Does anyone have adult children with Asperger's that still live at home? Ihave a 25 year old son with asperger's and social anxiety and I would love to have conversations with moms in the same boat!

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Marie - posted on 01/07/2014

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I found this page while searching the web for ways to help my 24 year old son. I believe he may have aspergers. I am trying to find a way to address this with him and also find out how he could go about finding out if this is what he is dealing with(aspergers). I don't know how else to help him...he is distant with me and blames me alot for the problems he is dealing with and has dealt with all his life. I have other children and noticed from the time he was a toddler that he was different in many ways. I feel helpless to help him and have felt this way since he was little. I didn't know what Aspergers was or had not heard of it until he was in high school. When I read up on it, I found the description fit him in many ways. I brought it up to him and he was very hurt and angry that I would suggest this might be something he has. I worry what will happen to him if some intervention isn't done. I want to support him and help him. His father and I are not together any longer and he has lived with his dad the past five years rather than me. His father will not speak with me and so asking for his involvement or his help/support for our son is out the question. I want to help him in any way I can as I worry what will become of him when I am gone.

Carol - posted on 01/05/2013

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This was such a relief to find this. I have a 19 year that was diagnosed when he was younger. The challenges can sometimes be overwhelming. I love him dearly and others can be so cruel. He spends so much time alone. It makes me very sad. His father is not in his life. It appears that he has more let downs in life then successes. I won't give up being there for him. I just need some words of encouragement because its hard to emotionally deal with.

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I am in the midwest and have a 31 year old son with Aspergers, depression, generalized anxiety and agoraphobia--from the age of about 5. He was only diagnosed with all this about age 24. He was begging for help, begging for answers, and together we finally figured it out, with very little help from the mental health community. He now takes quite a few meds, his depression is controlled, his anxiety is sometimes controlled, but sometimes spirals. We have most recently decided that he needs to be treated for agoraphobia and we are hopeful that this will help what we thought was just generalized anxiety. Now we think the reason he hates to go out is that he is afraid, not just anxious. He will go anywhere with me (they will go out with trusted people), but still refuses to go to groups (Aspergers adult groups). We learn a little more every week and I have come to the conclusion that he may never finish college or be able to work though he is really bright. Now I just want him to be happy and be able to live after I am gone (58).

He is very bright, great looking, never asks for anything, very pleasant, very loving, but filled with anxiety and reclusive. He is Never happy, but always lonesome. Loves music, video games, spelling, grammar...

The reason, I think, that he is so pleasant is that I do not question his illness or push him to be uncomfortable. He has given me his power of attorney so I can do all the paperwork he hates, trying to get him on SS. He has a girlfriend but she is losing patience with always staying in. No job for 6 years.

I am now working on my will, getting a special needs trust in place, and SS benefits to make it possible for him to live safely somewhere. His girlfriend may be a temporary thing. If she dumps him, the meds will keep him from getting too depressed.

I think that the best way to handle our kids is to act as their advocate. They won't see you as the enemy any longer, and you will be able to figure out more ways to both be happy. I must say that even though I dedicate every Thursday to him and his appointments and needs, he really does not ask for anything. He writes me beautiful poetry telling me of his gratitude because I don't make him feel WORSE about something he can't do anything about. Do you ever feel as though you are demanding that someone walk who has no legs? I won't do that to him.

Jennifer - posted on 09/11/2013

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Most of what many of you are describing is not Aspergers. Aspergers is not Social Anxiety or OCD and although there may be comorbidity, Aspergers is a developmental disorder which means your kid- whether living at home at 30 or whatever else has always since Childhood had it- meaning if they made friends easily or were social children who later got odd or changed its not Aspergers. There is a lot of misinformation going around because the internet is full of people just adding their own thoughts and opinions of this disorder which for some reason people have been confusing with Social Anxiety because Aspergers is identified as a disorder involving social skills- but the Aspergers person has a deficit in the function of reading social skills so would not be hiding in the house "scared of social interaction." Social Phobia is not Aspergers- in the first case the person is too analytical and overly concerned with social cues and the reactions of others, what they will say and if they will soind stupid that they close off, exhibiting a lack of social interest although innately they Dont miss a thing- the opposite is true of Aspergers. They are often so in thrir own world and lack social cues that they dont realize most of the time how stupid they sound- or if they other person cares. The only anxiety they would have may be concerned with perservation but thats only because they have been told or learned from past experiences that they dont follow social cues- if you do this at all you dont have this and a ton of people with OCD and SA or SP have issues with jobs-

An Aspie would under 90% of the time typically not notice how socially different they were- they would not be concerned with being socially acceptable or fitting in the same way another person with say, OCD or SA would be. Aspergers people don't necessarily pick up on things the other 2 disorders would pick up on or be overlly concerned with.

And if you Adult son or daughter was once a happy socially content child- with friends and boyfriends and sleepovers and people calling the house and not coming home crying because they were odd to the point no one wanted to sit with them at lunch- or because someone had to say something to them for them to understand or reflect that it may have been insppropriate- then they don't have Asperger's- they have something else.

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My son is 31, acts like he is 15. He could read at age 3 and has always had a high IQ. He has absolutely no sense that he should be doing something to further his life. He asks why he just can't live with his dad or me like he always has... It is imperative that they be treated with dignity and not be pushed and prodded like disappointments. No one does that to adults with other mental illnesses. And don't get me wrong, I don't do everything for him. I don't even live with him. I just let him know that I know he is disappointed that he has problems with life.

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Tammy - posted on 10/15/2014

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Have you tried finding a local support group for asperger's? I am in the process of getting my 25 yr old tested for aspergers, so tonight I was searching online for support groups...I found many...and one stood out where the young adult aspies get together with parents...but the aspies have to sit at a table together doing art...music...or whatever to build social skills...I mentioned to my daughter...but she doesn't want it...but she does want testing for aspergers. I'm not giving up...they even have support for the parents themselves...so I will go...make some friends...and maybe invite the mom and her aspie adult child over to watch a movie or eat...and hope I can get my daughter to join us...that's my plan so....website I went to was meetup.com

Raisa - posted on 10/09/2014

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an adult child with aspergers' is so difficult. he is alone, out of work, stays inside almost whole day. he talks in circles and has so plan. PLEASE someone suggest something.

Bee - posted on 09/08/2014

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After reading many of the posts ref adults with Aspergers, my 30 year old son was finally diagnosed by a wonderful lady called Maxine in a Coventry. My son struggles in a world that does not understand him, he's bright and so loveable but he can't get a job as no one ever gives him a chance by understanding his crazy or should I say, different ways. I'm always happy to talk with anyone, although I've no idea how I do this on a personal level. Any ideas welcome

Wendy - posted on 09/03/2014

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I understand exactly. Us Mums end up being their only support but what happens once we are gone. I know in itself that will be bigger than huge because its a major change in their life, but with no one else to pick up the pieces, what will become of our adult Asperger sufferer. The family who will still be living wont understand because our Aspies hide so much from others. I have had to become my sons best friend but it can all get very tiring at times. Us mums worry about the same things but unfortunately there are no answers. I can only hope I have done the best I can for mine when the time comes. I will need to leave whatever I have at the time to him, his sister needs for nothing and has everything but he will have nothing all his life. All so sad

Melina - posted on 08/28/2014

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Hi Crystal. My 20 year old makes electronic music all day but wont let us hear any of it. He wont go to school or look for work or go to therapy. He is very shy , intellegent and has ocd. I dont know if it is apergers with ocd or just ocd , but he doesnt communicate with us. My husband and I go to therapy, nami, ocd meetings. He isnt trying to get better he seems content just sitting in his room all day. We make him leave till 6pm every day. Ill let you know how that goes.We arent rich and getting older and worried about his future as well as ours. Tell me more. mel

Melina - posted on 08/28/2014

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had my son tested for aspergers twice when he was young. They said he wasnt. He is 20 now has ocd and wont do anything but electronic music all day. We have been to nami, therapy and make him leave every day till 6. He wont go to therapy, his friends have moved on. He wont talk to us about what he is feeling. His room is ocd style. very messy paper all over the floor to protect him from chemicals he says. He smiles very little, has little eye contact and is very shy and people say he is strange looking but very handsome and doesnt know it. Women comment to me all the time about this. No girlfriends lasting more than 2 weeks. Doesnt know what to say to them so breaks up with them. I still thing he is Aspergers, He also excels in all tests at school but was very bored and I had to push him to graduate. Tell me your experiance. mel

Sarah - posted on 08/26/2014

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But that's so hard, so sad. My husband is still sticking by my side, but I don't know for how long. My AS 18-year-old son (his stepson) doesn't make a single thing easy. It's a lot of back-breaking dedication for hardly any payoff or relief. . .

You sound like an amazing mom.

Sarah - posted on 08/26/2014

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Totally get what you're going through. It's awful. My husband and I are at our wit's end too--don't want to see our 18 year old get hurt out on his own or with other biological parent/relatives who won't do as much as we do, but can't deal with the disrespect and constant video-gaming. . .

Sarah - posted on 08/26/2014

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Our son is 18, and has AS. He is explosive, disrespectful, and often just spends 8 hours a day playing video games. My husband and I just had a counseling appointment with his new therapist, hoping to get some good instruction and support. Instead she told my husband and I that we needed a lot of help in our marriage! She offered no support or sympathy whatsoever--even went on to say that a lot of husbands and wives "blame" all their problems on the AS child. Can you believe it? I feel so totally blasted, and even more hopeless than before I saw her--and she was supposed to be a lifeline. Does anyone have any advice?

Joanne - posted on 08/21/2014

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My. Daughter is 22 has been diagnosed years ago with autism asberges ADHD you name it she's been diagnosed she has an high IQ she struggled in school and when to special education needs senior school then struggled in main stream collage so ended up going to a disabled collage and we have never looked back she now an accountant she only works 3 days a week there are 2 others work there so it suits her we support her getting her there make sure she's dressed appropriate to go to work .She has no hygiene skill so we deal with that by reminding her and making sure she deal with that .when it comes to her own time she spends most time in her room on games doesn't even get ready doesn't get washed but that's her no common sense and talks rubbish but so what if we accept her does it matter if other people don't she's been bullied picked on but come out ok she doesn't care what people think so why should i worry she's happy doing what she does with support and care she's ok but getting the right support is vital for these adults or they don't stand a chance in the real world my daughter has and doing ok good luck to all you parents who's still struggling but don't give up just keep fighting their corner like you always have

Tammy - posted on 08/19/2014

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I feel your pain. I have a 20 year old aspie..or hfa..so smart, and capable except for his anxiety and depression and lack of social skills. Two failed college attempts, a little community college, a little work..we finally tried a wilderness program where he melted down and got kicked out of and a transition program where he melted down and tried to kill himself..so now what...he wants to live at home, work a little, play video games a lot..is that a life???
at my whits end.

Lynn - posted on 08/06/2014

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I have been there for a long time. My son is 23 years old and still lives at home. He had a job about a year ago and quit because he got hurt. Since then he has no desire to get one. He stays in his room and plays on his Ipad and watches TV all day.I also have a 22 year old son that does not have any problems and it is the same way with him. I have been trying to push on both of them. Neither one has a drivers license either. I have tried and tried to help them. We have so many money problems right now as well. I'm really disgusted right now.Any suggestions?

Wendy - posted on 08/04/2014

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It seems there are many of us in the same position. It seems that home is their safe haven. Where they are least stressed. Going away from that security is a huge stress for them on their own. It's why they don't want to move out of home, are not interested in trying to meet people, are only comfortable around family because they accept them just as they are with no judgement of their quirky ways. They are happy to go out with a parent if the parent needs to go do things because they know its the best way for them to get out of the house, otherwise they become a total hermit.
My 24yr old needs me as his advocate for medical things, paperwork and organising things.
I gave up my own life 10 yr ago when I got retrenched as that was when he was diagnosed. I knew he needed me more than ever to sort through all the problems and give him the support to cope just with the basics of life.
I chose to have him, he didnt ask to be born or develop ASD, so I consider it my fault he is the way he is, my responsibility to help him cope with life as long as I can.
I know they say God helps those who help themselves but people with ASD just don't have the ability or skills to help themselves. They will always need someone by their side who understands their condition. Just the same as an autistic person has needs, and ASD person is thought to be lazy just because the are high functioning but they still have autistic elements.
I get frustrated when my daughter gets on her high horse as we say, that my son should make an effort. She has no idea how mentally draining it is for him to deal with people in general. To try and hold down a casual job ended up being so stressful and debilitating made depression another element to deal with. He can't help being the way he is so she needs to stop having expectations that he will never achieve.
I would say him and i having accepted his condition and the problems it causes him has brought us closer. He is my best friend, actually my only friend because others just don't understand why he doesn't work, why he still lives at home and why I need to do business stiff for him.
I am now officially his Carer so I have accepted that he will always need my support.
I chose to have him, he didn't ask to have to live a life of less value than his sister.
From one mother to another who lives with a shadow...ASD!

Wendy - posted on 08/04/2014

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I have a 24yr old son with Aspie as we call it. He was diagnosed 10yr ago which led us to take him out of school because they didn't believe he had the condition and weren't really interested in helping accommodate him much. So I took on the challenge myself with the hep of the Education Depts Distance Education Program. We live in Australia. Had we have not done this he would never have finished senior High as the school wanted me to take him out in Yr 10 and try and find him a job! He also suffers with severe asthma and migraines which made regular school attendance difficult. It seems that a combination of things brought him unstuck with being ale to cope and hide a lot of his issues when young. Puberty and his sister moving away to Uni. As we all know they don't cope with change and this was all too much change for him to cope with as well as the stress of school life. Home schooling was the best thing I did for him. It allowed him to learn about his condition and understand why he was always different to everyone else around him. Took a lot of the stress away which reduced his migraines. Allowed him to work at his own pad which meant we took an extra year for him to finish High School. It took him 3 attempts to get his driving license by the age of 19. He held down a casual job at the library for 4 yrs till too many changes in the work environment got the better of him and depression set it. Needless to say he lost his job.
We have been lucky enough after 3 attempts to finally have him granted disability support pension and I have recently been granted Carer pension. This in itself is a great help and something we should have applied for years ago, but no one tells you these things. It was stressful for my son to attend the foot interviews with strangers but they at least saw first hand why he fails at interviews.
We like many have resigned ourselves to the fact that he will always live with us till the day we die and then what. All I can do is leave the house to him so that he will always have a place to live at least.
He would love to live a normal life and enjoy things with friends but he doesn't have any. They all moved away after school. Some keep I touch via the net.
Add to the list a hate of telephones because there again it means communicating with strangers, a germ phobia away from the house because of strangers germs and it doesn't make lie easy.
We've tried counsellors and even a couple of psychologists but if he doesn't want to talk to them they can't do much for him.
For now he seems content that I am officially his Carer, but it doesn't improve anything about the future. With no job to require him to mix with people he will become a hermit stuck at home with limited funds to do anything.
But at age 58-61 we his parents don't have the energy to fight life for him anymore. All we can do our best to support him in whatever way he needs till we can no longer do that because we are too old and hope that he develops enough skills to manage, but I know it will be devastating for him just as it was when he lost his Nan

Ruth - posted on 08/01/2014

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Hi, I am a mother of a 17 year old boy that has ADHD and Aspargers.I am so rested because he is spending the sommer in Brazil.

Pat - posted on 07/31/2014

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I am a 68 year old widow with a 33 year old son with Aspergers (or mild Autism).My son gets disability from his deceased military retired father. I am always so sad for my son because he just mostly stays in his bedroom most of the time. My son would " give his right arm" to have a girlfriend...that part of him is normal, but I can't find one for him, ya' know. I am so fearful for his future, their are no relatives to care for him when I'm gone, I was the youngest of 6 and none of my siblings are still living. He only has cousins left and they hardly know we exist, they have their own lives. My son loves movies, Hollywood, etc. If he could even find a penpal with similar interests that would help. He had one friend in high school but he has moved on with a wife, children, etc. I think it really hurts my son that his friend hardly ever calls him, he has to always call him then his friend will cut him short on the phone, etc. Just wanted to tell our story. Pat Ribelin pribelin@tampabay.rr.com

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Hi Belkis,
I know what you mean. There are days when I can't lift myself up enough to deal with some of the behaviors I deal with, probably because of my own health issues. I always feel depressed when I lose composure and become reactive to his negative emotionally charged outbursts. But, we're only human. Sometimes I have to go sit in my car and meditate. Thank heavens there's a huge forest to walk in about 30 minutes drive from here! That's where I go to collect my thoughts and recharge whenever I can. My Mom used to say 'you get strong by being strong', it's not something you're born with. I think she was right!
I hope your daughter will find some type of support group that she can relate to. Don't give up...some times we find discover resources we never knew were there. I certainly never expected a perfect stranger who inspired my son to seek therapy during a single conversation when I'd never been able to convince him all those years before.
Hugs to you!

Jane - posted on 07/07/2014

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Hi, I have Aspergers myself and am a lone parent to my 21yr old daughter who is also diagnosed with Aspergers. My greatest worry is where will my daughter live when I die.I would be very grateful for any information anyone might have and would like to offer support to anyone struggling with asperger issues. I live in East Sussex and my email address is freedom.jk51@googlemail.com
Many thanks
Jane

Marcia - posted on 07/02/2014

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Hi Maria,
I just had my 22 year old son finally diagnosed this past week, it is no longer called Aspergers, now the term in High Functioning Autism. I went to STAR of California, he had educational testing for possible learning disabilities (which he did not have) and testing for possible autism which he was diagnosed. This diagnosis was not a surprise to myself or his father as we pretty much knew it. Since my son is older it was harder for him to understand and accept his diagnosis. I hope this helps you.

Marcia Cooper

Andree - posted on 07/01/2014

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have a 27 year old son with severe social anxiety and am in the UK. Here there seems to be very little support and we often feel ground down and lost with no idea how to help him. It's a hard road to be on. xx

Maria - posted on 06/22/2014

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I have a 19 year old son who I need to get a diagnose, I believe he has aspergers or is in the spectrum of autism, I live in Los Angeles can someone guide me to a center or someone who can do that diagnose, besides regional center, thanks!

Gina - posted on 06/22/2014

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My name is Gina. I have an Aspie he is 23 year old living at home and failure to launch and regressing the older he gets. His dad thinks I should leave him alone and let him do what he does because he just can't deal with life like everyone else does. His father lives 22 miles away and so do my parents that raised him due to a 3 year custody battle I didn't have the money to keep fighting. Computers, video games, and now the iphone gaming devices allowed him to stay isolated until they wanted something then they would yell and scream and call names and berate him so at age 21 my son decided that the verbal abuse was more than he could handle moved in with me. There are three and possibly four A.S.D. in this family. My son, my sister-in-law, my nephew, and possibly my step daughter. I have experience with male aspies but none with female apies. Help and good advice is needed with both.

Gina - posted on 06/22/2014

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I would like more information from those of you who have daughters with A. S. because my brother married a 24 year old girl with it and I can see major differences in boys with A.S. and her. I do not know how to deal with her when she has a "mad" melt down and cries because he wants some time to visit with his family. Also when I met my husbands daughter I saw some of the same characteristics in her as my son that is A.S. and I really want to know how to understand and help them achieve a level my son hasn't. I feel like an empty tea still trying to dispense tea to 15 empty cups. I can't give what hasn't been replenished. Ladies if you do not take care of your needs you will start feeling the same way. When a sponge dries out it needs water we need people and things to pour water on the sponge.

Gina - posted on 06/22/2014

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Vocational Rehabilitation Services can and will help as long as they are receiving positive results from the client.

Crystal - posted on 06/22/2014

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I have a 22 year old son woth social anxiety disorder living at home, I fee your pain. I would love to chat some time.
Crystal

Gina - posted on 06/22/2014

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I am thinking I will have to put my son in a transitional home and let them figure out what works and then stick to it when he gets back. It is either that or make him an apartment out of the mobile homes that were damaged in 2011 tornadoes. His father has ASD without the diagnoses. No help with our son. It is easy to tell you sugar pills and apartment. But I can't get my child to clean his room and pick up his mess in the kitchen.

Gina - posted on 06/22/2014

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I believe your son is higher functioning than mine son. My son is 23 he failed too many subject his 10th grade year to make up in summer school. The principal talked up the YSP "youth success program" in translation quit school get a GED that way your scores doesn't look bad on the school. He got his GED, and attended a community college he didn't do well with it because he isn't going to do what instructors want he want to do projects his way on his subject. My son doesn't drive, his only girl friend lived in NY, she attended college here for a very short time. My son stays in his room with electronics, his room is a disaster, he thinks I am unreasonable to ask him to do anything that takes him away from electronics. I do not get help from anyone with him and I don't want to live with him if he will not take care of himself and responsibilities. We got him into business but everyone else had to do the work and stay after him to just water the plants.
HELP!!!!

Gina - posted on 06/22/2014

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I have a 23 year old son at home. That doesn't not drive and doesn't like to be away from his electronics to do anything.

Amy - posted on 06/21/2014

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The only "True" way to find out if your son/daughter has Asperger's, is to have them professionally diagnosed by a doctor. My son saw a psychiatrist first, who then referred him to a psychologist. And within 15 minutes of the doctor asking him questions, he figured out he does have Asperger's. He didn't get diagnosed until he was 15 years old.
I just thought when he was younger, that he was shy. He has an older brother who is VERY talkative! He didn't start talking until 3 years old. He was always pretty high functioning, which is why we didn't know about Asperger's. When I remarried, my husband's father is a doctor. After meeting my son, he told us to have him checked out by the specialist. We had him in counseling for awhile, until insurance ran out. He had a VERY hard time opening up to the psychologist. It didn't go very well, and my son doesn't want to go back. I bought a Very helpful book on Asperger's, but he won't read it. It's VERY Frustrating!! He just turned 22 years old. He's actually had 1 girlfriend of 2 years, but are broke up now. He barely passed high school in 2007. He went to a community college the winter quarter after graduation, but he had to take remedial classes to get up to par. He seemed to really like college, too! He's been out of college for about 1.5 years. And he does plan to get back this fall. Since he got his FIRST job, at Taco John's, he has become more social and more confident!! He talks about his job ALL the time, and after awhile, I'll ask him to change the subject. He has Great eye contact now! I worked with him, and told him when he's talking to me, he Needs to look at me so I know he's talking to me, which I will do the same. He likes being a hermit. He really only has 1 good friend. And I'm 100% sure, that he also has Asperger's. But the parents won't get him tested. He lives at his dad's, since it's close to his work where he can walk. And comes to my house usually on weekends. He doesn't want to drive and his 17 year old sister will drive him places. He doesn't feel embarrassed about it either. He may be living with us for many years, UNLESS, he gets a better job and shares a house with roommates. I believe his Grandma had Asperger's. Back then, we didn't know what it was. She had alot of the classic signs. My ex, is ignorant to this disorder! I told him to get a book and read it! Some people don't believe in mental illness, which is Truly Sad :(

Cherylanne - posted on 06/20/2014

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We have a 27 year old daughter still living at home with us, her 3 older siblings have done well in their careers, are married and have their own children, we have a midwife, a environmental auditor, a qualified builder, and our youngest was diagnosed with Aspergers and add at age 23 years after many years of going from Dr to Dr she is happy to take her medication and OCD about everything to do with her health every year it is a different disorder that she obsessive about I work in the health industry and it drives me nuts I have seen so many drs with her I cant count them anymore, people close to my husband and myself just see us as having a spoilt brat just wish I get get them to get it don't bother now she is very bright but socially clueless and can achieve but anxiety and depression and panic attacks gets in her way of learning evening doing volunteer work has been stressful and difficult I just think OMG what are we going to do the pressure on my marriage is starting to show cracks after 33 years plus mu husband is getting angry and annoyed and arguing with her all the time what to do I wish I just new the answer, we have grandkids we are in our mid 50s one of my grandsons has cystic fibrosis and autism, and another grandson has prader-willi syndrome some days are just crazy I am trying to keep positive and think how I can help our daughter move forward any ideas very much welcomed. thankyou

Belkis - posted on 06/18/2014

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Bj,

I have good days and bad days. I feel bad because sometimes the only thing I can do is just ask her to leave me alone for a bit. She can be so intense and she always so negative. My daughter tried CBT but she said it did not work for her. She was not being honest with the therapist with her feelings, so nothing came of it. I go to therapy once a week to deal with the stress and take time out for myself whenever I can. Regarding SSI, it took me 4 months to get benefits. I submitted medical records from the age of 2 to 22. She was denied the first time and the second time she was approved.

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My son was motivated by the caseworker at Human Services dept. who reviewed his application to extend foodstamps. He told my son to consider seeking SSI. As my son's only support and caregiver, well, I will not live forever and then who will provide for my son? So, in thinking about this, my son finally cooperated in starting cognitive behavioral therapy thru our county mental health dept. I think it is a good thing, not only because it may provide him with assistance in getting on 'Disability', but because he is learning to evaluate his own moods and internal mental environment. He's realizing that he IS different, not bad, just different. It's difficult for me to continue dealing with all of his behaviors that are stressful, but I'm glad he is gaining coping skills thru therapy. I hope he continues to go! I think that adult caregivers should seek therapy to find support for helping them to cope and that's what I'm going to do. We were told that folks with my son's type of issues often qualify for 'Disability" and that's my focus before I die...to see that he will at least have financial support when I'm gone.

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My son was diagnosed as a teen with adhd and anxiety disorder. It wasn't until recently that he was diagnosed with aspergers at age 29. He is my adult dependent and I'm a widow. He is finally doing some cognitive behavioral therapy this year which is helping him to understand himself and I think it's improving his self esteem and impulse control issues. I feel like I'm experiencing 'burnout' that many caregivers talk about and it's hard to keep afloat in a sea of stress and the feeling of isolation. It helps to have somebody to talk to who knows what it's like. How are you doing and are you coping ok since your last post?

Belkis - posted on 06/10/2014

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Kate,

It does seem to get harder as they get older. She seems to cooperate less and less as she gets older. It is sad because they are smart yet they have the emotional intelligence of a child. At 24 my daughter is still slacks on hygiene. I have to smell her hair all the time because she does not wash it properly. I don't know if living at home is working. I think it may be making it worse, but we can't seem to find supported living arrangements in Miami, FL.

Belkis - posted on 06/10/2014

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Theresa,

I have a 24 year old daughter with PDD. She is on SSI and has no motivation to do anything with her life. She is not interested in relationships, takes her medication reluctantly (I told her she could not stay with us unless she takes it). Her anxiety is still difficult to manage and she is very moody. She was diagnosed late in life (at 22) and has ADD as as well. At present, she needs to up her medication because it is not helping with the obsessive thoughts and anxiety. We are considering supported living arrangements, but have no idea where to turn. If you are interested, I love to talk.

Sinew - posted on 06/05/2014

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I am a 34 year old man with Aspergers. I have two bachelors (NCSU and ECU respectively) degrees, worked in education for twelve years, own a home, cars and even a boat. I have been married for four years and had plenty of girlfriends throughout my twenties and late teens. To top that off I'm a published novelist. There are plenty of others like me, we're just not discussed as often. For some, Aspergers can be an intellectual gift. Luckily, many Aspies are now sought out for their unique abilities.

Theresa - posted on 06/01/2014

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My son is 24 years old and on the autism spectrum. He was originally diagnosed as having Asperger's but later with Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (how is that for a mouthful?); he has also been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder and anxiety. My husband and I both feel that despite challenges his whole life, his situation became much worse after he graduated from high school. I think the highly structured routine of school, with the bell ringing every 48 minutes to tell him where to go and what to do was really helpful. After high school he tried a little bit of community college, but if I didn't stay on top of his assignments every single day, essentially doing the classes alongside with him, he would stop doing the work and fail the class. He is highly unmotivated and hasn't done much of anything for the last four years. It took a long time, but we got him on SSI and deemed eligible for Developmental Disability Services and Vocational Rehab. However, he kept cancelling appointments with his DD provider and finally rejected services. He also declined an interview with Target that was set up by Voc Rehab (because he wanted to see a girl that day that he had met online), so Voc Rehab closed his file. He loves me as his mom and sometimes listens to me--but increasingly less so if it requires that he make any effort at all. He lived in an apartment with a girlfriend for two years in absolute squalor. They just broke up, and he moved back home a few days ago. All he does is lie in bed literally all day and text people or tries to meet girls online. He gets out of bed to go to the bathroom and to eat two meals a day, and that's it! I'm don't want to tolerate this but am also not willing to let him be homeless. I'm taking the next week off to look for supported housing for him, but there aren't a lot of options. He used to take meds that seemed to help some but has since decided he doesn't need them. What are we supposed to do with or for him?

Kate - posted on 05/27/2014

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I don't know if it makes you feel better, sometimes knowing you're not alone helps. I have a son who will be 21 this Summer. He has known he has Asperger's since around 8th grade. It seemed to be a relief to him to know why he was so different than his twin(male). His twin was popular and always "took care" of Eric. Including him in all social activities and get together as well as making it clear no one picks on his bro. The problem? The twin is away at college. Eric commutes to the local community college. Although he has a very high IQ, without constant monitoring, he will fail a class. He refuses to get a job. He expects us (his parents) to supply his money, car, clothes, etc. He takes no responsibility for anything. We too see him living under a bridge in 10 years. My husband is so concerned he is restructuring our assets so that won't happen. And putting his twin with power of attorney. My son sees a psychiatrist and a psychologist.
The older he gets, the less willing he is to cooperate. We just don't know what to do.

Sharon - posted on 05/13/2014

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I feel like I landed on this site today by the grace of God....my google search was actually "Asperger's young adult failure to launch driving me crazy help me please."

He is 24 years old, and has just walked off of job number 4, or refused to go in, after one day on the job, because he didn't have lunch money. I try to give advice and he says "help with cash, not words," and cash handouts only exacerbate the problem. He talked again today of going on disability, but I don't see how he'd ever qualify...He had an IEP in school, but has a diploma, is smarter than average, is physically healthy, and I'm just so distressed right now. We've tried technical school, and he quit that, too....after blowing his pell grant on ridiculousness. He has a driver's license, can fix cars, can do a million and one things, but wants to live forever on my couch watching the Discovery Channel and making the occasional meal. I imagine him under a bridge somewhere in 10 years, with a sign, begging for money, and my heart is breaking :( I'm open to any advice, any suggestions, any butt-kicking that I need to move either him or me off this current place where we only worry and fight.

Mayela - posted on 05/12/2014

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Try to find out if there is a company with a program to help people with desabilities. Here in florida Publix Supermaket has such a program. Also tell him to go to job force i am syre they will help him get a job.

Jo Marie - posted on 04/25/2014

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Yes I. I do have a son with autism and lives at home no job but has his driver licenses
Iam concern about. Him not having a job and when Iam gone what will happen to him his father is not with us

Robin - posted on 04/25/2014

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My son is 22 years old. He has just completed his Associates degree, has always loved math since he was 6 years old. Would like to teach one day. We are attempting to find a program not to far from home for him to complete his Bachelors. We paid for his Associates program but cannot afford to foot the entire costs for his Bachelors. We're looking for grants and scholarships and keep hitting road blocks. I'm a bit frustrated because there need to be more programs for young adults with ASD. We want our children to be independent but sometimes there seems to be no where to turn.

Robin - Frustrated Mom

Jo Marie - posted on 04/24/2014

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My son has asperger . He is now tweny years old no job . He does have his driver license. An a car . he has apply every where but no luck. we try to get disability for him but he been refuse 3x can any one please tell me how is he going to servy if no one will give him a job. What do I do now? My email is mamajojous@yahoo.com

Francine - posted on 04/16/2014

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I support those who are feeling lonely or are having difficulty. But I don't think it needs to be.

My son is just about to turn 27. I agree with the moms who have found that direct advice is a turn-off for adults with Asperger's syndrome. (Adults should be treated as adults.) A joke, or finding a way to encourage the right direction without them recognizing it right away is the most effective. Of course, I've been found out more than once, but he's forgiving. I just tell him it's a "mom thing." His school life (jr. high/high school) was so miserable with bullying that he took a few community college classes right out of high school because his sister (same age) was going to college, but he failed miserably because he was angry and bitter still. He began working as server in a restaurant, which all the "experts" said he could not do, and learned to cope even though the first week as a host at the door, he hid in the bathroom most of the time and called me begging me to come get him. He was proud of the way he handled that job as he went along (8 years now) and wanted to get into management, but a new owner of the restaurant doesn't recognize his talents as the former one did, but does see all too well his challenges. Once that dream went away, he decided to go back to community college full time. He was at that time taking a American Sign Language class so he could communicate with customers who had challenges. He is graduating in a month and moving a thousand miles away to complete his bachelors and plans to go on to get his masters (in communication sciences and disorders). (At one time, he wanted to be a CNA and went to school, but the "experts" were correct. He simply could not juggle everything at once in that demanding, fast-paced environment.)

I hope you can see by my son's story, that there is hope. He is not the same as my other children (2 girls) who some would say are more "mature," but I'm not sure I would explain it that way. I don't think the word is accurate, although I see what they mean. He is who he is, and he's wonderful, kind, gentle, funny ... Asperger's does not have to be a "sentence" of misery.

He doesn't have close friends. He hangs out with no one but his sister (who lives in town) and his parents. When he moves, he'll be close to his grandparents and will hang out with them. No one should feel sorry for him though. He does not view the world the same as they and does not define himself the same as they would. He is happy.

One more thing. I asked him if he would like to meet more people with Asperger's, and maybe even start dating. He told me no. He gets on his own nerves and they would get on his nerves too. You can take that anyway you wish, but it gives you an insight I would think. He's just fine as he is.

Treat them as individuals with responsibility. They are no different than any other individual with responsibilities.

Lisa - posted on 03/04/2014

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I do not anyone to be my friend out of pity. If she does not like my company, I would want her to leave.

Terrie-Lynn - posted on 03/03/2014

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I guess I`m wondering am I wrong placing a worker with him to gain him more exposure to society and to gain some work experience...I worry about expecting too much but then theres another part of me who feels I am failing him for not setting expectations and I worry about the time when I am no longer here to look out for him

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