At what month do i start to ignore her crying?

Jackie - posted on 12/06/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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She is 4 months. Should i start to ignore her for awhile when she starts to cry or do i pick her up right away? Will it seem to needy or bad parenting?

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Elissa - posted on 12/06/2009

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A few minutes is different. I usually wait until I know if Struan actually wants something or if he's just gurning and will settle again. As I said, you're the mum, you know your baby. But allowing a child to actually cry to sleep - called crying it out - is damaging, and not just at 10 - 15 minutes. You both have to communicate.

Summer - posted on 12/06/2009

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exactly. a baby needs to be able to soothe themself at times too..not saying we wont be around but to cry once in a while for a very small ammount of time is normal

Krista - posted on 12/06/2009

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I agree with the others -- sometimes Sam will cry and fuss a bit when going to sleep (or at various points throughout the night while he's sleeping), and I leave him be. If I went to him every time, then it would just keep waking him up all the way, and then it'd be even harder for him to settle.
I can tell when he's seriously awake and crying because he needs something -- and that's when I go to him right away.

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Tiffany - posted on 12/08/2009

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You should NEVER ignore a baby's cry! That is their way of communicating. How would you feel if you were ignored when you were trying to get someone's attention?

Babies need the constant attention, some need more than others. Figure out what is wrong with them, then they will quit.

Elissa - posted on 12/07/2009

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babies dont need to cry thats nonsense



that attitude is learned, goes against nour instincts and results in our 25% mental illness rates

cultures where children are with mum 24/7 and are cuddled to sleep every night have none of the problems we do

Elissa - posted on 12/07/2009

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I'm sorry but your doctor is being misleading. The cortisol levels produced when a baby is left to cry themselves to sleep have been shown to hinder brain development in the emotional centres. Psychologists also suggest it interferes with your bby's trust in you.



I'm not calling anyone a bad parent - its advice that is doled out on a regular basis but has no evidence base at all and was devised in the 50s as a form of control. Your dr isn't up to date on the lastest research and should be keeping their knowledge base current.



That said there is a huge difference between letting them cry to sleep under stress and them crying because they are overtired. As I said, I give Struan a little time to see what he needs and it isn't always picked up. But if your body is telling you to pick them up rather than let them lie, you should do it - we have these instincts for a reason!



Babies are not adults, or even children, they are not manipulating you, they are indicating they need you for something and giving it now might take time but will pay off in the long run because kids whose needs are addressed sooner rather than later sleep better, are more independent and have far lower incidence of mental illness and behavioural problems later in life.



Every mum does things differently and every baby is different. We all get there evenetually so its up to you :)

Jessica - posted on 12/06/2009

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i agree, at 4 months they are very smart!! my son will fuss a little inbetween sleep cycles too and i just let him go, he falls back to sleep in about 5 minutes and some days i dont hear a peep from him.



One day he did this horrible cry, sounded like someone was stabbing him, like he was in the worst pain and i ran in there and put my hand on him and he opened his eyes and started laughing!!!!! and he continued to laugh at me for about 10 minutes! obviously happy with himself that he got me. lol. So i now have to ignore that cry too. When my husband is home he bungs it on worse cos he will pick him up and my son knows it!! they are so smart, they will try anything to not go to sleep, crying, choaking, coughing, vomiting, he's starting the coughing every now and then, lol cheeky little thing.



If we were to go and grab them everytime my son would work it out and cry every 5 minutes, id be up 10 times a night!!! and thats what was happening, so i started to let him go and now he sleeps from 7pm to 7am and i dont get a peep out of him.

Summer - posted on 12/06/2009

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it even says..when a baby is crying..dont go up and grab him/her right away..see if the baby can put themselves to sleep before grabbing them. its obvious that if the baby starts howling then grab them

Jessica - posted on 12/06/2009

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Quoting Summer:

he was crying because he was tired. i put him down.. he cried for a few mins and just stopped and went to sleep. i dont think there is anyhting wrong with that. i dont think rocking your baby to sleep every night is good. babies need to cry. dont get me wrong. i hate when my son cries..it breaks my heart. but sometimes i let him. not for to long.. but just a little bit. if i know there is something wrong.. like hes hungry.. or needs to be changed or something or wants to cuddle.. thats what ill do.. but when he is just over tired.. which happens if he is awake for more than 2 hrs.. him crying for 5 mins or less is fine. if he doesnt stop then something else is wrong



I agree with you Summer, i also let my boy cry a little when going to sleep (he's 4 months too) i don't think there is anything wrong with it either, i make sure i give him clear messages when its sleep time, so we change his nappy out him in his sleeping bag, and a cuddle then into bed.



If he is over tired he will start his whinging when im putting on his sleeping bag, but i don't put him in bed crying, i wait till he stops then out his to bed, give him his little teddy and he will fuss or about 2-3 minutes then he's asleep.



I think as mothers we tune into our babies cries so we can tell if its a bady cry or if its an over tired one, although the over tired ones are normally the worst, haha high pitched and grunty at times, so i know he will be alseep soon when i hear that cry.



I think follow your instincts, if your not comfortable to let her cry then don't. Most doctors and baby nurses will tell you that crying does not hurt them, thats why they advise if your baby is crying uncontrollably and you need a break put the baby down somewhere safe and go take 5-10 minute break yourself, as long as your baby is in a safe place crying will not hurt them.



I have spoken with my doctor about this crying it out thing damaging their brains and creating trust issues and she says its not true. My doc also have 7 kids of her own, and she said that she ended up letting a few of her kids cry and they are fine today no trust issues with herself or anyone else and no learning difficulties or anything like that. So i think its just up to you what you feel comfortable with.



At the end of the day YOU know whats best for your baby and yourself, just follow your insticts and you will be fine!



 



good luck =)

Summer - posted on 12/06/2009

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he was crying because he was tired. i put him down.. he cried for a few mins and just stopped and went to sleep. i dont think there is anyhting wrong with that. i dont think rocking your baby to sleep every night is good. babies need to cry. dont get me wrong. i hate when my son cries..it breaks my heart. but sometimes i let him. not for to long.. but just a little bit. if i know there is something wrong.. like hes hungry.. or needs to be changed or something or wants to cuddle.. thats what ill do.. but when he is just over tired.. which happens if he is awake for more than 2 hrs.. him crying for 5 mins or less is fine. if he doesnt stop then something else is wrong

Summer - posted on 12/06/2009

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my son will be 4 months on the 20th of december.. and i ignored him for a few mins today and he went straight to sleep. i heard that if your baby cries for more than 10 or 15 mins then there is something wrong.. less than that...then theyre just fussy..

Elissa - posted on 12/06/2009

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Never never never!



Ignore a baby's needs increases her cortisol levels by stressing her out. This hinders brain development in certain areas of the brain, places stress on the rest of her body and will have long term effects.



Not only this it has emotional effects too. She will learn that you will not respond to her communication that she needs you. Most children then either become clingy and insecure or withdraw, becoming too independent too early. Cry it out works with very few, very easy going children who would probably settle themselves anyway. You need to build trust between you so she can develop herself.



When she cries your body reacts, if you breastfeed your breasts will become tender and may leak, you feel the urge to pick her up. She isn't manipulating you - she is telling you she needs something so just give it to her please. Follow your instincts.



Allowing babies to cry was thought up in the early twentieth century by a man. It is about controlling and dominating your child, teaching her to rely on herself because she cannot rely on her parents. If she wont settle the Baby Sleep Book by William and Martha Sears is fantastic. But please please please dont ignore your child when she needs you. It isnt intentional bad parenting as we're all told to do it and I keep getting told I am ruining my son, but you will know when she is older when she needs you and when she can be left by your own instinct.



Until then just think - if you woke suddenly and wanted a cuddle, wouldn't you expect your partner to give you one? If you are sitting watching tv and your toddler wants a cuddle, wouldnt you pick them up? Why do less for a baby?

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