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I feel like crying (or screaming, not too sure)

Tanya - posted on 07/14/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I am 30 weeks pregnant with number 2 (Number 1 is almost 2.5 years old)

With our first we were big AP parents. We co-slept until he fell off the bed. He didn't want to sleep in his crib so I would sleep on the couch with him. How I did it we were both safe and he never moved from that position. I found this as the only solution because we would not let him CIO. I nursed him until 26 months old because my milk dried up due to pregnancy and he stopped. I think he used a bottle 3 or 4 times total. I wore him in the sling/wrap/carriers as long as he would let me. We also used cloth diapers and because of that not long after his 2nd birthday he decided he wanted to potty train and use the potty. We found out at 18 months of age that our son was allergic to milk (not just lactose) and we had to remove ALL milk and dairy from his diet. Family does not agree with this and has insisted that we are 'wrong' and that we just need to give him milk and he will be fine. When he does get dairy, even the slightest little bit, he was get the runs and very stinky gas, a very upset tummy and will not sleep because of the pain.
My husband and I did most of this with constant criticism of family and friends. I was told on many occations that I was babying my son and ruining him. When I got pregnant with number 2, I was even told I had to stop nursing my son because I was taking away from baby and would kill him/her before they even had a chance ( I think they were meaning miscarry) My doctor also told me that.

Since becoming pregnant with number 2, my mom has been pushing me to let my son sleep over at her house. I am simply not ready for that. She does not agree with how I parent, and I am not sure how she will handle my son. He will still wake in the middle of the night, and I rush to him to get him back to sleep. I don't think she will do this. She is telling me that I need to start letting him have sleep-overs at her house or my son is going to resent this baby and become nasty towards it.
When I tried to talk to family about using a midwife and doing a home birth, I was told by a few that I was 'not allowed too' and I was putting baby is 'harms way' and that I 'had to' deliver in a hospital. They all seem to think right now that I am using a Dr. to deliver in a hospital when in reality it to the complete opposite.

Because of all the 'flack' that I have recieved about mine and my husband parenting style, I almost feel like quitting. In my heart I feel like we are doing the right thing, and thinking about doing it any other way makes me want to cry. I just don't know what to do anymore

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6 Comments

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Marcy - posted on 07/15/2010

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Oh geez...is there a polite way to tell them to F*CK OFF? Honestly, the hardest part of being an AP mommy and daddy is growing thick skin and a back bone. I hope you really understand that although we would love to think that AP style is expanding and becoming more and more of the "norm" you are, my friend, part of a select group of parents who choose to parent their children in a way that will continually take criticism from well intended family and friends.

Do you honestly think if you "give up" that you are going to be able to parent differently? No way....it will break you. As for your son sleeping over...if you aren't ready for that yet just tell them no. if you are still getting up at night with your kiddo and you are going to worry about him all night long its not worth it.



I truly believe people mean well especially those close to us like grandparents, etc. We have to be understanding of their feelings as well but at not at the cost of our own sanity and the health and well being of our kiddos.



If you and your hubby are no the same page that is all that matters.

Geralyn - posted on 07/15/2010

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I hate to see that pressure put on moms by family and friends.... I just wish people could respect the fact that there are different methods and a mom really needs to follow what is in her heart....

Geralyn - posted on 07/15/2010

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Family is certainly welcome to be supportive in all the things that you are on the same page, but honestly, and I think of just the few conversations I have had with my family where we had very different opinions, they can just keep their views to themselves.

I have a little one due 8/9/10 and a 27 month old (almost a similar situation to yours!) and my mom mentioned me maybe getting a crib. She knows that my son has NEVER slept in a crib, and that I intend to do the same with my new arrival, but she just said you may need a place to put her. (lol.... made me laugh inside when she said it). I just told her that I do not believe in cribs. No further discussion....

Tanya, don't quit! Its just not in you to follow through on what they are recommending you do! Just believe in yourself and your husband's AP plan - it'll all work out.

Karen - posted on 07/15/2010

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I'm with Geralyn. Set the boundries and then tell them to leave you alone. You've dealt with it long enough. You're evidently not going to change their minds (although you might as your kids grow up and don't become the clingy codependant kids your family is probably expecting) and I really hope you won't let them force you to change your actions!
It sounds like you've tried listening to their opinion and explaining yours - and all it's doing is getting you upset. Just end the conversation. If they bring it up again just say you haven't changed your mind and you'll let them know if you do. End of story.
Good luck - unsupportive family is soooo tough!

Geralyn - posted on 07/14/2010

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Family and friends can be an absolute nightmare.... All of the things that they are saying to you are totally inappropriate... and for them to continue on to try to break you down is just plain old wrong. Its one thing to give advice or share an opinion, but when you decide not to follow it and follow your own instincts instead, it just becomes intrusive and obnoxious for them to continue on. I personally would put my foot down politely that you have heard their advice and you and your husband are choosing an alternative method and to not mention it again unless you ask them. Honestly you should not have to deal with constant criticism, no one needs that. More rigid boundaries are needed.... As far as your mom and her wanting "sleep overs," I would not be surprised if she wants to do night training. That would be wrong because its inconsistent with what you have chosen to do. Again, I'd put my foot down and tell her that you will let her know when an over night would be appropriate for YOUR child.



Please do not let these people influence your choice of parenting - you must see the positive effects in your child or you would not be continuing with it. I have no doubt in my mind that when it comes to my son, he has benefitted so much from AP and co-sleeping. Luckily people haven't had the nerve to make comments to me about what I am doing or not doing.... Please continue to follow your instincts and your heart with this.



Lastly,when it comes to birthing choices, they are solely yours and your husband's to make. Do what you feel is appropriate.

Aura - posted on 07/14/2010

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Don't give up. You are doing what you know to be best for your children. When your kids show them all how smart and independent they are, they will all be eating their words.

I had the same trouble with my inlaws. They are straight off the boat Dutch and, apparently, they all do the CIO method in Holland. Every time I was over and my DD was fussy, they would tell me she was tired and should go in another room to sleep. Recently I let my MIL babysit for a few hours and found out that she let my DD fall asleep in her arms before putting her down. It was a TREMENDOUS triumph for me. Just stick with it and who knows who you are getting through to.

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