What happened to 'Parenting'?

Connie - posted on 09/15/2010

my child is very stuborn so i dont know how to deal with her when i tell her something she doesnt listen and the worst part is that i dont spoil her or anything like that so i dont know wat to do when i spank on the hand to try and make her listen she just hits me back. my sister says its the terrible 2s and she will grow out of it but in the mean time wat do i do???please help

Tiffany - posted on 09/12/2010

WHen I post on yahoo answers and tell people to spank their kids if they're behaving that badly, I get like 10 thumbs down lol.. But hey, MY son behaves, and theirs are little monsters who get away with murder!

Holly - posted on 09/06/2010

with you there...& i think it's funny when people look shocked that my daughter was saying "thank you" for sure by 18mos. but she just finally caught on to the "please" recently...
you show them the way it's done & they'll be quick to follow... but yes, a lot of parents anymore don't even pay that much attention to their child or child's development & it makes me so angry!!

Jenalyn - posted on 09/05/2010

I think that it is great to make a child accountable and to have them help and behave. I also believe that we shouldn't "shield" the public from how children really behave because it puts false standards out there. If we only brought our children out when they were well rested, fed, and clean then we wouldn't be allowing our childrend to grow through difficult situations. Nor would the parent grow. There is nothing to be embarassed about when a child acts out, that is when we are letting the child "control" us and we act silly by bribing. There is nothing wrong with parenting your child in public. This means giving them the best advantage but not putting high expectations on them if they are tired or hungry. My husband is 30 and amazing but he "acts out" when he's hungry. It's a no brainer.

Melissa - posted on 09/01/2010

@Anita - I completely understand how you feel. My kids are ages 6 and under and with #5 coming in a few weeks I sometimes wonder "why???". I have found that taking the kids out regularily and staying on top of them will help them learn whats right and whats wrong. If you keep them at home they will never learn and when you do go out it will be a nightmare (its like letting a child loose in a candy shop!). Keep at the discipline that you do give and I hope it gets better and better!!!

Anita - posted on 09/01/2010

I do agree, but every child is different!! My daughter does EVERYTHING I tell her to do (& she is only 14 months old..) BUT with my son, who is 24 months, it is a constant battle to make sure he does the right thing all the time. Now having my children 10 months apart hasn't helped matters and I would HATE other people to judge me. It is getting easier now that they are a bit older but there have been times when I have been tending to the little one while my son is tearing the place to bits. I scold him as soon as I can and make him see the error in his ways but like I said there have been times when I am changing the little one's nappy, which only takes a few minutes, but in that time it's enough for him to trash my house. Every day is a constant battle with my son, and every day I am EXHAUSTED from constantly scolding him. It's tough being a parent (to two kiddies born 10 months apart..). I suppose this is why I don't go out much. I only have to have my trolley parked near a shelf in teh supermarket and I turn away for a nanosecond and he is getting things off the shelf. I am 'onto' his behavoiur straight away but I would hate it if another person or parent judged me.

Melissa - posted on 09/01/2010

I am a mother of 4 and soon to be 5. Your answer totally put a smile on my face b/c I feel the same way!!

I have to admit I have done the bribe thing once or twice in totally desperate situations (never in a restaurant though! lol). There are times when certain things are totally out of your control and leaving is NOT an option. BUt thankfully my kids behave pretty good when we go out usually. Infact, i get people coming up to me telling me how well behaved and polite the kids are all the time (Now can they please do that at home too?? lol)

It really is all about the parent. If you stay on top of things at home it will rub off on them when you go out. I am not one for letting them run me over and do what they want. Its real hard sometimes but so worth it in the long run.

Jennifer - posted on 08/31/2010

My husband's family has commented on how "tough" I am on my son and their kids. I have seen how bad they are and my children will not be allowed to act that way. I can't tell you how many times I have been cussed out in baby/toddler because I wouldn't let my son do what he wanted to.

As for the "bad parenting" issue, it is bad but it is also lazy parenting. The parents are just too lazy to be parents. It is easier to let the kids do what they want than to teach them how to act. I see it all the time and it just reinforces in me that I am doing the right thing with my son.

Ashley - posted on 08/31/2010

I agree mostly with you but you have to realize some children have "issues". My son has (or so they think) hyposensitivity disorder, which means, everything is extreme. A stranger comes near him end of the world. Reason why I don't go out much is because he throws massive tantrums where he literally hurts himself....So in his case I have to act differant because hecan't control himself...everything is really hard for him. Not every child is the same. With my son you can't "force him" to do anything unless you want to listen to him scream for 3-4 hours.I think encouragement works better than "forcing" and if a child wants to be a heathen he does get punishments regardless. Just remember not every child is "normal" and some parents have to treat their kids differantly because of it. My son if you keep punishing him because he acted out (and this actually has been proven) he won't have confidence in us, therefore there will be more tantrums more acting out but once we started the methods we have been taught he actually acts 200% better!!!

Just remember too much negativity will erase the confidence a child has in you and therefore will equal a child that acts out. But yes I don't think a child should do certain things but children WILL thats what they do LOL

Brandi - posted on 08/30/2010

I completely agree with you Pamela !:)

Stacey - posted on 08/30/2010

I love to see so many passionate about their children's upbringing. Thank you Pamela for the reply. You are completely right. I think that if we can keep our expectations and disciplines consistent and do our jobs as parents we will be just fine.

Corinne - posted on 08/29/2010

Soooo with you on that. I'm having major issues with my 4yr old as she's been attending the school nursery in preparation for 'big school' (2 weeks to go!) and has seen what the other kids get away with. I have spent the entire summer holiday re-teaching her about acceptable behaviour and the consequences of 'being bad'. I am sick of hearing 'but Jesse/ Cain/ Megan/ Lucy/ whoever does/says it' Why won't these people be parents? Too much like hard work. Could also rant about this all day, but I'd get way too wound up! :)

Alice - posted on 08/29/2010

i feel the same but sometimes let it slip has i have a 4 month old and a 2 year old but really hate myself for it if i no im goin to have a bad day wit my 2 year old a dnt leave the house or make sure i have a second pair of hands with me but in the house he does want i say half the time except wen his dad say it ok leave it

Lisa - posted on 08/28/2010

I'm not really sure how to reply to this conversation but I really want to voice my opinion on the matter at hand. I feel like many of you are very judgmental towards others. Just because a parent is ignoring their screaming child in a store does not mean they are not being a parent...maybe that is THEIR technique of teaching their child that screaming does not get what the kid wants. Not only that, you may not know at all what that parent or child has gone through that day. Unless you constantly see the same parent allowing the same kind of behavior you probably have no idea how things really are (maybe it's always like that which is not a great thing but maybe that is just an off moment). My daughter is a good little girl but there are times when it doesn't matter what I try she just will not quit...and YES, I have done time out and I still do but even that does not work. No, I do not give in to the crying demands of my child and yes I do want and teach her to be polite but that doesn't mean I am going to go and slap some other parent just because I think they are doing a crappy job at being a parent. Getting two kids ready and finding the time to get to the store takes a lot sometimes and I will not turn around and go home just because my daughter refuses to calm down. She isn't always like that and sometimes you never know when a tantrum is going to happen. All I'm saying is don't be so judgmental unless you REALLY know the whole story and that goes for any place (restaurant included --maybe that is the one night (or the first time in a long time) in a month that the family got to go out). Although I do agree that if your kids are climbing on things that should not be climbed on or bugging people they don't know then the parent should take care of that situation. Just be careful about looking down your nose at another parent because someone may think that YOUR parenting techniques are wrong. Just because your child is a little angel when they were little does not mean they will be a great person when they are older and vice versa. Sorry to rant but I had to.

Tina - posted on 08/28/2010

Far and few between- but if you take a look around it's the people "flying by the seat of their pants" that still have reason! Stop reading books past pregnancy...or actually don't read parenting books.Go with your gut and not what some expert said you should do...

My daughter is 2 and I expect she uses Please and Thank You's if she wants/ get sth...
She is no stranger to time outs and has left the park, store...restaurant on occasion...all it usually takes is 5 minutes of sitting in her car seat and talking about why the behavior was not ok and she is good to go back into the store.
In restaurants she is usually good...for starters we always specify her food arrive with ours...more time to get hungry...and eat while we eat...if the food takes forever or the restaurant is busy I usually request the check when the food comes so we can chew and screw if needed...Nobody else should have to be miserable just because my child chooses not to behave...
So YES I'm with you! Time for people to tell their children NO and stop making excuses for their acting up!
My child suffers from SELECTIVE HEARING- can that be my excuse for her acting the fool?

Angela - posted on 08/28/2010

I just have to say you girls rock. I agree that you have to pick your battles sometimes and that you may have to change the way you handle situations depending on the child, but ultimately it sounds like we all expect the same thing - well-behaved kids who (generally) do what is expected of them, are polite, and will grow up to be contributing, positive members of society :)

I definitely do not judge those people that I see in public who have a kid that's having a bad day and they're proactively doing something about handling the situation. It's the ones that ignore their screaming, obnoxious children that I want to smack. :)

Judy - posted on 08/27/2010

OMG I'm so glad to see these posts!!!! If you had any idea the number of times that I've gotten up and left a store/restaurant/etc to prove to the kids that I'm serious about behavior.....Don't have to do it often with any one of them, but just a couple of times with each (I have 3). They get the hint!
My kids actually have to earn the privelage of going to the store with me. I'd rather do it at a time that is inconvenient that have kids with me if they can't behave. It's now become a contest between my eldest 2 to see who can go to the store most often.
My MIL thinks I'm awful b/c I expect the kids,even the 2 year old to behave in a restaurant. We go out to eat at least once/week with her. She always tells me "oh, no one minds when kids make noise...it's all okay". NO WAY. I know I don't like hearing them misbehave, why would total strangers? And yes, I make them sit at the table *gasp* until we are ALL done eating. No running around driving diners/servers crazy.
I actually caught my 7 year old apologizing to a woman for another kids behavior the other day. We didn't even know the child! But my daughter said that someone needed to apologize and it was obvious he wasn't going to. She said it loud enough that I know the other parent heard her. I'd have loved to have seen her reaction, but I didn't want to give away that I was paying it that much attention!

Pamela - posted on 08/27/2010

Stacey I completely agree, each and every child is different, as is each family and each situation. I agree pick your battles, but don't just say "well, you have to pick your battles" as an excuse to outsiders, actually pick a battle. you as a parent have to deside what skills and behaviours are important to you to instill in and teach your children. I was a nanny for many years before I had my own children, one of the children was severly autistic and would not respond to "normal" instructions or punishments. But I still held him accountable for his actions, he had consequences, ones tailored to his understanding and comfort levels. I was able to get results from him while still having a very happy and enjoyable day. I knew him well (and still do), loud noises, crowds and different smells triggered melt downs. I removed him from these situations calmly, with care and understanding.

but reguardless to personal choices I firmly believe that each parent and care giver has a JOB to do when parenting children. my personal theory is "you should raise children to become a successful member of society". if parents choose to let their children misbehave because they "don't want the fight" then that is the message that child will receive.
I want to teach my children that they are valuable and important, as are their actions, and those actions affect other people. I'm not saying my kids or the ones I used to care for are or were ever perfect, I'm talking about the choices the PARENTS are making, not the children. If your son does not respond to your attempts to curb his behaviour do you just stop trying? from your message I would think you don't give up on him. you sound like you are extreemly busy as are most moms these days, but that you have found what works for you.

I try to think of what my children will be like in 5 or 10 or 40 years, what skills would I like them to have? what education? mannors? I personally think that society as a whole is going the wrong way. I think that people should still hold doors for people, give up their seat to an elderly or pregnant person, say please and thank-you and excuse me, respect their elders (unless given a reason not to), and be respectful of people in public places. (but that is just not the direction our world is going - maybe I was born in the wrong decade!)

I want my children to independantly be able to make right and good choices, but I have to instill the values that will assist them in making these choices. My children are still very young and I have many years ahead of me to fight or not fight with them, and pick my battles.

you sound like you know what works for your children and that is how you parent them, thats perfect! thats what I want for my own parenting in the future. I'm more frustrated with the way I see parents reward bad behaviours because they "don't want to fight". I don't expect that all children will be perfectly behaved, but I think that parents should correct these behaviours (as each situation warrents). otherwise these poor children will think that these actions are accepable, and then when they ultamitely recieve a reality check (day care, school, sports, jobs) they won't know how to handle themselves. I think it is lazy parenting to leave it up to teachers, coaches, and bosses to teach acceptable behaviour to these children.

I'm really sorry if I sound jugmental of other parents, and in some ways I guess I am being jugemental. I want to let you know thaty I'm not looking at the moms who are trying to get results but have hard to deal with children as bad parents, because I most definately am not. I'm looking at the parents who seem to not notice these behaviours, or use bribes to try to curb them. I personally know of one poor little girl that was a product of one of these types of parents, she had a very poor reputation with her family and family friends. It was not the child's fault she was acting the way she knew would get her what she wanted.

I'm trying to say:
***find what works with your child(ren) and PARENT them***

Stacey - posted on 08/27/2010

I do and don’t agree with you. I applaud your parenting skills and think that your right about the role of the parent. But you must remember that every child is different. I had the same thoughts as you when I had my daughter. I was persistent and she listened to me. With my son on the other hand I have to take a different approach. I think that falls in line with parenting. I could not tell him to stop, then take the next step and then the next because he throws uncontrollable fits. You should not reward your child for bad behavior but once I had my second child I started to pick my battles because I felt that I was constantly getting on to my kids. You are doing a wonderful job with yours and have the right to be annoyed with other's parenting skills, but you must remember that everyone has a right to parent their children the way they find suitable (within reason). If my 2 yr old son will not pick up his toys even when I tell (not ask) he has that choice. But for every choice there are consequences. If he choices not to listen he has to sit in time out. Even though I have tried time and time again to MAKE him do what I say, ultimately in all situations he has the choice to go along or fight. (just as in life) I am a working mother of 2 that also goes to school I do not have time to always fight with the kids. I choose to spend my time with them happy (when possible). So just remember that not every child is the same and the methods you use may not work with every child, so try not to be so judgmental of other parents.

Maggie - posted on 08/27/2010

sounds like you didn't get your nap today...lol. Actually I'm totally with you on this. My kids are far from perfect and they have their days where they run wild but they know what's expected of them. If they can't behave nicely we leave - sometimes we go right home and sometimes we sit in the car and have a talk for a few minutes until they calm down and remember how to behave.
I don't think most parents realize that when they try to bribe their kids to act right they are actually encouraging bad behavior. The kid thinks "if I throw this on the floor I'll get a new toy!"
If my boys (2 and 4) don't pick up their toys after three times of asking then I pick them up and they go in a locked closet for a day. After a few times of that I very rarely get to the third time asking.
If the child's behavior is dependent on having a nap then don't go out if the child doesn't get a nap. This seems like common sense. Then again common sense has become so uncommon!

Jennifer - posted on 08/26/2010

oh and another thing, my son has EXCELLENT manners. if he needs something he comes to me and says please, and anytime he is given something he says thank you. and I think this is completely necessary! when people comment on his manners so much, it makes me feel good, but also makes me wonder what they teach their children? and omg, don't get me started on people teaching their kids curse words. I am a young mom, I'm 19 with a 2 year old, but I know darn well that this is a HORRIBLE thing to do. I have a few friends with kids who have taught them the entire curse word dictionary, and then LAUGH AT IT when they say it. and I just tell them, do you honestly think that's going to be funny when your child starts school and comes home with a note saying they got punished severely because they called the teacher a b****?!?! I think this is beyond horrible. If you ask me, it's mental abuse. You can't teach a kid these words and then yell at them later on because they said it. What idiots!

Jennifer - posted on 08/26/2010

I couldn't have said this ANY better. I don't tolerate any no's or won't do's from my child. I do the same thing as you. If he tells me no, or doesn't take a nap and acts like a heathen, he get's a time out. He doesn't get any kind of rewards if he listens, other than me clapping and saying good boy. He doesn't hit, bite, or take away toys from any other kids. He doesn't scream when other kids take things from him. He just deals with it and finds something else to play with. And that is one thing that also irritates me. Play dates with parents who don't control their children! My child is not hitting, pinching, biting, or punching your child, so can you please stop your kid from doing it to mine???? You are the parent! YOU MAKE them stop. My son is the typical 24 month old also, in fact he just turned 2 yesterday. But when I go out in public and see all these other 2 year olds controlling their parents, I just want to smack the mom and dad! We have high expectations from our son as well, and maybe that's what makes him such a good and advanced child. I think plenty of other people really need to read this! I hate going to restaurants and stores and such to hear people do these things like bribing their kids, or their kids throwing complete tantrums and them just ignoring it. It gets quite aggravating bc if my kid is doing it I pack up and leave so I don't have to be disturbed bc my kid is going nuts. I really just couldn't have said this any better. I could also rant and rave about this forever!!!

Angela - posted on 08/25/2010

Pamela, the spoiled brat children make me CRAZY!!!!!!!! I always want to smack them, then smack the parents for letting them act like that. Ugh.

@Mary, that's too funny! Our pedi actually asked me the same thing and I was like, seriously? It's not about what she wants, it's about what's best for her, whether she likes it or not (thankfully my daughter likes to brush her teeth, hehe).

And the "please" and "thank you" thing. People are always commenting on how polite my daughter is. She's 2 and it's automatic that she say please and thank you. I don't think she understands why she needs to yet, but she knows that she has to, so she does. Why is it that those words cause people to freak out about how "good" and "polite" my 2 year-old is?! Shouldn't it be standard that kids say please and thank you? Good lord.

Pamela - posted on 08/25/2010

Thank-you ladies! When I read most of the comments I wanted to shout "EXACTLY! THANK-YOU!"

I laughed at MARY's comment because I feel the exact same way... Let me? like if my son said no I'm supposed to be like "oh, i'm so sorry baby, you tell mommy when you are ready." I really don't think so!


KRISTA You are right, you should be able to enjoy your dinner, at least you have the expectation of your son to sit and eat, and if he doesn't you address his behaviour, not make it the other patron's problem. (This comment came from two very specific examples, 1-fast food restaraunt: a family of 4 mom, dad, 10 year old son & 12-18 month old daughter- the daughter STOOD on the table while the family ate & they periodically fed her french fries, and the son fliped over the table and then under the table to swich sides for every other bite. 2- family restaraunt: a father sitting at a table with two children's cups... where were the kids? he had no idea! they ran through the bar area and into the kitchen, in the serving area, and behind the bar, they were 6ish and 3ish!) And I'm assuming that you don't just sit there and try to bribe your son with ice cream!

I think watching my sister bride and coddle my neice has really made me notice this type of behaviour. I'm surprized my niece doesn't hate me because i don't put up with her crap, like her parents do. she is older then my son by about 18 months, so they love spending time together, but she is also a major influence on him. He is entering the awesome temper tantrum stage! he is acting shy with people he knows but he is not violent or rude. people comment on his good mannors which makes me feel good. When he is having a tantrum he gets one warning, then he goes into his crib, when he stops screaming or crying I go in ask if he is ready to behave and if so, I let him join us. I take control of the situation. I'm always telling my husband "YOU ARE BIGGER THEN HIM, JUST PICK HIM UP!"

Kelley - posted on 08/24/2010

@Krista - I think the fact that you're *addressing* your son's behavior is a major thing. A lot of people just let their kids act out, throw food, scream and cry and they don't address it and try to correct the behavior. I have a whole lot more respect for someone like you than someone like that. :)

Krista - posted on 08/24/2010

i agree with you on everything EXCEPT the restaraunt..My husband & i rarely get 2 go out 2 eat with our 2yr old son, so when we do, i plan on sitting there and eating my dinner, whether he acts up or not. When he starts acting up, i take him 2 the bathroom & bust his butt. Why should i have 2 leave because of his bad behavior when i should b enjoying my dinner?

Susan - posted on 08/23/2010

As I was reading this, I felt like you and I are the same person. My husband and I are totally in agreement with everything you said. We don't tolerate poor behavior in public or at home. We do understand that two year olds can have their moments, but overall they are old enough to know what is expected and have consequences. All the time friends are telling me their kids do this or that or don't do this or that and they make it seem like they have no control over the situation. You have to start from a young age with expectations and don't deviate from them. Like the other mom said, once you start rewarding your kids to get them to stop behaving badly, they are just going to continue to do that to get the prize, whatever it is. Kids are programmed to test us and push our buttons and it will only get worse if we start giving in now.

Kelley - posted on 08/22/2010

I am SO with you on this! I am an "old school", old fashioned parent. I expect my daughter to obey me, because that is the right thing to do. I expect my daughter to say please and thank you, because that is the right thing to do. She just turned two yesterday, and she is a happy, good, polite little girl. I'm not a perfect parent and I don't have parenting figured out by any means, but I have expectations that children should have manners. I'm so sick of seeing these little monsters who are mean and rude to other children and even adults. It makes me want to shake their parents and yell "you're not doing your kids any favors by letting them behave that way!!"

Mary - posted on 08/22/2010

I am completely with you! Even at the doctor's office last week he asked if she "let me" brush her teeth. I wanted to say "let me? it's really not negotiable.' but I just said yes.

Angela - posted on 08/22/2010

I totally agree with you! Unfortunately we do have bad days where my daughter hasn't napped and is acting like a heathen, but those are few and far between and I know enough not to take her out in public when she's like that. I don't want to deal with the embarassement of having a toddler acting like a nut job, nor do I think other people should have to listen to her tantrum. I understand that she is "just" 2 and is going to have her moments, but if I tell her to do something and she won't or tells me no, her but goes into her bedroom for a time out. My mother didn't put up with that crap from me, and I won't put up with it from her.

Angel - posted on 08/19/2010

I so agree with you! I will admit that my lil girl has her moments but when I tell her to do something she knows I mean buisness....I do the same thing...I tell her nicely, tell her firmly, then assist her if she doesnt listen. If that doesnt work all the toys get picked up...she goes in for a time out and she's not allowed to play with her toys for a certian amount of time. Bribing children does not work! The next time you go in a store they are going to do the same thing just to get something out of it.