Am I in the right, or my parents?

Cynthia - posted on 10/14/2010

You are trying to respect the childs wishes. Grandparents have expectations, just as us parents, the only thing is WE live with our kids and understand, they dont. You should try to help them understand that the touching makes him sad and try to figure out Other things they could do to show affection without crossing his lines. Maybe a high five or fist bump to represent a kiss. He is a boy and naturally will not want to be hugged and kissed as he gets older. I do understand people not accepting your limits or wishes. My inlaws have nothing to do with my one more severe Autistic. (Both my parents have passed) Be glad you and your son have them wanting to be active in his life. Compromise can be difficult but is well worth the struggle. Good luck.

Lanae - posted on 10/14/2010

Does your mother have hot flashes? If she does ask if she wants to be hugged when she is having them. If your son is oversensitive to touch it can be just as uncomfortable. Try painting a word picture to help them understand how your son feels. Maybe describe it like being hugged w/a bad sunburn. It also takes time to bond w/children w/autism. My son is undersensitve to touch so he loves bear hugs from me & my husband. Our respite provider would give Timothy a quick hug to work her way in to his world when she first started caring for him. Now he gives her big hugs when he sees her, but it took time. My parents had hard time bonding w/him at first, but they live closer now & see him more. He has now gotten where he gets exctied to see them & trys to play w/ Papa, but it took a long time. It was hard for them, because they wanted to be close to him, but they learned to respect his space. They are still learning to understand him, but at least they are trying to understand.

Judi - posted on 10/14/2010

Yeah - children (all children) learn from modelling behaviour, at the moment your parents are modelling ignore someone saying "NO" to physical contact. It's not good modelling. I love the idea of taking your parents to the doctor with you. But I don't think this is an ASD issue, I think this is a boundry issue that your parents are over stepping.

In saying that my son and I don't chase around the house with the kissing game (but it's gerenally to stop biting)

Brooke - posted on 10/14/2010

Do your parents not understand that what they are doing is actually classed as sexual assault? If a person says no, then that means no. It does not matter if it is family or not. I agree that you should maybe teach him a handshake. If all else fails, tell him if someone forces him to kiss or cuddle, to yell out "I didn't say you can touch me!" It sounds pretty full-on, but trust me, it will make pretty much anyone back off. Your parents need to understand that your son has the power over his own body, and that includes kisses and cuddles.

Christi - posted on 10/13/2010

you are not being mean to your parents. my son has a sensory disorder and cannot stand to be touched, it is like it causes him physical pain. if he feels like hugs and kisses, then we take all we can get, but if he doesn't then we don't force it on him. my father and his wife as well as my husband's mother do not care nor understand nor want to understand his condition, which is why they no longer see my son. if your parents cannot respect not only yours but your son's wishes, then maybe they need to take a break for a while.

Aneita - posted on 10/12/2010

My son has a diagnosis of pdd, he loves to give hugs and kisses...but sometimes he just says no. I have had to take my parents to the doctors with me when I talk to the doc about my sons diagnosis. They heard it from the doctors and then they finally just stopped asking and if my son wants to hug and or kiss someone he will on his own. Maybe you just need to have the doctors talk to your parents or your husbands parents. It worked for me with mine. I hope that helps. All the best wishes that it works out for you and your family.

Meta - posted on 10/12/2010

I agree with everyone out there. I would also suggest that your parents should watch "Temple Grandin" the movie is on red box right now."Temple Grandin" is a movie about a woman with Autism who overcame great obstacles.Temple could not even hug her mother BUT her mother respect Temple's safe zone. I am a mother of almost 10 and I am fortunate that he is affectionate. But some days he does not want to be kissed and I need to respect that. Otherwise I am just showing the negative of what affection is saying. Ask your parents What does this affection mean, because Love, unconditional love is listening to the others needs and especially a child's needs should come first!!!!! Best of Luck to you and hang in there!!!

Rhiannon - posted on 10/12/2010

You are completely right! Stick to your guns! Its easy to say not to let them see him from my shoes, but i know its not easy for you seem in so there your parents but maybe you can get them to go to a class that a local place offers for free on autism and see if a professional telling them sinks in.. I am so sorry!

Annette - posted on 10/12/2010

Tell them if they can't respect your sons feelings that he can refuse to have any contact with them. And you do respect his wishes!!! :-)

DiAnna - posted on 10/12/2010

I hate to point this out, because it just seems evil, but if someone outside the family were to see that, your parents could be turned in to CPS for sexual abuse. Forcing affection from a child IS sexual abuse. Therefore, NO, you are NOT being mean to your parents by not allowing them to force themselves on him



I have two sons on the spectrum, and both fall at the opposite end, being VERY affectionate, but my nephew who is also on the spectrum is NOT. It's not easy for those who don't deal with it daily to accept, but they HAVE to.

Shelly - posted on 10/12/2010

Do it to him. No, seriously, when Grandpa's deeply involved in something very important, forcibly grab him by the head and kiss him hard all over his face. Every time he tries to go back to the important thing he was doing, do it again. Then ask him how he feels about it.

Ann - posted on 10/12/2010

In my opinion...you are sooo right! Your son has a right to his 'safe' space so to speak. If he doesn't want to be touched he has that right. Continuing to force him could cause him to pull back more I think. He's already confusecd and having someone force themselfs on you might add a fear to the already confusing feeling. Maybe you could get your parents some literature on his issues and highlight his behaviors so they can see the simularities and perhaps learn that its real and how to help instead of hinder the situation.

Julie - posted on 10/11/2010

This does bother me.....we have a 9 yr. old with autism, it is hard to learn that you have to take evrything on his terms... on how he is able to or willing to relate. The autistic have sensory issues where we don't and its hard to understand; little noises that we think nothing of really bother them to the point even of physical pain; where sweet little touches can feel like hard punches or whispers can seem like screams. To me forcing hugs & kisses is almost tortuous to an autistic; it is hard to accept but once you understand that this kid has a hard enough time relating at all much less in a normal sense. What worries me is forcing the issue could push your son further into the isolation mode which is really really sad. Maybe ask them to consider the possibility that autism is real....taking the "gamble" to them that it is real; is that better than gambling with their grandson's well being?

You need to stand firm; point out that despite what they think the docs have been trained to catch this; if they believe in downs syndrome or cerebal palsy or general mental retardation then why can't they believe in autism? It too is a brain disorder!!! Good luck!!

Sheila - posted on 10/10/2010

Hi Debbie,

ASD or not, no one should force a child to accept hugs and kisses if that child has said no. I would not wait a few days, I would be physically standing between myself and the offending adult and tell them straight off, he has said no kisses, that means no kisses. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc do not have the right to circumvent your expressed instructions and no one has the right to physically restrain a child in order to receive "affection." That is just too much for me!

Sheila

Michelle - posted on 10/10/2010

I believe people who do not have a child this way cannot understand, they just cant , they have no idea what we are going thru with our children, I think you are absolutely right and i would get very firm with them over this and tell them if they continue to not respect him and how your son feels then maybe he shouldnt be around them, or ask them to attend some sort of class or therapy about autism. This helped my family out alot. I had the same trouble but they have done much better with her sensory issues since they started learning info on autism off the internet and proffesionals. I hope this helps hun. Stick to how you feel as a parent do not let them make you second guess urslelf as u know best for your child! ~Michelle~ blmgtn. IN

Deb - posted on 10/09/2010

Definitely not! You have tried to explain it and ask them to listen when he feels uncomfortable. I know that many people doubt things said about autistic children, even family. They often do not see or deal with many of the things that we, as parents, deal with on a daily basis. I read a book called "Cowboy and Wills". It was the most realistic explaination of what a parent deals with. I went on Amazon and bought several copies and passed them out to teachers, family and friends in hopes that they would understand as well. Just a thought.

Judi - posted on 10/08/2010

Do a "supernanny" on them: get them to go on their knees and then you (standing) come up to them hold them (the same way) and force kisses on them. Sometimes grown-ups need to be reminded that they are BIG and tower over children.

Cindy - posted on 10/08/2010

You are definitely not mean to your parents. My son is eight and has Aspergers. He is also not affectionate to everybody, only to me (sometimes), and only on his terms.

I believe wether the child is On th Autism Spectrum or not, they shouldn't be forced to kiss and cuddle if it makes them uncomfortable.

Your parents should just except the fact that he isn't like that. We tought our son to greet people with a handshake, and he is fine with that, and if other people aren't that's their problem!!!!!! Good luck, I really hope you can convince your parents to respect your, and your son's, wishes.