Schedules

Geralyn - posted on 04/21/2011

Thanks, Moms! Let's put this one to rest.

Emily - posted on 04/20/2011

Rather interesting that this thread has popped up again! I still basically feel the same way, though you're right, Oothoon, it's not like a lack of schedule means that we do crazy things at crazy times. In my house, we have a general rhythm to the day, but it's guided more by our bodies than the clock.

Brenda, I'm an INFP too. :) lol (also work as a therapist).

Since I wrote this original post, my non-scheduled son has had almost a full year of preschool.. surprise surprise he adjusted to it just fine. ;)

Liz - posted on 04/19/2011

I think it depends on the child. Some babies who aren't very adaptable don't do well without a routine. Lots of meltdowns, etc.

Mostly, I think it's a matter of semantics. The scheduling moms aren't following their schedules to the minute. They're just people who enjoy "systems." If you ever lurk on forums that follow a certain book/method, you will see loads of posts from moms struggling to follow it. They're constantly "tweaking."

On the other side, I don't think us attachment moms who don't follow schedules are waking our babies at 3am for a bath or taking them to raves at midnight. Then letting them eat chocolate cake at 5am. Or whatever exaggerated picture people have of attachment parenting.

My baby has a general rhythm but he's kind of irregular in his habits and pretty adaptable, so I just go with it. We always have bath, lotion/massage, and stories before bedtime, and he has naps throughout the day when he's tired (usually 2-3 hours of wake time). I breastfeed on demand to keep up my supply -- I don't really believe in scheduling breastfeeds.

I think having an idea of what the "typical" baby needs in terms of routine helps in reading your own baby's cues. For instance, if you didn't know a very young baby typically can't stay up for more than 1-2 hours, you might not understand that your newborn is overtired. So it's a balance between finding out what babies typically need and then understanding the individual needs of your babies. It's a constant challenge!

Brenda - posted on 04/18/2011

In Response to Christina:

Um, no. Gonna be as nice as I can here, but as a counselor and psychologist, that just is not based on facts of human development. Cite some peer reviewed research to back that up.

Not using a schedule has more to do with a parent or child's MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator - a test I am qualified to administer). My personality type is INFP (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiver). The last piece, perceiver vs. Judger. Perceivers like me hate schedules. I can't even make a to do list or grocery list. Liking or disliking schedules is a part of PERSONALITY not good parenting. If a child likes schedules, say is a judging personality, they will show it and it is parenting to recognize that.

I have to agree with Emily that I'm a little offended to be told we're new moms. You have a very wrong idea of what we represent and just because we don't schedule doesn't mean we give our kids everything.

In fact, my kids are more well adjusted than kids I know that were raised with schedules. Those kids have a freak out when their schedule is changed and cannot be taken anywhere they are not used to. My kids go anywhere, anytime, and don't care if their sleep is interrupted out of necessity. My two year old goes everywhere with me, and eats and sleeps when he can.

Brenda - posted on 04/18/2011

Schedule, what is that? Seriously, if my kids do anything with regularity it is a miracle. I've never been a scheduled person, and do not do well trying to keep anyone else on a schedule. I never had one as a child, and I don't keep one now. My five year old's only schedule is getting up and going to school and what he does there.

My two year old is up now, at nearly 1 am, after napping for a few hours earlier. Our schedule varies so much that the only thing constant is me going to school and dad going to work. My five year old adjusted to school just fine, and I don't expect any problems with my two year old doing the same.

I have no bedtime, I usually just try to get my five year old in bed somewhere around ten if I can. He needs to do something because he is having trouble sleeping, but for him using a "bedtime" isn't going to help because he'll stay up just as long, just in his room. He'll read, play with toys, play with something rather than sleep if he isn't tired. And it isn't that he is and is trying to put off sleep, most the time he just isn't tired enough to go to sleep (There is suspicion on my part that he is ADHD as well as his school, something I've always suspected but I didn't want him diagnosed before he turned six--that's kind of the time when diagnosis becomes pretty accurate). That would certainly explain his energy level.

At two he had given up naps, and rather than tell me to make him nap she said some kids don't need them.

Karen - posted on 04/18/2011

I would have loved if my daughter had ever settled into a predictable routine. But, right from day one, she's just all over the place. Still now, at 2.5 I try to encourage a routine gently (trying to eat and sleep around the same times every day), but it sometimes just doesn't work. There's nothing more frustrating for me (and her) than trying to get her to nap before she's good and ready to sleep. I wish it was a easy as just getting her outside more or more active or whatever ... some kids just don't have routines!

Alisha - posted on 04/18/2011

well i started one with my son when he was 6 months old he is now almost 3 and hs the same and it just makes things easier on both me and everyone else, and i did the same with my daugther she was bout 8 months old when she finally figured out her brothers schedule, she is now 17 months and by noon she is ready for her nap and by 830 she's ready for bed, i just think it makes things go alot smoother and gives me and my husband a little time for us at night, same kids it dont matter if they have one or not but for my kids it makes things easier, i give them breakfast at the same time, lunch and dinner. but thats just my family, i dont think kids really need one but if u have a some what big family it makes things go a little smoother.

Ashley - posted on 04/18/2011

My son is autistic, he thrives on routine. With that said, while we do follow a similar routine everyday, I don't abide by the clock too much. He has therapies during the week, and he has a regular bedtime (which is based on his normal cues, because he does fight sleep). Other than that, I make sure to keep things flexible because I don't want him to become so completely dependent on a schedule that he can't cope if something changes/happens.

Anne - posted on 03/24/2010

I didn't have my baby on a schedule because I just didn't know I was 'supposed' to but over time I found she was happier with one. She has always been 'distractable' and would not feed or sleep even when she was hungry or tired. She was just crying all day and nothing I did could soothe her. I would pace up and down the floor carrying her and singing to her but she would resist sleep. Eventually we worked it out by trial and error. She went out in the pram 3 times a day and this sent her to sleep. We adjusted the times of the naps so that she was getting enough rest and was happy in the day and not overtired by bedtime. We also had to work hard at getting her to drink enough milk so she wasn't crying with hunger and having a routine helped with that too. I see that a lot of you have been very succesful without a routine/schedule but in our case it really helped our baby. People regularly comment on what a happy child she is. You would not believe the difference from when she was not on a routine and screaming the whole day. I am also a person that benefits from a routine. I need my food and sleep at the same times of day or I get a horrible migraine. It just works for some people. I am really jelous of those of you who's babies like nursing. Mine has always wanted to be off doing something else. She hates having to go to sleep too and tries all sorts of tricks to keep herself awake. Everyone is different.

Jenny - posted on 03/22/2010

With my first baby I tried really hard to have her on a schedule because that;s what people kept telling me to do. It never worked and I finally gave up. She's four now and if she wants to have lunch at 10:30 so what? I'm happy she's willing to eat good, healthy food.

With my new baby right from day one I took my cues from her. She's almost always with me and I can respond to her needs when SHE needs them met, not when the clock says so. I find it so much easier to go out with her because I'm so in tune with her I don't worry that I have to be at a certain place/certain time to feed her or put her to sleep. It feels like we're in a great rhythm together.

Ruth - posted on 03/19/2010

I doubt that the children in orphanages feel secure and they have a VERY predictable schedule!! so i'd have to say that its having their needs met that make them feel secure!

Emily - posted on 03/18/2010

Yes, yes, yes, exactly what I'm trying to say, Sylvia :) but you said it better :)

Sylvia - posted on 03/18/2010

Yeah, hearing moms talk about their babies' feeding or sleep schedules squicks me out, too. One thing that gets me is the way a strict schedule, which is often promoted (à la Babywise) as "helping parents get their lives back" (don't even get me started on how I feel about that idea ...) actually ends up forcing the whole rest of the family to rearrange their lives around the baby's schedule -- for example, I can't tell you the number of times we've had friends/acquaintances cancel on get-togethers because the proposed time would interfere with the nap time of a baby or child who can't nap anywhere but in its own bed. And the way some parents treat The Schedule as, like, sacrosanct and inviolable -- the kid who has to spend two hours in his crib every afternoon at the same time, whether he's sleepy or not; the hungry baby who's made to wait half an hour to eat "because it's not time yet" -- just bewilders me. I always want to ask them, "Do you eat every meal at precisely the same time every day? Do you never need an extra snack, or feel like eating less or more than usual? Do you go to bed and wake up at exactly the same time every night/morning, no matter how tired you are? Do you never go to bed a little early because you're worn out, or stay up a little later because you're at a really exciting part in your book, or sleep in a little because you had a bad dream or a tummy ache during the night?"

Now, I do concede that many kids do very well with a routine. (Even babies do -- as long as it's their routine. For a while during my daughter's infancy I could set my watch by her late-afternoon cluster feeding...) Having a set bedtime -- based on when the kid tends to be tired and how much sleep s/he tends to need, not on some arbitrary idea of the "correct" bedtime for a kid of a particular age -- isn't a bad thing, either. But no baby needs to be on a schedule of its parents' devising, and I've never heard of a child who failed kindergarten because its parents didn't maintain a strict enough schedule/routine at home when it was younger.

No matter what we do or don't do, our kids grow up and (to some extent) away from us. The three-month-old who can only sleep in arms becomes the 15-month-old leading a posse of little kids around the dance floor at a wedding reception; the three-year-old who can't be left at the music class becomes the seven-year-old who marches confidently down the street from the playground to the corner store to buy a cold drink on a hot day. Like walking, talking, toilet training, weaning, and reading (for example), independence and the ability to stick to a timetable or follow a routine develop over time. One doesn't wring one's hands because a six-month-old baby is still in diapers, or because a two-year-old can't read, or because a one-year-old isn't weaned yet; that would be silly, because we all know that those things come with time. So why should we despair because our six-month-olds can't put themselves to sleep, or try to make our three-month-olds perform to a timetable, on the grounds that they will need these "skills" when they're older? Just as silly, IMO.

Emily - posted on 03/18/2010

I don't think anyone is being "all or nothing." I simply don't think my kids need every minute of their day scheduled in order to be happy, healthy people.



Anyway, Christina, I really think you're preaching to the choir. Of course we all are supporting our children's emotional needs, that's what attachment parenting is all about. However, I think comparing children to baby tigers isn't the best analogy. Tigers do not have childhoods, for one; at least, not one similar at all to human children. Tigers do not go through the same developmental stages or emotions as human children.



My point is that yes, eventually our children will be independent from us. But I do not feel that is something that needs to be forced or even "taught." Kids develop independence when they first have all their needs met (and I don't think rigid schedules that are not set by the kids themselves help to meet their needs), then they gain indpendence on their own, knowing that they have supportive parents to fall back on. I have heard MANY parents talk about supposedly fostering independence with their kids by doing things like cry it out, or forcing their kids to play by themselves for set periods of time. I don't think that is necessary to raise independent kids.. I just don't think independence is something that can or should be rushed. My 3-year-old plays by himself all the time, but not because I forced him to.



Personally I can't imagine that my parents imposing a schedule on me would have done much to prepare me for life as an adult. My RELATIONSHIP with my parents was way more influential to how I am now than any "schedule" I could have been on.

Christina - posted on 03/18/2010

I totally agree and support on-demand feeding, especially for little ones. This is very different from other issues. I guess we can tend to get so all or nothing about these things that it is important to separate real need from habit or a projected emotional needs that may stem from some other thing going on. Each parent knows their child and actually, learns about life and the world from their child with each following day. Loving, supportive parents can also be teaching emotional maturity. The 2 do not conflict. I like to see a child's emotional needs like that of a baby tiger. A mother tiger needs to provide for her baby, but also knows she is preparing that baby tiger for the real world someday. She fosters its independence through a series of activities and lessons that teaches her baby that they can in-fact, survive without her. She does this lovingly, but with the end in mind, not just the moment at hand. If we can all keep this in mind as parents, our children will be better equipped to handle their worlds because we have taught them that we have confidence in their abilities, which increases their self-esteem and ability to handle their worlds, all while we love them unconditionally. I have raised three very capable daughters this way who are each very loving and good mothers to my 7 grandchildren as well. I had them naturally, at-home, loved them a lot, nursed them, practiced co-sleeping, etc. but I gave them the space and independence, within our routines, to find their own self gratification and accomplishments. It does not have to be all or nothing is my point.

Breanne - posted on 03/18/2010

I HATE schedules. I know my one friend put her baby on a feeding schedule and I asked her how it went and she was like "well he cries but he gets over it"! SERSIOUSLY! You would deny your hungry child food!! OMG no way. My son still nurses at 17 months and if he wants I nurse him.
I am a schedule person and I happen to believe my son does thrive on one but to an extent. I read cues but try to keep his nap times and bed time the same. HOWEVER the last few weeks be's been all over the chart:up at 7 am nap at 10 am sleep by 4 pm untl 7 am, then up at 8 am nap at 1 pm bed at 830pm. I just roll with it, he needs sleep he gets it but I try to keep some daily things similar for him because he's less cranky that way.
You are right though, my son goes to bed when he's tired (which is usually the same time every day). If he's not tired I don't force him, we engage in quiet play until he's sleepy. People are funny, Everyone parents differently I guess! I lik this way, my son is happy!

Christina - posted on 03/17/2010

By the way, I am in absolute agreement with you that children need plenty of down time for their creativity to flourish, so they need this space inserted into the daily routine. Over-scheduling is just as harmful as underscheduling, just in different ways. Balance is what we would like our children to have I am sure you agree. It is funny how we have to continually keep ourselves from developing an all or nothing mentality towards our live choices. I love that European and Scandinavian countries understand that moderation and balance is so much healthier than all or nothing; like weekends for example, when many schedules go out the window for weekend fun, as should be the case, as long as kids are not getting exhausted and not staying up late on Sunday evening! Happy Trails all of you Moms! Granny Pants

April - posted on 03/17/2010

My son has a daily schedule but he designed it and it changes from month to month, depending on teething or some kind of developmental milestone.



some babies do like schedules, every baby is different. my son gets all upset and cranky if i fall out of the routine (like when we go visit my parents in another state). but sometimes it is just not possible to do everything exactly the same everyday.



i do agree with Vicki that seeing some of the schedules that are planned to the minute do make me dizzy! and i think that is taking scheduling too far. if it is 6:00 and that's when we start our bedtime routine, but my son is having fun playing outside with other kids, i don't force him to come in just because it's 6. (however it does have to be within the hour or he gets cranky and sorta mean)

Vicki - posted on 03/16/2010

We have some form of routine I guess. Bed is usually around 7.30, although is often different depending on what we've been doing. Dinner and bath is before before bed so that's a kind of pattern. He usually has a morning and afternoon nap, but the times vary depending on what we're doing and how tired he is.

I get dizzy reading schedules on other communities. One I read was split into 15 minute blocks - this would be for a 6 month old. Different kinds of play were defined - either in the activity centre, tummy time, watching baby einstein, jolly jumper or playing with Mum. So every morning 10.30-10.45 was baby einstein. Sounded so bizarre to me, play time for us is any time he isn't sleeping or feeding. If he's happy on the floor crawling then cool, if he wants to be with me he's on my back or I sit on the floor with him, if I want to be outside we go play on the grass, we often meet up with other mums and kids too. We don't do baby einstein or any other silly marketing ploy type tv thing. (although I watch tv once he's in bed hehe)

Christina - posted on 03/16/2010

In response to a reply from my posting, I would like to give everyone something to consider that I have found extremely successful. When a child has not had sufficient physical activity, especially with large motor exercises like climbing or running, they will often show restlessness in the evening and be unable to sleep when it is "bedtime." If anyone observes this in their child at bedtime, I would recommend 2 preventives to ensure they are "worn-out" enough to go to bed when it is time to sleep:

1. Work towards 4 hours of active play every day (minimum), preferrably outdoor play. Running, climbing stairs, climbing big piles of cushions and pillows, dancing too during rainy days will also work as a substitute when outdoor is not an option. But remember that cold weather is healthy for children to play in if they are bundled appropriately. Plenty of outdoor activity is really the best way to ensure good, solid sleep patterns. Scandinavian societies know this and gear all childcare and school-age children towards this model, even in sub-zero temperatures.

2. Make sure your child does not have sugar or high carb foods just before bedtime (of course, sugar is not good for children at all, so read the labels, except during special occasions, just not daily).

What happens is that when a child is sedentary during their day, especially if the are sitting in front of a television at all, they are ancy at bed and cannot sleep. Then, they go to bed late; then, they have a long nap the next day because they didn't sleep enough at night; then, they cannot sleep that next night because they slept too long at naptime, and you have the viscous cycle starting. But, my point is that it is best to focus on the preventive approach with exercise instead of continually treating symtoms. Children who are not sleeping at any age are most likely in need of more physical activity during their day (even teenagers)! Stepping up outdoor exercise will also prevent a host of other problems which I go into in my book, The New Physics of Childhood. Exercise is not the remedy to everything, only most things! Good luck! Granny Pants

Emily - posted on 02/26/2010

That's how we are too, Kristen. Most nights my son is in bed by 9 or 10, but sometimes it's earlier or later, depending on if/when he napped and what his activity level was that day. I don't go to bed at the same time every night either. Sometimes I'm tired at 8pm, sometimes I'm not tired until midnight. If I try to force myself to go to bed before I'm tired, I end up just laying there awake. My son is the same way. It's just not worth the battle to me. When I put him to bed when he's actually tired, not just because of a time on the clock, he goes to sleep much easier and much more peacefully.

Kristen - posted on 02/26/2010

Not watching the clock and letting it govern our lives is not the same as letting our kids run rampant. IMO it actually means being more sensitive and in tune with the needs of our children (as Emily pointed out in the post above), and responding appropriately. Just because some nights my children are in bed at 8:30 and sometimes they're in bed at 9:30 doesn't mean that I'm not meeting their needs, or neglecting their care in some way - it means that I know that 8:30 doesn't always work for my daughter, especially when she's had a nap, or that 9:30 may be way too late for her another night. We *generally* put her to bed about 8:30, but we're adjustable :o)

Emily - posted on 02/26/2010

I wanted to add one of the reasons I dislike schedules is that they are based on clocks... which are merely man-made estimations of time.. whereas our bodies are more in tune with circadian rhythms, which are affected by things like amount of daylight, hormones, etc. I for one know I sleep much longer in the winter than the summer. I have no doubt our children are affected by these things too, and I try to be sensitive to what my children's needs are. Using the clock to tell you how to parent I think is just not accurate. 8pm one day is not the same as 8pm the next day.



Of course there will be a time when the clock is important to their lives. But why indoctrinate them in that now before it's necessary. For example, my son will start preschool in the fall. Of course I will guide him to an appropriate bedtime when the time comes. But for now I think it's better for his sleep health for me to be sensitive to what his body actually needs, not just by what my clock says. That's just one example, but my point is that clocks are artificial. Our bodies know what they need and it's our job to figure out what our (and our children's) bodies need. And children's needs change so much.. to stick to one schedule doesn't take into account those changes.

Kristen - posted on 02/26/2010

Well said, Emily. Believe me, my daughter (and my son too as he ages - he's only 10 months) hears, "No!" I'm a rational human being that knows a kid can't govern their own lives without guidance and still be healthy, physically, mentally and spiritually. Just because I'm not into rigidity doesn't mean that I allow poor behavior!

My daughter is well-adjusted, very social, socializes VERY well with adults and children alike, well-spoken, communicates her needs and feelings better and in a more appropriate way (most of the time, hehe) than most adults I know, is very smart, kind, loving, and well, wonderful! I don't hide the truth of the world from her, but I teach her appropriate coping skills so she can handle it maturely when it's her time - but NOW is not her time! She deserves a childhood :o)

Emily - posted on 02/26/2010

Christina, I'm just going to have to respectfully disagree with you. I think children feel secure by getting their needs met. Not necessarily by doing things at the same time each and every day.



And I think you misunderstand. Not having a schedule does NOT mean that you give your child what he/she wants all the time.



Also, many of us are here not "new moms." I'm a little offended you think we are not being parents simply because we don't schedule everything. You have the wrong idea entirely.

Kristen - posted on 02/26/2010

And I have to say, call it want you want, ritual or schedule, it doesn't create the freedom you say - that sounds a LOT like Ezzo, which goes completely against AP. I'm not saying that there isn't some level of security in understanding your surroundings and day, but that can come just as easily - no, MORE easily and with better results - from the constant that is the loving parent responding to the childs needs.

Kristen - posted on 02/26/2010

I definitely believe that children like a sort of routine and will naturally fall into some semblence of one, but I am SOOOO with you on the schedule thing. Are we, as adults, always hungry at the same time and to the same degree each day? Do we always want to get up or go to bed at the exact same time? Nope! We have routines, to be sure, and if you're a working adult, your life probably is on more of a forced schedule, but consider this - don't you resent it at times? Wouldn't you prefer more freedom?

The fact of the matter is this - babies grow and change so quickly, that even if they do fit into one schedule for a time, their needs change so rapidly that soon that schedule will not fit their sleep and feeding needs. It's just a fact! Then the schedule has to change, only to be replaced by a new schedule within a couple of months...it's a vicious cycle that creates stress for both parents and children.

Better to let them be kids while they can be. Teach them, by all means about respect, patience, kindness and obedience, but don't stress yourselves out trying to constantly adhere to some schedule that restricts human behavior, instincts, and needs.

Christina - posted on 02/25/2010

What a great opportunity for me to share with you new moms about a child's needs for a schedule. It may make you feel better to think of events that you do at the same time every day as rituals. Rituals are valuable to children for several reasons. First of all, rituals create security. Rituals allow a child to relax in their worlds because they know when predictable events such as meal times, walks, story time, naps, bath and bedtime all occur. Knowing these events will occur frees them up to be in charge of the things that they should be in charge of, not in the things they shouldn't.

Please remember that each of your children live in a world filled with schedules. Because of this, they NEED to know how to handle them. Their first three years of life is when they are establishing their understanding of how the world works.

While a nursing baby feeding "on-demand" is without a perceived schedule, this too, can be gently shifted to more of a schedule after the milk supply has been well-established, though during growth spurts, a baby will need to up their frequency to up the milk supply.

With a lifetime of experience with children from every angle with my own and others and in the classroom, I would like to recommend to you that you appreciate that you are the parent. A parent's role is to guide their children into becoming a capable adult someday, not to give a child whatever they want when they want it. We show our love to our children by creating a world where they can eventually succeed in life.

A child's free time to play, to decide what to play with, what to read, who to talk to, what to create are the things they have control over. The other necessities are the job of the parents. Of course, children who have been allowed to fully be in charge of themselves will rebel at first with these rituals that occur at the same time every day, but in time, they will learn to appreciate them. Remember that a predictable, dependable schedule creates security for a child. A rigid schedule that does not allow for plenty of free play time is not healthy either. We in the US seem to follow extremes and forget the healthy balance of the middle road.

Please give your child the best chance in life by being the parent. When a child goes to bed at the same time every night (preferrably before 8pm), the parents also have a predictable, dependable time every evening for themselves to unwind, enjoy each other, take care of little things, and be more recharged and positive the next day to handle their children. You see, this is a win-win for all! Parents in charge and children are allowed to be children!

Brenda - posted on 02/25/2010

People like to order things that can't be ordered. And we have such an issue with just letting things "be". Never do schedules, its all up to the kiddoes.

Emily - posted on 02/24/2010

It just really bothers me that the whole "schedule" thing seems to be ingrained in our culture.. and so many people just assume that's what babies HAVE to do. It boggles my mind how many books are out there about getting your babies on schedules. And those dumb "Bringing Home Baby" shows always ask the moms whether their babies are on schedules "yet." As if it's just the expected thing that parents do. I honestly think some moms just don't know there are other ways.

Katherine - posted on 02/24/2010

Nope, I don't adhere to a schedule, more like a 'routine.' My 2 girls also eat when they are hungry and sleep when they are tired. Common sense ay? I love when they say "Should I start a schedule with my 6wk old?" REALLY? Some women are just misinformed and haven't read enough.

Geralyn - posted on 02/24/2010

I agree, too. We do things around the same time every day, but not because of a schedule. I do want my son to have good time management skills some day, but not a 22 months! I think the schedule may be more for the convenince of the mothers.

Fiona - posted on 02/24/2010

I agree, I feel so green when I hear mothers talking about their strict schedules, I even know one mum who uses the word 'regime'. I always wondered if it was because this was my first child that I was having difficulty adjusting and coping and that was why I couldn't figure out a schedule that my son would 'follow'. I remember reading about the whole Eat, Activity, Sleep, repeat schedule and thinking... but sometimes my son will nurse to sleep, sometimes he wants to be rocked to sleep, sometimes he wakes up and just plays for ages before showing hunger, so where does that leave us in trying to establish this?



Having said that, we have a kind of routine to the day. But nothing ever happens at exactly the same time and it always depends on where we are or what we are doing. My son obviously has his own internal clock and that over time seems to have regulated somewhat to my boyfriends and my own, but why would I try and force him to do something he is not ready to do just because 'it is time'?