works sometimes. I will have to agree with one of the mommies that it has to do with the communication barrier. Here is my thought...they get frustrated that we don't understand and I think that since we are the mommies and we tend to fix things and teach them that maybe they think we are the main person to understand their needs. Idk. I love my son but hate getting smacked and I can't wait for this stage to be over.

Katherine - posted on 06/02/2010

I personally don't see the problem with hitting/slapping your child back on the hand. My almost 14 month old slaps me and my husband and everyone in our family and we just take her hand and slap it and tell her no. I got my ass beat when I was little and I turned out fine, just like the rest of us. People now a days are too soft. Grow some balls. Just like none of us were in car seats until we were 8 years old, and we always had junk food and fruit and veggies with pesticides and canned food and we're all living now.

Suzi - posted on 06/02/2010

Im in the same boat, my 13 month old has taken to hitting me also, and scraping too, she has a 4 yr old sister who can be quite rough with her at times..never hits her but my DD could be developing an assertive nature because of this..going to be a tough one to break i think..hopefully its just a phase..My DD1 never did this at all..

Alison - posted on 06/02/2010

I find voicing my son's desires when he is upset helps prevent him resorting to hitting. "Ian, no. I know you want milk we can have more milk after your nap." I'm not trying to reason with him, at 13 months he is too young for that, but looking him in the eyes and telling him I understand even though he doesn't have the words seems to make a difference.

Cassandra - posted on 06/02/2010

Thank you all for posting these stories. My 14 month old does all of these things. What a temper! Pulling hair, scratching, biting and hiting. She gets so angry. And when I hold her hands and tell her no she starts to laugh. I feel so much better reading these posts. I am going to try the time out thing, although I don't know how easy it will be to get a 14month old to sit in the corner. Thanks ladies!!

Mandy - posted on 06/02/2010

After reading all of these responses, I'm so glad I'm not alone in this either! I was just wondering if this was a phase & now it seems it may be. My 13 month old hits me but doesn't hit anyone else. I usually tell him 'No No' in a firm voice & he when he tries it again, I say 'No No' again & walk away. He gets upset, cries & throws a fit but as soon as I walk back in the room, he gives me a huge hug. Hang in there, Mommies! Sounds to me like we're all doing well!

Kathy - posted on 06/01/2010

OMG (Oh My Gosh) I am so glad to see I am not alone! My 13 month old son is going through the same thing. I just got smacked hard in the face in a resturant last night. I had tried saying No No, No Hitting, Time out, walking away and putting hands down. I am just so glad I am not alone in this. I try not hit him because it just sends the wrong message but he hit so hard and did it twice to see what I would do that I did pop his hand. Last night I sat him down hard next to me so he knew mommy was not happy. But even that seems harsh. I am just praying this phase is over quickly and I know it will be.

Jamie - posted on 06/01/2010

my 13mo old does it too!! i don't understand it.. i stay at home with her and if she doesnt get her way she just goes nuts... she hits me.. or slams to the ground screaming.. and it is oh so annoying!! and I'm like you.. there have been some times where i have to hold myself back from smacking her back.. i especially hate it if we are out somewhere.. but if her daddy is home she is like an angel... quite annoying.. if you figure a way to get her to stop help me out!! lol

Shannon - posted on 06/01/2010

I'm glad to see that other parents are having this problem, too! My 13mo old, Matthew, hits anybody around him, when he's in the mood to hit. He even hits the cats and the dog! We just simply tell him "No" and tell him to be nice. Usually, he'll hug whoever he hit and then finds something else to do. It's just a stage that most kids go through, I think. My oldest daughter did it, but my youngest daughter did not!! Just be patient and in time, the little one will learn and the phase will be over!

Shanice - posted on 06/01/2010

my son hits me n other ppl...he has also started head butting...i smack him...but im not 100% sure weather its the right thing but i belive it the only why they learn sometimes...

Melissa - posted on 05/31/2010

time out in their bed or where ever they eat or sleep is a big NO...that is their "resting and peaceful" place...and slapping a 13 month old is slapping a BABY...spanking should not be in anyone's future...sorry...but my 13 month old daughter pulls hair, pinches and slaps as well & laughs at me when I say no...I simply hold her arms down & say no at her level and place her in the corner to sit for a minute and she gets it...

Siofra - posted on 05/31/2010

Lol Thank God i'm not the only mom this is happening to! My 13 month old gives me the biggest cuddle and then looks up at me smiles and proceeds to slap or scrape me silly! I hold her hands down and tell her 'No' but she just laughs in my face, i think i'm raising a little comedian!

Angela - posted on 05/30/2010

Okay good i feel better. My 13 month old bit only me finally i bit her back and she never did it again. She has now taken to hitting. I have instances where she hits me hard enough i almost hit her back but catch my self. She has done it a couple of times at day care too. But one thing that is working, and i don't know why, is i tell her to be nice and take her hand and rub it where she hit me and give me a hug. When she does that i praise her. She does it to the dog now too.

Kelli - posted on 05/29/2010

I think we might just have to stay strong for a while until it finally gets through to them.... I think the problem may be that they don't grasp the concept of other ppl hurt too.... we just gotta stick to our guns.... out of curiousity, are u ladies the primary disciplinarian right now? I have a theory that maybe they are just lashing out at us bc we are the ones always being meanies.... lol.

Crystie - posted on 05/29/2010

Wow....it is nice to know that I am not the only mom that gets hit by their child....My son is 13 months old and hits me, bites me (but not very often), and in the last two weeks has taken to grabbing my face when he is angry. He also doesn't do this to anyone else, and thinks it is funny when I tell him "no" it is extreamly frustrating!!! I have tried to hold his hand so he can't hit or grab and tell him "no" or "don't hit" or something similar, but that doesn't seem to work...I have tried to give his hand a tap, but he doesn't seem to care. I have tried putting him in his play yard and ignoring him, and when I do that he will calm down after an initial freak out. But it does not stop the behaviour.

Kelli - posted on 05/28/2010

Thank you ladies for the advice; it's good to know I'm not the only mom being "punked" by her 13 mos old! :) I will definitely try the crib time out thing next time! And oh Julie-ann, how I wish my son would be sad when I say no... he thinks "no" is a game.... very frustrating! To say the least, I see plenty of timeouts and spankings in his future... haha! Again, thanks!

Grael - posted on 05/27/2010

A timeout in his crib? My son does the same thing except for I've started swatting his hand which he does not like. I had also tried holding my sons arms and telling him no but it doesnt work.. I've also tried gently stoking his arms and telling him to be nice to others. Its hard figuring out what to do!

Michelle - posted on 05/27/2010

My son has been a hitter/smacker for a few months. He doesn't do it because he wants something...he just does it. We tell him no and if he does it again, we put him in his crib to cry it out.

Julie-ann - posted on 05/27/2010

Your not alone, my 13 month old does the same thing, I get a nice whack in the face if he gets a little temper on him.. Or i can be sitting down and he will come along and hit me for no reason. The funny thing is he knows its wrong- because as soon as he does it, he rests his head on me as if to cuddle to me!
I do tap his hand back and tell him no sometimes...but yes it is double standards really isn't it!
I also just say. ah ah ah nooooo... in a very firm voice.. he pops his bottom lip out and bursts into tears..

Its just a phase I think, because they have no other way to express themselves.. My first son did the same thing.. and soon grew out of it once he was establishing more vocabulary.