What if Somebody Wanted Your Children?
This article is a big difference in what I usually about. I am sure we are not the only family with this issue and would love to hear what others have to say. With good reason, we have kept our children close and protected as they have been through so much, for being so young.
Having raised two children to adulthood, we were blessed with another family after we had an empty house. Our children had only been gone for less than a year when we were lucky enough to receive two little brothers, from a state foster care program. Yes, we jumped through every hoop and obstacle in the way to get custody of these two wonderful little boys. At the time, they were 19 months old and 3 months old. Our 3-month old needed open heart surgery for ASD and VSD, which means he had a hole in the top and the bottom portions of his heart.
After months of having a house that looked more like a hospital and a 5 month old baby that weighed in at just over 6 pounds, still, the surgery could no longer be held up for weight gain that was just not happening. We made it through the surgery with two little boys that have remained happy and healthy ever since. They are now seven and (almost) six years of age. They are both happy, well-adjusted children after what was a traumatic start, after the birth mother left, with very rare, if any phone calls or visits in the four years following our custody gain.
Due to the health issues with the little one, we did not adopt the children because that would have been so devastating to our financial situation we might never have recovered. As it is, and you may possibly imagine, it has not been a small struggle. However, it is a struggle we would take on again, at any time. These two wonderful boys have become our life’s goal. By that, I mean the happiness and health of these two little boys have become our main goal.
Being older this time around, we see the difference in raising children now and the differences we have made to keep them happy, well behaved, so loved little boys. When you have and raise children at a younger age, there is concern over the furniture, the carpet, jumping on the bed, clean rooms, food on the table and so much more. Of course, serious health problems in a small child really put your priorities in order. Let me rephrase that: should put your priorities in order.
Also, as older ‘parents’ we understand that carpet can be replaced from the unexpected accidents that happen, furniture can be cleaned, snacks are okay and routine is necessary. In other words, they are being raised for happiness, not for plans of what we ‘think’ they should be eventually.
We have nurtured, we have fed their need for knowledge, we have let them experience what life should show small children, we have loved without reserve, we have given all we are and all we have to these wonderful children.
Within the last year, the birth mother of the boys has returned, supposedly grown up, even though the police reports do prove differently. Our seven year old loves his mom and remembers her well. He is thrilled to be able to see her. Our six year old has finally gotten past, for the most part, calling her ‘The Mom” and is gaining knowledge of what a mom is. He is happy to visit but loves returning home after just a day or two, his home being our house and his home. We are on week two of weekend visitation and frankly, have no idea what to do with ourselves when they are gone. That also has us very glad when they return home from the 36-hour visits with the birth mother.
The birth mother has moved just one small town away, has a job and actually pays rent. I realize she is trying but I have to put this out in the open and tell you that in the last five years, these little boys have become OUR CHILDREN. That may be a rather selfish view of this but after all we have been through, children do become yours even if they are not born to you.
As our hearts break, we are trying to do the ‘right’ thing and let these little boys see and get to know the mother that so carelessly walked away, and rarely looked back, all those years ago. You may think that four years is not long, but to six and seven year old children, that is more than half their lives. It is a lifetime to them.
Our priorities have had to change right along with the change in circumstances. Seeing the selfishness and how the boys are not children, but possessions the birth mother feels she has a right to own (due to bonding issues, I am sure) make this situation no easier. Along with the confusion, come many questions that I admit I do not have all the answers to. In truth, I do not want to have the answers; I only want my little boys. As with all good parents, we muddle through the dreaded questions and help them the best we can.
After reading this information, I ask you, what would you do if this birth mother is your daughter?
The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, Circle of Moms.
Parenting pro Sharon Silver wants to hear what's really going on for you when you raise your voice. Read More
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