Does anyone have any ideas for helping my children understand why their dad won't exercise visitation with them, but has time for a girlfriend?

Becka - posted on 04/05/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My three children love their dad dearly, but are quite often disapointed when he doesn't come get them.
When he does his girlfriend is always with him, and he pays more attention to her then them. They get very jealous of her because she is taking attention away from them, and they associate the fact that they saw him more often before he met her,
Drake (8) has Aspurgers, and doesn't like change, Davis (5) is beginning to tell people he hates him, and Kaleigh (3) gets inbetween him, and his girlfriend, and says "MY Daddy!".
The children are becomming upset with me because they are told that I won't allow him to pick them up (VERY untrue!!!)
How do I help them become less angry with him, and me?

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5 Comments

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Ruby - posted on 12/01/2011

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just keep encouraging/supporting your children, they will eventually understand, never downtalk their father infront of them, it could come back on you, It will work out for you in the end trust me!!

User - posted on 04/07/2011

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Hi Becka,

I would start family therapy with them, and invite dad to come along.

If a good relationship with dad's mom (grandma) exists (or his brother or sister) talk to them.

I don't know how long the separation has existed, or dad's age...but if the separation is recent, and the girlfriend was a contributing factor, this is too soon to introduce her to the kids. I don't think children of divorce should be put through the dating process of their parents...bonds get formed and children's hearts break harder then we know....and then boyfriend/girlfriend number 5 is introduced and the cycle starts again.

If you can, talk to him about simply daddy time. Do not make it about HER or what you might be thinking. Only talk about the children and their needs.

Good luck...this is a very rocky road to travel, and you are going to be needing your hiking boots.

Sheila

Aimee - posted on 04/06/2011

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i think u need to phone him and meet up and say to come on his own and when u get him there u need to sit down and tell him how the kids are feelin and u tell him he needs to spend more time with his children than with his girlfriend if not then u will have no choice to take him to court and get visitin rights and say i dont want this and can we do this properly and tell him he he needs to come on time hope this helps

Angela - posted on 04/05/2011

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Wow, this sounds familiar. Basically I can only tell you what I did. I turned all of our conversations to email conformations or email conversations period. I don't know about your state, but in mine they are date and time stamped so they are admissible in court. I kept a notebook record of when he did pick them up, at what time, and when I picked them up from him (make sure you are punctual). Now, once you have some of this information showing that you've confirmed his visitation with him in email, his response, if he didn't pick them up a civil email asking if everything is ok explaining to him that he is hurting his children by not showing up and they miss him. Give him a chance to make up his visitation if he has a reason for actually missing it. Ask him to make plans ahead of time so you can make the children aware so they aren't so disappointed. Trying to be civil and understanding with each other only helps the kids.

If none of this works, threaten to hit him in the wallet. Most states give an abatement for the time that they spend with the children on their child support. If you have to take care of them more than you are scheduled to. You can also ask for visitation to be modified. Sometimes getting hit like that can make them see the light of day.

Good luck! Hopefully just the talking will help.

Iva - posted on 04/05/2011

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the kids are so young that they really wont understand even if you tryed to put it in kids words for them. as they grow up they will start to. and when he tells them "you wont let him pick them up" tell your kids that it is un true and your daddy can pick u up and time he wants to. but you should go in front of a judge and tell them about this. my ex was once like this as well. but i went to the judge and told them what was going on. and how he never comes on time (if he comes at all) to pick up the the kids. the judge set a visition order for him to follow and if he doesnt he has to pay more child support or even go to jail. so i hope i helped you little.

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