Does anyone have adult children with Asperger's that still live at home? Ihave a 25 year old son with asperger's and social anxiety and I would love to have conversations with moms in the same boat!

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Marie - posted on 01/07/2014

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I found this page while searching the web for ways to help my 24 year old son. I believe he may have aspergers. I am trying to find a way to address this with him and also find out how he could go about finding out if this is what he is dealing with(aspergers). I don't know how else to help him...he is distant with me and blames me alot for the problems he is dealing with and has dealt with all his life. I have other children and noticed from the time he was a toddler that he was different in many ways. I feel helpless to help him and have felt this way since he was little. I didn't know what Aspergers was or had not heard of it until he was in high school. When I read up on it, I found the description fit him in many ways. I brought it up to him and he was very hurt and angry that I would suggest this might be something he has. I worry what will happen to him if some intervention isn't done. I want to support him and help him. His father and I are not together any longer and he has lived with his dad the past five years rather than me. His father will not speak with me and so asking for his involvement or his help/support for our son is out the question. I want to help him in any way I can as I worry what will become of him when I am gone.

Carol - posted on 01/05/2013

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This was such a relief to find this. I have a 19 year that was diagnosed when he was younger. The challenges can sometimes be overwhelming. I love him dearly and others can be so cruel. He spends so much time alone. It makes me very sad. His father is not in his life. It appears that he has more let downs in life then successes. I won't give up being there for him. I just need some words of encouragement because its hard to emotionally deal with.

Jennifer - posted on 09/11/2013

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Most of what many of you are describing is not Aspergers. Aspergers is not Social Anxiety or OCD and although there may be comorbidity, Aspergers is a developmental disorder which means your kid- whether living at home at 30 or whatever else has always since Childhood had it- meaning if they made friends easily or were social children who later got odd or changed its not Aspergers. There is a lot of misinformation going around because the internet is full of people just adding their own thoughts and opinions of this disorder which for some reason people have been confusing with Social Anxiety because Aspergers is identified as a disorder involving social skills- but the Aspergers person has a deficit in the function of reading social skills so would not be hiding in the house "scared of social interaction." Social Phobia is not Aspergers- in the first case the person is too analytical and overly concerned with social cues and the reactions of others, what they will say and if they will soind stupid that they close off, exhibiting a lack of social interest although innately they Dont miss a thing- the opposite is true of Aspergers. They are often so in thrir own world and lack social cues that they dont realize most of the time how stupid they sound- or if they other person cares. The only anxiety they would have may be concerned with perservation but thats only because they have been told or learned from past experiences that they dont follow social cues- if you do this at all you dont have this and a ton of people with OCD and SA or SP have issues with jobs-

An Aspie would under 90% of the time typically not notice how socially different they were- they would not be concerned with being socially acceptable or fitting in the same way another person with say, OCD or SA would be. Aspergers people don't necessarily pick up on things the other 2 disorders would pick up on or be overlly concerned with.

And if you Adult son or daughter was once a happy socially content child- with friends and boyfriends and sleepovers and people calling the house and not coming home crying because they were odd to the point no one wanted to sit with them at lunch- or because someone had to say something to them for them to understand or reflect that it may have been insppropriate- then they don't have Asperger's- they have something else.

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I am in the midwest and have a 31 year old son with Aspergers, depression, generalized anxiety and agoraphobia--from the age of about 5. He was only diagnosed with all this about age 24. He was begging for help, begging for answers, and together we finally figured it out, with very little help from the mental health community. He now takes quite a few meds, his depression is controlled, his anxiety is sometimes controlled, but sometimes spirals. We have most recently decided that he needs to be treated for agoraphobia and we are hopeful that this will help what we thought was just generalized anxiety. Now we think the reason he hates to go out is that he is afraid, not just anxious. He will go anywhere with me (they will go out with trusted people), but still refuses to go to groups (Aspergers adult groups). We learn a little more every week and I have come to the conclusion that he may never finish college or be able to work though he is really bright. Now I just want him to be happy and be able to live after I am gone (58).

He is very bright, great looking, never asks for anything, very pleasant, very loving, but filled with anxiety and reclusive. He is Never happy, but always lonesome. Loves music, video games, spelling, grammar...

The reason, I think, that he is so pleasant is that I do not question his illness or push him to be uncomfortable. He has given me his power of attorney so I can do all the paperwork he hates, trying to get him on SS. He has a girlfriend but she is losing patience with always staying in. No job for 6 years.

I am now working on my will, getting a special needs trust in place, and SS benefits to make it possible for him to live safely somewhere. His girlfriend may be a temporary thing. If she dumps him, the meds will keep him from getting too depressed.

I think that the best way to handle our kids is to act as their advocate. They won't see you as the enemy any longer, and you will be able to figure out more ways to both be happy. I must say that even though I dedicate every Thursday to him and his appointments and needs, he really does not ask for anything. He writes me beautiful poetry telling me of his gratitude because I don't make him feel WORSE about something he can't do anything about. Do you ever feel as though you are demanding that someone walk who has no legs? I won't do that to him.

Valentina - posted on 11/25/2015

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Hi there, i hope this thread is still active.

I have been searching the internet for advice on how I can help my younger brother, i really don't know what to do any more and my mother is falling apart. She breaks down in tears everyday and is not speaking to anyone other than me about the situation with my brother as she wants to stay strong for them and not worry them (i have 3 other siblings) if anybody has any advice i would be so grateful.

My brother is now 22 and is living at home and is un-employed. He stays in his room all the time and is going out very rarely lately, the last time I noticed he had gone out the house was a month ago. He sleeps during the day and will only come downstairs late in the night so he can get his dinner. I have noticed now that if i stay up late he wont come down until i have gone to bed and nobody is around. He seems to be very insensitive to others and can say the most hurtful, absurd things at times. Also I think he is very insecure about the way he looks, although he is a very handsome man but he doesn't see it.

He has always been little socially awkward but it has just got worse and worse. A few years ago he started avoiding people more and any social gatherings in the family. I think this is because he is embarrassed about his life and his fear is being confronted with questions.The problems really started when he was 15/16, i remember it was really hard to get him to school at one point. However he managed to get good grades in highschool but he didn't finish college. He was working part-time since then but last year he got fired as he could never make it in on time and he resented the job he was doing. Now he wont come anywhere with us as a family and when trying to speak to him he tries to avoid eye contact and speaks very quiet and unclear. At times when we have crossed paths and I say hello he responds with 'what do you want' or 'shut up'. How do I talk to him?

Getting a job in the area is out of the question for him now and he will not try. I have to mention that last year he worked abroad for a few months and we were all so happy for him but then they send him home due to lateness and its since then that the situation has worsened and got to this.

Does anybody have any ideas what this could be? My mother has said she always noticed he was different as a child and she had thought of taking him to the doctors to investigate if he had any behavioural problems. Now she is blaming herself too because of this and thinking would it be better if she had seen somebody then..

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Mikie - posted on 05/08/2016

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im 24 hello how are you doing i have autism i have level 2 autism which mean i need help with lots of stuff in my life my mom helps me lots in my life shes my hero as a kid i always had her and i still have my mom now my favorite person is my mom i never had many friends but i was ok i can talk walk do lots of things living with autism is not easy i struggle everyday too do the best i can, i do have adhd, ocd, speech issues, i have bad learning issues i have asthma . allergy's i have anxiety issues bad i have night terrors i dont like yelling or mean people i cry when people are mean too me im over senstive i had lots of surgery's ,i dont like dentists, i like helping people, i love Christmas, Halloween, i like movies, music, video games, i like fishing, i cant swim deep water fears i like camping, i like disney, i like minecraft im really good at computers i like pizza my favorite food , i was bullied lots as a kid they always pushed me and called me names i like animals i love horses, i love my bedroom its my safe place , i have star wars stuff, im not good at lots of things i cant cook, i cant handle stressful things stress causes me too hide i guess it may a sensory issue but i have no clue i wanna just be more normal i feel like im always bothering people because i love too talk and im always hyper i mean i smile all the time i know people like me because im a likable person im a very kind and caring person i have a big heart i dont let my disability stop me just message me if you ever want too talk im here if you need a friend im not going too give up i can be a good frind and a support person too anyone who needs it

Lena - posted on 05/08/2016

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I have an 18 year old with epilepsy, ADD, & AASD whom lives with me n probably will continue after he graduates high school in May I've tried getting him ready for the outside world but he is no where close to being ready to go out on his own he wouldn't survive it so I've choose to be a full time at home mom for him and my younger son

Adele - posted on 03/30/2016

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My 25-year old son stopped going to his community college. He is blaming us. Does not want to deal with his 28-old brother. Laments constantly, talks to himself at times, stopped taking his medication. We do not know what to do. I see a therapist.

Valentina - posted on 03/30/2016

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It has been a few months since posting on here. It has recently become clear that my brother now blames my mother for all his problems saying that she has caused them. He says the most hurtful things to her and all she has done is try to protect him over the years and encourage him to get better. My mum is already depressed and not coping so hearing this it is destroying her. She cannot see a way out and sees no future for her life if she has to live like this.

Monique - my brother has said the exact same thing to my mum about rather not living and he also sleeps most of the time. He has told her that he purposely tries to be asleep as much as possible. I finally persuaded my mum to stop cooking his meals (she sometimes still does) but he is not cooking for himself and is just eating ready made like frozen pizzas.

Tracy - I found it helpful hearing your story. We have very recently found out that my brother is planning a big move abroad in the hope to find a job. This is a big shock and I am very worried. My mother recently told him he has to leave like you did with your son and this has obviously made him think. I was trying to talk to him about his hatred towards my mother to try and understand it and it was interesting to hear him say that if she cared at all about him she would have kicked him out the house 5 years ago

Adele, when my brother started distancing himself after he stopped working we were not sure how to help him and then everything spiralled downwards to the point where I hardly see him now even though we live in the same house. I really hope you manage to prevent this better than we have. No matter how hard it is we cannot give up trying

Adele - posted on 03/29/2016

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I also have a son who is 25. Quit community college recently. Stopped taking medication. He is distancing himself from everyone.

Monique - posted on 03/11/2016

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I certainly empathize with everyone here. But we're all in the same boat, and I'm looking for a lifesaver. What are some strategies that have worked to influence some/any compliance with "Rules of the House" for an adult child diagnosed with Asperger's and the accompanying depression and social anxiety; or "Chores for the Adult Child still living at home" or "Get a job, sign up for school, or seek more counselling and arrange for your transportation there... " or "Take some responsibility for making a change in your life... for the better"? My son says that he doesn't care about anything and would rather not be living. So, right now he's sleeping (I think it's hour 17) and if he wasn't sleeping he would be on the computer playing a game or leading a game. He doesn't want to cook for himself, so he orders in. He wont touch dirty dishes to put them in the dishwasher... I could go on and on... but you get the idea.

Pukka65 - posted on 02/08/2016

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Torreschar,

Your post about "this is who they are," struck a cord with me. My daughter is 25 and can take care of herself (cooks, cleans and soon will be driving (took exam, passed, and wants to take driving classes), but she can't support herself. She has managed depression with meds, but still having difficulty with anxiety. I have stopped trying to fix her, but my husband has not. Meanwhile, I dont want her to stay at home forever. Do you want your twins to stay home with you or do you think they can be on their own?

Tracy - posted on 12/30/2015

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My son had to be pushed. I would have him invite someone to see a movie as a child to help him have friends. I forced him to finish high school. I forced him to drive, then I drove him to vocational school and enrolled him in a program. When he graduated with an Associate Degree, I gave him 6 months to find a job. After six months and him staying in his room 24/7, I said get a job or go back to school or leave. Well he left and drove himself across country to Oregon. He has been gone for a month, and has cut off all contact with his parents. I cry a lot, but I finally heard from his cousin that he is employed and living in a house. It has been tough, but this is what I have been trying to get him to do. I just wish he could share his success with us. So I guess my son's motivation was the anger at his parents who kept pushing him. I just didn't want him to be the son that never left his room. Now after 20 years, I have to learn to live again. It is tough on the parents too.

Tim - posted on 11/16/2015

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As if the behavior of our kids isnt' challenging enough, it really can be difficult to get a "united" front with your spouse about parenting. I went through this in my house and it added to the stress and complicated my son's behavior. I think this happened since both my wife and I spent so much time being unsure what was best, being scared about the future, and feeling a pressure to "fix" that often we ended up in a power struggle with each other.

I have found you acknowledge the pressure/strain/different opinions, make a plan for moving forward and then evaluate the results in a thoughtful, objective way. Keep asking questions and finding support to help you through.

Bill - posted on 11/15/2015

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Yes I believe it is....I am new to the forum....and sure is good to not be alone. A lot of the thoughts I have don't go over well with my spouse, so many are kept to myself.

Tim - posted on 11/04/2015

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Hi Bill,
I hear your frustration and can personally identify. it is difficult to handle this situation especially when the thoughts come into your mind that he is taking advantage of you and your wife. Questions like, how will he ever live in the "real world" and why can't he just pull it together? get in your brain and you are all of sudden confused and overwhelmed.

There is a need for balance between expectations and flexibility. I am not sure where you are in educating yourself or how much you already know about Aspergers, but I think it is really important to keep doing that.

I think it is really important to stay solution focused and to believe that, no matter how it looks, no young adult truly wants to be stuck living at home. It is really easy to see everything he is doing, or not doing, as wrong, but it is more helpful to stop and investigate the hows and whys for the behavior happening. Some of the reasons for his dropping out may have to do with ASD, but some of it may not.

Balancing what you learn about aspergers with your specific life situation is necessary since they both will play off each other. Here is some other info that may help you. http://timvaughan711.com/2015/10/roadmap...

Bill - posted on 11/04/2015

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I am educating myself about this disorder, however, can't seem to get past the mindset that he is just lazy, and just taking advantage of his mother and myself. He is back at home after dropping out of university after 3 years. Everything he does, or doesn't do drives me nuts. I often entertain the idea of moving out and leaving my wife to guide him as she appears to have more patience for his character. We lay down rules to live in our house and he just ignores them. It seems.
My son and I never really bonded, and now that he is older the tension can be over whelming for both of us. I do not like my son and do not want him in my house.
So here I am at 3:45 am with my head spinning....once again. Found this site and need to vent as my as wife just seems to "take" it....making me nuts!

Kristin - posted on 10/23/2015

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Melinda, I have a 20 year old Asperger son who is living at home while attending college. He is considering a profession in law (corporate lawyer?). He has finally discovered that learning is a relatively "safe place" for him in college. He can schedule classes that are more on his "time-clock" and all of the other students in college are new (he can go to class without high school classmates judging him).
I am telling you this because when my son was 16....Oh boy! ..... I thought our family would NOT survive the absolute h*** we were in. My son would not, actually could not, attend class regularly. He had been in the same small private school since pre-k and they did their best to work with us when he hit bottom at 16.
Ultimately, it was his first girlfriend that threw him over the edge that year. His anxiety over learning the ropes of a social relationship created monster behavior and he spiraled downhill. He missed most of the first semester of school and we managed to strike an agreement with the school. They gave him credit for classes that they could. They gave every ounce possible and then some so that he wouldn't have to repeat any of those classes for that semester. We were allowed to do accredited on-line courses (that would meet the graduating class credits of his private school) to successfully gain the needed credits for the remainder of the school year (the entire 2nd semester). He actually needed the entire semester and summer to complete what was needed to regain entrance to his private school. He did manage to attend his school and graduate with his class on time.
I was able to stay home with him through all of this and it was exhausting. Many many many tears and so many days I just sobbed in the shower and prayed for help.
My story sounds like it was easy enough.... But nothing about a hormonal strong male with Aspergers is easy. It was a brutal couple of years, BUT! We did make it.
Things are certainly not perfect here but in 4 years, he has transformed from the 16 year old that I thought would never finish high-school into a handsome young man who attends college mostly on his own. He schedules his own classes, he is responsible enough to get to them and he completes his assignments on time and is making very good grades. He takes care of his own meals (he can eat with us but he usually just does his own thing), washes his own clothes, and picks up after himself pretty well. He takes care of his car, enjoys working out (he is a perfectionist here), and has a steady girlfriend that he travels a couple of hours to visit every other weekend.
She is very smart, attractive and kind to him. They have known each other since high school. I don't think they have THE healthiest relationship of all time but it is more than anything I was ever told to expect for him.
I imagine they will likely marry each other and do OK.
I was told by several doctors over the course of his childhood, that he would probably never be able to drive, play sports and certainly never be able to live on his own.
He has defied all of those predictions, so far. Well, with the exception of actually living 100% independently. We are working on that part. I stumbled upon this site when I was wondering about Asperger's young adults with a "failure to launch". The biggest thing we are dealing with now is his unwillingness to work steadily. We don't want to enable him to stay dependent. But we also don't want to overwhelm him too soon and ruin a really good thing he has going. Really, aside from his sweet side/moody side that he has...if we can get him to actually hold a job ...then we will feel pretty darn good about helping him reach the milestones needed for him to be self-reliant.
I can not tell you how many tears and fears we have had since he was just a babe. The stress has nearly put me out of commission numerous times. We have had no family to help us and doctors just made things worse most of the time and we were too tired to make friends or attend church regularly. So, we really did nearly all of the 20 years alone. My marriage has taken an utter beating and my daughter has had to live in this chaotic nightmare, too. But! :-) ...Your son is 16, and that means you have fewer years ahead of you like this. Most of the work is under your belt, already. Prayerfully, give the next 2-3 years everything you have and your child won't slip through the cracks. He can achieve more than anyone may lead you to believe.
These next years are crucial to his ability to move into any sort of independent life. Find whatever support you can to HELP YOU so that you can give him your love and grace and firm but gentle guidance. Guilt trips and threats are no-no's. They will come back to haunt you both.
For whatever it is worth.... Serious nutrition totally trumped all medications for my son. Find someone who really knows their stuff with alternative or complimentary lifestyles and invest in it! We also learned that video games in general were not helping him. Violent ones triggered his neuro-chemicals to go totally bonkers. We fortunately did not have any violent games other than the first two 'Halo' games. (I wasn't a fan of those, even.)
But, if you can allow him only enough time to "unwind" but not "wind up" or obsess over them... Maybe 15-45 minutes, tops..? And somehow get him out of the house with you, just for a ride with the windows down or to jump on a trampoline or to ???
If you can distract him with new, somewhat neutral diversions (meaning not to overload or totally bore his sensory system) before melt-downs....then feed him and sit with him and offer help with class work. Not making him feel like a baby but to feel loved as a person who just needs a break... Help him get back into some kind of daytime ritual and bedtime ritual. (Long showers are a necessity for my son. Water just helps to re-balance him somehow.)
Anyway, even if this seems like it is "regressive", it is ok. It is kind of part of the "push/pull" cycle.
Tuck him in bed (or sit on the sofa with the TV off) and just let him lay his head on your lap and you rub his head or read him a fun short story or whatever it is that brings the two of you into "quiet and peace". Let him talk, and just reassure him that things will work out. We don't know all of the answers and progress is not always made in a linear upward path. Allow for the twists and turns and even some back-tracking when your are lost.
Have a general destination that you are traveling to in these times of "detours"....visualize them. Pray over him, with him and in the shower when you are crying your eyes out.

This time WILL pass, one way or the other.
So make it count!
Take a deep breath and give it all that you have.

*** I am guessing that you feel like you have zero left to give and you are wondering exactly how to give something you don't have.***

If that is the case: either, rely on good help, or dig down deep and r-e-a-c-h for more, or...do like I did. Be the best vessel you can be for Jesus to work through you. I gave what I could when I could and allowed Him to do what I couldn't. Learning just "how to do that" is something of a learning curve if you haven't done it. I assure you, it will be the best lesson you ever learned.
FYI: My son and I talked about the Bible during his growing up and I had my faith but I wasn't practicing it much. But when my son hit 16, I had nothing left. I was exhausted and scared and empty. I landed on my knees for the first time in a long time and prayed out loud for help. A few months later, my son was somehow invited to a church snow-skiing trip. We let him go even though he had not attended regular school that semester. He came back and was....happy...full. He was baptized a few months after that. That single prayer, that single trip, that baptism changed all of our lives. I think my son found other "broken" people in a place that loved them anyway. He found something bigger than he had ever known and it moved him in totally unexpected ways.
I don't share this part of how we made it through the teen years, very often. I am not one to push anything on to someone else, and I am not able to understand God's timing among other things. But.... Just maybe, even if "church" isn't a place you feel comfortable in, it could be a place of comfort and healing for your son? Or if you regularly go, maybe consider trying a new church for awhile? Let him pick?
After my son's church ski-trip, I found that he liked to go and sit in the smallest chapel (where our youth ministry practices and where the clergy hold their small prayer meetings) when no one was there. We would sit and pray together or just sit or just sit and talk about whatever because it was just a powerfully peaceful place to be. It was better than being on neutral ground. It was positive energy that just was simply bigger than us. It felt good to be there with no one else around. We would explore the church when no one was around (kind of like we were getting away with doing something special and maybe just a little naughty ;)...but in a respectful way, honestly.
The thing is, these kids are smart. They seem to not notice blaringly obvious things but are highly intuitive of many intangibles. Their brains run off the charts during neuro-imaging when it comes to emotional bonds and when needing to feel loved is concerned. Yet, in the very same instance they often don't reflect much, if any, emotion.
When they become totally overwhelmed, they melt-down, of course.
But maybe meds and psycho-babble aren't all that they need? Maybe, they just need to have a 'constant' that is powerful, protective, accepting, loving and guiding. Something more constant than people are capable of. Something they can 'tap into' on their own when they want to, and how they want to. It belongs to them, and no one can ever take this special "person, place, thing?" away from them.
Whatever you decide to do, please know that heart-felt prayers are with you and your son.

Holly - posted on 10/17/2015

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I'm a 30 yr old female with Asperger's... with severe anxiety... i live with a close friend who i trust.. i won't go anywhere alone etc. With alot of encouragement and a wonderful therapist and meds .. i was still having problems going anywhere alone. ... until i met a little well she's 4 yr old pup. She is a rescue min pin... she's my service dog.. I've only have had her since April. . But when i go out alone I'm no longer a lone.. she has helped me to get out more.. but still every now and then i do still have problems. . But it works for me..

Melinda - posted on 10/02/2015

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I totally understand. Im a single mum too, my son is 16. Wish i had answers, im struggling too.
Sending hugs
Melinda

Melinda - posted on 10/02/2015

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Tammy it is so hard. My son is 16 and has attended school 15 days this year. Im in Australia so our school year starts in March. I have tried psychologists snd psychiatrists with no success. He has no concept of the future, his school has tried so much to help but to what use if he wont go. Im so afraid for his future, work etc. Early intervention in Australia is great but once they are teens they fall thru the cracks, i work in a secondary college so see this everyday :( then i come hime and cry.
I pray he will find his way and love him and admire his outlook on life but he has to conform i guess to survive. Sending u love.
Melinda

Maria - posted on 09/07/2015

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you - posted 56 minutes ago
I found your post today. Reading it I felt like someone was describing my son and I. He is a young " adult" with all the same qualities as your son . He is handsome, thankful and affectionate ( most of the time). He swings between being shy and argumentative in public. Currently he takes 2 courses at the local community college( which is enough for him)- with the assistance of the gov't , his budget allows him a driver and a " shadow" at college to help keep him on task and out of trouble. He is uncomfortable with the general public, but he knows staying home most of the time makes him worse. We take each day at a time and try not to focus on what the future may bring too much. He is more or less content, I remind him all young adults struggle with school , work and independence. When I step back, and realize our reality I hope ( and it's more than likely) that he will be in a transitional home , with others like himself. He will work ( hopefully with computers) in a controlled setting with supervision. I pray that he will make attachments with those in his life after I'm gone, and like most adult children what he will most will be my cooking! Much love and support to you and your son- there are many like us. Stay upbeat , keep love in your life, it helps us rally when we are down! Maria

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Maria - posted on 09/07/2015

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you - posted 56 minutes ago
I found your post today. Reading it I felt like someone was describing my son and I. He is a young " adult" with all the same qualities as your son . He is handsome, thankful and affectionate ( most of the time). He swings between being shy and argumentative in public. Currently he takes 2 courses at the local community college( which is enough for him)- with the assistance of the gov't , his budget allows him a driver and a " shadow" at college to help keep him on task and out of trouble. He is uncomfortable with the general public, but he knows staying home most of the time makes him worse. We take each day at a time and try not to focus on what the future may bring too much. He is more or less content, I remind him all young adults struggle with school , work and independence. When I step back, and realize our reality I hope ( and it's more than likely) that he will be in a transitional home , with others like himself. He will work ( hopefully with computers) in a controlled setting with supervision. I pray that he will make attachments with those in his life after I'm gone, and like most adult children what he will most will be my cooking! Much love and support to you and your son- there are many like us. Stay upbeat , keep love in your life, it helps us rally when we are down! Maria

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Maria - posted on 09/07/2015

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I found your post today. Reading it I felt like someone was describing my son and I. He is a young " adult" with all the same qualities as your son . He is handsome, thankful and affectionate ( most of the time). He swings between being shy and argumentative in public. Currently he takes 2 courses at the local community college( which is enough for him)- with the assistance of the gov't , his budget allows him a driver and a " shadow" at college to help keep him on task and out of trouble. He is uncomfortable with the general public, but he knows staying home most of the time makes him worse. We take each day at a time and try not to focus on what the future may bring too much. He is more or less content, I remind him all young adults struggle with school , work and independence. When I step back, and realize our reality I hope ( and it's more than likely) that he will be in a transitional home , with others like himself. He will work ( hopefully with computers) in a controlled setting with supervision. I pray that he will make attachments with those in his life after I'm gone, and like most adult children what he will most will be my cooking! Much love and support to you and your son- there are many like us. Stay upbeat , keep love in your life, it helps us rally when we are down! Maria

Belkis - posted on 08/26/2015

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Linda,

Has your step son been diagnosed with ASD? Or do you think he has it? Men usually have a more difficult time accepting a disability;thus, unfortunately it may be more work for you to push to get the right diagnosis. I'm sorry, I know it's not fair. Sometimes it takes a non family member to show the family the way.

Belkis - posted on 08/26/2015

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It is difficult to get help for adults on the spectrum. I tried getting my daughter involved In the CARD center where we live and it was short lived. She made 1 friend, but it did not work out. She refused to go after that. I think the most difficult aspect of ASD is the lack of motivation that accompanies it. I know my daughter will be able to live on her own eventually a long as we are paying the bills. She can cooks, take transportation, clean and do laundry, but she can't hold down a job, so I don't know how she will survive once we are gone and the money runs out. I am thinking of starting a blog for parents of adults on the spectrum. There is so little support out there. What do think?

Reillygail - posted on 07/15/2015

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I don't think there is much support for adults with Aspergers or their parents. It seems to be all or nothing. I am happy to make a home for my son but worry for his future.

Jo Anne - posted on 05/21/2015

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I do! He turns 25 on June 1st. He lives at home and does not leave the house except for counseling appointments and psychiatrists appointments every couple of months. I always knew he has some social issues and since I am a middle school teacher, he came to my school. He was smart and seemed just quiet and shy but when he entered high school, it was a disaster. He ended up on hospital homebound for 4 years to get his diploma. He had extreme social anxiety and could not be around others. He refuses meds as he had a bad experience in the beginning the the side effect of the psychotropic drugs and I found them all over his room. He is hypersensitive to touch taste seeing, hearing and smelling so I think this played a part of his no medication rule. At this point he is on my social security. He was on SSI until I retired in October. I have my depression problems too. I do not see him leaving the house to be on his own ever, He is smart and writes music and is on his computer most of the day.We have tried to talk to him about online college but he puts it off. He does not feel good about himself in any situation. He does not see his sister and brother anymore! I have not easy answers and try to give him whatever support he needs.
Anne

Linda - posted on 03/30/2015

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My stepson is 35 and acts like 16 and cannot keep a job. He reads at maybe a 4th grade level. His mother is bipolar and schizo and stepson has problems living with her varied mental stages. She did get him on disability. Dad denies son has a problem and set him up with car, etc. and telling him he can find work. Both parents are enabling this boy. I feel sorry for him, but he refuses to obey rules and I cannot handle him living here with his dad not backing me up. Is there a program for adults to find housing and work for Aspergers?

Wilhelmina - posted on 03/18/2015

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Just found this site. Maybe I should read all the replies first, before sharing my story!

Kimmie - posted on 02/15/2015

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I feel for you. I have a very smart daughter who is a junior at an Ivy with a 4.0 gpa. She has always been different and was lied to by school administrators just to humiliate and isolate her to try to cheat her from being valedictorian of her class. She is very afraid of interaction. It may all stem from her preschool experience at Montessori. Just came from a foreign and I thought it would be good to let her go to a preschool with a big name. It was a terrible decision. Before we moved to the US, my daughter had started school in our home country. She was eager to start school here. She had no problem at Montessori for the first 6 weeks. One day I received a frantic call from the director asking me to go to the school right away. My daughter was in distraught and freaked out seeing the staff there. The principal told me to just move her to another school. I asked her for the reasons. The school gave me a letter threatening me not to pursue or they would take legal action against me if I did. I was so heartbroken seeing what. The school had done to her. She freaked out seeing strangers. I was so desperate finding her a new school but she freaked out when we were about to enter a school. Finally we found a Christian preschool and my daughter bonded with a young teacher instantly. At first grade she was able to recognize 500 words at the first attempt. Her spoken English was still not perfect yet. Many years later, my daughter knew I had always wanted to know the reasons. She told me she was very tired and told the teacher she wanted to go home. They did not let her call me and she cried. They locked her out in the playground all by herself. She was very scared and cold and hungry. She cried and knocked at the door hoping someone would let her in. It was probably too painful a memory for her. She refused to talk about it again. Her only focus now is to get 'A' in her classes. She is in pain for being lonely. She hates to interact. I am sad to see the pain she has. What should I do to help her?

Jerri - posted on 02/07/2015

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i yes Cindy my son is 21 and lives at home, he currently is V.low ( He would usually be out at work , or riding his motorbike/ car. ) Alas though he has low periods when change occurs, He did however not have good school experiences, and so has left him sad as constantly no proper friends. His Aspergers is as reported mild

Jerri - posted on 02/07/2015

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hi cindy i saw your post of your son living at home aged 25, my son is now 21 ,however before 5 he was what appeared to be a " normal " happy smiling, giggling, funny individual however, at 4.5 / 5yrs all changed. at pre.school they told us he would not actually ask to go toilet he would though smile at you waiting to be asked and then do a wiggle. by actual infant school he was regularly crying and upset with constantly ripped clothes, broken glasses , belongings missing, then juniors , he became very subdued, and as telephoned to us " your son has escaped " reply " He is Not a wild animal !!!! .then to secondary he suffered daily, with being struck over the head with anything metal ,picked up and rapped into lamp posts or poles, had major operation for urgent circumsicion, and school was meant to monitor him whilst he recovered ,so no outside play alas he was found with burst stitiches, having been wedgeed and under wear torn and privates all chaffed and cut, regularly he was collected from school and taken daily to accident and emergency, school were investigated, and son removed and huge meeting sorted involving many parties from police social services and school bodies, multie agencies etc etc. so we would not give up and fought tooth and nail, he was then in a tiny unit and SOOOO HAPPY, it wasn't to be permanent but at least he always came home, he did try a short spell in east sussex main stream still but boarded, he did not cope phoned every day throughout the day, the final straw was the beatings from students and belt buckles that have scarred his back. besides all the mental and years of pysical abuse he has passed his driving first time .he also rides a motorbike, and works for k.f.c. HOWEVER he is now again wanting to die which never leaves him when depression sets in by a trigger of even our pet dying, he trys so hard to fit in but alas fails and is tanen advantage of due to his birth age and income and able to drive etc. He also like many of you just wants acceptance, long term to have friends ,a holiday,a relationship etc HEY NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR US ALL WITH THE OBVIOUS LOVE FOR OUR CHILDREN AND YOUNG PERSONS IS IT !!!!! why can't those whom feel so perfect, have just a taste of this !!!! then view what is being "PERFECT !!!

Stephen - posted on 01/07/2015

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i have a son who is 27 years old and living with me...his characteristics have been since childhood. his grandmother knew it and protected him by limiting his neighborhood activities. he has been punished by others in school for being different. it has had a profound affect on his social anxiety and interpersonal communications. his mother neglected him growing up and allowed her husband to psychologically and physically abuse him. she never sought treatment for him. i had great medical benefits for him. his teeth were neglected, his mental health and social interaction. when the child support stopped he was let go and i took care of him. he is resentful of the world, doesnt like people and withdraws to a world of video games and internet chat rooms. nathan has completed a bachelors degree in political science/history and a masters degree in public policy administration. he doesnt like pressure and will explode emotionally if he is challenged. i do not trust him, he doesnt understand loyalty and capable of destroying me, his father as his mother has used him as a weapon against me further damaging him. i have to continue to show him compassion and stand by him. i have had him in therapy for 6 months now. i hope it is working. i keep my door locked at night. i heard nathan talking on the phone and he said if i hadnt provided what i have for him he would have killed himself. the psychological toll is starting on me now and i must find strength and resolve to help him survive. i have been supporting him for 10 years now. he is having trouble finding employment, establishing a good work record and sustaining himself. he has serious issues that keep mounting.i have to continue a supportive position with him at the same time maintain my mental sanity and safety. he displays frustration with it all and i feel for him. i will be his father, all that he has to cling to. he is very immature and doesnt do what i ask allot of times. very immature mind and behavior makes it tough for him to interview. his self esteem is low. i just saw that this is circle of moms and i am a father. whoops, sorry for the intrusion but i have to do everything i can to reach out. forgive me please

Torreschar - posted on 11/20/2014

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I will send you link from Torreschar@aol.com . One of mine wouldn't do his either. May want to 're enrolled him in school. So you can acquire a teacher through school system. It can be one on one teacher after regular school. That will finish where you left off. Call autism society and ECAC. Bribe him to do his work. Terrible, but it sometimes work. Or find out why he won't do it. Sometimes they think it's too late or its just a piece of paper (Diploma). Could be afraid of failure.
Sometimes they think they are cheating because your helping. Mine had to have a reason to do the work. That they understood. Not you. Never about you. Oh yeah, one more. He may think he is a protector against the system. Checking out against society rules. Someone on internet may be feeding him craps. Trust me. I know.

Michelle - posted on 11/19/2014

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My email is Seychelle8@yahoo.com. I would appreciate any ASD blog. Today was pretty good for Will. He actually worked with me outside in the garage for 3 hours cleaning in exchange for a video game he ordered on Steam. I asked him if I could have 2 hours of his time and he said he thought I was being too easy on him and gave me 3. He still is unwilling to do any schoolwork and becomes extremely anxious at the mention of it, so we arent pushing it. He said he felt better today, but he is usually in bed now by 8pm and its almost 10.. so hopefully , he is not going to slip into the late late hours once again. Thank you for being a friend.. and being there for us all when we need to talk. Talk soon- Michelle

[deleted account]

My email is postmaster@rireland7.plus.com
Malcolm was asking me today what's happening next.Ithink he is enjoing the help or it might be he is feeling better for talking.He says his best freind does not know whats wrong with him,he says he is good at hiding it.Ithink it would be great for him to talk to others like himself.Ihave not done very much for him today .It is so lovely to have someone out there to communicate with,thanks again

Torreschar - posted on 11/19/2014

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They do have some disability help in College. They may help him with this. While he get educated. Bring your proof of disability. Been there done that.

Torreschar - posted on 11/19/2014

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Give me your email. There is a blog made By ASD young adults. Explaining how to get through to them. And why the stuff everyone is doing isn't working. Someone gave it to me yesterday. Your son may have to 're enroll in school. Occupational Course of study. They will pass him. Or regular classes with supports. They can set it up . Where he can somewhat avoid the students. If the blog doesn't work. It's probably too late for OCS but not too late for one on one after school teacher program. Call ECAC and Autism Society.

Michelle - posted on 11/18/2014

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I am sure of one thing... I need to get organized around here. In the emotional turmoil of everything, it is like my house is falling apart. The disorganization is like my state of mind right now. I have got to stop worrying about my son so much that everything else falls apart! Today was just a little better... but just like a tired toddler gets.... he got angry at the end of hi day.If he doesnt get bak on schoolwork soon, we are going to have another year down the tube... U am starting to wonder if he can just test out of high school.... I know he;d be smart enough to pass.
Yours sounds so much like mine, Angie. I would like to continue talking long term, because if he gets outs of HS.. one day ... I will be asking you all kinds of questions about helping them with career coaching and finding their niche.
This is such a helpful site. Hats off to sharing!

Michelle - posted on 11/18/2014

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I am so happy for you. Sometimes the little baby steps mean a lot when there are so many "rainy days."- Michelle

[deleted account]

Malcolm has agreed to have the diagnosis done.I am so happy for him and hope that he gets the help he needs.Ispoke to an Autism Adviser today she was so good for me.Ispoke to the GP as I needed to be refered back to mental health .Spoke to Malcolm a lot today says that he used to miss lunch to avoid social contact at college and stand for an hour on the train rather than sit down and have to face someone.It was lovely to hear him talk.Ihave come a long way with him since you have been thereI can't thank you enough.

Torreschar - posted on 11/18/2014

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Every ASD is different. I have an aggressive one. He always right. Nothing is ever his fought. He has low empathy, tunnel vision. He doesn't pull from past to make decisions now. (Tunnel vision) You can get bruised if you are in the way. During a melt down.

I am still working on his drive to participate in the outside world. He is capabled, handsome, verbal. But, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression OCD and low self-esteem is getting in the way. But, we are getting there slowly.
First: Calm your house down.
Second: Let him pick the program

Kufu class if they like it calms them down.

My sons meltdowns are far between and less destructive. And he decided to go to therapy.

First you have to get them to understand that therapy is something everybody does. They're just as good as everyone else.

Michelle - posted on 11/18/2014

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Angie--- thank you so much. You are so awesome! Went back to the doctor. My Husband is ex military and the base wasnt going to give him any rx because of his aspergers... we had to push for it, but i didnt know about mood stabilzers... and i so appreciate it.. because we got to talk about all of that because of you.....
They gave him Prozac.. low dose.. and i am watching him carefully... he seems a little more agreeable today... even though it takes a while to take effect... i think he so wants help, and doesnt know what that it... ill keep you posted .. oxox michelle

Torreschar - posted on 11/15/2014

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Extra diagnosis happened in hospital. He sounds like he needs a mood stabilizer and a mild antipsychotic. Be careful what medicines they give him. Some medicines can make them worse so keep an eye on behaviors. I have been bruised because I tried to treat him like an nonasperger kid. When their having a meltdown. Step back. If he doesn't want to talk don't. Once he calms down. Find out what happened. What caused it. Tell him you love him . Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?. I'm sorry if I did anything. What happened to you? Maybe, we can fix it. Tell me all about it. Talk in calm voice. Even if he just destroyed your home. You are a great kid. Their nothing you can do that would make me not love you. You must be in a lot of pain. Tell me about it. Make it about him. Afterwards, you start cleaning up. A great kid like you would help me clean this up. Because, I can really use your help.

Now if you need an ambulance. Call them. Depends on situation. They can get upset because of bullying or social frustrations. Or because Thier video game or show was cancelled. Or they want you to treat them with respect. Like an adult. No matter how they act. It's baby steps.

Your home environment is it calm. Or loud. ASD kids emulate what happens around them. Most can't pull from within for drive or behavior. Do what I say not what I do don't work on any kid these days. Model the behavior. You want from him. This can take a year to change yourself for your kids. It's hard. I know. Hard to calm down. When your kid just pulled a door off hinges. And said, something disrespectful. But, it works. Mother of 3 ASD.

I'm working on life skills and careers right now. Through organizations through grants. Believe me I get it. Sometimes you just want to shake sense in them. I'm saving to set up trust for them.

I'm disabled. I use to have a great career. But, I work out of my house. For extra money.

Michelle - posted on 11/14/2014

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Angie--- thank you for telling me that. I hope that his doctor will recognize that there is more going on than he saw yesterday. I think I am going to have to insist on extra testing/ is that how your twin got the extra diagnosis? Last time we got a diagnosis was through a referred dr. through insurance... we have times where he is acting so out of control, that he seems dangerous and this is getting frequent. He has hurt me a few times and doesn't understand that he has bruised me... will laugh and say .. "you are so weak".. like a bully would say... if he has a back ache and you try and rub it, he will cry saying you are hurting him... his touch senses seem abnormal to me...testing- i need that asap since he is struggling in doing school and turns 18 in december.. thanks so much for your wisdom... I like the idea of you break it you fix it... but i dont think i can even talk to Will until some of the behaviors calm down. He is like a tornado- it seems the more you talk to him the worse he gets---i think he is going to need an antidepressant and something for attention as well... do yours sleep 12 hrs a day? mine does.... considering he only walks around the block for 45 minutes -- he is exhausted and we cant figure out why.. maybe stress?The only place i can find that i might even consider for residential trtment is called Heartlight ministries.. i just hope it wont come to that.... :< Michelle

Torreschar - posted on 11/14/2014

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My oldest not twin use to have violent meltdowns. Against the house. Repair and spackle is my name. With work and knowledge. No more big meltdowns. Small meltdowns and anxiety. I put boxing and work out equipment in my house. I tell them to punch the boxing bags. Workout that anger and stress. It helps a little. Less destruction.

Also, if you break it you fix it . Your allowance or shores will pay for it.

Torreschar - posted on 11/14/2014

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One of my twins had a breakdown at 18. I thought it was pubity. Violent, cussing, wouldn't do schoolwork, talking fast and mean. Completely out of character. Then ended up with some weird OCD, bi polar, Depression. He's better now. OCD is problem. But, everything else is gone. He's on medicine. I got a Grant and psychiatrist and nurse come check on him at my home. For free.

Michelle - posted on 11/14/2014

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You are so inspiring! Getting your niece to achieve her best and keeping everything on track..... I cant motivate my son for anything... it is almost like bleeding to death very slowly... our son was admitted to the hospital again yesterday for a complete mental breakdown.. he has lost a lot of weight, has gut issues, doesnt get enjoyment in life and has no energy... but really he has no drive...he wont do his high school online.. he wont finish anything... this happened last year too... but if anything it just worse now.. my hubby wants to put him in a 24 hr clinic because he is getting bigger more violent and hard to control.. we are spiraling out of orbit!!!!!I often dream im on a roller coaster with Will and i cant get off of it.... i dont know what to do , but it feels so hopeless sometimes.....Next monday, we are going in to see if we can get meds... but pray for us that the dr will prescribe... they wouldnt yesterday... any one else have these issues????--- Thanks Michelle

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