ADVICE PLEASE !!!!!

Priscilla - posted on 04/18/2013 ( 9 moms have responded )

5

0

0

Hi my name is Priscilla, I am a single mother of two . My son Joshua is 5 years old and my daughter Briana is 3 years old.



My son Joshua was diagnosed with mild autism/ asperger/ they have so many other names for this when he was a year old.

The past 3 years we have been transitioning from a divorce to moving, to changing nannies and i know that for Josh it's very difficult. A change in anything from our daily routine to just life causes a meltdown :-(, but lately I 've noticed his meltdowns are getting aggressive, (not harmful) just him yelling, saying mean things, and I already know it's because he is overly stimulated, tired, hungry, or just wants handys (that's his soothing comfort , he will grab my hand and just place it on his face, his head, or just jump up and down with it, gets excited, it sort of calms him down sometimes it's excessive) then there is the part that he does things that needs to be disciplined and this is where I am totally LOST, overwhelmed and wanting to pull my hair out! HOW do i discipline him? i've tried timeouts, i've tried, raising my voice, (he has a sensory problem so yelling i try NOT to do as frustrating as it can be) i've tried the whole chart stuff and rewards, im running out of options and driving myself CRAZY! SIGH.... I understand that he sometimes just doesn't get it and consistency and routine has to be implemented, BUT there are just things (like saying mean things or hitting, putting things in his mouth) he shouldn't be doing. how do you discipline your autistic child?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Ahlmann - posted on 04/19/2013

15

0

2

This reminds me of Louis Theroux's documentary following a couple of autistic kids, where a single mother made the agreement with a child that if it gets a temper tantrum/gets upset, they go to their room and do whatever they feel like (often destroying own toys in the rage). Afterwards the child came down and apologized to his mum for getting so angry. It was a very meaningful moment in my opinion.

In my understanding (being a father with Aspergers and "normal" children), its all about controlling what we feel like and what we want to do. and autistics dislike being controlled and told what to do even more than a "normal" human would. Learning what and what not you can do is very important for any child, and with a child being able to freely rage and destroy his own possesions he can learn a valuable lesson of action and consequences, which will help if a parent can talk calmly and non-judgemental about the occurence of these events. Through action and consequence compassion can be taught, for there is no difference between the attachment of the child and it's destroyed toy or between you and one of your valued possesions. They are the same feelings, and trough this agreement with the child comes the possibility for the child to discover these valuable lessons.

It may take some time and effort but i hope you can see to that this will greatly benefit you both in the long run Priscilla.

Maggie - posted on 04/18/2013

80

11

20

My daughter is allowed to yell, but only in her room. If she needs to meltdown, I try to help her before she gets too worked up. If I can't help or she doesn't want my help, she has to go to her room to shout or kick. It is perfectly okay in there. She can come out when she is done.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

9 Comments

View replies by

Ahlmann - posted on 06/07/2013

15

0

2

I'm thankful you found my comment meaningful Priscilla, sorry it took so long for me to respond.

First and foremost I would say don't be so hard on yourself, it's tough enough as it is I can imagine.

Your story reminds me of my wife when we would argue and fight and no matter how we tried to explain or resolve we couldn't stop. After a while she just stopped and asked if we could just hug for a moment. That would make us feel so much better that either we just forgot about the issue or were able to explain ourselves without getting all emotional.

Every human being needs physical human contact, especially children, and maybe even more so children with these kind of problems.

It's amazing to read about the progress you have made, and creative solutions you think of, so don't be sad if you couldn't understand everything immediatly, it's all part of the process. And considering how I am still not able to always communicate my emotions properly, you can be very proud of your 5yo for doing so.

Sophia - posted on 04/20/2013

193

0

40

SO SORRY FOR YOU UPS AND DOWN.. LETS JUST LOOK AT YOU AND JOSH...HE CANT UNDERSTAND ALL THATS GOING ON HIS WORLD. HE WANTS HIS WORLD TO STAY THE SAME.. ITS PAINFULL TO EXPLAIN ..HE YELLS,HE HITS ... YOU ARE OLDER AND KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF. YOU MAY WANT TO HIT,PULL OR SAY SOMETHING MEAN... BUT YOU ARE NOT A CHILD ..SO YOU DONT DO IT. BETWEEN ME AND YOU NEVER FEEL LIKE HITTING OR PUSHING OR EVEN SAYING SOMETHING MEAN DURING THESE CHANGES... ///?????? bet you have... give THAT BOY A HUG FOR ME.

Priscilla - posted on 04/19/2013

5

0

0

Maggie, I'm guessing at that moment he couldn't express it the light just triggered his sensory issue, His sensory issues have become worse lately I've noticed. So i'm trying to observe what triggers his meltdowns. But with autistic children SOME not all, are not able to tell u or rather explain to you HOW it really feels when there sensory is over stimulated so the tantrum/meltdowns, /behavioral reactions go into full affect...

I do not allow josh to destroy any of his toys, I have sat him down and explained cause and effect, toys are not to be thrown because.. , chewed on, or broken period... i have gone thru quite some expensive toys with him he has minimized doing so, but still has an issue with nibbling/biting some of my daughters barbies hands...

a punching bag sounds like a good idea.. let his frustrations out instead of throwing toys across the room..

Maggie - posted on 04/19/2013

80

11

20

Wow. It is great that he was able to tell you after the fact, but I think if were able to tell you in the moment, he would have. I disagree with letting a child destroy things unless there is no alternative. I let my daughter go to her room because it is a safe place. No harm will come to her.

If he is likely to destroy things, try removing those things. Give him something he can't damage. Maybe a kid's punching bag?

Priscilla - posted on 04/19/2013

5

0

0

Thank YOU soo much ahlmann...

That's exactly what josh does. He would get upset, scream yell, go to his room and throw his toys, Sometimes i let him just "get over it" and then he realizes and comes to apologize...

Talking to josh sometimes just makes the situation worst, Sometimes I think he just wants to be held, or rather me give him my hand (which is his comfort, soothing for him) So i try that, but he laughs at me, and I tell him it's not a joke, it can become frustrating so i let him just be, am i wrong, does that teach him it's OK to then? it's not the message i want to get across.

I started to get books (since he loves being read to, and to look at books) about emotions. It has helped with him learning how to express his emotions, anxiety, worries better... but not all the time.. THIS morning he had a complete meltdown took an hour to get over :-(... (while me 3 yr old that is "normal" sat and watched and asked mom why is he soo cranky?) after an hour he finally told me "mom the light bothers my eyes in the morning when u wake me up, that's why i was under my covers telling you "NO" .. so i kneeled down with TEARS in my eyes and told him "baby, next time please tell me this and i will gladly turn off the light :-((.... "

Ahlmann - posted on 04/19/2013

15

0

2

This reminds me of Louis Theroux's documentary following a couple of autistic kids, where a single mother made the agreement with a child that if it gets a temper tantrum/gets upset, they go to their room and do whatever they feel like (often destroying own toys in the rage). Afterwards the child came down and apologized to his mum for getting so angry. It was a very meaningful moment in my opinion.

In my understanding (being a father with Aspergers and "normal" children), its all about controlling what we feel like and what we want to do. and autistics dislike being controlled and told what to do even more than a "normal" human would. Learning what and what not you can do is very important for any child, and with a child being able to freely rage and destroy his own possesions he can learn a valuable lesson of action and consequences, which will help if a parent can talk calmly and non-judgemental about the occurence of these events. Through action and consequence compassion can be taught, for there is no difference between the attachment of the child and it's destroyed toy or between you and one of your valued possesions. They are the same feelings, and trough this agreement with the child comes the possibility for the child to discover these valuable lessons.

It may take some time and effort but i hope you can see to that this will greatly benefit you both in the long run Priscilla.

Priscilla - posted on 04/19/2013

5

0

0

Thanks maggie. I will try to see if this helps. But its difficult to try to keep him in the room. SIGHHH........

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms