Looking for some reassurance

Molly - posted on 01/13/2010

The concept of feeling guilty for co-sleeping doesn't really make sense to me. You are doing whats best for your child by co-sleeping, by being right there with her when she needs you. Perhaps its the mainstream culture making you feel guilty but you know what? There are plenty of screwed up things in the mainstream culture, especially concerning parenting, that makes me think maybe they don't know what they are talking about and we do. We Attachment Parenting moms & dads who actually take the time and effort to properly care for our children are the ones who are doing it right, if you ask me.

Breann - posted on 01/06/2010

You are a wonderful mommy and you are meeting your daughter's needs - NOTHING to feel guilty about!

My little boy, who is nearly 15 months now, transitioned naturally into his own crib and his own room at 13 months. He was a "difficult" sleeper from the day he was born. For the first 12 weeks or so, he would sleep nowhere but on my chest. Seriously! It was like he had to hear my heart beat. So I slept slightly propped in bed for 12 weeks. But he slept beautifully, and I slept better than if I had been awakened all night. Then he transitioned to sleeping craddled up by my side. This continued until he was probably 7-8 months old. He started demanding a bit more of his own space (i.e. hogging mine..) so we side-carred his crib up against the side of our bed. He had his own space to toss and turn in. By 12-13 months old, after several months of sleeping by himself all night next to us, my husband was ready for him to be in his own room. I knew our son was ready, so we transitioned him. It required a week or two of me sleeping on his floor, but now he goes down at bedtime and naps with no fussing and sleeps on his own all night!!! Oh, and this was the child that before 12 months old would not tolerate napping unless I was holding him.

Bottom line. They will transition at their own pace. I probably would have kept our son in our room for much longer, but I also love my husband and respect his feelings. If it had been any earlier and our son hadn't been ready, I would have totally put my foot down. Cherish these moments while they last. I so sincerely miss the feel of my son snuggled up next to me at night, and even miss all those hours (probably days/weeks if you added them all up) of holding him while he napped. I hope my next little one is a co-sleeper too!!!

Cuddle up and love her. :)

Katherine - posted on 01/01/2010

Quoting Patricia:

Thank you so much for your comments. Reading about your experiences has made me feel much better. I never thought about co-sleeping as something that is part of the natural order of things. It is true animals always sleep with their young so I did make the right choice. When someone brings the topic up I won't let them make me feel guilty or doubtful. Thanks for your support I'm glad I joined the group.

YAY!!!  :)

Patricia - posted on 12/30/2009

Thank you so much for your comments. Reading about your experiences has made me feel much better. I never thought about co-sleeping as something that is part of the natural order of things. It is true animals always sleep with their young so I did make the right choice. When someone brings the topic up I won't let them make me feel guilty or doubtful. Thanks for your support I'm glad I joined the group.

Brenda - posted on 12/30/2009

I was there about five years ago. My first son was born and I had the the nursery all set up and everything was "just right". We only had a full size bed. I was miserable. Every time I would plop him in the bassinet, after he was asleep there was no sleepy but awake like I had been told with him, he'd wake up screaming. So I got no sleep whatsoever those first four weeks of breastfeeding. Then I had my gallbladder out and via dumb idiots at my hospital and my inexperience and lack of support my milk dried up. We then moved in with my mother in law and we had a small bedroom with the crib right next to our bed and that was about it. When we got a king bed, and when my son weaned from the bottle at two, he started sleeping with us. I had always fed him to sleep then moved him to the crib anyway.

Well, he's almost four and a half and still sharing the family bed with us. I have no guilt whatsoever this time around, and when my now nearly eight month old was born, he slept in the hospital bed with me. And the nurses said nothing at all, and I even explained how inflated and wrong statistics on overlaying are for cosleeping.

SIDS rates are lower among babies who cosleep. The rates of cosleeping moms that do overlay their babies are almost always using drugs, smokers, severely obese or doing so in another unsafe way. There is reserach pointing to links between CIO and seperate sleeping and rising rates of ADHD and ADD in children, as well babies who cosleep are being shown to have less anxiety and depression as children. Benefits are shown up until age five and beyond. I suggest you check into Dr. James McKenna's Mother Baby Sleep Lab research out of Notre Dame as well as Dr. Sears' research.on SIDS and the many benefits of cosleeping.

We are the only society (Westernized civilization) that does not sleep with their children. I have a Pakistani friend who said that it was strange to her when she got prregnant and was asked what room the baby would sleep in because she said the baby would sleep with her of course. In that part of the world, you don't buy cribs. I had a friend on my due date club living in Jerusalem. She had to special order a crib from the US because she could not buy one there and everyone there thought she was nuts for buying one. We seem to think that because we are obsessed with individuality that babies should be independent from the exit from the womb. This lack of attachment and trust I believe (as a Counselor in training with a background in psychology) the reason that young people today (my generation included but also teens) who are raised without the attached family values are apathetic and don't care about anyone except themselves because they were never attached to begin with.

So are you doing your baby a disservice? No, in fact, you are giving your child a gift that no one else can. This gift, of love and trust, cannot happen in any other way. Do what feels right, because our society asks us to ignore our instincts as parents, and as in the animal kingdom, instincts are usually right. You'll never see mama kitty leave those kittens.in another room to cry. A cat will come to the sound of a kitten mewing immediately because it is in nature's plan for our infant's needs to be answered. Humans often think we are beyond instinct, but nature knows better. :)

Traci - posted on 12/29/2009

My little girl is 5 and a half months, and I still feel guilty sometimes... It's helped that I made the decision to co-sleep until she's at least a year, if not 2, and made sure the reasons I was doing it were not selfish (ie: I need more sleep or something like that.)

Katherine - posted on 12/29/2009

Well as one member put it so perfectly "Do animal mothers sleep apart from their young?" I had a hard time too with my first, is it right? Should I stop? The doctor said stop, everyone says it will ruin their sleep habits, they should CIO I SAY BLAH BLAH BLAH, go with your GUT and HEART and INSTINCT. Don't let others persuade you, try to stand your ground with whatever decision you make :)

Geralyn - posted on 12/29/2009

BTW, there are some recent posts that talk about CIO ("Cry It Out") methods or even modified CIO methods, and research that shows adverse affect on the development of the child and certainly the connection between baby and parents. Embrace those family members that support it, and just thank the ones that don;t for their opinions, but follow your heart.

Geralyn - posted on 12/29/2009

Hi Patricia! Welcome to AP/Co-Sleeping Moms. I have co-slept with my 20-month old son since he came home from the hospital. He thinks his crib is a play pen for stuffed animals, and he'll ask to be put in there to play. (Its very cute.) It appears that some little ones are more content to sleep on their own, and others love cuddling up to mommy at night. We nursed for 19 months, so co-sleeping made sense in that respect. But what has been great is there were times that he had a fever or needed to be held during the night, and I could attend to his needs in the moment. It has not affected his ability to sleep through the night, and it has not made him dependent on me. He naps on our bed alone, and at night he turns to me or to my hubby to be held and drifts right off to sleep.



The moms in this group are strong believers in co-sleeping as a way of staying connected and assisting the little ones in developing into happy, independent sleepers. I think that the misconception is that little ones who co-sleep will not become independent at night and will stay in their parents' bed for years to come. That is actually not the case. The amount of time that the child remains really depends on the child. And transitions may happen quickly or slowly depending on the individual needs of the child.



It is completely normal for a 6-month old to want to be with his or her mom during the nighttime hours. It seems like your daughter and you as a couple are natural co-sleepers. You should do what comes naturaly to you. And because you are following your maternal instincts, please do not dwell on guilt. You are doing no harm whatsoever to your daughter. In fact, at night, there is just as much a connection developing between baby and mom as during the daytime hours.



We all love co-sleeping, and I will be proud of my son when he transitions like a big boy to his room, but I will miss those early mornings when he wakes up and whispers "Hi... hi..." and wants a hug and drifts back to sleep in my arms.... I just love co-sleeping!!!

Michelle - posted on 12/29/2009

Not sure why you feel guilty about meeting your child's needs. Of course, we co-slept both of our kids, who are now 6 and 3 years old, and sleeping in their own beds just fine.



I know some people have claimed the transition is hard, but we had very little problem. We kept the crib in our room, put the baby down normally, and then, during the night when he or she woke up, we just brought her into bed with us. At some point, they each slept through, and we made a big deal about moving the crib to their "big kid" rooms and made sure they were excited about it - it was fine.



Americans tend to lump "sleeping together" with something sexual, even subconsciously, when obviously it isn't when discussing a family bed. For centuries, humans slept in one giant room in the house. Most mammals sleep with their young. In America, we expect our 6 month-old infants to be "independent" and "strong". All they want is to be warm and feel loved.



If you need more support, there are plenty of groups, you might even find some local ones. Do some online research - you will find arguments on both sides of this somewhat controversial topic - and then I would suggest you follow your maternal instinct and no one else's. Someday your baby won't want to cuddle anymore, and you can look back and remember how much extra cuddle time you snuck in by cosleeping.