Am I The Only One?!

LeeAnn - posted on 09/15/2009 ( 43 moms have responded )

201

30

15

Ok, so this is kind of a rant / question... Am I the only mommy of an Autistic child who gets tired of hearing other moms, who don't have Autistic children, or even special needs children, say "I know how you feel"?! I get soooo aggravated!! I know that they are just trying to help, but in truth, they have absolutely NO CLUE how I feel, or what I deal with on a daily basis. I love my daughter, and can't even begin to tell you how special she and her sissy are to me, but it isn't a bed of roses! She has tantrums, and screaming fits, and communication problems. Her sister is younger, so she mimmicks her sister all the time. I don't want to seem ungrateful for the attempt at support, but I feel like they don't know what to say, so they say they know how I feel. Any advice on how to respond would be great!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Brooke - posted on 09/16/2009

16

23

1

I have a 5 yr. old son with severe autism and a 3 yr. old son that has no problems. He mimics my 5 yr. old also and it scares me and it drives me nutty at the same time, lol. I hear what your saying about the neuro-typical mommies trying to empathize with something they couldn't even imagine. I want to scream sometimes. Your daughter sounds like she does a lot of the same things my son does, the trantrums and screaming and stimming. He has a lot of sensory issues too and they stare at his weighted vest like I am just trying to tire him out. I hate the stares. I just remember that I am not alone in this. There are way to many of us mommies out there struggling with this behind closed doors and wearing a fake smile in public. Don't feel ungrateful. Everyone needs a moment or two to vent, parents of all types need it, we are no different. I honestly think our job is one of the hardest jobs in the world to do with to little recognition in doing it. Good luck to you, stay strong!!!

Alicia - posted on 09/17/2009

32

22

7

I have two special needs kids - one is autistic and the other ADHD. My son (who is 18) was not diagnosed with autism until he was 10 or 11 years old. He was diagnosed with hyperactivity - but I knew something else was wrong. He didn't speak until he was 4, potty training was delayed, he'd have tantrums and knock out windows or put holes in the walls at the age of 3. When my youngest was diagnosed with ADHD, I told the doctor that there was no way he could be hyper - my oldest was hyper and they acted nothing alike. It all clicked when they finally changed the diagnoses.



My family was always the worst about lack of understanding. I would ask them to help watch the kids occasionally, and they would tell me "No. You let them run out of control." I would try to explain, but they said it was just an excuse. I ended up raising them all by myself. I would tell them I really need a break. My dad told me "I raised your sister and you and we never said we needed a break." Of course, he didn't have a special needs child.



When someone thinks they understand, I tell them that "there are some aspects of parenting that we have in common, but unless you have a special needs child, there are some obstacles that you truly can't grasp. I appreciate you trying to empathize with me; however, our frustrations are very different."

Tricia - posted on 09/16/2009

13

5

0

I also hate the "I really don't know how you do it!" comment. Really do they think I want to hear that too? And if you try and talk about autism or situations you have been through you can actually see their eyes glaze over. I have a friend that has a child with CP and has trouble walking, etc. Her favorite comment is "I am so glad that Dean's disabilities are all physical." WTF? What kind of comment is that.

Sorry for the rant but thank you for listening.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

43 Comments

View replies by

Kathy - posted on 09/23/2009

4

8

0

You have every right to feel that way. It isn't easy to raise children that are autistic. It is a 48 hr day in 24 hrs. My daughter has been dealing with it for many many years. I am very proud of the way she handles my grandson. He is 16 now and in a man's body but a child's mind. It isn't easy at all. There really isn't anything you can say honestly.They don't know what to say, so the first thing that comes to mind is*** I know how you feel***

Andrea - posted on 09/23/2009

9

6

2

I also get really tired of hearing that!! Short of being rude there is not much to say to them. With family its easy to tell them they have no clue because they will let it slide...after all, your family!! As for random people who see me and my boys in a store, when they say that I cringe! I have been known to ask them if they, too, have an autistic child. They usually say no so I tell em they actually have no idea..with a big smile! Further conversation or comments usually ends there!

Christina - posted on 09/22/2009

8

5

1

My mother always tells me that and it drives me crazy. My oldest has this lovely habit of screaming that he has to go potty over and over when we go to any store, and five minutes after we take him to the pot he will do it all over again. No one really understands if they do not have an autistic child of their own. I have had tutors of his quit over this.

Mel - posted on 09/22/2009

64

17

3

Yes I totally know how you feel. My 2 boys are 2 and 5 and my eldest is the one with something that has yet to be diagnosed but we are looking at Apergers, High Functioning Autism. My 2 year old always mimmicks his brothers behaviours and it can be totally devastating in public to the point where i just get so cross within myself. Not so much at the kids, but at the sad and sorry expressions i recieve from others. I even had one stupid woman approach me saying that if i couldnt control my children in public then i shouldnt take them out!!!!! Can you beliebe that??!! I was a little rude to her that day and wouldnt normally be rude, but it just did my head in. But I hear you, and can empathise with your situation. I have friends who have kids, and they say to me, Oh Geez, your boys dont seem so bad my kids......bla bla bla, but they only see snipets of my life, they dont understand the impact this can have. Yes and friends who say they understand do understand the day to struggles on motherhood, and being a stay at home mum and the pressures this has. I do believe that they understand all that and go through some of the same things as me, but there is kind of like another area that they will never know. "the Grey area' so to speak. They dont have it, will never have it and wont understand it. So all I have done is accept that they have struggles, and when they say they understand accept they understand on THEIR level of understanding. Try not to be too hard on your friends sweetie, they DONT KNOW and i agree wiht you, but its not entirley their fault. Unless they research Autism or spend a whole day with you at your house, then they might have a slight little window of insight into our worlds. In answer to your question about responding, Dont. For the simple fact that they dont get it. Its like someone saying (and this may be a bad analagy) but when someone has a broken leg they can see that there person is in pain and can on some level relate because they might have been in pain once too, but the level of pain etc is different to everyone because of the actual circumstance. Do you see what i mean? If your friends ask questions answer them as honestly as you can, but i wouldnt respond to them when they say thye know how you feel, just get on here and have a 'rant' and i will back you all the way!!!! :-)

Lisa - posted on 09/21/2009

19

20

1

parenting these children is not an easy task... but you keep plotting along doing the best you can...until a crises eventuates and you have lost control because the text book government have no idea what it is like to raise these children...instead they are good at saying you cant parent her... if i cant handle her, police cant handle her, child safety cant handle her then who can??? and can you work with a child with autism out of the home... i think ther will be more damage in the long run... these children are smart and intelligent in there own ways...

Karina - posted on 09/21/2009

7

7

1

I think "I know how you feel" is a built in response. Like "Hi, How are you?" How many people genuinely want to know how you really feel... I don't think you need to respond in any way against people who say it. I think that they just feel for you and what your going though and are just trying to find a way to connect and to let you know that they care, and to help you to not feel like your not alone. Then there are parents who have children that are just plain out of control but with no medical explanation, I think they might have somewhat of an idea of what your going through, even if it is in a round about kinda way. I am the mum of a child with Asperger's and adhd with a few other things thrown in the mix, he no longer has screaming fits (thank goodness) but life is still full of challenges. I think when someone takes the time to try and let you know they care, it should be appreciated :)

Lisa - posted on 09/21/2009

19

20

1

if it is a thought i keep saying to myself there is light at the end and these children are suppose to be the beautiful adults as they get older

Lisa - posted on 09/21/2009

19

20

1

there are times i locked myself in my room to get away from chantelle because she is outraged violent... no matter what you do for the situation a strategie might work one day but next time it happens it is totally different and the strategie you used last aint working this time...i have been screaming out for help in my home for 9months now..and child safety removed her out of care last wednesday...feels like i have failed as a mother

Lisa - posted on 09/21/2009

19

20

1

i do know what you are going thru i had my 13year old taken from last wednesday beacause of her behaviours to have child safety say i cant parent her, they should live in my shoes on a day to day basis...and now i am debating do i fight a 2 year order.

Tiffany - posted on 09/21/2009

1

24

0

I get that a lot too. Most days I'm like "Yeah OK" but there are days, usually the stressful ones, where I just want to yell at people..."No you don't..you have no idea!" But my favorite is when people try to give me advice when they have never dealt with anything like this. My youngest son has anger problems and has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and Mood Disorder NOS. I swear the next time someone complains that there child threw a temper tantrum for 5 minutes I will scream! If my sons rages lasted less than an hour we were excited. That was a good one...45 minutes of screaming, hitting, scratching, biting. Hang in there. You have great support in this community and hopefully in your personal life.

Christina - posted on 09/21/2009

6

11

1

I agree! its tuff. they dont live with the daily struggle!

I say," really you do? oh good, maybe you could share & give me some advice"

this kinda puts them on the spot, makes them realize they DONT understand.

LeeAnn - posted on 09/21/2009

201

30

15

Quoting Tiffanny:

First when you begin to answer the dreaded question such as how are you or how have you been? If you intend to answer honestly as I assume by reading this you do, maybe you could say ok I'll answer but only if you promise just to say I HERE YOU! So simple yet those of us with hard days are less to take offense or bite the heads off of people with this response back. I do not have a child with aspergers or autism but work with adults with all spectrums of this disorder and have a cleft palate and lip child and a child with severe ADHD so I can say from questions about work or home I empathize. I have worked with parents that had friends and family thinking they were neglectful and even abusive but those people had no idea the day to day hurdles the family and day program had to deal with in caring for this person!!! I think after all these years just express your gratitude in the fact they don't have to understand as they may not be blessed with the ability to cope.


Thanks!  I was just wondering if your child with a cleft lip and palate might have VCFS, or DiGeorge Syndrome?  MY daughter also has this, and I was told that her Autism is merely a "symptom" of this disease.  I am just curious, because when we met with the genetics clinic, we were told that the common indicator of DiGeorge is a cleft lip and palate ( my daughter doesn't have this).  We were referred for Genetic testing the day she went for her Autism testing, after the Pediatrician looked her over, and saw many other indications of this deletion.  I am very thankful that God gave me my daughter, and feel like even though it is hard, and some days I feel like a failure, he knew I was able to deal with it, and be a wonderful mommy to her.

LeeAnn - posted on 09/21/2009

201

30

15

Quoting Laura E:

Hello, my name is Laura, I am a single mother of a 10 yr old Autistic boy. Before anything how is your faith, it may sound like an aqckward question, but it is a realistic one. Today many have geared towards trying to run their own lives with out the guidance of the Lord, and boy do we loose it. Yes I am a believer, have a relationship with Christ. This has helped me tremendously in my walk with an Autistic child. My answer to you would be, first take some time to relax before answering. Yes it is upsetting and annoying at times, but remember some are just trying to be sympathetic and don't realize that empathy and sympathy are two totally different things. Turn the situation around, ask them if they have dealt with a special needs child. If not then just answer I appreciate you're trying to be kind and sympathetic, but you really don't know what I am going through, the key is to open the doors for questions and knowledge and education, not for an arguement as our emotions, feelings, and nerve level at times is at an all time high... Basically keep it in prayer, teach others, and open the doors to communication... God bless you and your family.... Jeremiah 29:11



Hi Laura!  Yes, I am a Christian, and I know that God has richly blessed my family, and spared my daughter many of the most harsh complications of the Chromosome disease she has.  Autism is merely a "symptom" of her DiGeorge Syndrome.  I try to remember how blessed I am in the tough times, and sadly, my emotions get the better of me at times.  Thank you very much for the scripture, it is so true.  It is hard to keep a positive and up beat outlook when things are so out of control at times.  Please remember me when you pray.  Thank you again, and God Bless you and your son as well!

Kellie - posted on 09/20/2009

6

0

0

I first want to say again, I wished I had found this site a few years ago, as I have noticed in my reading some of this, that there are other's facing the same battles as me, and I am not alone....
I certainly know how you feel, and my favorite phrase that I have loved to hate, "I don't know how you do it" Well I get up every morning just like you....Dang....I have learned that God will not give you more than you can handle, and its certainly is not easy. My son has Aspergers, ADHD, Epilepsy, and Asthma, and is developmentally delayed by 2.5 years. I just take it one day at a time.....

Tiffanny - posted on 09/20/2009

10

2

2

First when you begin to answer the dreaded question such as how are you or how have you been? If you intend to answer honestly as I assume by reading this you do, maybe you could say ok I'll answer but only if you promise just to say I HERE YOU! So simple yet those of us with hard days are less to take offense or bite the heads off of people with this response back. I do not have a child with aspergers or autism but work with adults with all spectrums of this disorder and have a cleft palate and lip child and a child with severe ADHD so I can say from questions about work or home I empathize. I have worked with parents that had friends and family thinking they were neglectful and even abusive but those people had no idea the day to day hurdles the family and day program had to deal with in caring for this person!!! I think after all these years just express your gratitude in the fact they don't have to understand as they may not be blessed with the ability to cope.

Colleen - posted on 09/20/2009

1

14

0

Okay. Hi. I'm a step-parent of an autistic child... and please hear me out before you write me off.

I didn't go through the diagnosing and finding him a school or anything like that.. but I have been around for four years. I have had my share of ups and downs and have had to deal with my step-sons biological family.. And they blame a lot on me. Me!? Ah well.
My step-sons (Gryphon) father has full custody. And therefore I have him all the time. I have taught G how to get himself dressed, how to communicate with words, how to use the potty, how to wash himself in the shower, how to properly brush his teeth... How to listen in a group setting (we have more than one child). I have no idea how autistic G is. I know he has it.. I know he was diagnosed around age 3... but I think that was the end of it. I know hes going to public school, they've been bouncing him around for the last four years and I'm angry about it and am the only one doing anything about it. His father isn't. And If ind myself getting overly frustrated with G. I don't mean to, and his father says I'm just going through the same process his mother and he did. But I don't know. I just feel like, knowing G, he should much farther along than he is. And on top of it, no one is listening to me. His mother doesn't listen. See, I made active changes in G's diet and its been a major improvement. Behavior changes, no more diarrhea, better focus at home and in school... you get the idea. Well, his mother gives him nothing but buttered noodles, milk, candy, chocolate, cake.. anything.. nothing but junk. I've asked her not to... but she doesnt listen. Says I'm just making things up.

Okay, I'm on a rant. My point is.. I get brushed off because I'm a step-parent. But I am that child's parent. He knows the difference between me and his mom. And hes started calling me Mommy and her by her name. I've tried to correct him.. but to no avail. I'm also wondering if there are any other full time step-parents... if this frustration, anger, all these emotions are normal. If its kind of the process everyone goes through.. and than gets through. I'm so tired of feeling this way about him. I love the kid, I'm so proud of where hes come, but I can't stand him sometimes and I get no help.

I probably should have started my own post.. but I'm no good at that and I'm really new. Thanks.

Colleen

Laura E - posted on 09/20/2009

1

6

0

Hello, my name is Laura, I am a single mother of a 10 yr old Autistic boy. Before anything how is your faith, it may sound like an aqckward question, but it is a realistic one. Today many have geared towards trying to run their own lives with out the guidance of the Lord, and boy do we loose it. Yes I am a believer, have a relationship with Christ. This has helped me tremendously in my walk with an Autistic child. My answer to you would be, first take some time to relax before answering. Yes it is upsetting and annoying at times, but remember some are just trying to be sympathetic and don't realize that empathy and sympathy are two totally different things. Turn the situation around, ask them if they have dealt with a special needs child. If not then just answer I appreciate you're trying to be kind and sympathetic, but you really don't know what I am going through, the key is to open the doors for questions and knowledge and education, not for an arguement as our emotions, feelings, and nerve level at times is at an all time high... Basically keep it in prayer, teach others, and open the doors to communication... God bless you and your family.... Jeremiah 29:11

LeeAnn - posted on 09/19/2009

201

30

15

Quoting rasheda:



Quoting LeeAnn:

Am I The Only One?!

Ok, so this is kind of a rant / question... Am I the only mommy of an Autistic child who gets tired of hearing other moms, who don't have Autistic children, or even special needs children, say "I know how you feel"?! I get soooo aggravated!! I know that they are just trying to help, but in truth, they have absolutely NO CLUE how I feel, or what I deal with on a daily basis. I love my daughter, and can't even begin to tell you how special she and her sissy are to me, but it isn't a bed of roses! She has tantrums, and screaming fits, and communication problems. Her sister is younger, so she mimmicks her sister all the time. I don't want to seem ungrateful for the attempt at support, but I feel like they don't know what to say, so they say they know how I feel. Any advice on how to respond would be great!





As a military mom i understand i have a 6yrold son with ASD,pica and its been fun from the start. Have u got EFM to start and if so get ABA training they can help with the tantrums. Took us a bit so start the paperwork now. Your PCM needs to ask for it thru ECHO. Then join your support group thru autiusm society.org to find one close to your home it will help. its not easy job god i know but these kids are a gift its just hard sometimes to see it. Just work hard to get the ABA training and if old enough Pre-k in school will help to they need to be with other kids. We enrolled ours in a class with other autisic kids and at first it was rough with his eating problems but he is in first grade and doing better day by day it just takes time. u have to look for the right school and make sure u never stop pushing for all the services u can get thru the state and hospitals naval and public.





I am not familiar with EFM.  I am interested in learning ABA, because there aren't any in our area.  The closest one is over 100 miles away, and we can't afford to travel that much.  My daughter goes to a special needs school, that also serves as a daycare, so the kids are integrated with each other.  Currently she is getting PT, Speech Therapy, OT, and Day Habilitation therapy.  The closest support groups are also in the same city as the closest ABA.  I just recently found out that she is on the medicaid waiver program, so when she is ready for Kindergarten and beyond, they will provide her an aide to help her in school, and at home.  I think she is going to be approved for respite care too, to give myself and my husband a break every now and then.  Please let me know more about EFM, PCM and ECHO...I am a civilian, so if those are military terms, I am lost, LOL.  Thanks again!

[deleted account]

and the other thing that really ticks me off is when hes out in public people look at him like hes a naughty child and tut tuttin at me like im a bad mum thats let him get away with too much. just because its not a physical disability doesnt mean its not there xx

[deleted account]

no hun you are not alone! i get sick of it too or the other one is 'i understand'. no you dont! my son is 4 and was diagnosed a few months ago and is violent, hyperactive, communication problems and has screamin fits his screamin is so high pitched he even burst his own eardrum! hes too young to be medicated. believe me i know where you comin from and got to the point a while ago where id had enough and phoned social services and asked them to take him! i was cryin and shouting down the phone really was at the end of my tether. i love him so much but it is hard and hes so vicious to his siblings but thankfully they listened to me and im gettin help with him now and a bit of respite for a few hrs 3 days a week. he has the odd moment where he can be so sweet and ask for a 'cundle', he cant say cuddle bless him oh and spider is 'spidy' and shoe is 'shoey' lol and my all time fave is 'shit-poo'!!! thats wat he says wen he farts haha and he giggles and puts hand over his mouth and its those funny moments that keep me goin xxxx

Chrissy - posted on 09/19/2009

6

9

2

I truly know how you feel. I have an Autistic son who will be five the end of November. And he to has a younger sister who is 3 1/2 and she mimmicks him. Untill we got his diagnoses, some would tell me that I didn't punnish him enough some said that he would grow out of it others told me that it was the terible twos. He has tantrums, screaming fits, and communication problems. We started him in speech threapy when he was two because he wasn't talking yet. Some said that I didn't work with him enough. I know what you are going through. There are alot of us mommies out there who have children with Autsim or special needs. I get tired of the stares out in pulbic, the comments, the whispers really tick me off.....

Rasheda - posted on 09/19/2009

4

6

0

Quoting LeeAnn:

Am I The Only One?!

Ok, so this is kind of a rant / question... Am I the only mommy of an Autistic child who gets tired of hearing other moms, who don't have Autistic children, or even special needs children, say "I know how you feel"?! I get soooo aggravated!! I know that they are just trying to help, but in truth, they have absolutely NO CLUE how I feel, or what I deal with on a daily basis. I love my daughter, and can't even begin to tell you how special she and her sissy are to me, but it isn't a bed of roses! She has tantrums, and screaming fits, and communication problems. Her sister is younger, so she mimmicks her sister all the time. I don't want to seem ungrateful for the attempt at support, but I feel like they don't know what to say, so they say they know how I feel. Any advice on how to respond would be great!


As a military mom i understand i have a 6yrold son with ASD,pica and its been fun from the start. Have u got EFM to start and if so get ABA training they can help with the tantrums. Took us a bit so start the paperwork now. Your PCM needs to ask for it thru ECHO. Then join your support group thru autiusm society.org to find one close to your home it will help. its not easy job god i know but these kids are a gift its just hard sometimes to see it. Just work hard to get the ABA training and if old enough Pre-k in school will help to they need to be with other kids. We enrolled ours in a class with other autisic kids and at first it was rough with his eating problems but he is in first grade and doing better day by day it just takes time. u have to look for the right school and make sure u never stop pushing for all the services u can get thru the state and hospitals naval and public.

LeeAnn - posted on 09/19/2009

201

30

15

Thanks for all the comments guys!! Things are slowly getting better everyday. I feel overwhelmed every now and then, but try not to let it show to people. My husband has so much going on right now, I don't want to add another reason for him to stress. I know that things will be easier when he graduates college, but that will be a while away. I think that if there were a support group in our area, that it would help tremendously! I want to start one, but feel like I should know more, before trying to organize a group to help other families affected. I don't want to be the "blind leading the blind" so to speak. Thanks again for all the comments and support. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! God Bless!

Donna - posted on 09/19/2009

4

1

0

I work with autistc children,I understand how u feel I dont feel how u feel its not a 24 hour job for me.they go home,but I do know u will need to take breaks ,It is ok for u to feel exchausted,Tell people honestly no I am sorry u dont really know how I feel!they will get it.But I like to give u advise take some time out for mommy,Family members or good friends can help, u need breathing time so u can see your doing a great job refresh yourself.Just say sorry u really dont know and I appreciate your trying to unnderstand.

Rose Ann - posted on 09/19/2009

41

20

3

ugh i know how u feel with the other kids mimicking her. just tell ur friends u really appreciate the support but you really cannot imagine...

Jill - posted on 09/18/2009

5

6

0

Sometimes the friends that stay become more family than family I hate the fear and pity look My mother makes her so nervous that old behaviors we quelled come back and if dhe gets upset she totally panics I have made the people who understand my family at least they get it I know it hurts but you have to be stronger Jill

Jaime - posted on 09/18/2009

10

20

0

It is so nice to find places like this where there are people who do understand, and can honestly sympathize.
I teach at the same school where my Aspie son attends, and yesterday was a hard day for me, he had a classroom sub, and when he came to my music class he fell apart, and of course I can't discipline him like "normal" kids, but also can't let him get away with things either or you get I would get the whole "he gets special treatment" conversation.
I have very loving and caring collegues who want to help, but in their kindness only made things work. And of course in the moment, with 25 other kids around I am not in the right mind to deal properly.
There may not be any easy answers, but I do appreciate having a place to go where people do understand.
And LeeAnn hang in there, we just finished putting my husband through another masters degree while I worked full time, he work full time, and raise an Aspie and his typical younger brother. It is hard, but worth it.

Jeanette - posted on 09/18/2009

3

6

0

Wow! I appreciate all your comments. I am a grandmother of a recently diagnosed 18-month old grandson (and have an 11 year old granddaughter with Asperger's). I full-time parent the 11 year old and daily watch the 18-month old (co-parent with his mother). I quite my career about a year ago to be a full-time parent to these children (and the other two "normal" girls) and I am daily amazed at the insensitivity of people.



Keep supporting each other; it means a lot just to be able to read everyone's posts!

Jill - posted on 09/17/2009

5

6

0

Mine still are afraid of Chelsey her Sweet 16 is in two weeks not one member will b here I think that speaks louder than any voice

Jill - posted on 09/17/2009

5

6

0

I have been there . The best way I found to handle this is very politley ask can I ask how does it make you feel when the have an outburst you can tell them how it makes you feel and ask do you get that same feeling . My favorite thing I have ever heard is special mommies get special kids so God really must love you . The best comeback is to say they are here to show people what they can do rather than what they cannot . Hang in there I wish I could say it get easier but there is so much more awareness and support now that when My oldest was diagnosed and it is ok to feel frustrated but always be proud that you did not ignore it and got an answer

LeeAnn - posted on 09/16/2009

201

30

15

Quoting Jane:

I don`t get annoyed with that but i hate the way i am treated as a `bad mum`. Of course this is all my fault, i am a bad mum, even though my other 3 sons are `normal`. Agghhh



I know exactly how you feel!!!  I started noticing that my daughter was a little behind, and voiced my concerns to friends and family...I was over reacting, paranoid, just listening to what they said, gullable, etc.  I talked with her doc, and he sent her for evaluations.  This was after her 1st birthday, and I was pregnant with her younger sister.  I was watching Dr Phil, and he was talking about Autism..I was like "Micki does all most all of those things..."  I told my husband what I was thinking, and he kind of agreed, so we told his parents...they got mad!!!  After we learned that she was severely delayed in several areas, and she began therapies, I was told that it was my fault, that I wasn't stimulating her enough, and that I wasn't playing with her enough, and working with her, etc.  I talked to the doc, and ask if she could be tested to find the reason for her delays.  We went in March of this year, and they confirmed that she was in fact Autistic.  I called my husband's parent's, and his mom said "Well, you kind of already knew that right?"  I said yeah, but I was hoping I was wrong.  She said "Well, let me tell you something, I don't think that you are giving Adrienne enough stimulation, and she needs it, or she'll be the same way."  LIke it was my fault!!!  On the day of Micki's diagnosis!!!  I very quickly told her I had to go, and that I didn't want to talk to her about it anymore.  I felt like she was accusing me of making my daughter this way!  Later on in the evening, my father in law called, and apologized for her, and she said "I didn't mean for her to take it that way, she took that wrong"  as if there was any other way to take that?!  Now she constantly makes little "jokes" about how "sorry of a mommy I am"...when I get offended, she says, "you know I was just playing"...Ok, so that makes it all better?!

LeeAnn - posted on 09/16/2009

201

30

15

Quoting Alicia:

Sounds like it. The next time one of them says they know how you feel you could always follow it up with "not really but you could. Want to keep the kids on Friday night?" :)

My 18 month old is attached to our hips too. He imitates Liam which means taking them out in public is always a blast and he won't sleep on his own. When people tell me how to deal with them it gets under my skin too. It was particularly bad before Liam was officially diagnosed. My husbands family thought I was nuts and offered constant advice on being careful of labeling him or never falling into the lazy parenting trap of medication etc etc. Don't get me wrong, they are good people and were trying to help but it makes it so much harder doesn't it?

How do you handle your younger sons behavior? Sometimes I think it's harder parenting my younger than my older. We are considering daycare for him one or two afternoons a week so he can learn to separate a little and have something for himself. Not sure if this is the right call but definitely leaning toward it.


I have some trouble with my youngest daughter's behavior on occasion.  It really isn't too bad, as of right now.  While my oldest is in school, she acts differently than when she isn't.  When my oldest is home, I think my youngest does it for attention, because she sees how much time it takes to calm her down, and try to figure out what set her off.  My daughter is worse when her routine gets disrupted, which has been a lot lately.  I hope that things start to settle down soon!

Judi - posted on 09/16/2009

204

6

16

No you are not the only mum, just switch off. I always think there should be a handout for friends and family of the things that they shouldn't say. Then I think that I should ring the person everytime Ricky wakes screaming in the middle of the night. But that would be childish.

Jane - posted on 09/16/2009

17

28

2

I don`t get annoyed with that but i hate the way i am treated as a `bad mum`. Of course this is all my fault, i am a bad mum, even though my other 3 sons are `normal`. Agghhh

Alicia - posted on 09/15/2009

141

34

13

Sounds like it. The next time one of them says they know how you feel you could always follow it up with "not really but you could. Want to keep the kids on Friday night?" :)



My 18 month old is attached to our hips too. He imitates Liam which means taking them out in public is always a blast and he won't sleep on his own. When people tell me how to deal with them it gets under my skin too. It was particularly bad before Liam was officially diagnosed. My husbands family thought I was nuts and offered constant advice on being careful of labeling him or never falling into the lazy parenting trap of medication etc etc. Don't get me wrong, they are good people and were trying to help but it makes it so much harder doesn't it?



How do you handle your younger sons behavior? Sometimes I think it's harder parenting my younger than my older. We are considering daycare for him one or two afternoons a week so he can learn to separate a little and have something for himself. Not sure if this is the right call but definitely leaning toward it.

LeeAnn - posted on 09/15/2009

201

30

15

Thanks! I know that they mean well, but seriously...they have no idea how hard it is!! I get soooo tired of people telling me how I should do this or that, or how they've been there...no, you had two kids at home, you didn't have an Autistic daughter who also has DiGeorge Syndrome, a 16 month old who thinks she can't leave your side for 5 minutes who mimmicks her sister, a husband putting himself through college, and working full time, while you stay at home, and try to hold it all together. My oldest daughter, who is Autistic does go to a special needs school during the day, where she recieves her therapies, and day habilitation therapy. She gets sick very easily, and misses a lot of school. This past week, she was out all week, and most of the week before that, because of testing and she got sick from being at the Hospital....flu season.. People repeatedly tell me how exhausted I look, but don't bother to offer to take the kids for a night, so I can spend time AWAKE with my hubby. UGH!!!! Thanks for letting me vent guys, I needed it!

Alicia - posted on 09/15/2009

141

34

13

I think it's o.k. to be gently honest about how it makes you feel when they say that. It can depend on the person though. If it's a close friend or family member you should bite the bullet and share with them that it actually makes you feel more frustrated not less. These people are going to be around for a long time and they genuinly want to help like you said. They aren't mind readers though so they may need you to help them understand how to do that. If you don't talk to them then a possible source of support becomes a source of anger and hurt instead.



If it's just some mom on the playground it might not be worth it to explain. Any opportunity to educate someone in the outside world can only benefit our kids in the long run. When I run into situations like that though I tend to keep quite unless she's open and we've developed a really good repoir. Otherwise I just want to blow my top so I bite my tongue instead. You are defenitley not the only one. It is frustrating.

Michelle - posted on 09/15/2009

70

10

13

I simply say, "I appreciate your input, but there is no way for you to really understand what is going on here on a daily basis." I will then proceed to give an example of a day in my life. It is touchy because people try to help, but in the process can make you even more frustrated, I will also say to certain people, "I just need to vent, so please just listen and don't say anything..." My family and very close friends have come to the realization that they truly do not understand my frustration.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms