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I agree with AP, but my SO doesn't!

Mary Renee - posted on 03/30/2011 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Here's the deal,

I fell in to Attachment Parenting naturally before I even knew there was a name for it. I knew I wanted to breastfeed, and as a result of waking up to breastfeed so frequently at night, we ended up co-sleeping. And when my daughter was younger (she's almost 11 months and becoming more independent with play time) and wanted to be held all the time, I held her or "wore" her, I nurse on demand, and I always attend to her cries.

The problem is that her father does not believe in this style of parenting. He thinks I'm spoiling her by responding to her cries, and he no longer sleeps with.

It doesn't help that we've been pretty much heading towards a separation since I was pregnant due to the fact that we're totally different people.

But he works 12 hours a day, three times a week, and 9 hour days three times a weeks - so mainly he's only home Sundays, so I've pretty much had free reign to raise my daughter in an Attachment style.

However, if we separate (and we've both seen lawyers already and are in counseling - but separation seems imminent) how utterly confusing is that going to be for our daughter?

She's learning to walk and today she bumped her mouth on the coffee table. It was the corner of the coffee table, but still, both me and my SO saw her hit her mouth. She started crying a REAL cry, a BAD cry, and "Ow, that hurt and it still hurts" red-faced-mouth-opened-eyes-closed-cry. I can tell the difference between real cry and a whine. I went to go to her and my SO kept stopping me! He kept saying

"No, Mommy won't always be there to come to your rescue, better get used to it now." And I'm like

"She's a baby! She's 10 months old!" But then he picked her up and wouldn't let me have her and just kept telling her

"Stop crying, the sooner you stop crying the sooner we can get on with things."

I was slightly comforted by the fact that he had AT LEAST picked her up, but watching her cry and not being "allowed" to comfort her was heartbreaking for me and I hated it.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? I feel like when other people or in-laws or strangers comment unfavorably on one of my parenting choices (co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding) it's easy for me to ignore them or attempt to educate them on my choice. But this is her father. How do I handle this?

Mary

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3 Comments

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Aleks - posted on 04/09/2011

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To me (in very uneduated opinion) sounds like he is jealous of your relationship with her. The kind that men typically feel when a baby enters the house and they have been pushed aside, however, it may have morphed into something a bit more worrysome due to your previous relationship issues.
I would suggest bringing this up in your couples councelling sessions as I am sure that even if your r/ship does end up breaking, you may be able to somehow amicably work on your parenting relationship- you are both stuck with it for the rest of your lives so you should at least work on that, or try to really hard for all of your sakes. You may not reach a compromise on *your* relationship, but definitively should look to learning to compromise regarding your parenting of your child. I am not saying that you should *compromise* on your daughter, but on the parenting relationship with your (potentially soon to be ex) partner. Does that make sense?

Hailey - posted on 04/05/2011

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yes, i hit him! How dare he stop me getting to my daughter!



We sound quite similar in our styles, i didnt know there was AP till i came to circle of mums a few months ago, i thought i was just obsessed! I also thought it was from an experience i had whilst i was in hospital after her birth where she was in her cot over the other side of the room just 20mins after i had her. We were alone and i couldnt get to her. I thought i was scared for life, running to her each time she cried.

Well Neil, her dad thought i was spoiling her and told me to walk, not run to her in a second as she was not hurt, just when she wakes up. One day he held me and stopped me for about 20seconds but it was long enough for me to punch him. After she went back down i told him if he ever stopped me getting to her again kind of talk.....



Your her main carer and kind of up to you to parent the way you want. Your parenting style is loving and why would he want it any other way? she has her whole life to toughen up, and even then when she is 20 why cant her mummy be there for her when she falls!!



I fed her till she was about 3, tandom fed her brother too as there was only 17 months between them.

Inlaws ask if they wake every 4 hours for a bottle?!?! even after told they breast feed. I took them off them if they cried whilst they held them, its just tuff really. My kids, my rules.

Just because he is her father, doesnt mean to say he actually has a say if its a negative say. I mean if he said it was fine to give her fizzy pop for each drink, just because he is her father doesnt mean you would do it



We have no plans to split up, love each other very much and get on well but he took it too far.



......and no im not violent, lol, just instinct.

Liz - posted on 04/04/2011

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I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I wish I had some good advice for you. :(

Does your SO have anger problems? Would he be willing to take parenting classes as part of the separation agreement?

It sounds like he's frustrated with your relationship and is taking it out on your daughter. Does he really think a 10-month-old should toughen up, or is it more about controlling you? It's a little bit disturbing that he prevented you from picking up your daughter. Did he physically restrain you?

*hugs*

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