Guilt about respite

Kelly - posted on 02/09/2010

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all your help. My son starts his first day of respite tommorrow and i am looking forward to the break. I also found out that this respite has a very low occupancy race so it will be my son and one otehr child whom he has known most of his life. Thanks again

Nichola - posted on 02/09/2010

Get the respite care. There's nothing to feel guilty about. I spent 12 years struggling with a daughter with Asperger's and two other children. Most of the time I was alone dealing with the stresses every day. As my daughter became older, she relied on me for everything. Because she had excluded herself from social situations, she needed me to be her friend and entertainer. This was easy when she was little, however, since she started her period at ten she became unbearable. Now she is bigger than me and uses her weight to boss me and her brothers around. She finds it hard to accept that I discipline her because she sees me as her friend, and she is always defiant. Two weeks ago she attacked me and her elder brother, and attempted THREE TIMES to jump from my living room window, which is 3 storeys up. Then, in frustration, she went to her room and repeatedly banged her head against the wall until a hole appeared in it. I had no option but to have her arrested by the police, for her own safety as well as the safety of me and her brothers. I refused to collect her and she is now in foster care because I simply cannot cope. I was never given the option of respite, but I think maybe it would have helped a lot.

Renee - posted on 02/03/2010

Get the respite care - it made a world of difference in my life to have someone take over. It will also give him the outlet. You don't have the use of a car to drive to the park? I would make some effort to get to a park or at least get him a small trampoline for his room or the lounge. My son cannot function without his. It's like $36 at a sporting goods store and it has saved countless beds from being destroyed in our house. You need the break, he needs a break from you and different scenery. Good luck. DON'T FEEL GUILTY.

Kimberly - posted on 02/03/2010

Hi Kelly,
As a mother of a 22 yr. old son with Asperger's, I have been through the entire spectrum of feelings and guilt trips and necessary changes to make room for life in the Asperger zone. My younger son was born only 18 months later, so my hands were full and I was pulling my hair out. This was 20 years ago, when there were not many services available to me. I did not have respite. But I had early childhood intervention and regional services that came to my house. I comend you for seeking help and asking questions. Please continue to do so. :) It is only normal for you to need a break to gather your peace and energy to keep on going with all the diligence and patience it takes to raise a child in the Autism spectrum. You will be repeating yourself so many times it will drive you nuts. And to top it of, you will have another child. Thankfully, it will be a learning and strengthening experience for your whole family.
Please keep in mind that the more social interactions your child can get, the better. That is the only way they learn how to cope with the outside world. And to be in the hands of qualified professionals is a blessing. I work with special needs pre-K in my school district, as well as help coach other parents, and my advice from that point of view is to always always ALWAYS be 100% involved with what your child's teachers are doing. Ask them questions, ask them how you can incorporate school life into home life with things like using velcro and charts of functions required of your child in the home...like brushing teeth, eating, play time, nap time, story time..etc. For a child with Autism, structure and repeated visual and hands-on technique are the best tools you can use. For some reason, when they see what they need to do next and feel like they are in charge of it, it helps them settle down and stay on task. You can tell when they are getting over-stimulated and it is time to move on, and the schedule will be adjusted of course, but it just makes it easier to have a strict structure for the day. I am just offering this info to you for your consideration and maybe to help you feel less frustrated and more empowered when it comes to your parenting techniques.
Enjoy your time alone, dear one. It is few and far in between. You deserve it. And you child can only benefit. :)

Amanda - posted on 02/02/2010

I have been exactly in your place, Kelly, pregnant with my daughter (who is now 10 months) and struggling to deal with a very active autistic preschooler. In the end, I put him in preschool 5 days a week on the recommendation of his pediatrician and I felt very guilty about it. It turned out to be the best thing we ever did. He began to get more comfortable around other children and adults, and because there were so many people around who were paid to keep him busy, he had a lot more fun than he did with his hugely pregnant mom. Put your feet up on your day off, relax a little. Your world is about to get even more complicated and you've earned the occasional hour off!



Amanda

Blogging for Billy at www.AmandaBroadfoot.com

Lori - posted on 02/02/2010

I think that respite is can be beneficial to both the parents and the children. It gives everyone a break. I have an 11 year old stepdaughter with Aspergers and then 3 younger children of my own, one of who is only 4 months old. It can get quite loud in our house with 2 toddlers and a baby and sometimes it can just be too much for my stepdaughter to handle. I felt guilty the first time we used respit too but now my husband and I look forward to the break because we know that our daughter will come home from the respite house relaxed and it will be easier for her to handle the daily activity in our house. Without the occasional respite care she becomes very anxious and tends to be destructive.
It's important for you to relax too so that you can be a better mom. None of us can do a good job as a mom when we are stressed to the max. Enjoy the breaks and remember that this doesn't make you a failure. Good luck!

Jennifer - posted on 02/02/2010

Don't feel bad about needing or wanting quiet time for your self. And maybe there are good benefits to be found in it, such as... I don't use respite and I have been told by our behavior therapist that my daughter would benefit from having to deal more with other people, and she has suggested using respite care for that reason. Hang in there!