Does anyone have adult children with Asperger's that still live at home? Ihave a 25 year old son with asperger's and social anxiety and I would love to have conversations with moms in the same boat!

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Marie - posted on 01/07/2014

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I found this page while searching the web for ways to help my 24 year old son. I believe he may have aspergers. I am trying to find a way to address this with him and also find out how he could go about finding out if this is what he is dealing with(aspergers). I don't know how else to help him...he is distant with me and blames me alot for the problems he is dealing with and has dealt with all his life. I have other children and noticed from the time he was a toddler that he was different in many ways. I feel helpless to help him and have felt this way since he was little. I didn't know what Aspergers was or had not heard of it until he was in high school. When I read up on it, I found the description fit him in many ways. I brought it up to him and he was very hurt and angry that I would suggest this might be something he has. I worry what will happen to him if some intervention isn't done. I want to support him and help him. His father and I are not together any longer and he has lived with his dad the past five years rather than me. His father will not speak with me and so asking for his involvement or his help/support for our son is out the question. I want to help him in any way I can as I worry what will become of him when I am gone.

[deleted account]

I am in the midwest and have a 31 year old son with Aspergers, depression, generalized anxiety and agoraphobia--from the age of about 5. He was only diagnosed with all this about age 24. He was begging for help, begging for answers, and together we finally figured it out, with very little help from the mental health community. He now takes quite a few meds, his depression is controlled, his anxiety is sometimes controlled, but sometimes spirals. We have most recently decided that he needs to be treated for agoraphobia and we are hopeful that this will help what we thought was just generalized anxiety. Now we think the reason he hates to go out is that he is afraid, not just anxious. He will go anywhere with me (they will go out with trusted people), but still refuses to go to groups (Aspergers adult groups). We learn a little more every week and I have come to the conclusion that he may never finish college or be able to work though he is really bright. Now I just want him to be happy and be able to live after I am gone (58).

He is very bright, great looking, never asks for anything, very pleasant, very loving, but filled with anxiety and reclusive. He is Never happy, but always lonesome. Loves music, video games, spelling, grammar...

The reason, I think, that he is so pleasant is that I do not question his illness or push him to be uncomfortable. He has given me his power of attorney so I can do all the paperwork he hates, trying to get him on SS. He has a girlfriend but she is losing patience with always staying in. No job for 6 years.

I am now working on my will, getting a special needs trust in place, and SS benefits to make it possible for him to live safely somewhere. His girlfriend may be a temporary thing. If she dumps him, the meds will keep him from getting too depressed.

I think that the best way to handle our kids is to act as their advocate. They won't see you as the enemy any longer, and you will be able to figure out more ways to both be happy. I must say that even though I dedicate every Thursday to him and his appointments and needs, he really does not ask for anything. He writes me beautiful poetry telling me of his gratitude because I don't make him feel WORSE about something he can't do anything about. Do you ever feel as though you are demanding that someone walk who has no legs? I won't do that to him.

Carol - posted on 01/05/2013

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This was such a relief to find this. I have a 19 year that was diagnosed when he was younger. The challenges can sometimes be overwhelming. I love him dearly and others can be so cruel. He spends so much time alone. It makes me very sad. His father is not in his life. It appears that he has more let downs in life then successes. I won't give up being there for him. I just need some words of encouragement because its hard to emotionally deal with.

Jennifer - posted on 09/11/2013

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Most of what many of you are describing is not Aspergers. Aspergers is not Social Anxiety or OCD and although there may be comorbidity, Aspergers is a developmental disorder which means your kid- whether living at home at 30 or whatever else has always since Childhood had it- meaning if they made friends easily or were social children who later got odd or changed its not Aspergers. There is a lot of misinformation going around because the internet is full of people just adding their own thoughts and opinions of this disorder which for some reason people have been confusing with Social Anxiety because Aspergers is identified as a disorder involving social skills- but the Aspergers person has a deficit in the function of reading social skills so would not be hiding in the house "scared of social interaction." Social Phobia is not Aspergers- in the first case the person is too analytical and overly concerned with social cues and the reactions of others, what they will say and if they will soind stupid that they close off, exhibiting a lack of social interest although innately they Dont miss a thing- the opposite is true of Aspergers. They are often so in thrir own world and lack social cues that they dont realize most of the time how stupid they sound- or if they other person cares. The only anxiety they would have may be concerned with perservation but thats only because they have been told or learned from past experiences that they dont follow social cues- if you do this at all you dont have this and a ton of people with OCD and SA or SP have issues with jobs-

An Aspie would under 90% of the time typically not notice how socially different they were- they would not be concerned with being socially acceptable or fitting in the same way another person with say, OCD or SA would be. Aspergers people don't necessarily pick up on things the other 2 disorders would pick up on or be overlly concerned with.

And if you Adult son or daughter was once a happy socially content child- with friends and boyfriends and sleepovers and people calling the house and not coming home crying because they were odd to the point no one wanted to sit with them at lunch- or because someone had to say something to them for them to understand or reflect that it may have been insppropriate- then they don't have Asperger's- they have something else.

[deleted account]

My son is 31, acts like he is 15. He could read at age 3 and has always had a high IQ. He has absolutely no sense that he should be doing something to further his life. He asks why he just can't live with his dad or me like he always has... It is imperative that they be treated with dignity and not be pushed and prodded like disappointments. No one does that to adults with other mental illnesses. And don't get me wrong, I don't do everything for him. I don't even live with him. I just let him know that I know he is disappointed that he has problems with life.

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Francine - posted on 04/16/2014

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I support those who are feeling lonely or are having difficulty. But I don't think it needs to be.

My son is just about to turn 27. I agree with the moms who have found that direct advice is a turn-off for adults with Asperger's syndrome. (Adults should be treated as adults.) A joke, or finding a way to encourage the right direction without them recognizing it right away is the most effective. Of course, I've been found out more than once, but he's forgiving. I just tell him it's a "mom thing." His school life (jr. high/high school) was so miserable with bullying that he took a few community college classes right out of high school because his sister (same age) was going to college, but he failed miserably because he was angry and bitter still. He began working as server in a restaurant, which all the "experts" said he could not do, and learned to cope even though the first week as a host at the door, he hid in the bathroom most of the time and called me begging me to come get him. He was proud of the way he handled that job as he went along (8 years now) and wanted to get into management, but a new owner of the restaurant doesn't recognize his talents as the former one did, but does see all too well his challenges. Once that dream went away, he decided to go back to community college full time. He was at that time taking a American Sign Language class so he could communicate with customers who had challenges. He is graduating in a month and moving a thousand miles away to complete his bachelors and plans to go on to get his masters (in communication sciences and disorders). (At one time, he wanted to be a CNA and went to school, but the "experts" were correct. He simply could not juggle everything at once in that demanding, fast-paced environment.)

I hope you can see by my son's story, that there is hope. He is not the same as my other children (2 girls) who some would say are more "mature," but I'm not sure I would explain it that way. I don't think the word is accurate, although I see what they mean. He is who he is, and he's wonderful, kind, gentle, funny ... Asperger's does not have to be a "sentence" of misery.

He doesn't have close friends. He hangs out with no one but his sister (who lives in town) and his parents. When he moves, he'll be close to his grandparents and will hang out with them. No one should feel sorry for him though. He does not view the world the same as they and does not define himself the same as they would. He is happy.

One more thing. I asked him if he would like to meet more people with Asperger's, and maybe even start dating. He told me no. He gets on his own nerves and they would get on his nerves too. You can take that anyway you wish, but it gives you an insight I would think. He's just fine as he is.

Treat them as individuals with responsibility. They are no different than any other individual with responsibilities.

Lisa - posted on 03/04/2014

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I do not anyone to be my friend out of pity. If she does not like my company, I would want her to leave.

Terrie-Lynn - posted on 03/03/2014

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I guess I`m wondering am I wrong placing a worker with him to gain him more exposure to society and to gain some work experience...I worry about expecting too much but then theres another part of me who feels I am failing him for not setting expectations and I worry about the time when I am no longer here to look out for him

[deleted account]

Hello. I'm sad to say that I don't have children but I don't know where to turn as my best friend has Aspergers syndrome. I'm having a terrible time as I reside in British Columbia, she resides in Florida and although we're both totally blind, we have almost nothing in common. But the worst thing for me is Kristine's lack of expressing empathy, her literal thinking, her fear of consequences, locked in stubborn, rigid thinking, I can't say anything or she argues rather than seeing my side of anything. I've got to get some help or go mad.

[deleted account]

Hello. Although I do not have children, Aspergers has touched my life in a profound way as my best friend has it. I need support desperately as her behaviors, especially of stubbornly locking onto ideas, lack of empathetic expression, not being able to met people where they are, just about drive me mad. I want to end the friendship so badly but know she needs help but nor do I want to enable her. She is a literal thickener, lacks a sense of humor, doesn't understand me at all, doesn't care that we're total opposites and is very serif absorbed. Honestly, if I don't get some gel with her, I'll go mad.

J - posted on 03/02/2014

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Renea - posted on 02/23/2014

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I am a Mother of 2 adult sons with autism, Ages 33 and 31. I would love to chat with other parents with intellectually disable children that live at home

Joan - posted on 02/22/2014

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I'm thankful to everyone here for sharing their situations; and find, it's hard to open up to others due to their ignorance of this syndrome. My daughter is a beautiful, intelligent, artistically talented, 21 year young woman. She has been reclusive and exhibited anti-social tendencies since about 4 years of age. I can recall having her in daycare, even while I worked there, she would literally shut down and become almost ill with worry, and separation anxiety. Life, in general, seems to overwhelm her to the point of fatigue. Her academics have always been above average, to include the one year she attended college. She made her decision to withdraw and has not returned since. She claims she wants to work and her ideal life is to live alone (by choice). I find these passed two years very exhausting myself, as I work at home and she is constantly with me. I promote her to find work, yet there always seems to be something "wrong" with each opportunity - she seems to be holding out for the perfect position in the perfect (calm, organized, low-key, behind-the-scenes) job that will not cause her stress or anxiety. I understand this, but for two years, she hasn't done anything that was without me. She is being treated for depression, anxiety, and dermatillamania (which is much improved), yet the social phobias are still at large. I feel selfish at times, which breeds guilt, but this is also getting to me in a way: because, I tend to heal and repair best when I have free, alone time; yet, I can't get this because she is constantly at the house unless she's out with me. Emotional sensitivities run so high, if I bring up things, it will cause a breakdown (more guilt), and she refuses to speak so an outside party. I feel trapped into the possibility that my own mental health is suffering. What does a parent do, when simply talking makes emotions overflow? What to do when they refuse seeking counseling/psychiatric help?
*Uninvolved father, who disowned her when she decided to quit college -
*Three younger siblings who are achieving fine, and all socially active -

Sue - posted on 02/20/2014

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Hi
Yes I'm in the same boat! We live in England. My son is 23 and since childhood has had severe social anxiety. In 2012 he was finally diagnosed with aspergers, ocd and add as well as severe social anxiety. He will not go anywhere without me or other close family. He has had countless CBT sessions to no avail. He is currently seeing an autism specialist psychologist who is also on the spectrum herself. He enjoys talking to her but virtually no progress has been made. He is basically a recluse and spends much of his time in bed. My main worries are his physical health, that he is missing out on life and what happens when I'm gone. His father has some limited input but is 250 miles away. My younger son shows some of the traits of autism but thankfully is at college and has a circle of friends.
Louis asked me the other day why people have long conversations. He just doesn't get the need to connect with others and has actually said he is not interested in meeting other people and wants to be alone.
What can I do ? Sometimes I feel desperate, not knowing what on earth I can do. Anyone any ideas?

Sue

Terrie-Lynn - posted on 02/19/2014

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My 18 year old son has Autism and lives with me while on disability income. The thought of leaving home and experiencing a work placement terrifies him. I do not feel I should push him but I do worry about what the future holds. He also will not get his hair cut and his personal care is a challenge. He will take his grade 12 credits by an online learning center however he struggles because he has a hard time handling the work. Its nice to find this group because I find as a single parent in this situation lonely at times.

Barbara - posted on 02/12/2014

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I seem to have lost my place I wanted to respond to one of the moms. I can relate to so many of the stories here. it is a comfort to know that my thoughts and emotions are normal given the situation. My son is a great guy , I feel really fortunate that he's never had any of the anger problems that some people have had to deal with. I think the main issue that frustrates me is the inability to have flexibility in his thinking - I totally understand this is not his fault but the way is brain works. He is now almost 27 and it still trying to find his way. he went through jobcore and was in a job placement in the forestry service right after that for 6 months. he wasn't really interested in staying in that field. so then he came home for over a year and is now in Community College about 3 hours away. I am almost 70 which I find hard to believe :-) and I'm going to be retiring in a couple months. His other mom ( we adopted him together when you was 7) is marginally involved in his life and has no has taken no financial responsibility for over 13 years. what I noticed that I don't have the patience that I have had for so many years. He is finding Community College challenging although it's incredible what is accomplished so far. He is now talking about coming home and going to our local community college and taking less credits. Honestly I was just at the point were I was so looking forward to having some time to explore life, art, and just be responsible for myself. I'm a mental health therapist and I've spent the last upteen years helping others. I guess I had a fantasy that my son was going to be okay and would get out on his own. but now I realize or another step in this journey. All I want for him is to know that he has found a niche and he can be happy with his life. I could go on and on but anyway it's good to talk with you all and good luck! Soon science will.be able to help us I just wish it would happen sooner!

Michelle - posted on 02/04/2014

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Marie, I have 2 children with aspergers and one with ADHD. My 18yr old is my oldest with aspergers. My suggestion to you is since he is 24 and there are the circumstances that you have, all you can do is learn to function with him in a way that doesn't seem "teaching" and then maybe occasionally, he will listen sometimes or appreciate your advise. I have found little ways of dealing with my son (which isn't always easy) that work for us. He doesn't always know that I am like the Wizard behind the curtain making this happen to keep him functioning. Sometimes when he is especially unhappy because of a change I have had to make in a routine or something, I just try to remind him of why change is good sometimes for everybody else and we must think of others etc...my son doesn't want to drive, doesn't want to get a job etc and is totally functioning in his own little world, I am fitting in advise a little here and there and wait long periods of time to see a good outcome. Most of the time with my perseverance, there is a little bit of a good outcome here and there. Exhaustive work work but it is our job as mothers :)

Belkis - posted on 12/26/2013

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Linda,

Exactly like my daughter. She says friendship are too difficult and would rather hang out with me and her step dad. I think that living at home makes the situation worst. I think that they are comfortable so they don't seek friendship. I worry what will happen when we are gone.

Belkis - posted on 12/26/2013

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Sonja,

Your son sounds a lot like my daughter, she was diagnosed with PDD (pervasive developmental disorder) about 6 months ago. She walks on her toes as well (not always) she also runs around (but I don't think that she flap her hands). She has no friends (and does not want any). I tried for a while to get her to participate in an adult autism group, but it was like pulling teeth and we have since stopped. I am now thinking of converting a rental property I have into a home for adults with autism. It is a three bedroom house, so I would have room for one adult plus my daughter and a facilitator (I am thinking of hiring a psychology graduate student and offering them cheap rent). I am looking into applying for government assistance to run the house as an adult facility for adults on the spectrum. I feel this is the only way for her to really make a friend and to prepare her for adult life when I am gone (she is not getting any better at home with us). She is 23 years old.

Jen - posted on 12/15/2013

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my son is 18 has highs and lows .when he doesnt get his way or if he has something going on at school thats makes him anxious he gets really grumpy depressed. he will make unreasonable demands of gold medallions and three fingrr gold rings ., qucci backpac or BMWs. we are not rich and when we say we cant get it he spits at us and inside the house breaks things.we call the police they take him to the hospital and say that he is spoiled and sometimes some say that he has Aspergers.They send him home with us and he starts right back up with the name calling and threats. when we call the police hes soooo mad. we remind him that u can't tell people that you will smash teeth, slit throat or burn the house down with us inside. we know hes sick and its sad/ scary.

Karen - posted on 12/10/2013

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I know how difficult it is for all of you. My son is 20 & had a very difficult time finishing the past 2 yrs of high school. Over a yr ago he began attending an alternative school to finish getting some subjects like english ,math ect and
he slowly,with encouragment figured out the workbook for math including trigonometry and received his Adult Diploma which we are very proud of. I think he has asperger's tho even tho i never received a formal diagnosis. He's been on computor since age 12,has extreme anxiety to go outside,but slowly over pastr 2 yrs has been getting out more for appts,school ect. He is now beginning to open up to me and i count that as a blessing that i can be
the listening ear, He doesn't do any drugs or have a desire to drink and he
does talk with girls that he's met online thru gaming. He did begin a project of building an outside rock patio for us and sometimes goes for a jog around a nearby park. He says he wants 2 find a part time job and take more courses but hasn't put forth the effort yet most likely because of anxiety. His father has general and social anxiety also but has forced himself to keep a full time job for a long time. I don't think as mothers we should neglect our own needs and goals tho,we have to not blame ourselves for what they are going thru.

DeAnn - posted on 12/08/2013

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Hello Mary, my 20 year old son hasn't been diagnosed with anything yet, I have only noticed problems with him in the last couple of years. What caught my attention was his roboussin abuse! My son has been addicted to DXM (the ingredient in robo, mucinex) for 3 long years! He has been in the ER 3 times due to overdosing. Please keep a close eye on this, it can destroy his liver and kidneys!

Mary - posted on 11/08/2013

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Hi Cindy,

I am in the same boat. I think I'm about to fall overboard. I have a 21 year old
(almost 22 years old) son with High Functioning Autism. I can't imagine how he'll ever make a life for himself. He has extremely high social anxiety. So high
that to deal with it he takes massive doses of robitussin, coriciden(sp), drinks,
used to smoke marijuana. He saw a psychologist for 6 years. He dropped him
and hasn't had one in 2 years. He used to be belligerent towards me and my
husband. Then he found God after praying to Him to please help him stop.
It looked like everything was okay for months. (oh he also has another addiction, what's one more right?). He literally, has turned into a different boy
He became sweeter, caring and kind. Started playing the clarinet at our church. However, his anxiety towards speaking to boys his own age was still there. He had 1 friend during e childhood and said an "off color" remark and the father banished my son from his house. That was the only friend he played with besides a girl who moved. This was until 4th grade. He hasn't had a friend since. When he was little to first grade he was a terror. Severely autistic and angry it subsided and was replaced by anger and severe social
anxiety. When he was in 8th grade he would turn "white as a ghost" and his
skin would turn clammy. If we were getting ice cream, if we brought attention to another person in the corner from his school he would twist your arm, pinch or hit you. When I touched him I noticed how clammy he was and I would say
"Oh my gosh", " Let's leave." he's extremely stressed. In high school he started on Prozac at 10 mg and now takes 20mg., but doesn't take it when he
binges. He stopped for almost a whole year until the Thursday before last.
This time he had withdrawals. I am overwhelmed. My 29 year old marriage has been difficult from day one. I also divorced my husband last month, but
I couldn't because I wouldn't want my son with my husband and neither did
my son want it. We are trying to work things out. My husband is a narcissist.
He is seeing a therapist and trying to improve himself. Because of my prayers,
he is praying too, his family of origin is a nightmare. He is very anti-social and
has no empathy. So life has been extremely difficult. I have two grown daughters that are married. One from my first marriage of 2 years and one from this marriage of 29 years and her brother Michael Jr. who has autism.
My first reaction was my son could have died again! Should I admit him to a
drug rehabilitation center, where there are those doing worse drugs. Michael is very gullible and naïve. He is lonely, but a kind person, who loves God, but has so many demons to contend with. I pray but I have to reach out to somebody. Mary P
difficult

Sonja - posted on 11/05/2013

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Hello I have been dealing with the idea that my 19 year old son may have Aspergers for a couple of years. Before even thinkiing about it we just thought with him being homeschooled he did not have peers changing litlle things he did that his dad and I were just thankful he can express himself.

Well I am subbing and I am talking to this man who is dating someone with three and he asks me if my son walks on his toes? I am sure my mouth hung open because I ;can not tell you how many times I have fussed at my son for doing that. Oh my I feel so so ....I did ask the college he went to to please let him live off campus because of his jumping and arm flapping I did not want anyone making fun of him.

I am hoping that I can get him what he needs at his college but right now he is loosing weight because he does not have access to the foods he will eat.

I am sorry I am going on and on but I think FINALLY I am facing the facts..

He has not ever had relationship with anyone that he worried because he had not talked to them. Our family just thought he was private.

Linda - posted on 11/04/2013

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So true my 19 year old doesn't realize that not needing or wanting friends is different, friendships are very tiring to him and not a priority, he would rather just hang out at home with mom and dad

Cindy - posted on 10/20/2013

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Genesis777--I would love to write a longer response to your post, but I am in the middle of preparing for observations this week at the school where I teach, AND trying to get my house ready to place on the market. I just wanted you to know now that I can so relate to everything you said and I know from the comments that have come from the one I made in April, 2012, that others can relate also. I especially feel your pain about being in the "real world" and having normal interactions with people, knowing that your son doesn't have those experiences. So, as hard as it is, hang in there, and please know, I don't say that flippantly. Cindy

Genesis777 - posted on 10/20/2013

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Hello everyone..... I am really mentally exhausted to the point where I can't write very much. I believe that my son (now age 22 has Aspergers), he has had acute social phobia/anxiety for the past 6 years, and consequently in and out of education.

I tried to get him diagnosed with AS via 'mental health community support', so that he would get more help/support, but they were not interested what I had to say about his obscure/eccentric behaviour and my son was smart enough to pull the wool over their eyes.

During the past 6 months - both my eldest son and my husband have turned their backs on us. My husband left the marital home, and my eldest son has kept his distance.They have both admitted that they don't like him and have found it hard to bond with him over the years. I am now left to deal with all my sons problems on my own.

The truth is - is that I can't stand my life anymore. I can't cope with my son's anxiety and aspergers symptoms for much longer on my own.

Every day with him is intense, fraught, and negative. He has no friends and is very isolated. If he does make a friend - they seem to end the friendship very early on. I think this is due to him being self-absorbed, hence he probably comes across as being selfish.

I feel betrayed by the mental health team. Someone would only have to live with my son for a week (or even a few days) to realise that he has aspergers. The psychiatric nurse only saw him for one hour per fortnight. And then she decided that he didn't need to be referred to a psychologist for a diagnosis.

Even his tutors at college (at the age of 16) asked me if my son had aspergers, hence they must have detected something different about him.

My heart goes out to all of you that is struggling like I am. Unfortunately - I feel like I have come to the end of the road. I kept a diary for 2 weeks re conversations/dealings with my son. It wouldn't even take a doctor to fathom out that my son's thinking patterns are totally irrational and illogical. Sometimes I feel like I am in the Truman show,,,

then when I venture out into the real world outside - and converse with people in general,,, i..e a chit-chat with a dog walker on the canal towpath, or colleagues at work (2 day a week job), It brings home to me how different and socially inept my son really is. Hence - every scenario is depressing.

Also - I have a zero social life because I feel too guilty to enjoy myself, when my son is too incapable of these normal activities.

Sorry for the negative post... but this is a good sign really,,,,that I am trying to muster some support again.... I have felt emotionless and numb for many months now....

Thanks for reading...

Silke - posted on 09/08/2013

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Hi Cindy,

I have an 21yrs old son with Aspergers - he is very quiet, isolates himself from others and finds it so hard to mix with people. He has massive obsession with his guinea pigs (= his best friends) and online gaming.

Him suffering of Aspergers had the impact of him not finding love, not finding a job and most of all not feeling comfortable around people.

What kind of Asperger's syndrome has your child got - is he introvert (shy & quiet) or extrovert (loud & temper)

Leisl - posted on 09/07/2013

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Rosemary B.
Hi, not sure if you still follow but I am in Alberta with a twenty-one year old son and would love someone to talk to who would understand the love and frustration of an AS child

Cindy - posted on 09/03/2013

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Hi Belkis. My son has thoughts similarly to your daughter's. Whenever he drives, he thinks of his head going through the windshield. He also thinks of falling in the shower and "cracking his head open." Terrible thoughts for sure, but real to him. His therapist told him not to worry--if he DID go through the windshield, he would more than likely be dead. This actually made my son feel better!

Belkis - posted on 09/03/2013

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Do your Aspies complain of intrusive thoughts? I know it is part of an anxiety disorder, but was wondering if this was common among Aspies? To clarify, she does not hear voices or see anyone. She says that she will be crossing the street and a thought will pop up that she is going to get hit by a car when she crosses the street.

Deborah - posted on 08/19/2013

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Does anyone plan family time to help strengthen their family only to have their adult Asperger's son/daughter decide AS you are leaving that they are unable to participate and make a big deal about not being able to go? This has even been where we are out somewhere that our son has picked to go and he will "get lost" where it takes hours to find him. This is beginning to have a huge impact on the rest of our family. Our youngest is 8 and has had many activities eliminated because we have had to find our son or get him somewhere. Is there truly a way to balance life as a family when these issues are present? Just leaving him home is not an option all the time. In addition, because of the unusual behavior, he really has lost all association with anyone who he could consider a friend.

Any help in this area would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Belkis - posted on 08/12/2013

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Lisa,

It sounds like your daughter is more advanced and does not need as much help as my daughter. My daughter has average intelligence, but her deficits in executive functioning make it difficult for her to manage work and life sometimes. When she was first diagnosed, I spoke to an autism specialist who told me that sometime parents focus too much on college and not enough on life and social skills. I did that for two years (she almost finished her AA) and then realized she did not have the skills needed to really function in society, so I started focusing on the skills that were necessary (e.g., living, social and financial). Regarding the violent episodes, behavioral issues can be common with Aspies. Is she in therapy? Is she taking something for depression? Have you set boundaries with her behavior?

I got my daughter involved in an adult autism group and she is doing better with her depression (with medication and attending the group). I found the group through a local university. I also started a side business on etsy to keep her motivationed about working (since she has not been able to find work). Has your daughter worked before? My hopes is that she will be able to live on her own (supported independence) in the next two years.

Lisa - posted on 08/10/2013

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Hi Cindy,

My name is Lisa, and my 20 year old daughter is in the process of getting the Asperger's diagnosis. I have always known something was just not quite right, but could never put my finger on it. With all of the text book signs I saw over the years they could always be looked at as Asperger's symptoms but also environmental (i.e. moving and changing schools, divorce, puberty, etc). I had my daughter tested when she was about 12 or 13 because she went into a DEEP depression and I was really scared. She would sleep daily until 2:00 pm if I would let her. But the psychologist said she was not on the spectrum. Well, now here we are years later and a new psychologist is swaying that way now that the testing is almost complete.

I feel so bad for my daughter because now that she is older, I don't know what exactly there is out there to help her. My daughter is a really smart girl, but can't fill out a form in a doctor's office properly. Go figure. She is an incredibly dancer. She walked on her tippy toes when she was little and I sent her straight to her first ballet class at 2 1/2. She has mastered the art of dance. She was such a loving child, but as she hit puberty things began to change. She became a little bit more aggressive for her. Now, for the past 4 years she has REALLY become aggressive, sometimes violent. She has managed to stay at the University (she will be in her 3rd year in September) but at times it has been a struggle. As much as I love her, I am ashamed to admit that for Winter and Summer vacation I sometimes dread her coming home.

This summer has been VERY rocky. When she gets into one of her 'episodes' as I call them (meltdowns) it goes on and on for an hour or 2. She ends up breaking things, hiding things (like my car keys) and lashes out at me. I'm not sure how to help her. It breaks my heart. What can I do??? Can anybody lend me their experience??

Lisa

NICOLE - posted on 08/08/2013

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Hello Steve:

Quit paying for his cell phone. Your ex will find a way to pay it. He can apply for a free assurance phone and he will probablly be eligiable for it. You can have the company contact him. Your ex will most likely want to be able to have communication with him.
She should not threaten you about contact with him and you can let her know that and you can tell him to pay for it by getting a job.

You can support him by writing to him and communicating to him that way for a while.
Find out how you can support him without extra money involved. You can do this thru writing. All calls from your ex can go thru an exsisting answering machine or just let the phone ring for a while as you write without them being able to leave a message as you write them. No one can't prove you were not home and going on interviews for an extra job. Any complaints from either always begin with Wow!! in a nice tone.
My son is 19 home and i am working on getting him to stop hibernating in his room.
I hope that you work on not being stressed out and count your blessings, and realize that your son is with your ex daily. Don't let anything with your son and wife get between your marriage. Work on marriage. I am doing that now. Supporting my husband as much as possible as his son does not speak to him and we all reside together. I always say, it could always be worse. Work on supporting your marriage.
I would be happy to discuss further. Let's support each other.
Best Nicole

Belkis - posted on 08/06/2013

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Steve,

Welcome to our board. I am not sure what kind of help you want, but I will do my best. To be honest it sounds like you are feeling the pinch of having a disabled son and a new family. What were your expectations once you re-married? Why did you think your role would change? Were you trying to escape responsibility by living in another state? I think you need to be truthful with yourself and answer those questions. That being said, it sounds like your ex-wife has decided to take the low road and punish you for leaving her (I assume that was the case). She may be harboring resentment that you have started over and using your son against you. I think setting clear boundaries with her about what you will and will not pay is important (should have been stipulated in your divorce papers). Regarding your son, I believe that you have to make him accountable for his actions. His behavior is unacceptable (i.e. blackmail) and you have to right to confront him about your feelings. Feeling sorry for him will not help his progress.

Belkis - posted on 08/06/2013

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Maryann,

Have you looked into executive function deficits? My daughter has the same problems with initiation/motivation and does not drive. That being said, I still hold her accountable for her actions. I don’t give her money for clothes (I buy clothes for birthdays/Christmas etc.). I don't give her spending money (I do give her money for a special event). I let her know that she needs to contribute to society in some way. She was not able to finish her AA and she currently does not work. We have started a side business (I work full time) and so far it is going well. We paint and distress old furniture (repurposed furniture). It's not easy, I have to give her a list of steps for painting and distressing techniques to follow, but she is doing well. We sold our first piece within our first week of opening our shop on Etsy. A psychiatrist I know once told me that they (those on the spectrum) can ruin your life it you let them get away with their behavior. She told me about a couple in their 70s who were almost homeless because of their son's refusal to get financial/medical help. It took the threat of homeless for the son to finally concede to filing for SSI. There is hope, but you have to make them accountable for the actions

Steve - posted on 07/25/2013

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Let me first state that I am a Father of an asperger adult son. I really like this site and hope I don't get kicked off because this site seems to be mainly for Mothers but it seems to be a great site and I need some help. My son lives with his Mom in Arizona, we are divorced and I live in Washington. I give his Mom $680 a month for spousal support and both she and my son get social security. My son and ex use the guilt trip to try and get me to give them more money. I have since remarried and this is causing a strain on my present marriage. I had my son on my cell phone plan and his Mom would pay me $20.00 a month for his phone, unlimited service. Then she said she can't afford that and if I wanted to keep in touch with him I would have to pay that, and essentially, my son expressed that too. I can't keep doing this. He wants me to "support" him financially or else, meaning, I'll cut you off on Facebook, not talk to you, etc. I'm treated like a paycheck, not a person. I struggle with guilt, it's not easy, his Mom and I were to get her 20 years and you work out your own system with a person and aspire child but now things have changed and I'm still expected to stay in a certain role. And, in a way I do with the spousal that I pay. He is not very motivated and I pretty much let him run over me emotionally most of our lives because I felt bad for him. Thoughts, opinions from anyone out there? Frankly I think we are overwhelmed with diagnoses, meds and what not in this country and it's possible we work more at enabling than having people succeed despite their personal struggles.

Maryann - posted on 07/10/2013

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Hello everyone,

I just joined this community today. I am so relieved to see all of you other moms struggling with the same issues that I have. Although very painful to read, it does make me feel less alone. My son is 19, will be 20 next month. He did graduate high school and go to college and live away for two semesters, but since May 2012, he has been home, not working, not going to school. I picked him up at the end of the semester and he didn't want to go back. He said it wasn't for him. He dropped 3 classes, and this college was not inexpensive. I now owe alot of money for that one year.

Anyway, the main thing is that he lives off me (monetarily) but lives with his dad in the house we all lived in until i moved out last August. I am separated from his dad, not yet divorced. We had marital problems all along for other reasons, but of course exacerbated by my son's behavior/mental issues.

Whenever I see/talk to my son I ask him if he has made progress towards going back to college. He says he wants to, but does nothing towards it. He also of course, maintains that he can't work because his social anxiety is so bad. I prod his dad to talk to him about getting moving in his life but he does/says nothing. He and I both work alot of hours so my son is alone quite alot, but he does have friends. Now in the summer, he's been with the other guys fairly often, although they will all go back to school the end of next month and he will be alone again.

I don't know what to do, but i feel that my giving him money for his social life and clothes is just so detrimental to him. And i want to stop but i keep on giving to him.

He doesn't drive by the way, like many of your kids.

Thanks for listening,
Maryann

Belkis - posted on 05/12/2013

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Laura,

There is an 800 number where I guess you can order the vitamin regime (I get it directly from the psychiatrist). The number is 855-700-4569. My daughter tried two a day at first, but it was too much (side effect is increased libido), so she now takes one a day. She is also on 1500 mgs of Niacin (taken three times a day). The psychiatrist said if she could tolerate 3,000 mg it would be better, but she has done well with the 1,500 mg.

Happy Mothers day!!!!

Belkis - posted on 05/08/2013

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Laura Argo,


My daughter was first diagnosed with ADD/OCD/Bi-Polar and now at 22 she was diagnosed with Aspergers. . All the other diagnoses were wrong. She dropped out of college because of grades (she does have a math disability) and is now working with vocational rehab to get vocational training. Meanwhile I am helping her apply for disability.

Like your son, she also went through a period of paranoia and is much better with a vitamin regimen her psychiatrist gave her (large doses of Niacin and another vitamin mix that the psychiatrist has marketed). I was skeptical at first, but what a difference the vitamins have made with the paranoia.

I am very frustrated with the psychologists and psychiatrists that she has seen throughout the years. Since she was six I kept saying there is something else. I asked several times if she was on the spectrum. Every time they said no. This is even more difficult since I have a masters in psychology and love the psychology profession.

Btw, if you like to talk privately let me know and I will send my email.

Laura - posted on 02/17/2013

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Tried to edit and take out "he sited" for, he said the expense was the issue. The editing program on the site is not functioning.

Laura - posted on 02/17/2013

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My son is 27. He went to the Art Institute of Dallas and is one credit, and one half of a portfolio short of a two year degree. The dean at the college would not allow him to work on a mandatory, over crowded resume class at home and then report to his instructor for interviewing skills. The Instructor was more than willing to work with my son but he just had to run it by the dean. She said, "No." That was almost six years ago. My son has rarely left the house since and he is developing paranoia from the isolation. He no longer trusts me to cook his meals and he will not allow me into his room for vacuuming and cleaning. He has started to carry a back pack at night when he goes for a walk with his father. He carries his toothpaste and shampoo and drawings. He thinks I will tamper with his things. He no longer eats a normal diet. The fridge is overflowing with healthy food but he says there is nothing to eat. I am trying to avoid MSG but it seems it is in just about everything. My son's degree plan was 3D computer modelling. He designs figures and rigs them to make them ready for animation. His work was often used as an example for other students. I feel we have lost a lot of ground. We all stopped pushing after he was diagnosed. For over twenty years he was undiagnosed even though over the years we spent a small fortune on psychologists and psychiatrists. Anyway, where to go and what to do now? I am an older parent so we must find him a place in the world soon. I have thought about finding another young person who wants to work on an animation project but given the egocentrism, will two Aspies get along if they both have a rigid view of the finished project. I guess I am putting the cart before the horse as I have to find someone first. Then this morning I looked at group living and career training. I would have opted for life skills but the anxiety over being asked to give up his computer chair in our house to go to a new environment is daunting. We worry he will get into trouble as his brain overloads can be misunderstood by society. Certain programs only accept the calmer individuals. I think he could live at home while taking life skills training. We did get him to interview with The Nonpariel Institute out of SMU Plano but he would not go at this time. I think anxiety was the root reason but he sited the expense as the main issue. I feel for all who have altered life courses but we have become more empathetic and understanding as a result.

Teresa - posted on 02/12/2013

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Hello fellow parents of adult aspies living at home,
My son, Nolan is 22, was diagnoised at age 9 with AS. His younger years were fraught with frustration and a constant battle with the school district and teachers, trying to get Nolan the support he desperatley needed. He has always suffered from depression and anxiety - and each year seems to bring new and different behaviors. Nolan also is extremley bright and has a wondorus sense of humor. At 22 I think he must be going thru what a 16 yr old might be - with a very rebellious and poor opinion of everyone and everything. I will write more later - but am reaching out to others who have an adult living at home who seems so totally indifferent and unhappy with everything and everyone around him.

Lori - posted on 02/09/2013

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I have a 19 year old with Autism living at home and I'm 100% okay with that. It's my 15 year old that I'd like to post in the "free" catagory of Craigslist.

Kerry - posted on 02/08/2013

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Hi Cindy, yes its hard having him live away from home. When he initially left it was very difficult for him, he was diagnosed a year later and only then did I realise the extent of his struggles. He doesn't venture out much, his Counsellor says the city "swallows him up" which is true but he has a girlfriend now and although we talk about it a lot, he is reluctant to move back, he sees it as a step backward. He is not in touch with his school friends so his world is small but he likes it that way. His world is his computer and keyboard, he also plays bass guitar. His sleeping habits are the hardest, we've even tried medication but he is up until all hours and then sleeps until 1-2pm, half the day is over. I don't know how he'll cope if he ever finds a suitable job. I'm glad your son enjoyed the concert and trip in the end. Its the hardest thing to stand by and watch them struggle with their "aspieness". My son has self diagnosed Depersonalisation Disorder as well, something we have explored with many psychologists and psychiatrists over the years. He describes it very well, not feeling connected to the world or time but the conclusion is it comes back to his anxiety and his aspergers, sigh.

Kerry - posted on 02/08/2013

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Hi Mariliese, yes it is nice to have contact in Australia. We also went down a long road before we got the correct diagnosis. Starting with his teacher in prep! He was on Ritalin for ADD which didn't fit his profile at all! It started affecting his appetite and sleep patterns so we discontinued it. He has also suffered from depression and is a constant ball of anxiety. He shares a rent house in Melb with a friend he has known for a long time, he could never cope with strangers. He does have a girlfriend and that seems to be going well. In the past, because of his tendency to see only the good in people he is easily taken advantage of. He tried Uni when he finished school but it didn't go well. He spent a year doing not much then tried again in a TAFE course involving video games (his passion??) which was a struggle but he got there and then went on to do an Arts Degree in multimedia. He was registered with the Disability Unit but they were not very helpful. It was up to Lucas to initiate any problems with his Lecturers and of course, that wasn't going to happen! Oral presentations were a nightmare but I don't want to sound negative, he had a great Course Co-Ordinator who is still helping him to try and graduate. The thought of working worries him, he wants to but doesn't know where to start. He has a great Counsellor and applies for jobs online. He is currently registered with a Disability Employment Agency but not much has happened. I find one of the hardest things is knowing when to stand back when you know they need your help so much. He rarely leaves his room ("cave" as we call it) as thats where he feels the safest. He comes home regularly, retreats to his room and recharges his batteries. Like your daughter, he seems oblivious to how much help he requires and gets very frustrated with me. Unfortunately, we are the people they take their frustrations out on, people say - why do you let him talk to you like that but I understand whats going on. He desperately wants a dog but can't in his rent house. He dreams big but his reality is very different. I just support and love him as much as I can. He is a great kid with a sharp sense of humour, quick wit and so smart! I can't imagine him being a parent but it is one of his dearest wishes. Thank you for sharing about your daughter, I would be happy to stay in touch. Good luck!

Terri - posted on 02/08/2013

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cindy i also hav a 23 year old and husband of 51 wud luv 2 hear from u my son at home almost never leaves his room only 2 eat i live in n irelandx

Cindy - posted on 02/07/2013

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I can relate to you Kerry. My son is now 26 and lives at home. I can't even imagine him being out on his own yet like your son! His social anxiety has paralyzed him to the point that he is perfectly happy never going anywhere. Last month my husband (who also is an Aspie) bought concert tickets after our son assured us that he really wanted to go. It was to be a one day trip--drive to Houston, TX ( we are near New Orleans), see the concert and come home that night. The closer it got to the day to go, the more the anxiety got worse and worse. He did get in the car but wouldn't speak. My husband said for two hours, my son tried to pull out his hair, stayed curled in a fetal position, and talked about suicide. It was scary intense. Then he snapped out of it, maybe because he saw there was no choice, and actually said he had a good time. Like you, I wish I could find a mentor for him and/or a job. He's a great kid, smart, good looking, a talented musician, so many things--I think that's why it's so hard for moms to see our kids crippled by their asperger's. I'll stop for now. Glad you found Marilese in Australia!

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