My baby does not obey commands and is violent! Help!

Tiffany - posted on 05/14/2010

my daughter is 21 months old.. she has this same problem.. i do in home day care.. so i'm with her all the time ... she challenges me a lot. but i've been very consistant with her the last few weeks and she has started to listen to me better.... but she still has her fits.. i keep hearing its a "phase" and i hope it is..... today my next store neighbor noticed her fits and violents and said she almost two huh? i was like yeah... she like it will pass..... so a lot of people are in the same boat.

Melissa - posted on 05/11/2010

Your daughter is simply spoiled and throwing tantrums because she knows that eventually you will give in. Children also just love attentio;n whether it is positive or negative doesn't matter. My son is very persistant when he screams for me to hold him. He won't cry himself to sleep. If I don't pick him up he will scream for hours on end. When she starts to throw a tantrum: 1) ignore her 2) distract her with something else and 3)keep stern and consistent. Consistency is definitely a key factor. I hope all this helps some.

Amanda - posted on 05/10/2010

I'm a biology major and a mother of a 2 year old. I went through this exact thing and was freaking out until I found some information in some of my biology books. The brain develops from the back to the front, sort of like switching on lights in the right order. Well about this time the frontal cortex is developing and it's responsible for emotional response, instant gradification, etc. And that's when I finally understood. It's just another milestone, I called it the violent stage, lol. They are experiencing things at such a basic level, for example. He gets an impulse to grab something off the shelf at the store because he wanted it, then I take it away because he can choke. He gets mad because he doesn't have the ability to underdstand why I took it away, and lashes out because he's angry and then I retaliate by telling him no no. He gets sad and crys until some new implusive thing takes over. I was freaking out when we went throught his, it lasted about 4 months, and then it finally settled down. I know it may seem like it's the end of the world, I did lol. But your being a great mother, and hang in there.



My son would hed bang the crib, gag himself till he threw up, throw things, bite, hit, the works. I remember I would get so mad that he wasn't listening to me that I felt like I was going to cry, so instead of lashing out at him I would get him dressed and pu thim the stroller and go for a brisk walk. The walk would ease of the tension I felt, until I was calm, and the change of pace helped him too. Until I found this tactic, it would be 2-3 hours of solid NO NO's, time outs, him crying, screaming (think the worst possible tantrum) lol. I swear just putting him in the stoller and walking once around the block was a life saver. It's impossible to stay completly calm, but if I diverted my tension to something productive it worked out. I hate the word phase!! Unfortunatly it will pass.

Belinda - posted on 04/29/2010

My daughter will hit me as well. I once told her if she hits me again she can go to her room, she hits me again and then took her self off to her room and shut the door.

BILLIE - posted on 04/27/2010

Your daughter is testing her boundaries ... it is so normal .... welcome to the terrible two's .... My soon started his when he was only 14 months. He head butts us (mostly his dad) in the head and he even hits his own head against the walls or floors. Apparently this is normal and they do it to hurt you but I would say the hitting their head against the wall or floors hurts him much more then me.
When your daughter throws her fits ignore her and tell her to come to you only when she is back to her normal self.

Justine - posted on 04/26/2010

I have found that not reacting when my son hits/bites/screams, etc has been the most effective

Alexis - posted on 04/26/2010

My son is the same age and does the very same thing and I have discovered that if I walk him through why he can't do it, it usually helps. But if he still throws a tantrum I make him sit (like time out) until he calms down... That usually makes him calm down for a little while. Hope this helps!! :0)

Angela - posted on 04/26/2010

don't give up hope from what i've heard from other mums at groups i g to and in my family they all go through this phase my son is 20 month old and i'm going through the same thing now but the kids i know that have already been there are perfectly fine now and have grown out of it just what ever else you do don't let her have her own way when she hits and throws stuff or she will keep doing it every time she wants her own way

Tabitha - posted on 04/26/2010

yeahhhh, this behavior has to stop... I that a lot of parents are going to freak but I'm going to say it anyway... With my son when he started to learn how to walk (around a year old) and grab things that I didnt want him to touch after a firm "NO" and a strong "mommy look" I would smack his hand, not hard at all but a firm tap. After a couple of those incidents all I have to say now is a firm "NO" and a strong "mommy look" and most of the time (he still has his rebellious times) he will stop doing what he is doing. He's older now... 20 months... and now I've also incorporated having him help fix things that he shouldnt be doing and then praising him... so it'll go like this: He gets into my purse (HE LOVES DUMPING OUT MY PURSE!! HAHAAH! I think they need to stop making toys and start just making small things that look like everyday items) Anyway, He'll get into my purse and/or dump it out, I say NO firmly and give "mommy look", then have him put everything back in the purse (i help) and put the purse back on the table (or wherever it was), then after that I tell him in a firm voice while looking him in the eyes "that is not for you to play with, thank you for helping me put it back" and then I redirect him to a toy or something else... he's really happy to help put stuff away which kinda acts against the lesson because he'll try to dump it out again just to put it all back but then I'll incorporate a hand smack with the "that is not for you to play with..." and he gets the point. basically you really have to give them boundaries and consequences that are immediate... I'm all for time out, but I dont think at this age its appropriate. They just wont "get it".

as far as the violent behavior goes, I think the sooner you curb this behavior the better, this "phase" is only going to get worse... my son bit me ONCE out of anger and I IMMEDIATELY swatted his mouth and said "NO! WE DON'T BITE YOU HURT MOMMY!"... he hasnt bit me or anyone else ever since... I dont accept biting period... can you imagine if he had bit another child or adult... No... not acceptable! My son also only hit me ONCE out of anger when I wouldnt put him down and I grabbed his hand firmly in mine (no swatting involved with this one, too confusing), looked at him in the face (mommy look), and said "NO! WE DONT HIT!" he has never hit me or anyone else ever since..... and I know what you are going to say "You just told him that "we dont hit" yet you smacked your son on the hand and swatted his face when he bit you... aren't you sending mixed messages?"

My answer is No. I did not swat/hit (if you can call it hitting) him out of tantrums or anger like he is doing... I am stopping/interrupting the strong mental turmoil that he is going through which is making him act out in a violent way by a strong physical touch... I am not hurting him, I'm am only letting him know that what he is doing is NOT ok. Let me repeat my self... I AM NOT HURTING HIM. He doesnt cry from my hand swats nor did he cry when I swatted him in the mouth when he bit me (actually he did cry but that was after I said "NO! WE DONT BITE, YOU HURT MOMMY!"... the swat in the mouth kinda shocked him and when I said the word "hurt" (I threw an "OUCH" in there too and showed him where he bit me) then he started crying pretty hard... my fiance (his father) who saw the whole thing was all "wow, he's really upset that he hurt you".. I was all "wow, I know!" of course I held him and said mommys ok, dont cry... and kissed his cute cheeks)

My son also has tantrums over stuff too but those I just ignore... in fact if he throws a tantrum trying to get his way or something he wants I purposefully DONT give him what he wants and I just walk away from him (if we're at home... at a store I ignore his yelling and continue pushing the stroller or shopping cart and just talk to him about where we're going in the store in a very quiet voice.)

ANYWAY, sorry this is really long. I'm no expert but these are the things that have worked for me.

Phillipa - posted on 04/25/2010

my 20 n a half month old son is usally pritty good except when he dosnt get what he wants or things dont go his way. he throws major fits yells screams throws whatever is near him around. iv tryed to just walk away like people say but he gets louder and louder and starts pushing me. im not sure what im ment 2 do. nothing seems 2 work. some times he even throws fits over nothing, hell just b walking around the house and next thing hes on the floor rolling around having a big trantrum. for such a we guy he has a big attitude problem. i dont no what to do. he dosent talk yet ether, he speeks his own languge and gets angry when i dont answer him i never no what he is talking about

Terri - posted on 04/24/2010

My 20 month old has been throwing and hitting also lately. He does it to me more than anyone though, but like everyone else says, I believe it is normal because I watched my 3 year old sister go through it.

Heather - posted on 04/24/2010

I know how you feel. My son pinches when he gets angry, and seems to come after me! I usually swat him or just pinch him hard enough on his hand that he feels it! He was hitting and biting but has stopped that, just have to get him to quit the pinching now! When my son did hit , I found that spanking him right below the diaper was more effective, and it worked! I don't know how you feel about spanking, but it seemed to help the most and the same goes for biting. Did you try time outs? Try putting her in a safe place when she does start hitting and throwing things like a play pen, or crib or something. I do that with my son, and he stops not long after. I understand what your going through. I am having our second child in a week and half and I worry that my son will take his anger out on his brother and hurt him. I just have to watch him and the baby closely. Good luck and I will hope that you find something that works for you and your daughter!

Laquita - posted on 04/24/2010

Treveon is not talking yet, but he understands everything you tell him, what can i do to get him to talk.

Amanda - posted on 04/24/2010

After three children, I still am struggling through this phase. It is a phase. Time-outs don't really work, but ignoring bad behavior does help. It is hard to do, I know. Unless it is dangerous, try ignoring her behavior then offer something else for her to do within a few minutes (thank God for short attention spans with this). When I do discipline, I usually walk away from them to reinforce my displeasure (and to keep from getting hit). Cuddles later are necessary.

Bianca - posted on 04/24/2010

my daughter isn't violent but she does ignore me when I'm calling her most of the time even though she can hear me - apparently my dad did this to my mum - and does kick off when she doesn't get what she wants, so I think the tantrums and ignoring you is normal for their age, but as for the violence I don't know, does she think it's funny like laughing after she does it, knowing she's being naughty or does she do it when she's angry and does it cos she's lost her temper? If you've tried praising her and it doesn't work, I'd try just ignoring her and not letting her get a reaction and see if she gets bored, that's what I've found works when my little girl kicks off

Jo - posted on 04/24/2010

By looking at the above comments and by my experience with my first 3 kids and with my 20 month old you are not alone! This is not a parenting or a personality issue- it has to do with development and frustration. Right now, she is at the stage of having so much to say and so much she wants to do but doesn't quite have the language or ability to do it all. Being physically aggressive is a release for her. Not that it should be allowed- just be calm, consistent and clear in your choice of discipline and ride the wave. They say "terrible twos" but in my experience 18months - 2 yrs is the worst! Hang in there!

Jaclyn - posted on 04/23/2010

Yes i know the feeling. My 20 month old boy does exactly. He bites, smacks when he feels like it. Whensomeone makes him cross he throws whateva he has in his hand and screams. so as i was reading all your comments, i feel a little at ease that i am not the only one. I think its just a phase... I really i hope so

Rachelle - posted on 04/23/2010

Well, who doesn't want their way?! Haha !! She is just learning that she will not always get it and is frustrated. I wouldn't call it violent...she is too young to be violent. I would call it a temper tantrum. I would let her flail herself on the floor, do what ever until she calms down. Then, I would pick her up and rock her, sit her on my lap, etc...and say to her, "I know you wanted BLANK and it makes you so upset when you can't get it. It's hard being 20 mos., isn't it?" Verbalize or express how she is feeling. Most temper tantrums are thrown out of frustration b/c the child can't articulate what is wrong or why they are mad or hurt. Keep praising her, but know that she is trying to be independent, not disrespectful and not listening to you. She is not old enough to do that yet. Know it will continue to happen almost up until 3 - 3.5 yrs. old. Just keep giving love and empathy that she can't get her way or do what she wants. Don't give in to her, though. Be firm, but loving and empathetic. It will all work out. They are learning about their boundaries right now. Hard for them when they can't express themselves. Like being in a foreign country and not getting anyone to help you or listen to you.

Ekta - posted on 04/23/2010

Hey thanks a lot for this post ,my daughter is 20 months old and she too behaves in the same manner , she too becoming violent day by day, throwing things, slapping and do not listen anything. She also starts replying in her own language.Nowi too feel that I am not the only mother who is tensed due to this and the only way is to give more & more love .

Shantell - posted on 04/23/2010

After reading the replies I feel a little better about my daughters behaviour, although I do believe in spanking its not something that i practice. I try to talk to to her and when that does not work I just send her to her her dad who is more than happy to deal with her since she is daddy's pumpkin. But I think I am going to try the time out thing it may just work. thanks guys.

Kasandra - posted on 04/22/2010

Both of my sons, 3 ys and 20 months, are that way. Nothing I do or say works! And yeah, the stupid doctors just say it's a phase.

Plia - posted on 04/22/2010

that must be so frustrating. If it's any consolation, remember that this is temporary and it typical of a 20 month old. She really doesn't hate you. She's testing your love for her. As the loving parent that you are, you just have to be as patient and understanding as you can since toddlers are still very self centered and most cannot grasp that their actions affect you. Your child's defiance is not a reflection of your parenting. I think my little is an angel and she can exhibit the same exact behaviors you described. The volatility of toddlers' emotions can make you feel helpless but just keep rewarding the good things she does and don't perpetuate the negative behaviors.

Melanie - posted on 04/22/2010

My 20 daughter is very much the same.....as soon as I say "don't" she does it even more, runs away from me all the time(and she is very fast), throws herself down throws things etc. I usually put her in a time out.....not sure if she gets it yet, but she doesn't like to be out of the group. My oldest daughter went through phases too......I am sure our little angels will return once they can communicate a little more.

Rachel - posted on 04/22/2010

My daughter started having temper tantrums a few months ago when she started visitation with her daddy. I looked up causes for them and found out that frustration is a cause for temper tantrums. After I read that, I started paying attention to when she was having them, like in the morning when she woke up and wanted something to drink. I started explaining things to her and they actually went away pretty quickly. She still regresses with changes to her routine. I also used time-out. I had to test it and figure out what worked for us. After 5 minutes or more in time out one day, she finally "got" what I meant. I put her in a minute per year of her age, so at the time 1.5 minutes. Everytime she got out of the chair, I would put her back in and start time over, now she knows what time-out is. But my big thing is to explain what is going on so she can understand it. Oh and try to get her to use "words" instead of whining. When my daughter tells me exactly what she wants, we do much better. I also never tell her she is a bad girl. I explain that she is acting bad or ugly.

Jessica - posted on 04/22/2010

My daughter is 19 months old and does the same thing. It is so frustrating because the harder I try to calm her down the worse she will get.

Kye - posted on 04/22/2010

my 20 month daugther is the same a nightmare lets hope they do grow out of it

Carnethia - posted on 04/22/2010

I totally agree, with all the comments. I am starting to wonder if it is because they are baby LEOs. My son tries to hit and bite when he doesn't get his way. We put him in time out which has actually worked for us. It calms him down, gives us a break, and we make sure we are telling him why he is in timeout. Good luck.

Megan - posted on 04/21/2010

My 18 month old son just started doing this too. I put him in time out without any of his comfort items and make him say sorry, which works for a little while and then he just does it again. Im hoping its a phase!!

Jessica - posted on 04/21/2010

My daughter is the same way also but my 4 yo did the same thing and she eventually grew out of it it just feels like that time will never come trust me i know. I try praising her when she does good things and she usually looks at me like im stupid and tells me to shush...but keep your head up it will eventually end i promis :)

Christin - posted on 04/21/2010

it's completely normal behavior for this age. my daughter is 20 months and is a little firecracker lol
They're testing limits and stuggling with independence. i really don't sweat it...its not like theyre 5 and acting like this..i mean theyre not even 2. Commands are not something they get and to be honest i dont think they should have to at this age. i find myself laughing more then not at my daughters behavior because i know its just frustration. They know waaaay more then they can communicate..they're still so dependant on us but really want to be independent. its just a phase...don't be too hard on her..just try and be more lighthearted about her "meltdowns" as i call them and dont do the power struggle thing...it will always end bad. I pick and choose my battels with my daughter..if she's having a meltdown because she doesnt want her shoes on or something trivial i just ignore the behavior and continue going about our business. if it's over her trying to run through a parking lot or something dangerous then obviously i fight back...but dont look at it as defiance...theyre too young to be defiant...theyre really just starting to figure things out...i prefer to look at the "defiance" as strong willed..which is a good quality for a woman in this world to possess =)
at the end of the day before you know she will be doing everything on her own and won't need mommys help anymore and that will be a sad day...just enjoy the different phases and try to see more of the humor in them. hope this helps!!

Valerie - posted on 04/21/2010

Ooh I forgot something that can help! "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" DVD. Teaches you how to speak your toddler's language, showing them you KNOW what they want and how they feel. It helps calm tantrums so that they can then better understand the lesson or the rule. It's worked for us with both my now 3 year old and my 20 month old.

Kara - posted on 04/21/2010

Same problem with my now 20 month old but he isn't that way all the time. I did read somewhere that the things like pulling hair, hitting, biting and throwing are a toddler's way of expressing their frustration because they may not be able to tell us why or what is wrong. It can also be the teething pain that causes some hitting, head banging and pulling hair. The only thing I can say is to tell her to not to do those things and why. I say to D. "We don't hit mummy it hurts" and repeat it. If she does it again a bit more firmly. Third time sit her on a naughty spot, chair, step etc for about a minute. She will probably scream and you will have to hold her down first couple of times. Then explain in toddler terms hitting is not nice now say sorry (hug/kiss) Just keep it consistent. Mine loves stickers and coloring so that's his reward. Find something she does like and use that It is hard and I have only just started this form of discipline but it works. Don't use spanking IT WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE!

Valerie - posted on 04/20/2010

I read that the Love and Logic is a good method...it helps to have a method! I personally love "Setting Limits" the author escapes me at the moment...but your child is looking for those boundaries, testing you, because they feel secure when you provide that boundary and it is the same. Consistency is a big, big deal at this stage, and patience too.
Adding to the time out remarks...I do time out in public. I warn my 20 month old that if the behavior continues, she will have her nose to *this* wall and I find one and show it to her. If I need to in a restaurant, I will take her to the restroom for a time out. has worked great so far, most of the time...the key is knowing that you don't switch up the consequence the first or even second time it doesn't work. Consistency will pay off. Good luck

Chantelle - posted on 04/20/2010

Hve you tryed the super nanny creations i just did the time it turely works

Lisa - posted on 04/20/2010

I am very glad to hear that this is normal behavior for a 20 month old. My daughter has been just plain evil for the past few weeks. She is biting when I hold her hand to walk across the street. If I pick her up and tell her that if she bites, she can't walk, she leans forward and tries to bite my face. I can't wait until she walks like a little girl holding Mommies hand again.

Stefie - posted on 04/20/2010

My 20 month old little girl has similar issues. I have tried time out, but she just laughs at me. So then I tried holding her, she did not like that, but still seems ineffective. The most effective thing is I tell her she will lose privileges. Then if she is coloring on the table and not the paper I take away the markers and take her away from the table. Sometimes she throws a fit. I let her go and ignore her. It is so hard, but she is starting to listen more.

Kristine - posted on 04/20/2010

There is nothing wrong with your child... the thing is do not hit your child when she gets naughty, because this will create a temper in her and she will grow up to be an aggressive child... I am a school teacher and I have come across children who are often smacked by their parents from when they were little. They grow up and either close up to others or become aggressive and violent and believe me its hard trying to get these children to get out of that kind of behaviour. She will outgrow this behaviour... it just takes time and a whole lot of patience

Catherine - posted on 04/19/2010

My son does act quite the same. He gets really upset when I take something away, especially those which I think is harmful to him. He cries so loud, or makes himself throw up, or rolls on the flow.
The best thing I do is to tell him that if he doesn't stop, I will leave him where is he is.
I tell him that if he doesn't stop screaming, I'll leave . My pediatrician says that one thing that a child cannot stand is being abandoned or ignored. But be sure that you look like you mean what you say, that you are really leaving him if he continues to behave badly. Go outside from the room or the house for a few minutes. It works for me. After I have left him for a few minutes, he would realize that there is no one who would give him attention and would come looking for me. If I hear that he stopped screaming, I would return and gently reprimand him.

Melissa - posted on 04/19/2010

my lil ones the same and shes 20 months too...i get so frustaured that i get to the point i cant deal with her and get her dad to

Shannon - posted on 04/19/2010

I really thought I was the only one going through this phase..My daughter is 20 months also and when she doesn't get her way sometimes she hits but it's mainly just doesn't listen to what I say and everything is "MINES"..she'll listen to her dad but not me..it really bothers me because I'm home with her...we're not trying timeouts, sending her to her room with no toys and she does have a better attitude afterwards. She's also the only child and doesn't play well with other kids so we're doing playgroups now and she's been being a little bit better...I'm hoping and praying that she grows out of this stage very quickly!

Yelena - posted on 04/19/2010

Stick to your guns. The basics always work. Patience, plus love and a whole lot more patience will win in the end. DONT GIVE UP!

Stephanie - posted on 04/19/2010

Omg I'm so glad I'm not the only one lol my 20 month lil girl is a typical toddler. Energetic and aggressive. It is the age and its normal. They have so many things they are processing in their little minds and sometimes they are overstimulated. Their communication skills are often limited and so they act in the only way they know how which is manifested physically. What I do with my daughter is stay calm (cuz if you haven't noticed yet, they feed off your emotions) hold her little hands and look into her little eyes and say be nice sissy. I am a spanker as well but for this kid, she just looks at me like it didn't do anything. Gotta adjust to what works. For my 4 year old, time out works great cuz she wants to play and will do whatever she has to to be able to do that. I try not to use the word NO but sometime you can't avoid it. I replace no don't hit sister with yes love on sister. Be nice to sister. And distraction is awesome. Did I mention I just fly by the seat of my pants lol be flexible and creative and patient above all. Good luck!

Jen - posted on 04/19/2010

The responses below are very encouraging. My 21 month old son does the very same things and even thou I know it just a phase I real hate it and wish I could make him stop. My husband gets soooo upset and just makes things worse. I wish there was a magic spell to pass over this phase!

Tina - posted on 04/19/2010

Tumi- Yes you can! I tell my daughter when we are in restaurants or grocery stores that her behavior will earn her a trip to the car if it does not improve...
Do it once or twice and you won't have to deal with it again (in my case she gets incredible frustrated trying to buckle and unbuckle the straps...and starts acting up)
Now all I have to say is-"Do you want to go sit in the car to cool off?"

Tumi - posted on 04/19/2010

just reading the responses comforts my soul...I cant wait for the phase to be over...i use the timeout sessions because when i shout, he shouts back, and when I hit, he hits back. I find timeouts really work because when he comes out off timeout....he is a better little boy and even when i warn him that he is going to time out..he changes his behaviour...the only thing is i cant do timeouts in public...SIGH***

Lauren - posted on 04/18/2010

My son is going through the same thing right now! It just hard when I know the reason he is biting is because he is retaliating for getting things taken away from him by his older brother who is only 15 months older. I tell him no biting and put him in time out, but I feel bad at the same time cause I know he is only doing it because something was done to him. He never just lashes out at anyone for no reason but I know I have to correct the behavior or he will never learn. I tell his older brother that if he doesn't like being bit then he shouldn't take things away from him. But I don't really know what to do when I don't see what transpired. All I see is the aftermath of teeth marks in my older sons arm or back. It's rough right now but I am just trying to be consistent.

Nancy - posted on 04/18/2010

I'm kind of shocked at the number of spankers. Especially the ones who say they "choose" to spank. Why not "choose" something else? It's probably harder not to but I can't imagine spanking my 20 month old. She only misbehaves when we're not giving her enough attention. Just consider your part in it before you hit

Christina - posted on 04/18/2010

I thought I was the only one!!

Jessica - posted on 04/17/2010

dont feel bad my daughter threw a glass at her dad because he wouldn't giver a pickle :/ just roll with the punches (no pun intended) and keep your head up. I dont know many 25 yo with these problems so they do eventually grow out of them :0)

Vicki - posted on 04/17/2010

My son is starting the same types of behaviors...he is biting, hitting, throwing, etc. I spoke with a Behavior Analyst who said at this age it is difficult for them because they want things but can't express themselves, so "terrible two's" begin!! Her advice was not to use time out because most of the time you are tyring to get them to do something, they're not doing it, then you put them in time out and they still don't have to do what you want them to do. I was told to ignore a lot of the bad behavior because showing attention to it is reinforcing it...So I think it's a very normal stage and one that everyone just has to get through as best they can. You will find something that works for you. Every child is different...for example I could probably get my son to do almost anything for strawberries. :) Good Luck!