What are your thoughts on spanking?

[deleted account] ( 656 moms have responded )

I'm just wondering what the general thought is on this. You hear so many issues on it, what do you think about it with your kids? When do you start it, why, and what for? If you don't do it, why not?

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Robbyn Peters - posted on 10/27/2012

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Krystal,



Thank you for checking out the the http://stopspanking.org site and sending me a comment. I don't know your email, so I'm writing to you here.



The comment you made came directly to me, but I wish you would post it directly to the site to represent the other side of the argument. The place to make comments to the blog is at the very, very bottom of the site.



You are definitely not alone in your position, and I do want opposing points of view to be represented. I think you have a lot of valid comments, including the fact that spanking is just one of many factors negatively affecting children. It is very complex, to be sure.

Brenda - posted on 10/25/2012

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Spanking is completely different then beating your kids. A swat on the bum or on the fingers is not going to harm your child when they become adults. I think all parents have different ways of punishing there kids when they misbehave. What works for one child may not work for another.

Robbyn Peters - posted on 10/25/2012

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Kristal,

It is a tricky thing for me to say I disagree with spanking without it sounding like I am making a blanket judgment against you (or other mommies) personally. I am very sorry if you felt I was being rude. I have enormous respect for mothers, and really feel it is the most difficult job ever. The problem is, I don't feel it should be a personal choice, any more than I think a husband should have the "personal choice" to smack his wife. So it is a judgement, and I guess I can't get around that. I am sorry to have offended you.

Robbyn

Kristal - posted on 10/25/2012

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Oh and robbyn kids now what they do wrong when they get spanked and know they deserved that punishment for the behavior and do know their parents love them and are not abusing them.. If you drive to fast and get a ticket for speeding im sure you know you deserved it. Kids are smart and are pushing limits whenever they can.. if you can just be stern and that works great:)

Kristal - posted on 10/25/2012

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Triwan, I want to give definete Kudos:))) Thank you for sharing how wonderful your son is and now adays it really is hard to find kids that are well behaved and respectful, will open doors for you and are kind and generous.. I think you doing and have done a great job with your son

Robbyn and Tammy i too think you both are rude and disrepectful.. I wish you both would open you r minds and listen to what is being said to you.. I feel my parenting is not subpar or below optimal in any means.. I have great well behaved children. They do great in school are respectful for the most part, sometimes my 13 year old shows the ugly teenage head but I feel they are great kids.. Neither of you know what happens in my home or anyone elses for that matter and until you spend a day in it or Triwan or any other mother on here then I feel you have no room to judge.. And saying that people that spank have lower IQs well talk about ur generalizations. its like saying all mexicans are dirty( which im mexcian and am very clean and well kept and have a clean home). or something along those lines.. I wish you ladies the best of luck as this will be my last post.. And yes anythime you do any discipline you need to hug and love you child even when you dont you need to..

Robbyn Peters - posted on 10/25/2012

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There is a great deal of research. Here is a start. But you have to respect the scientific method in order to appreciate these studies. I have found that the people who argue against the research the most, are least likely to have even read it.



Here is a video that is easy to watch. I've read a great deal of the research, and this video is accurate.







Here is some research:

http://www.phoenixchildrens.com/PDFs/pri...

http://pubpages.unh.edu/~mas2/Cp98D%20CP...

http://tulane.edu/news/releases/pr_03122...

http://robbynpeters.files.wordpress.com/...

http://robbynpeters.files.wordpress.com/...



If you want more research, go to http://stopspanking.org



I don't think you have a right to raise your child any way you see fit. There are limits, and those limits are the child's basic human rights. One of those inherent rights is to be free from violence of all kinds, including hitting, smacking, spanking, shoving, slapping, or popping.



The interesting thing is, children are always against spanking until they start to reach age 7, 8, 9 which is about the time they have started to absorb the idea that "I deserved it." For many who have been spanked, by the time they reach adulthood, they pretty much are believers in spanking. You would be hard pressed to find a mother who spanks her children that was not herself spanked as a child.

Triwan - posted on 10/25/2012

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Um, to end all of the conversation on my part because it's not going anywhere (you can continue if you please but not convincing anyone that already spanks), I can say that spankings did not harm me, my son or my siblings. I can say that it was necessary or I wouldn't have done it. I can say that my father (which was also spanked as a kid) is a member of MENSA. I can say that just because you remember your spankings (perhaps they were harsher, who knows), you can't speak for everyone else and say they must do as well. My son is not a liar and had no reason to lie about it. I can say that researchers trying to prove something in one direction, already have that hypothesis in mind when doing the research.

I can say that there is also research out there that says that spankings do not have long term effects on people (you have to have an open mind and actually look for those types of studies as well). I can say that some of those researchers aren't even parents (lol). I can say that I AM an optimal parent and the proof is in the pudding ie my son. I can say that unlike "anti-spankers", I'm not here to put anyone else down for their methods, tell them they they are wrong and possibly have a low IQ and so do their kids (lol, loved that one) or tell them to raise their child by way of strangers ie researchers. I can say that there are parents that spank and those that don't and both still can have violent, low IQ, mentally disturbed off springs. I can say to all the mothers, raise your child yourself, how you see fit (which ever method you chose) with their best interest in mind present and future. Don't let researchers do your job for you, for they are human just like we are.

Tammy - posted on 10/25/2012

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I'll find those studies when I have time, don't right now, sorry. I'll post them for you. Okay? My point is that there is NEVER a need to spank or hit your kids. There are many, many, many studies. They can't ALL be biased. LOL! Again, I'll post when I have time. I wasn't trying to see who's kid is better, just that I raised my kids without EVER hitting them once & they're excelling, not spoiled, hard workers etc. YOU said that there is a problem now from NOT hitting. Most places hitting still IS acceptable. The places that use Corp punishment in schools DO have the highest juvenile crime rates, fact. Again, will post that for you to see. Hitting may not have harmed, but what I was saying is that there was no need for it. It may not harm, but didn't help. I remember everything negative my parents did, you sound like a GREAT Mom, with a GREAT son! What I was trying to say is that if I remember everything, your son may remember being spanked also. I'm sure it's not a good memory. My kids don't have those negative memories AND they're doing great. I have tons of research because I may do a book on this subject. I have studies, articles, books etc. I can't get into it that deep, don't have time, but will post some good reads later today. The studies DO show kids who are spanked DO have lower I.Q.'s. fact. No worries, just trying to tell you there are other ways, have an open mind, (which most spankers don't), don't just say I did it, my kids are fine. There are actual studies, and FACTS about this. TONS of them. Not 2 or 3, but TONS. If you choose to just be defensive & not really hear what we have to say, I understand, human nature. Honestly, I cheer you if you did a great job & have a great son. I'm JUST saying that spanking is not necessary, ever. It's NEVER absolute OPTIMAL parenting to spank/hit kids. It's just NOT necessary. It can lead to worse things if the parents take it too far. LOTS of kids are mistreated, there are lots of terrible parents. There are also lots of well meaning parents who are ignorant & ones who lay somewhere in between. You can be a GREAT, GREAT parent & hit your kids, but it's not necessary & again, it's hitting. How can that teach anything positive or model good behavior yourself? It's not OPTIMAL, meaning absolute BEST. Why not strive for absolute OPTIMAL at something so important? No one is perfect, but striving for is what I'm saying. What's more important than parenting? Have a good day.

Triwan - posted on 10/25/2012

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Hi Tammy and and thank you in regards to your second sentence.

Question...who is "they" and how is it that "they" can speak accurately on what's the best way to train MY child?

"They even say spanking/hitting can lower your I.Q., but I'm not sure if that's because more parents with lower I.Q.'s hit/spank, so therefore have kids with lower I.Q.'s, or it actually lowers it."

That is such an insult and a crock! Show me the original UNBIASED studies on that one.

Also, I beg to differ on the statement that juvenile crime rates are higher where there is corporal punishment. I've lived in one of those counties and it was the far best places I've ever lived.

Now, I'm glad that your kids are well behaved, but my intentions on mentioning my son was not to start a debate on whose kids are the best. It was to prove a point on the "research" and the "studies" that it's Not that accurate, and it doesn't speak for everyone because not everyone has developmental issues, mental problems and learn violence just because they were spanked as a child although research would like to say that it's so. Btw, I don't think my son could get any better.

Tammy - posted on 10/25/2012

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Triwan, I agree 100% with Robbyn. You sound like such a nice person, and a good Mom to boot! Bravo! I think you actually never did need to hit your children & they would've been great, maybe even a smidge better! They even say spanking/hitting can lower your I.Q., but I'm not sure if that's because more parents with lower I.Q.'s hit/spank, so therefore have kids with lower I.Q.'s, or it actually lowers it. I wouldn't take the chance though, LOL!



Anyway, what I have a problem with is that if it's okay to spank, parents take it too far, ex. using a belt or paddle. Then, what do they do when that doesn't work, hit harder, in comes abuse! I honestly think hitting with any object is ABUSE! ICK!!!! Gross! Those are weirdo's who have control issues &/or anger issues in my book. Never understood that. Anyway, what you did was not abusive in any way, you did a good job as a mother. You could've done that without hitting ever. That's what we're saying. The fact that you justify it & say the kids are okay despite, they would've been okay if not hit & maybe a little better. Not saying don't discipline your kids, just saying don't hit or spank them.



The crime rate today is higher, there are more people. The population has risen by the billions!!! OF course there are more problems. The places where there are the WORST juvenile crime rates are in places where paddling (corporal punishment) is used in their schools. Did you hear me: those places have the WORST juvenile crime rates!!!!



People think not hitting means being soft. It can be & those parents aren't doing an optimal job either. Parents who let their kids get away with everything. There are two extremes & neither is good. Parents who are strict, don't hit in anyway, are involved, make the kids accountable, teach from an EARLY age what's acceptable, explain, keep their composure & model good behavior themselves, are involved, etc. This is being an OPTIMAL parent. You can be strict, in control of your kids, follow through with what you say & kids turn out at their OPTIMAL best if parents do a great job. GREAT, meaning getting an A in parenting, I'd say spanking lowers their grade! LOL!



Honestly, I never once hit any of my kids. My daughter is in all honors classes, on the high honor roll, has 2 jobs, keeps her room clean, doesn't get in trouble, etc.!!! She was a difficult child too! I'd say as a teen, that's a pretty good job done there! My son is athletic, also gets good grades, is kind. A Mom told me the other day, her son who is awkward & bullied, that MY SON is the ONLY kid who is nice to her son in school!!!!! That says it all right there with how I raised him! I raised him to treat others kind, as I treat him.



Anyway, hope you think about this with an open mind & some of it sinks in. I'm not a perfect parent, but one of the best I know. You just know what you're good at, I'm good at parenting. I would NEVER hit my kids, research is against it, study this, have an open mind, look around, think. Best of luck! (:

Triwan - posted on 10/24/2012

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"The truth is many young people grow up to be very happy and healthy and loving human beings without being hit". Many young people grow up to be very happy and healthy and loving human even if they were.

"I think the underlying problem here is that it makes us feel terrible as mothers to think we've done something harmful to our children.". I never once felt terrible or thought that I was doing something harmful to my child, it was the opposite, I felt that I was doing something right to my child.

"But we are learning that these old school ways of using violence have huge costs. And we need to change and grow so that our future society is less violent. We have to stop normalizing hitting, because it has enormous societal consequences and as mothers we need to create a better future for all our children." I don't believe that the old school way of using violence have huge cost. I believe the New school way has huge cost. The changing and the growing is what has increased the crime rate that we have today. Has anyone ever wondered why kids respected adults and the murder, robbery, rape rates were lower years ago?? Kids knew better because they knew what the consequences were going to be (and it wasn't just a stern talking to).

Robbyn Peters - posted on 10/24/2012

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Many people grow up to be wonderful humans despite spanking. That is no defense for spanking. You obviously love your boy, and he feels it. That is why he is a wonderful human, not because you used hitting as a way to educate him. The truth is many young people grow up to be very happy and healthy and loving human beings without being hit.



I think the logic is flawed. My in-laws smoked their entire lives and didn't get lung cancer. That doesn't mean smoking is good for them. It means they are one of the lucky ones. The research isn't wrong. Yes, the risks don't affect everyone in the same way. But for many, many children the risks are quite serious. Why would you risk it with your children? You would not risk not using a car seat or a helmet when your son rides a bike, so why would you risk spanking which is much, much more risky?



Aside from research, since that doesn't really appeal to you. What about the basic human right not to be hit? Why do you want to hit your child, when there are clearly better alternatives? You don’t want to be hit. Why is your young child different? Toddlers don’t need pain to learn. They need consistent, repetitive guidance.



I think the underlying problem here is that it makes us feel terrible as mothers to think we've done something harmful to our children. As mothers, we all feel worried about doing a good job. We don't want to believe we are hurting our children, because we never would do that intentionally. We don’t want to think that our mothers were hurting us. We do the best we can. But we are learning that these old school ways of using violence have huge costs. And we need to change and grow so that our future society is less violent. We have to stop normalizing hitting, because it has enormous societal consequences and as mothers we need to create a better future for all our children.

Triwan - posted on 10/24/2012

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To heck with research! I'm living proof. All of my siblings are living proof and there isn't any underlying resentment to our parents or mental illnesses because we were spanked as a child. Most of all, my son is living proof. As a matter of fact, in light of this post, I decided to ask my son the other day if he remembers getting spanked when he was younger, and he said.......no. Speaking of my son, he's an A/B high school student, he's played the trumpet for six years, never goes over his cell phone minutes, says ma'am, yes ma'am, sir and no sir to everyone, fixes his bed every morning, never leaves his contacts in overnight (lol), opens the door for me, other women and the elderly, gives his father and I a hug every night before he goes to bed and before he leaves my car to go into school. We never go a day without saying I love you to each other, and he is not confused in any way.

True story, last year when I went to pick my son up from his friend's house, the boy's father came up to me and shook my hand and proceeded to tell me that he doesn't allow his boys to play with a lot of kids in the neighborhood but my son is welcomed any day. Boy did I leave there with a huge smile on my face, and reassurance that I did well by my son with the discipline and love that I gave him!

What people fail to realize is that "research" is not completely reliable, it can be biased and it is not a true representation of every individual taken from variable aspects and all situations.

Robbyn Peters - posted on 10/24/2012

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Read the research if you are open to change. As far as hugging and kissing after hitting...who wants that? If you hit me, I don't want you coming near me unless I get an apology. And I certainly don't want to hear about how I deserved it. Children are just like us. We should treat them with the same respect. Hitting is hitting is hitting. I'm not confused.

Kristal - posted on 10/24/2012

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I think u are confusing spanking with child abuse.. These two are NOT the same..Many of the people that abuse their child I know does not start with a swat on the butt used to a discipinary reason, usually they use a belt or some other device.. NOrmally they do it out of anger and dont explain and educate the child on the reason for the spanking.

I believe children are smarter than they are given credit for.. and yes preschoolers sometimes are not able to control the impulse, that is why we are supposed to teach them that.. for example, if u are traning ur dog to not bark,, u buy a shock collar or something along those lines. yes a dog and a child are diffent but when it comes to teaching someone that maynot understand reason they are in theory the same.. so when the dog barks he gets a shock.. ok so when ur child continues to do a behavior after being reasoned with and told no, no, no.. ok then they get a swat, not a hard brutal hit like u and others believe. something to get their attention an unpleasent sensation that they dont like.. it gets their attention. and then u say i said no and explain why.. ask them did u like being spanked and of course the answer is no. then how are u going to avoid that in the future.. answer: not doing said behavior.. u give u child a hug and a kiss say i love and if it happens again then u say do u want a spanking of course no.they dont and the behavior is not repeated.. on the other hand if I haul off and beat the crap out of kid.. then yes they will be angry they will be aggresive they will have issues..etc.. other countries also allow drugs and marijuana, drinkin ages of 18 do u believe in that no i dont.. so this is our counrty and this is what works for me and many other families..so if dosent for u fine im glad:))

I am a parent of very bright and wonderful children, they have good behaivior play sports get good grades, i dont spank for everything and i dont spank my daughter becasue her tempment is such she dosent need it.. so it is parent choice and believe me in those countries their is people that spank and dont tell. it sad when the goverment controls how u raise ur children.

Robbyn Peters - posted on 10/24/2012

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Krystal,



Here is some research that you can look at. Spanking can alter the brain in damaging ways, because it activates the stress response system. And these problems become medical later on. So in the short run, you stopped the behavior, but in the long term you have a problem. And for preschoolers, spanking is no more effective than saying "no, no," because children often know what is wrong, but don't have the brain development to control the impulse. Even as adults, we have difficulty doing what we know we should do sometimes.



I think you do see people in the hospital with "spanking related" problems, but you just don't realize it, because they are grown.



For example, adolescent depression, mental illness, higher risk of domestic violence when child becomes an adult, increased aggressiveness, substance abuse and drug abuse (I bet you see a lot of problems related to that!), and adolescent suicide. Also, in physical child abuse cases, 85% begin with the parent using corporal punishment. And the long-term health problems related to child abuse are staggering.



What the research says is, spanking increases the risk for these things considerably, and the more you spank, the more you increase the risk.



Here is some research, but if you want to know more you can go to http://stopspanking.org







http://www.phoenixchildrens.com/PDFs/pri...



One other thing, I don't think your argument that your child is different than mine and may require a "swat." Why? Because entire nations of people are raising children without violence. Try to remember how you felt when you were a small child and your were spanked. Do you really want your child to have to go through what you went through, when there are alternatives?

Kristal - posted on 10/23/2012

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CHildren have rights and should as other human beings.. We as parents are supposed to raise our children to be productive members of society.. If it takes a little swat on the butt as enforcment of a rule or if they are in immediate danger so be it..If you can do it without more power to u

Kristal - posted on 10/23/2012

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CHildren have rights and should as other human beings.. We as parents are supposed to raise our children to be productive members of society.. If it takes a little swat on the butt as enforcment of a rule or if they are in immediate danger so be it..If you can do it without more power to u

Kristal - posted on 10/23/2012

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So your telling me that if I give my child a little swat on the butt that im violating thier human rights???? HA HA.. So have you looked up the definatin of a hit and a spank?? They are diffrent..as far as smoking goes. I work at a hospital and i see the people dying of cancer everyday and other disease due to smoking.. I see no adults coming in to us that are dying of getting spanked.. I see people and children come in everyday from carwrecks.. but again I see no adults coming in dying becaue they were spanked as a child... My cousin right now is a grown man and mad at his partents who never spanked or hit him because they made him run laps twice a week on their doctor order mind u because he was overweight.. Im sorry but if people are going to blame getting a little spank on their adult problems they are reaching for straws and finding excuses. My brother was beat as a child and he is a wonderful person who never has never hit his wife or had any violent tendencies.. We are adults and everyone needs to take responsbilty for their own actions..If you give ur child a spanking or any form of discpline it needs to be backed up with an explanation of why and then education.. If you put ur child in time out and then dont explain urself then u are punshing ur child for no reason.. The same goes for spanking.

Robbyn Peters - posted on 10/23/2012

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Krystal,

Children have the same human rights as any other human being. They have a right, a human right, to be free from all forms of violence. Spanking is violence - it is hitting. It is also unnecessary. Further, it does not work. When I state research, I am saying the the correlative research is similar to smoking. Yes, 2/3rds of all smokers will not get lung cancer. But does that make smoking OK? Of course not. The research on spanking is very similar to the research on smoking in terms of what they call "validity and agreement." This means, the research is incredibly compelling. The other key point to keep in mind is, the effects show up later, much later. You can't see readily what spanking is doing to the brain.



I hate to argue the research is some sense, because I wouldn't want there to be a research project showing why husbands shouldn't "lightly slap" their wives around. It is insulting.



But the research can sometimes help us see things that we are blind to, because of the culture we are born into.



Just think about this, would you put your child in a car without a car seat, because you aren't driving that far, and you are a good driver, and there probably won't be an accident? No. It is the same with spanking. The risk is too great.



But back to the human rights issue, why do you need to hit your child? You don't hit anybody else? If I hit you, because I don't agree with what you are doing, you would be so upset. Why are you willing to risk the attachment your child has to you by hitting? It is fundamentally disrespectful. I respect my children and grand children too much to hit them. You don't have a right to hit my children, so why do you have a right to hit yours? I don't think you do. I think when you hit your child, you are violating their human rights. Furthermore, it is more damaging to hit your own child than to hit a child who isn't in relationship to you. Why? Because when you hit a child that is dependent upon you, you injure his feelings of security - because you are the fundamental source of your child's security.



The good news is, there are alternatives. You don't have to spank your child.

Kristal - posted on 10/23/2012

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I think you RObbyn have a very unreal idea of spanking.. if u even think that spanking to be in the same catagory as domestic violence then you have been in contact with people who are abusing their children. not using spanking as a discplinary tool..Thats great that the academy of pedatric nursing practioners said that.. All those studys dont account for every family or every child..Im a small person and my children are small. when they were little they were all put into the failure to thrive catagory because they were little and not on the charts.. My doctor said dont worry about that its because they are small and all the charts and guides for weight dont account for small people..so that little example was to show u that not every thing that u find with doctors and in statics is correct.. people should do what works for them and leave others alone.. Ur way is not the only way and neither is any one elses..

and mariam that is not even something u would do to an alzhemiers patient they have no idea, they are very elderly usually and confused.. A child knows what they are doing and most of the time pushes ur buttons purposley.. and if someone said to spank ur autistic child then they are very wrong..

Robbyn Peters - posted on 10/23/2012

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You are speaking to the choir when it comes to joking with your kids. They laugh, because they know you love them and that you are really talking about how frustrated you are. Humor helps me keep it cool, because there is no doubt, my grand daughter can push me to the limit, over the limit, and beyond! I tell her, "I'm taking a time out, because this is stressing me out. We're gonna have to deal with this in a minute." And I take a time out. :)

Miriam - posted on 10/23/2012

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Robbyn, I love that you said "meta-analysis". I'm just sitting here knowing how few people will know what it means but I do and I know you're right! I am a firm believer in statistics (statics? statstictics? stasticsics?) LOL! Thanks for the link. I didn't know about the National Association of Pediatric Nurse Practitioners policy statement.



I do sometimes tell my kids, "If you lived with someone mean they would probably be hitting you right now." We joke a lot like that and they know. One day when I was having a tough time with my daughter I said in a silly way, "I'm just gonna have to poke you in the eye with a sharp stick!" It was a joke and she knew immediately because she laughed and said, "You go riiiight ahead" and it was a running joke from that point on. It wouldn't have been funny if she thought I might do it. Humor is our biggest deterrent to negativity.



I once photographed a family. They were beautiful and VERY VERY funny and the mom kept saying, "Smile now, or I'm gonna have ta child abuse ya!" Which the kids thought was utterly hilarious. I know, it's not really great to joke about such awful things but parents do get stressed and overwhelmed and I think making a joke can really help. When in doubt I put myself in time-out. LOL.

Robbyn Peters - posted on 10/23/2012

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For the nurses here, you may find it interesting that your own governing body association, the National Association of Pediatric Nurse Practitioner’s modified their policy statement against spanking. Why? Because the research is so compelling. Not one study here and one study there, but 100s of studies that have undergone thorough meta-analysis.



The risks for negative outcomes are there for infrequent spanking or threat of spanking, and much higher the more you do it.



http://www.pr.com/press-release/345298



As a woman who appreciates that I have a right to be protected from domestic violence, i.e. my husband cannot just hit me if he wants, I also afford my children and grandchildren that same right. Nobody should hit. It is a form of domestic violence and there are entire nations of people that are raising healthy children without it.



Just think about it. Spanking is a tad barbaric.

Miriam - posted on 10/23/2012

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What about when adults get alzheimers or dementia. Most things don't work with them and I guarantee hitting them even with an open hand would be considered abuse in a nursing home but I can also guarantee that there will be many who do not understand and with him many methods do not work.



I haven't called anyone lazy, btw. I don't agree with spanking and I don't think it is necessary but I don't get in people's faces about it. I just really have a hard time believing that anyone could criticize me for NOT hitting. People DO! I've had special ed staff actually tell me that if my son was theirs they'd hit him. That was when he was 3 years old AND he's autistic. Guess what, he doesn't do those things any more and it did NOT require any hitting to teach him. NONE. ZERO! My daughter doesn't have autism and she tends to be strong willed but she has learned and she respects me and I have never ONCE hit her. So at MY house spanking has never been necessary. Not sure why it's necessary for other families, I can't really know that since I don't live in their shoes so I try not to judge or criticize. But spanking hasn't been necessary for us so that means even if it might actually be necessary in other families (I doubt it unless it's necessary due to some lack of skill on the part of parents involved but I honestly don't know) it is NOT necessary in my family.

Kristal - posted on 10/23/2012

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and no miraim spanking is not a necessity. It was a discipline technigue one of many, and used properly it can be effective.. Like any discliple. if u lock ur kid in a room for "time out" for 5 -6 hours that is abusie and not an effective way of using the time out technigue. If u have ur kid stand on a street corner with a sign of what they did wrong. That can be just if not more demeaning to the child as a little swat on the butt..And anyone that says kids are bad because their not spanked is no correct either in my mind,.. Its that parents that dont do anything or arent consistent and use any form of discliple that have defient children. SOme kids are like that no matter what u do.. Its the childs personality that helps steer the parent and the discipline form.

Kristal - posted on 10/23/2012

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Tammy i agree with u that spanking with an object is not right. if i spank my kids it only with my hand over their clothes.. I still dont agree with the easy way out statment.. And yes I can spell. Actually, im a nurse an RN.. I deal with people all day from diffrent backgrounds, age,races etc... No i dont belive in spanking adults because when they get to be older there are other ways to deal with issues.. I dont really care about statics or anything in that nature and dont think parneting should be like that. THeir are tons of statiscs out their that tell u not to immunize ur child which is medically a bunch of bull..If u need saticstics to raise ur child then maybe u should rethink ur partenting.. Doing what is right for ur child. Let it be time out,taking away privileges, spanking etc... than do it.. Being consitant and giving alot of love is the key:0) Also if u want to change someones mind on their parenting skills, calling them stupid, lazy etc...is not going to work..

Kristal - posted on 10/23/2012

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Tammy i agree with u that spanking with an object is not right. if i spank my kids it only with my hand over their clothes.. I still dont agree with the easy way out statment.. And yes I can spell. Actually, im a nurse an RN.. I deal with people all day from diffrent backgrounds, age,races etc... No i dont belive in spanking adults because when they get to be older there are other ways to deal with issues.. I dont really care about statics or anything in that nature and dont think parneting should be like that. THeir are tons of statiscs out their that tell u not to immunize ur child which is medically a bunch of bull..If u need saticstics to raise ur child then maybe u should rethink ur partenting.. Doing what is right for ur child. Let it be time out,taking away privileges, spanking etc... than do it.. Being consitant and giving alot of love is the key:0) Also if u want to change someones mind on their parenting skills, calling them stupid, lazy etc...is not going to work..

Robbyn Peters - posted on 10/23/2012

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I believe spanking is destructive.



I wanted to share with you an incredibly important project for children and mothers.



Would you please “like” our Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/protectchildrenf...



We are trying to produce a documentary to help raise awareness on the negative effects of spanking. Our website is http://stopspanking.org



I understand this is a very controversial subject, and we are interested in what mommies think, whether for or against it.



Thank you!



Robbyn Peters Bennett

Mary - posted on 10/23/2012

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I believe spanking is a necessity but only used in drastic circumstances, such as almost running in the middle of the street. I believe it should only be used if the child can become seriously hurt. Another thing is, spankings can shock the child at first but if used too often it begins to stop effecting them.

Miriam - posted on 10/23/2012

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I'll say this again. Not spanking is not the cause of bad behavior. Lack of discipline is. Discipline does NOT have to come in the form of hitting. Parents do need to do SOMETHING but it doesn't have to be hitting. I don't know WHY people who spank feel the need to say that people doing something else is this huge social ill when it isn't. I can only think it's to make themselves feel superior. Here's an example of discipline without spanking and permissive parenting. I don't spank but my 15 year old who has autism does not get to behave badly because of his disability. I have to teach him differently but we get there eventually. I can't just do nothing because my job as a parent is to help him become the type of person other people want to be around.



In contrast, someone I know has a child who has a learning disability. This kiddo, when he used to come to our house, did a lot of screeching and whining. My kids didn't want to play with him and neither did anyone else. Nobody responsible for this kid did anything until I started sending him home at the first screech. I just couldn't stand the sound and neither could my kids. They already experience sensory overload without someone screeching around them. So whenever I'd hear the sound we all hated so much I'd say, "You don't sound like you're having any fun, I'm going to call your mom." Then I did. He hated it! But guess what, he stopped whining at my house. This is someone else's kid so even though someone might have wanted to hit him, it wasn't an option. Firmness and follow-through are what is needed.



One day I was at the home of the family I mentioned in the last paragraph. The mom was rude to me by scolding ME like a child when I was talking to her DOG that I was dog sitting on a regular basis. I was trying to get him to sit and she was frazzled because there were a ton of kids there. That bothered me but I understood that she was stressed so I would have let it go even though I really felt she'd been taking advantage of me quite a bit. Then her kid came in the room and said rudely, "Is SHE staying the whole time." and pointing to me. I said, "No, I'm not" and left immediately. She didn't tell her kid how rude that was, she didn't do ANYTHING. Then later called to ask if I was upset. She's wanted to be better friends again but I've kept her at a distance. This is not okay. She doesn't NEED to spank the kid, it's clear he responds to things like me sending him home as soon as I hear him whining. She just needs to DO something. And yet she can be SOOO negative about her kid's challenges. I have a kid with autism and love to talk about all the things he CAN do then when needed I'm swift and firm but without physical punishment. My kid does NOT get to speak rudely to adults who visit us and he has a lot more going on. I would not just allow that. So there is a big difference between non-spanking and permissive. I'm not permissive but I also don't spank. Stop trying to blame everything on parents who DON'T spank. I haven't said a thing about spanking causing the rest of the world deteriorate. I don't think spanking is right but I don't KNOW that spanking is causing problems. Abuse definitely is and spanking can turn into abuse for some people. One reason I don't spank is because I was abused and I think it is possible that in anger I could take it too far. So I just don't GO there. My kids have not suffered from lack of discipline, they are disciplined, just not spanked. I am SO sick of hearing, "maybe the reason the world is so messed up is because nobody spanks any more." Clearly, there are plenty of people still spanking and the world is still messed up. It may not actually be MORE messed up than in "the old days". Read up on Roman History. Wow, scary stuff! It's interesting and a lot of amazing stuff has come from that history but some things at that time were much worse.

Tammy - posted on 10/23/2012

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No, ignorant and/or lazy. It's the easy way out. It's a LOT harder to not lose your temper, study what works best, really research & look into it, and follow through what you say. Hitting is easy & a quick solution, but not a long-term solution. If you want a GOOD long term solution, you need to actually teach your kids, follow through with what you say, model good behavior yourself (hitting is NOT doing this), be involved, be strict, but talk it out, etc. It's so easy to just whack a kid. It doesn't really teach, well, it does, but not anything you WANT to teach a kid. I have no respect for people who hit kids, especially with objects like belts. If you do that on a bare bum, or underwear, that's just sick. If you don't see that, I'm sorry. There are a LOT of GREAT parents raising great kids without hitting them. Your kids can turn out fine & you can be a good parent if you do hit your kids, but you could be better. That is a pretty strong statement, but that's how I feel. People should try & step it up in the parenting department. It's sad how little some people put into it, or make excuses, just say "this is how it's always been done" etc. It did sound broad & does, but this is a subject I've studied for years, collected articles about, books about etc. I've also debated it before & there is never any compelling evidence why one should spank from the other side. It's most frustrating when the other side of this debate gets upset, but has NOTHING to back it up statistically, and usually can't even spell. It's an observation, you don't believe me, look with an open mind and for yourself. Problem is, people don't have open minds. They usually just try to justify their own shortcomings. When it comes to kids, we can always change for the better, just my opinion, sure I'll get slammed for it, but whatever. I have GREAT kids, exceptional. Never hit them once. It's working. People will do as they will, I just feel bad for kids being hit with belts & parents justifying that it's okay. It's NOT. Spanking, well, it's not helpful, but if it's not with an object, do as you will. With an object, SICK! I'm disgusted by that. Anyone who belts a kid is ignorant. Broad statement, yes.

K. - posted on 10/23/2012

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Wow Tammy, that's a pretty broad statement. So you're saying that any parent who chooses to spank is a lazy, bad parent? That's quite an assumption.

Val - posted on 10/21/2012

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i never had a spanking. i rebelled as a teen, but it all ended well. it may not of though. i raised my dtr without spanking ever. she rebelled as a teen. And she ended up fine. my youngest is just starting the rebelling thing. she was never spanked. i dont believe in it at all for all reasons, usually the person who spanks is ANGRY and how can this be good to be hit. what does it teach the child then. A tap on the hands when approaching danger is different and removal of the child to a safe site and then distracted by something else is usually sufficient. or just stern words. we have seen kids rule the house, and always are spanked, and they just get used to this form of punishment. Discipline isnt the same as punishment.

Crystal - posted on 10/21/2012

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I think there is a limit, like not using belts, wooden spoons, or anything else besides your hand. Also, only spanking on the behind and not doing it when you're enraged yourself.. Alot of kids these days are naughty and out of hand; maybe they didn't get spankings..

Kristal - posted on 10/20/2012

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@ tammy, I dont believe that if someone uses spanking as a punishment that they also are not aware or alert or dont follow through or that they dont know whats going on.I have spanked all my kids at one point or another. I am also a very involoved parent. I volunteer at their school all the time Keep up with their school work, I know all their friends and am very perticular with whom they spend time with. Our home has rountines and my kids know the rules. They also know the consques for their behavior.. I no longer spank my older son becasue hes 13 and now has other things that he is intrested in. I do spank my now 5 year old if he needs one pop on the butt. He knows how far he can push me and usally just a look and he stops. I believe raising a family in this day in age is hard and takes work. Especailly when both parents have full time jobs along with the kids many activites.. Like ive said a hundred times it depends on the child the parent and the home..

Miriam - posted on 10/20/2012

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Lack of spanking is not the cause of the ills of the world. Some kids are spanked and do just fine and some kids aren't spanked and they do fine. I think the vast majority of kids do just fine. The experiences you have with individual kids and parents have a variety of factors influencing them. I work at an elementary school and only a handful of kids have behavior issues and the ones who do have behavior issues have extenuating circumstances. So maybe 5 kids out of about 1000 and when i work with these kids they improve from the same stuff i use with my kids.

Tammy - posted on 10/20/2012

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I also disagree the kids today are disrespectful. Not my kids or their friends. I'm sorry you see so many dis-respectful kids where you are. I know in areas where spanking is more prevalent, example in the school system, the juvenile crime rate is higher. That could be why.

Tammy - posted on 10/20/2012

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I agree, going around & around with time-outs is ridiculous. I let my kids know I'm in charge, they listen awesome & I've NEVER hit them once. I can't even imagine on underwear, that sounds just wrong!!!! I literally get praises for my kids constantly, they are teenagers too! Like I said, NOT disciplining is just as bad as hitting. Neither is good parenting. They may turn out okay, but if you don't need to hit to raise them right, why would you? Seems like people just don't know another way. You have to follow through with what you say, teach your kids, model good behavior, be involved, be alert & know what's going on, etc. It's a lot of work. I don't see how hitting them would get anything through to them that you'd want to get through. It may get through the wrong things though, like if you don't get what you want (ex. kids listening) hitting is the answer. How would that translate to their lives? I agree 100% with consistency, and discipline, but disagree 100% with spanking in any form.

Donna - posted on 10/20/2012

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Well my son is now 34 and my daughter is 28, When they needed it they got spanked. Not beaten. I was spanked as a child and so were all the kids in my neighborhood. we all grew up fine, and I have the most respect for my parents. and the same with my son and daughter, in fact, when our parents where not around the neighbors parents would spank us. we didn't have gangs shooting up our neighborhood, we played outside and were in the house before the street lights came on. and the same with my children, My son now has 2 daughters of his own, he carried out the same discipline, My granddaughters are very well behaved and very smart. My daughter is in the navy now, with no kids, I here her complaining about her friends kids, she said she watches there kids getting time outs.. and laughs because they just go round and round with it. When my people come over to my house, I tell the parents if you don't discipline your kids for acting out in my house, then I will take over. they will get a swat on the butt.. all it takes is letting them know who is in charge. when they come to my house now, they are perfect angles.. it takes consistent discipline, and follow up with what you say the first time.

Tammy - posted on 10/19/2012

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My kids arent disrespectful and i dont spank them. My neices are horrors and they are. Its lazy parenting n easy way out. Just as bad to spank as to not have consequences fir bad behavior. Just bad parenting.

Donna - posted on 10/19/2012

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I believe time out first, if that don't work... time for a spanking... NOT a beating but a good old fashioned spanking. I see so many parents now days that do time outs, or No mommy don't like that, it drive me nutty.. spanks these kids butts so we don't have so many juvenile delinquents. the kids now days are so disrespectful.

Tammy - posted on 10/19/2012

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Ew, in his underwear? I find that gross. I have 5 kids & had a foster kid also. Never once spanked ANY of them. Hmmmm.....

Georgia - posted on 10/19/2012

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Some people are very well intentioned and I will put Miriam in that category. She and some other moms may not need to spank their children. I had two daughters like that. My only complaint is when these mothers choose to judge those of us who have had different experiences.



I have read a few studies and articles that purport to show that spanking is harmful to children. I am not a scientist, but I did observe that one or two researchers (Murray Strauss) comes to mind obviously concluded before he did any studies that spanking was wrong. Other research focused on parents who clearly were going overboard. One study dealt with parents who spanked their kids every week for something! I've never come remotely close to anything like that and I can't imagine basing honest research on it either. Most of all, anyone who is a decent parent learns over time that parenting is not a science and something you can base on studies. Its largely "art" because not only are children individuals, but adults relate to them differently based on the personality of the adult too.



No parent wants to cause a child physical pain, but some situations call for an immediate response. Others may not require an immediate response, but require a very strong response to make it clear to a child in a no uncertain way that some behavior is intolerable.



I'll give an example. When my own son was 10, he was told he could not play with fireworks and firecrackers. I didn't want him injuring himself or someone else. We didn't give them to him, but he got them from neighbor children. I warned him twice not to do it. The first two times, after I warned him I took away privileges. Guess what? There was a third time. Well, third time, I had had it. I gave him a spanking in his undies. That finally ended the problem. I'm sorry it took some tears and a little embarrassment on his part. But, I do it again.



Each situation is different. I wish the non-spankers would be a little slower to judge than they are.

Miriam - posted on 10/18/2012

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Kristal Coghill, I agree with you there. The same things don't work with all kids. I try not to criticize other parents. I don't agree with spanking but if someone uses it I don't really feel it's my business to do anything about it unless I see signs of abuse. In my state everyone is a mandatory reporter of abuse.

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