What are your thoughts on spanking?

Miriam - posted on 12/06/2012

People who spank sometimes say, "My parents spanked me and I turned out okay" but the fact is that if you were spanked and you think spanking is okay then to me that looks like hitting leads to hitting. It's not okay to hit the dog, it's not okay to hit people with alzheimers, it's not okay to hit other adults who do what we don't like them to do, so why is it okay to hit children. Bosses can't hit employees even if they make HUGE mistakes. Teachers don't hit kids in school most of the time. If they do a holy stink is made about it and teachers get fired. So how is it okay for a parent to hit a child? It seems arbitrary and inconsistent to me.

Barbara - posted on 12/06/2012

I seldom spanked my now 15-y-o daughter, a quick swat on the tush when words weren't working.

I always regretted the swat then and still do to this day because for the most part she was a very well behaved kid, receiving praise from store personnel and even other customers when we went shopping. I'm not criticizing those who utilize this wisely, just posting a personal preference.



You are 100% right about the teen years. They are filled with their own set of issues from body image to clothes, to boys, to language, to hormone-filled mood swings. Prepare yourself, some parents sail through without much issue, others have to cope with the storms of adolescence. We have had our trials through the first part of this time of life and I am learning that choosing my battles with her is the best strategy along with positive reinforcement when rules are observed and withdrawal of privileges when they aren't. I wouldn't even consider a swat on the tush now, feeling as I did before and believing she is well past that time of life.

Paula - posted on 12/06/2012

I have 4 children, the first 3 were given spankings (my definition of spanking is 3 paddles on the behind) and the last was not. The rule of discipline in my home (even married I was the one raising my children as my ex was out of town 3 out of 4 weeks a month) first you are asked, then you are told, the third time I have to address it there is the consequence of discipline. The punishment served the "crime". For example if they kept running out of the yard into the street, they had to stay in the house for the day. If they were having a temper tantrum and spanking (as defined above) was given. I have left the grocery store in the middle of shopping when the child would not stop wanting stuff and kept asking for things. When I said no and a temper tantrum errupted, I grapped them and we headed out. Time outs may work for some children and my 3rd daughter was one. My 2nd daughter you just had to raise your voice and she was good to change the behaviuor. My son well he needed the spankings at first but it was quickly understood the consequences of temper tantrums, disrespect and didn't have to use this method very much.



I was in the middle of a divorce when my last daughter was 2 and my ex had me investigated for child abuse because I threatend to spank her for her temper tantrums and disobedience. Well the lawyers suggested I do not discipline her through spanking and do a time out etc. Hmmm so she is now 11 and I have had nothing by disrespect and poor behaviour from her. My first three children could go anywhere, and people loved having us over because they were so polite and well behaved. Now this is not the same with my last child. As a parent it is embarrasing and very sad. I have a hard time with my boyfriend of four years because he struggles with how hard it is to deal with her and he seems my distress. She is a lot better since the divorce but we are talking years of her pushing and seeing how far she can go. I have my moments but now she is at an age where spanking isn't an option. She is still go a long way to go and when I see how different the behaviour is from the first three and the difference was how the discipline was admininstered. As for the divorce being a factor, I am sure someone will blame this, however if this was so, than the discipline behaviours of the other 3 older children would have changed and they did not. I also will qualify I do not spank my children when I was angry. They were told that I was going to spank them and the three taps on the bum kept it consistent.

K. - posted on 12/06/2012

I've said it before and I will say it again. My husband and I have both spanked our kids. I'm not talking about beating them, I'm not talking about the most ridiculous act of pulling down their pants and undies (sorry, but that screams sexual assault to me) and giving them a good whooping. I'm simply talking about a firm swat on the butt when necessary.



No child is perfect, therefore no parent is perfect. Things work for some that don't work for others. But the argument that spanking leads to violence it ridiculous in my opinion. I had been spanked as a child. Never had my mother (or God forbid, my stepfather) pulled down my pants to carry out the punishment, as one woman who posted claimed she had.) My sister and I were just swatted on the butt. But that was ALL IT TOOK. We not only respected our mom, but we respected our stepdad as well. Not because we thought he would hit us, but because we knew him and our mom were a team.



Age was most definitely another factor. There came a time when we obviously were't children anymore. But at the time of our no doubt impending adulthood, I couldn't recall the last time my mom had to spank me. Spanking to me was for children. Get it out of the way then, and chances are you wouldn't need to resort to that when they're older. I respected not only my mother, but my stepfather too. I grew up. And I grew up OK.



As to my children, like I've posted before, we've felt the need to spank them. It wasn't my first choice, just like it hadn't been my mom's first choice. But it was what it was. We swatted on the arse, she was shocked, the shock value has not worn off, and it's been 4 years. It's been 4 years since either my husband or I have had to "spank" our oldest daughter. Was spanking the catalyst that led to perfect behavior? Who knows. All I know is that she is a perfectly reasonable child. No discipline was ever truly necessary with her. Now will all this "perfect" childhood lead to a crazy life with my oldest as a teen? We have yet to find out. But I have a feeling I can't get off that lucky, and the maddness has yet to come lol. ;)

Henry - posted on 12/05/2012

I think that children should get spanked after they are told that their behavior is wrong.

Miriam - posted on 12/02/2012

How you can manage to strike someone "with love" is beyond me and 18 months is an age when being hit will not make a single bit of sense. Hitting children will not make them less likely to be in trouble with the law. I've seen the opposite happen in real life.

Chana - posted on 12/01/2012

thank you. I am doing well now and in a loving and supportive marriage. I do not spank my children and I do not spoil them. I wish moms who spank would take the time to reconsider and employ nonviolent discipline.

Barbara - posted on 12/01/2012

I think this is each parents personal choice. I did spank my daughter after the age of about 3 (she is now 15) when she continually ignored me or obstinately did what she wanted to after I had told her 'no' several times. Looking back, the spankings really didn't help but they did make me feel terrible about swatting her on the butt. From a purely retrospective point of view, I wish I had never spanked her even once. As an adult, it's my job to find another disciplinary tool to correct behavior that wasn't welcome. Involvement for us was always the key, picking her up, tickling her tummy, distracting her from stuff she wanted to get into (the dogs water bowl, mom's sewing stuff) and that could be harmful. When some of these didn't work, time out, time out, time out. I realized that by the time I got to the spanking part, I was frustrated. It wasn't as much about disciplining her as it was about venting my frustration at not getting her to comply. When I realized this I felt terrible about swatting her butt and decided I had to change tactics. Kids learn so much from us and I don't want my daughter to react to frustration by physical means

Suzy - posted on 12/01/2012

Each child is different, i am shpcked at people tht openly admit the spank a toddler! i on occassion maybe 3/4 times a year spank my son he is 13, I wouldnt never ever ever spank a toddler! people sayin about spanking 1 year old OMG

Tammy - posted on 12/01/2012

So sorry for what you went through Chana. I hope things have turned around for you & you are now happy & cared for the way you deserve. -hug-

Chana - posted on 12/01/2012

forgot to mention: after my divorce, I sought out the BDSM community and engaged in dangerous activity until I was able to grasp the concept of love without pain. Please don't spank. Redirect.

Chana - posted on 12/01/2012

Never ever spank your child. I cannot stress this enough. My parents used corporal punishment and I ended up in a series domestic violence relationships. As your child grows, you will be able to guide them verbally, explaining why he must not behave poorly.

Robbyn - posted on 11/29/2012

For all the mothers that have decided that spanking works, based on short term results, check out what the researchers are telling us about the long-term effects that you can't immediately see.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pla...



or http://stopspanking.org/interviews/



It is a lot like smoking. The negative outcomes are just as consistent, and the negative outcomes occur later on. We have to trust the research! The risks are too great not to.

Julie - posted on 11/29/2012

I personally believe spanking is ok if it is done in the best interest while of course letting the child know. Example . If my child dose something that I know warrants a spanking and not just a simple talking to ..I get on my child level and look my child in the eyes while I calmly explain to my child the reasons why the following actions would be taken. I would then spank my child give the child some time to cry it out then have another conversation with that child about what just happened and why it happened . Its not a conversation of comfort but a conversation of reassuring that child ..he or she action is not acceptable and this would be a potential choice of punishment if it happens again. Never correct any child without explaining to them why they are being corrected even if you have to explain the reason for the correction over and over.

Robbyn - posted on 11/27/2012

People say, "I was spanked, and I turned out OK." What does that even mean?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdpTJ14IFr0

Angelique - posted on 11/27/2012

@Miriam. I certainly wasn't trying to imply that spanking is the only way to instill fear/respect in a child, however I just can't agree that a certain level of fear isn't necessary in parenting. Maybe your definition of fear and mine are being used differently? I'm not talking about fear in the sense they are afraid of being hurt but more in the sense of being afraid to hurt you by doing the wrong thing. Like I said before my youngest has been spanked yet has very little "fear" of being in trouble. He's a very head strong, stubborn child - my toughest out of the three. But he's also the most mature intellectually. Spanking doesn't work for him because he simply doesn't care about the sting it may have. He's much more concerned about doing the right thing than the wrong and he's very self-aware of his actions. Generally you can just discuss what he did with him and he'll work very hard at correcting the behavior. But it seems to be based more on how he feels than how it makes someone feel. He doesn't like to rock the boat - he is who he is. And because he's seriously so tough minded spanking don't make him feel any worse about what he did vs a discussion/time-out etc. So we don't use them. I'm a huge believer in doing what works for you and your family. I generally won't judge because I know that every child is different and every family dynamic is different. The fact that you have a child on the autism spectrum means you know this better than anyone...you can't judge anyone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. I'm not much of a yelled but when I do they know they've crossed the line...it always induces a quick apology. I am very strong willed and seem to have passed it on to each of my children, which can make for a very difficult household sometimes! We've had to really learn to deal with each offense in a way that makes sense.

Miriam - posted on 11/27/2012

Angelique, I love the last line of your post, "Unless you suspect abuse I'm sure the family is doing all right without your judgement." It goes both ways. My children seem to want my approval and my love but I do not think they fear me. I don't spank them. They want me to think of them as good people. They don't want to lose privileges and they want me to trust them. So despite not spanking, they respect me. My kids know that my credit card number is attached to some of their game accounts but NEVER ONCE have they used that to get something without asking me first. My kids ask me, "Is it okay if I..." About a lot of things. Even things I wouldn't ever forbid. They want to make sure I approve because they care what I think. They know I won't hit them. They do know I yell sometimes in times of great stress. I never call names. If I yell it's usually, "I DO NOT LIKE WHAT YOU ARE DOING!" I prefer not to do that, even. But I think all parents get frustrated sometimes. My daughter is very sensitive and told the school counselor that I yelled at her because she didn't get ready for school in time and the counselor told her, "I'm not surprised. Your mom is working very hard and it gets stressful and overwhelming when you don't do your share of the work." She knows me very well and knows I don't like to yell. She calls me "supermom" and "warrior mom" and "super empathetic". She also helps me see where I need to set boundaries if I'm having trouble with that. I don't try to do all of this alone and I think that makes me a better parent. I've had to seek a lot of help because my son has an autism spectrum disorder. My son is 15 now and is very sweet and kind and mostly respectful. He has his moments as all teenagers do, but they are few and far between. My daughter can get more stroppy (great british slang term that sort of describes that teenager knows everything and adults know nothing attitude.). My daughter loses more privileges and also doesn't get to be around me if she's rude. She hates that because really she wants me with her ALL THE TIME! She's 12 and sometimes so grown up and other times so much a little girl. The thing is, her worst behavior usually happens immediately before she gets a fever. It's like she doesn't feel right but can't really put words to it. She's just cranky. Then she has a huge fever and I feel bad for being so frustrated with her because getting cranky like that is still a symptom even though she's 12.



I tend to look for causes of behavior and functions of behavior and then I change the environment or I work on the causes and change my responses to the behavior. So if my kids are refusing to go to bed and it seems like they want attention I try to give them extra attention earlier and less attention after bedtime. Last night this went extremely well. All computers were off by 9pm. All screen time was suspended. First the kids were unhappy. Then my daughter said, "Let's go play with my rats!" She has pet rats. So we all went up and set up our pet playpen (it's a huge homemade thing) then got in and played. It was a very relaxing and beautiful thing that I know both my kids enjoy. So do the rats. LOL. It wasn't long before everyone was in bed.

Angelique - posted on 11/27/2012

@Nichole. Yes, I want my children to fear me. Not an unhealthy fear but fear me enough that they respect my rules. If your child isn't fearful of you in any regard what do you think will keep them from making choices they know you would disapprove of? They're great love and respect for you? Were you not a teenager who thought they knew it all? I was raised in a no-spank home - I had zero fear of my parents and about as much respect for their wishes. I have a great relationship with them now and I turned out fine but my point is that not spanking isn't always the best discipline method. I have 3 and they are very unique in their personalities, as they should be. Spanking was a good choice for #1&2, but my 3rd is a whole other story. We've had to get creative with him...lots of trial and error. He doesn't fear anything, even his father and I. But spanking didnt instill it so again not every child will react in the same way to ANY form of discipline. I think the worst thing you can do is not discipline at all but other than that do what works for your own children and don't worry about the mom next door who chooses a different method. Unless you suspect abuse I'm sure the family is doing all right without your judgement.

Miriam - posted on 11/23/2012

Rhonda, I totally agree. Oh and my sister is a Jehovah's Witness and they interpret the spare the rod quote as meaning use the rod to point the way in guidance. Some people also interpret it as meaning that you SHOULD spare the rod AND spoil the child rather than thinking Spare the rod (don't hit them) and you WILL spoil the child.



Brenda, I do try not to judge and I'm sure a lot of my friends and neighbors have spanked their kids. I think there is risk in spanking because it can and does get carried too far. There's a fine line I think and some parents cross it.



I don't think spanking sends the message to kids that people think it sends. Maybe sometimes it says exactly what the spanker thinks it does. The thing is, when adults do something wrong nobody spanks them and spanking doesn't fly in the workplace and if someone works with kids and spanks them it is considered a heinous act by most. I always felt like I wanted to come up with better ways that had fewer risks.

Brenda - posted on 11/23/2012

I dont spank my kids . I have no need to. I must say my kids are pretty awesome and my husband and i have taught them to respect people and to always try to do what is right. They are kids though and will never be perfect just like adults are not perfect. Even though we do not spank i feel no need to judge someone who does or someone who doesnt for that matter. I do think though that some people are getting spanking a child and beating a child confused. They are not the same thing. My dad beat us as kids. What i here most parents saying is that they give there child a smack on the bum or a tap on there fingers. That is not beating a child. What works for one child may not work for another. I have some friends who spank there kids and i also have some friends who do not. I would say for the most part both sides have perfectly normal kids. I here alot of judging going on and to me thats not right. If you do not spank or child or even if you do spank your child you have no idea what kind of damage that is or isnt doing to the child. As for the parents who are reading books and hearing what spanking can do to the child, doesnt necessary make it true. They are just books with peoples views just like all of the views people have been giving on this subject.

Rhonda - posted on 11/23/2012

i have to agree about children being equal , they are highly inteligent at birth , observing and absorbing everything . learning what they finaly get to see what they have been listenning to while in the womb . i'll bet they understand the language of thier parents when they are born or at least enough to know whats going on . knowing how smart they are i don't think a child would learn to associate the pain of spanking and probably yelling , one follows the other . i think it sends a mixed message . kids have a reason for acting out .

as for spairing the rod and spoiling the child , i think is a metphore for something more like be firm and persistant and consistant , with love , kindness and respect . i don't think it means to beat your children with a rod .

J - posted on 11/23/2012

this is what we do after when talking and time out don't work.

Miriam - posted on 11/23/2012

Rhonda, I love your parenting ideas. I didn't get mine from the Bible because I'm not a Christian. I also do know people who somehow translate the bible in a way that says you HAVE to hit your kids. I don't get that at all but then I'm not all that familiar with the Bible. I do know that most, if not all, religions as well as non-religious people believe we should treat others as we wish to be treated. I don't know why children don't qualify as "others" in this equation for some people.



My favorite discipline book, though, is by Dr. Sears. It's called The Discipline Book. It includes a lot of information specifically for Christians who are torn between the ideas of having to hit and not hitting. Dr. Sears is very much on the side of not hitting. He is also realistic about the fact that there will be people who feel they absolutely must spank and for them he includes some rules for making spanking as instructive and non-damaging as is possible. But mostly he focuses on gentle parenting and discipline through guidance.

Rhonda - posted on 11/23/2012

It is never ok to spank, hit, pop, whack, tap, or any other million words you could come up with to use in place of abusing your child children need to be taught with love and kindness, you need to take a class and take tests to drive a car , but anyone can have a baby. They need mommy and daddy licenses, and when people say my child wasnt born with a manual, well yes they were born with a manual, its call The Bible, everything you need to know about your little angel is in there, for everytime of strife,stress, trouble, or doubt, just look it up your guidence is there. Iam not an overly religous person but I do beleive in the powers that be and devine intervention is most definately the way for your most precious ones.Bless your babies and give them the love and understanding they deserve.

Miriam - posted on 11/20/2012

Kristal, I sure haven't blamed anyone for anything. All I do is tell my story. As for children and their behavior at school. Some are better at school and some are worse, much worse. The ones who are worse at school respond to what I do when other things have not worked. Children vary in their impulse control as well as their tolerance for sensory input.



Spankers think that non-spankers do nothing. Some non-spankers do nothing. I think that is neglect. My children definitely don't get to misbehave, not even my autistic son. They each learn differently but I don't just let them run wild. The difference between the non-spankers who get results and the ones who don't may be that the ones who don't, do nothing. Having said that, however, you just can't judge other parents without knowing the whole story. How does help a parent who has a child with an invisible disability (LIKE AUTISM WHICH ISN'T ALWAYS OBVIOUS AT FIRST) to judge them based on their child's behavior. No doubt everyone has bad days and clearly if people feel they have to spank at all then their children ARE misbehaving at some point, so how about when you are at your absolute worst, exhausted, and you HAVE to be out doing something and have the kids along and you can't get them to behave, I come along and judge you for that. If people are going to judge me for what I do shouldn't I be able to judge as well? I don't. It's not ME. I have friends who do all different things and live all different ways and I'm the most tolerant and accepting person you will encounter. I am surrounded by parents who are constantly overwhelmed by their autistic children and I would NEVER judge them because they're always struggling. We love our kids just like they are but we have to worry about things like our children running in traffic, endangering themselves. No amount of hitting will MAKE them understand. Oh people have tried. Autistic children end up DEAD. So you guys can all go and spank to your heart's content if you're comfortable with that. If you're okay with doing something painful to your child by all means, go ahead but do not judge other parents for NOT spanking. Don't use your little every day stories to justify spanking because those stories are more complicated than just people not spanking.

Kristal - posted on 11/20/2012

Miriam spankers are sick of being blamed for all the problems people have. It works both ways.. I know alot of people that dont spank and their children are great wonderful children.. I also know alot of people that spank that have great wonderful children.. It is merely how ANY discpline is carried out and how the child is taught.. Many children are taught coping skills even if their parents use spanking as a means of discpline.. As far as you being a lunch/recess monitor that is great but honestly children are usually very diffrent at school than at home and will react diffrently there than in their own enviroments..

Miriam - posted on 11/20/2012

Sasha Smith, my children have never been spanked and they also would never be so disrespectful. You DO NOT KNOW the cause of that child's misbehavior. Perhaps it was more that the mother did NOTHING rather than that she didn't spank him. How many times do I have to say this?!! I have a 15 year old son who is so amazing and wonderful despite some pretty overwhelming obstacles. He has asperger syndrome. Understanding people has always been hard for him but he works SO SO HARD and everyone who works with him compliments me on my parenting and that spanking him would have led to increased behavior issues rather than reducing them. I have been told by other parents that my daughter (age 12) is of good character. I've been asked by other parents how I get her to behave so well. Her teachers LOVE her. So maybe spanking works for you. Whatever. My methods work for me. I am SICK of people blaming NON spanking for all the problems in the world.



I work as a lunch/recess monitor at an elementary school. In my state schools NEVER spank the children EVER. I'd get FIRED if I did. I manage to work with kids and help them improve behavior in the 30 minutes/day I have them with me and it is ALL with positive means. ALL OF IT! I help them learn coping strategies to help with frustration. I jump in when I can see they're about to lose it and help them navigate the situation with SPECTACULAR results. I do the same things with my own children. I don't know why people who spank feel the need to raise themselves up and blame non-spankers for everything.



Oh, and I know someone who spanked and whose child ended up in prison. Who will you blame for that? Me?! Sorry, I wasn't there when it happened.

Sasha - posted on 11/20/2012

Spanking isn't abuse

It's a light smack to the bottom is all

If it was abuse, it would be illegal, and that's just silly. I'm not a law-breaker, lol.

But on a more serious note, my children are 8 and 13 girls, so I don't spank them really anymore, although I did when they were younger, only as a last resort. For instance if I had told them not to do something numerous times and they were disrespecting me or another grownup, they'd first get a time-out, then a scolding, then lose privileges, and then I'd spank, and just a couple of soft smacks, hard enough so the child knows it's there but not so hard it leaves marks or hurts, because THAT'S child abuse.

I don't really think children would go good without spanking because children these days are very hard to control and without spanking they can become a little spoiled. For instance, I have a "friend" who NEVER spanks her spoiled 9 yr old son. We were at a wedding, and one of the guests pinched her son's cheeks in a motherly, "your adorable" way, and he yelled, "STOP! I'M NOT A BABY, MISSY!" I was shocked, but his mother merely said, "Oh, he didn't mean that," and laughed it off. Not good at all. I would've given him a good spank right there if I could.

Brandi - posted on 11/20/2012

Psychologists say that spanking children causes personality disorders (depression, anxiety, etc.) later in life. I have spanked my children and they are better children because of it. My step daughter on the other hand had never been spanked up until I came along and she is just about out of control.

Kristal - posted on 11/20/2012

RObbyn what you said is completley true..if you are beating your child they are going to experience a fight or fight reaction.. They will release stress hormones which are released normally in any situation where you are feeling stressed or need to make a very fast reaction...

Spanking is not going to make your child resent and/or fear you in any way...Beating your child will..I think people who are not spankers dont understand what a spanking really is...My children all love me. Just yesterday my daughter wrote" mom i love you" on top of my oatmeal container that I take to work in the morning.. My five year old is always in my lap snuggling with me..Children can learn they know what happens when they do a certain behavior and its unpleasent so they are less likely to repeat said behavior...Children and adults are diffrent diffrent brains diffrent reactions..If people are not talking to their children and explaining why they are being punished, what is expected of them and why said behavior was wrong the child will percieve they are being abused then yes it can cause children to have the idea they are having to fight or flight.. same goes for any discipline if you just snatch a toy out of a childs hand and send them to their rooms with no explanation do u think they are going to trust you??? NO. they wont understand why they are being punished..

Robbyn - posted on 11/20/2012

Miriam, I love that you have a sense of humor with your kids. It is a very light-hearted way of admitting to them that you feel stressed to and that sometimes we just drive each other crazy.



Hitting doesn't work. It only gives parents a temporary feeling that they have been able to control (stop) the child's behavior.



Neuroscience describes spanking as a brain bath, or in other words it's like being under water at a pool, you can hear people talking on the pool deck, but you cannot understand what they are saying. So if you, the parent, are trying to 'teach your child a lesson' by spanking them, literally they cannot learn with corporal punishment.



Because the minute a child feels that painful stimulus they release stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol, bringing on the brain bath and the child in turn only wants to avoid the source of that pain (the parent) and or resent the parent who is administering the pain. This in turn confuses the child because the object of their great affection (attachment) is also someone to fear and someone whose touch they cannot trust.

Miriam - posted on 11/20/2012

To keep myself from hitting my kids, and believe me, it's a struggle sometimes, I give myself time-outs and I don't ignore behavior that annoys me. My rule is that if something makes me feel like lashing out, I need to do something. Sometimes I can just say, "That is really annoying me." Now that my kids are older (15 and 12 years old) I can say, "That is making me want to hit you." Which has actually become a big joke that seems to break the tension. It's even more useful to say something completely ridiculous like, "I'm gonna have to poke you in the eye with a sharp stick!" Which my kids KNOW is a joke. My kids actually LIKE being around me so if I'm really stressed because they won't do as I ask I tell them, "I don't want to be around you when you do that." Then I leave the room.



My own parents probably did the best they could but didn't have very good coping skills so there was a lot of hitting in anger including using switches (skinny sticks) and my dad's belt and even slapping in the face. Sure it's open-handed, but in the FACE?! Anyway, it's what their parents did, I expect, but without the added misery of alcoholism (my dad). So I was raised with some violence. I do not want that in my house and I feel that any kind of hitting is wrong. Even if "spanking" (which is still hitting) isn't damaging, it can go further, can escalate. Spanking, when it doesn't work, often leads to more forceful hitting or other physical punishments.

Jenny - posted on 11/19/2012

Hi personally i could never smack any of my children as i dont believe it helps the situation at all.If your child has been naughty and then you punish them by smacking them then it will just make the whole situation ten times worse crying, tantrums etc Also i worry that if you are that angry that you would smack your child then you may not be aware of how hard you are smacking them. I look at it as you wouldnt smack your friends or a stranger in the street if they did something to annoy you so why would you smack a young child. There are other ways of disciplining and punishing your children

Robbyn - posted on 11/18/2012

For those spanking moms that are open to not spanking, but don't really know what else works, check out Alfie Kohn's book, "Unconditional Parenting, Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason." He has a DVD too.



There are a lot of parenting groups online that really help moms find alternatives. They are usually labelled "Unconditional Parenting," or "Attachment Parenting." A lot of times the groups are closed, so you have to request to join, which is easy. I find the mothers to be incredibly supportive of each other in solving problems and offering advice and sometimes just a supportive attitude. I've learned a great deal from these mothers.



You have to get to the point where you say to yourself, "I don't want to hit my child anymore." When you reach that point, a whole new world opens up.

Miriam - posted on 11/18/2012

I made the plan prior to having children that I would not spank. My husband was in agreement. That makes it easier for someone like me who did not have a great childhood and whose parents went over the line. It is extremely hard to break that programming. I have a psych degree and classwork in developmental psychology. That classwork gave some practical ideas on how to make non-spanking work and reasons why it was the best way to go so I was already on this path long before my head strong, often non-compliant children were born I was ready. They are much more compliant now than when younger. This is a bit miraculous with adolescent/teenaged children but so far, so good. My children know it makes me feel sad when they make bad choices and they don't want me to be sad. I don't want them to be sad either. It works for us.

Morgan - posted on 11/18/2012

That's great Miriam, I respect that, good for you! One of my kids is very compliant and two aren't so much. I could choose not to spank, I doubt I would raise them to be horrible people if I didn't, but it's what many people are comfortable using. There's more than one way to skin a cat.

Miriam - posted on 11/18/2012

I'm glad you feel good about your experiences. A sore butt is definitely not the worst thing that can happen. I still don't understand why anyone would want to cause their child any sort of pain. It happens sometimes. People accidentally hurt each other all the time. I just wouldn't want to intentionally inflict pain on my children. I use other methods and have had tremendous success with them so I know it is possible. Both of my children are very strong-willed and I have never spanked them. My daughter's teachers all tell me how wonderful she is and smart and capable even though she is easily stressed. Her behavior at school and other people's houses is so good I often get compliments on my parenting. Here are some quotes, "Your daughter is of good character." "She's amazing and has a spark of intelligence I rarely see in other children." "How do you get her to behave so well?"



My son is more complicated because he has Asperger Syndrome. That's an autism spectrum disorder. He is 15 and doing extremely well. His teachers adore him and tell me he is an interesting character whose behavior has steadily improved as he has matured. He is anxious, can't always communicate, has trouble understanding what people want him to do. He always works very hard. I've been told he is a joy to work with despite the things that are difficult for him. I've been told he is kind, sensitive and EMPATHETIC! Wow, an autistic kid with empathy that other people notice! I think kids on the autism spectrum are actually extremely empathetic to the point of it stressing them. It causes them to shut down or have behavior issues. My son once saw a man hit his toddler so hard it caused her feet to leave the ground. It upset him so much! We've been told he WILL go to college if we can just get him to independence by the time he's ready.

Morgan - posted on 11/18/2012

I'm sorry, having been on the other end I just don't think a sore butt is the worst thing that can happen to a kid, by a long distance. I learned from it and still revere my mom and dad.

Miriam - posted on 11/18/2012

Why do you people want to HURT your kids?! Okay, even IF it's not abuse, why? Have you really tried EVERYTHING else?

Morgan - posted on 11/18/2012

If a spanking isn't on the bare butt, it's not a spanking. How does it even hurt with pants on?

Robbyn - posted on 11/17/2012

There is a fine line between spanking and abuse, a very, very fine line, because they actually are the same thing. Just different gradients of pain and abuse. The parents who are so vehemently defending the "lesser" degrees of spanking (hitting) are only leading the way for the parents who take it just a step further with bare bottoms and belts. Until we give up hitting children altogether, parents will continue to feel confused and will continue to use abuse in small doses thinking that child abuse is the other parents, the ones who "take it too far." As soon as you raise your hand, you have taken it too far. And threats are the same.



Let's raise our skills, not our hands. There are many educational sites that show alternatives that have been proven to work. Attachment parenting, positive discipline, unconditional parenting. Just google these words and get educated. Hitting children is a barbaric practice that belongs in the past.

K. - posted on 11/15/2012

Oh dear, I'm all in favor for a swat on the butt when necessary, but to depants them and bend them over your knee? How horrible, humiliating, and degrading. And they are getting bigger than you now? Are you still going to have your husand hold down his essentially half dressed daughters when they're preteens? Teenagers? Sorry Marciau, but that's sick. I do hope you were joking.

Miriam - posted on 11/05/2012

Please don't judge parents whose kids bite, hit and cuss! You do NOT know the situation. Children with autism do not usually look disabled and yet they do all of these things. If they are verbal at all they repeat everything they hear and they often read earlier than most kids so if they see grafitti they repeat it without even knowing it's offensive. I know. I have a child with autism. He is 15 now and has matured and grown a lot. He doesn't hit and bite and kick. He does still cuss sometimes but it doesn't all happen overnight. He hasn't gotten in trouble in school this year which means he's controlling himself in that setting. You just don't know what might be happening with other kids and if you don't know, it's not your business to judge. You do whatever it is you think you need to do with your kids but stay away from mine. I have never ONCE hit my children and they are kind, respectful and empathetic. It takes longer for my son to learn things but there is an extremely good reason for that. Autistic people have differently wired brains. There are other disabilities that can cause these issues. They are all neurological issues and brain wiring issues. If I'd hit my child he'd have deteriorated, he'd be extremely aggressive and possibly in the criminal justice system now despite having a disability. The fact is, NOT hitting is exactly what he needs. All of the educators, doctors and therapists who have worked with him tell me he is wonderful to work with and that I have done a WONDERFUL job with him. They know I don't just LET him get away with things but I also haven't ever hit him.



Never, EVER judge parents when you see them out and about and their kids are exhibiting difficult behavior. You have NO CLUE what they might be going through. If it really is just bad parenting the people close to them know it and are probably trying to change things but to give parents grief when they're doing exactly what they should be doing and are still struggling with kids who need something different is cruel. I am a mom with an autistic child and I have SUFFERED CRUELTY due to the things my son does even though he clearly doesn't understand. If you can't be helpful GET OUT OF MY WAY! That is all.

Tammy - posted on 11/05/2012

I don't allow it either, but I don't hit them to teach them.

Levornia - posted on 11/05/2012

Yes I do believe in spanking "not beating" but spanking. I spanked my son on his thigh and behind with my hand when he was like 3 and 4 now he is 6 years and I don't have to . All I have to do is give him that look and say what I have to say 1 or 2 times. HOWEVER there are some kids that OMG need some straight old school training. I don't believe in letting your kids bite, hit, cuss or even putting your hands on your parents; and I see kids do this ALOT to their parents and their parent just allow it..not me.

Miriam - posted on 11/05/2012

Abuse of people who are in their senior years is a problem too. I'm thinking it's because the people in the caregiver role have not learned better ways to handle unacceptable behavior. I hope when I'm in my senior years I am not hit if I don't conform to other people's ideas of what is expected. It becomes more difficult with alzheimers and failing bodies, to follow directions and do what is expected. I hope that my children will take responsibility for some of my care even if that just means getting me into a long term care facility. I know they will have learned better ways to deal with any difficulties I have with compassion and gentleness because it is what they experienced at a similarly vulnerable time in their lives.

Tammy - posted on 11/05/2012

That's disgusting that you put them over your knee, bare bottomed? I'm *sorry* if that seems rude, but that's my genuine feeling, one of disgust. I really think if someone *doesn't* feel disgusted by that, they have issues. How do you expect them to respect their bodies, if you don't respect them (private parts)? ICK! You'll smack them till they behave? Does that mean you smack harder every time, if it's not working? The key is its not working. That's where abuse comes in, hitting harder, but my feeling is over knee bare bottomed is abuse. GROSS! Can't even imagine...

Miriam - posted on 11/05/2012

Kattis,

What is with the rudeness to people who don't do what you do? I can see that maybe you weren't hit often enough or hard enough because you don't seem to get that you can debate a thing without being nasty. I've never called anyone a bad parent even though I strongly disagree with them.



As for when to stop disciplining. I think it depends on the child. Parents continue to guide children well into their adult years even though punishment is not needed. For some us, guidance, is also discipline. Adult children come to their parents for advice sometimes.

Marciau - posted on 11/05/2012

Hi Lilla



I will carry on smacking my daughters until they learn to behave.

All I can say they do undress and present their bottoms over my knee on my command.

If they do not they know I will get their father in to hold them over if they do not get into position for a spanking.

As they are now getting bigger than me I will make them bend over soon.

Lilla - posted on 11/05/2012

Kattis and Marcia,



The last time my father hit me was when I was 18. It was the last time, because that was the first time I hit back. Yes, you heard it right, I punched him in the face! He never again dared to lay a hand on me. I only wish the same on you, your child standing up for themself and not taking the abuse anymore.