I just can't help myself....

Marcy - posted on 02/10/2010 ( 26 moms have responded )

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Part of me wants to never ever answer the questions posted in some of these circles because I feel sick reading them. However, I find myself time and time again responding in hopes that maybe some mom out there will look at things differently. More often than not altely I feel like I am wasting my time. Any other AP moms out there doing the same? Just trying to figure out if its really worth it.

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Brenda - posted on 02/13/2010

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Wow, I've puffed a little air in my son's face, just to get him to take a breath when he's doing the screaming and not breathing thing...but to throw them in a cold shower...horrible. The bad thing is I've actually been told by others to do that very thing. Again, where's the respect? If you were all hysterical over something that's upset you so bad, would you want someone to dump a bucket of cold water on you? I don't think so. It's just all about empathy, no matter how you look at it. Where is the child coming from? What has them so worked up and how do you bring them out of it the best way? But so many parents can't see why their kid is so upset over something so "stupid". Yeah, my kid has thrown a fit over something I think is really kinda dumb, but to him it isn't dumb. To him it is very real and important. The problem is when parents see things through their eyes and not the kids. Yeah, to us, a pizza not being cut in a triangle isn't a big deal, but to a little child, that's huge, because that's SUPPOSED to be a triangle, and if it isn't, it isn't a pizza. They don't have the ability to understand that because something looks different that the nature of it is the same. That's a complex bit of cognition, and young children just have not reached that level.



Oh gosh, that became a book.

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Shonda - posted on 02/16/2010

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I read the post about the water in the face and my eyes started to sting from the pain. This is HORRIBLE! I want to be in tune with my children and give them what they need for their own level of experience. At no time in my life do I think I ever deserve water in the face. I wouldn't do it to my dogs... why my child! Oh my! I just stay away from those boards. I come where like minded Moms can give me advice suitable for my lifestyle, listen to me, where I can give my two sense... and have it be understood versus ridiculed, etc. This is the place for me. My heart just hurts for children treated so mean. I will have to check out Cage Free Babies... I did not know it existed. Thanks ladies.

Katherine - posted on 02/16/2010

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Rebecca-----there are 2,600 members here, so know that here you are the majority :)

Rebecca - posted on 02/16/2010

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I just read the other comments about the shower for a tantruming child and it made me think about how my mom loves to tell this story about dumping a jug of water on my head when I was 2 years old to stop a tantrum, claiming I never threw a fit like that again. If that's true (which I doubt), it could only be because I was so traumatized!

My mom actually mentioned that incident while we were doing a Skype video call on Sunday (my son's first birthday) and my son started crying because my husband moved the laptop out of his reach (and also because it was almost naptime and he had a stinky diaper!). I reached to hug him...and I don't know why I felt the need to justify comforting him when he was upset, but I said something about how he doesn't know what's going on and I can't help but comfort him when he's upset, and my mom did validate me for comforting him now since he's so little and doesn't understand...but then she mentioned that when he's older, I just need to remember what she did to me...

UGH. It's hard hearing this crap from my own mother, especially when in many ways she is very supportive of my parenting style -- she's a big BF advocate and thinks it's fabulous that I'm SAH and she co-slept with me on a mattress in my room until I was 2 -- but I've also had to listen to misinformed lectures on the "benefits" of circumcision and epidurals and spanking...and the list goes on...

Rebecca - posted on 02/16/2010

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I feel the same way -- sick at reading some of the questions/responses, but still hopeful I can make a difference. That's what keeps me going, but I have to admit, I do take "breaks" from these boards periodically. I just get so down sometimes. I mean, I *know* that I'm in the minority in so many things -- natural birthing; breastfeeding past 6 weeks, much less past a year; choosing genital integrity for my son; cloth diapering; not doing CIO or using a rigid schedule -- and so many others, but it's so discouraging to read all the misinformation and ignorance-driven advice on here.

Minnie - posted on 02/14/2010

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See, Brenda, I told you you have a knack for coming up with awesome communities!

Brenda - posted on 02/14/2010

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I really need to clean out my community list. I'm in some other non active AP communities, but I never go there. I find myself coming here, No More Tears, and Cage Free Babies...but the funny thing is that the same people are in all three of those for the most part! What really gets me are the groups that have poor punctuation/spelling in their names. I'm like, what?? *sigh*



You know, we should start a by the book group.



"By A Better Book (Dr. Sears)" based on his books....LOL Give them some competition!

Emily - posted on 02/13/2010

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I am constantly amazed by some of these moms. Really I had no idea how many of them there are (guess I've been in denial). Very glad to be in the presense of you all!

Geralyn - posted on 02/13/2010

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I peruse the "By the Book" community when I need a laugh (because I see them recruiting new members depending on moms' responses in the general communities - needless to say I haven't been invited....). I must say that we as a group have more meaningful dialogue about issues like raising independent, nutured, sensitive, empathetic children than that group and frankly any other group. Its great to pose questions and get input from other moms with real thought behind answers.



Fiona, sometimes I just can't help myself. Sometimes I just have to respond. Something needed to be said because the thought process was so skewed.... I am waiting for someone to try to attack me. I responded to the mom with the "old family tradition" that some traditions are better left in the past. What I did not need to say - ONLY BECAUSE SHE SAID THAT SHE COULD HAVE CPS ( Child Protective Services) CALLED FOR DOING THAT - is that placing a child in a cold bath or shower as a form of punishment is aversive treatment and is illegal in California. I couldn't believe she herself said it - so it wasn't a situation where she was just ignorant of the law - and then she followed up with an "lol".

[deleted account]

I am so glad to have found this group, FINALLY some rational, sensible, helpful threads from loving mothers with common sense and advice to share. I too have shuddered at some of the questions and responses posted on other threads and have been tempted to add my opinions just to even out some of the arguments. Lately, after witnessing the viciousness of some attacks on others though, I find I am keeping my posts to topics that I actually know something about and can offer helpful advice on and stick to loving and nurturing my child the best I know how. Circle of Moms can be a bit like a car crash, some threads I just can't help but read even when I know I'm going to be upset by what I find.

Emily - posted on 02/13/2010

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good god that is horrible. was that on the welcome to circle of moms board?

Geralyn - posted on 02/13/2010

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Oh, the post - it was locked recently - about the tantrumming 22 month old. One mom said that she used an "old family tradition" if her child was tantrumming where she puts him in a cold shower and sprays the water in his face. Why not try waterboarding? It seemed to work at Guantanamo Bay - until it was discovered that our interrogators were doing waterboarding and it was deemed torture and stopped.... Ridiculous.

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The worst one i ever read was the mother who smoked cannabis all through her pregnancy and in front of her now 2 year old daughter and asked what everyone thought of it. Then she got annoyed because everyone went mental what did she expect us to say well done your doing a good job!

Brenda - posted on 02/11/2010

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You know, if I said, just once, what I really thought in some of those threads I would be banned within minutes.

I would like to say things like: hitting kids is child abuse, no matter what you're mother did, letting babys CIO is child abuse, it is neglectful, and should be against the law... Then there is the whole issue of breast vs. bottle. While yeah, I want to support all mothers, and I want to support those that try, but I still feel like making the choice for conveinence is selfish as hell. I just want to scream sometimes at some of these people because other young moms are reading their crappy advice and wrong information and believe it to be true.

What makes me so crazy is, why are there soooo many more of them than us? Why is being a loving and attentive parent a minority in this world?

Katherine - posted on 02/11/2010

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LISA you shouldn't give up. You can still be an advocate. Trust me, whether they like it or not, they hear it.

Katherine - posted on 02/11/2010

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Private Message.

I should stay out, I really should. I've been "diplomatic" and just posted links to get help. What else can you do?

Marcy - posted on 02/11/2010

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What is a PM? Wow, I am so clueless. I think that after all this time of posting responses and reading other posts that moms who are physically abusing their kiddos are just really looking for another group of women who agree with them so that they can feel more secure in their position on parenting. Can you imagine going in to work and doing something wrong and having your boss come over, bend you over his knee and smack your butt (or worse in some cases)? If I didn't feel so bad for those kiddos I would probably just laugh at some of the responses. I have decided to avoid those circles for now...I am just too tired to hear anymore crap!

Minnie - posted on 02/11/2010

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Marcy, when I first signed up for COM I was soooo into debating and trying to be a crusader for children. I hoped that somewhere, some mother was reading and not posting and would have her perception of her role as a mother changed and that she would see her little ones in a different light.



I suppose I still have those hopes. Sigh...I used to debate babywise in the breastfeeding moms community, but now- I'm tired. It's the same old same old. Same old failure to reason, to love, to see children for who they are, that they are NOT miniature adults, but still human beings who deserve respect.



Blah. So I don't debate as much. I usually type out a post but then don't return to the thread again because I feel like no one really cares.



On a completely (or semi) unrelated note, I had a snippy message sent to me back in september, I replied to her waaaay back in an attempt to instill some sort of reasoning into her, and only just yesterday she messaged me again to have her say-so. LOL, months after her initial and my emails. Does she expect to continue an argument or something?

Brenda - posted on 02/11/2010

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All the time. I go through phases, but then I just get so tired reading them. I just come here and my communities. Some days I can't even read posts on the Breastfeeding moms group. Just hurts my heart.

Traci - posted on 02/10/2010

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I learned my lesson once. Won't happen again. Way to dramatic for my tastes these days.

Katherine - posted on 02/10/2010

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Oh yes!!!!!! I feel the same way. I just feel so compelled to answer, to get my two cents in. It's like if I don't I'll kick myself later. What sucks for me is that I administer the welcome page which is where these "threads" are. *sigh*

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