had to call the police on my 13yr old today,I'm at my wits end.

Family - posted on 04/14/2012 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My recently diagnosed aspie son could not be controlled today. he started by irritating his 12 yr old sister by rapping on her bedroom door repeatedly while we we out buying a graduation suit for his older brother. He moved on to humming very loudly while his sister was trying to watch TV then started cursing and kicking and arguing with us when we intervened. It moved on all afternoon, he threw things at me, took a picture of his grandparents out of a frame and tore in in two. It went on for hours. He left for almost an hour to ride his bike which I had hoped he would return calm but instead he started throwing coaster etc. at my back. I was told that I shouldn't let him get me to engage when he is like this so I picked up my laptop, grabbed my purse and left the house in my car. I tried checking in with my husband about 20 minutes later and he was following our son around because he was set to destruct, walking around the house looking for things to break and damage. He disconnected all the wires to the TVs, ripped paint from his wall ( how does someone manage that exactly, I don,t know) emptied all his bureaus on the floor. my friends did not want me to drive back home alone so one drove me home in my van and her husband followed in their car. They came in and stayed for about an hour in the hope that the presence of other might make him stop . Pat disappeared into the shower for a good 30 minutes then rolled into his bed. The moment I closed the door behind our friends, Pat was back following me around and verbally abusing me. When I ignored him he grabbed my filing box ( I had been doing taxes earlier in the week) and threw them around the living room We now 4 or 5 hours into this behaviour and I was no longer able to cope. I started yelling at him and I grabbed him to stop him from destroying more of my papers. My husband got involved and Pat just went crazy trying to bite and hit and kick and head butt. i called 911, he police came and stayed and talked to us, to Pat to my other two etc. ( We are apparently in the system as an address with a child with issues so they were somewhat prepared for what they encountered.) an hour and a half later, they left. We were drained. How do people cope with this condition????

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Sarah - posted on 04/17/2012

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My heart goes out to both of you, and although my son hasn't reached the hormonal puberty meltdowns yet, I do know how even the normal meltdowns are heart breaking, partially IMO because it is such a switch, they can be such beautiful gentle souls and sometimes you simply have no clue what brought on the switch, often I believe even they don't know. You never quite know what they will take to heart, at times I'll hear someone say something to him and I'll suck in my breath waiting for him to react and he won't even notice, while other times I won't think anything of what has been said and he'll take it to heart, they have their own inner morral code of what is okay and what is upsetting, sometimes it will line up with yours or mine, but often it won't. Denise you say you don't know how you cope, but you cope the same way most of us do, you try as hard as you can to understand the way they think and process things, and when that fails, to understand that maybe you never will but you can empathise with their pain, and except that they don't say much of anything with malice, which is why often they don't get why others are being so hurtful. I would suggest though that Family Mum looking back at your original post its possible that your son was trying to get his sisters attention, and felt like she was ignoring him, and depending on how she went about asking him to go away or leave her alone may not have helped. Just make sure that everyone knows to have extra patience with him, to be careful how they word things to him, and that none of it is his fault, he can't help it. Home needs to be a sanctuary, his safe place where people are more understanding.

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Anaquita - posted on 05/25/2012

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From what I've read, both the initial post, and your comments, at least in part, he's doing this on purpose. And not so much because has Aspergers. Or perhaps he's using it as an excuse to get away with some of this. Especially the more malicious behavior. Asperger kids are high functioning enough to know right from wrong. Sometimes they are in a situation they can't cope, but from what you described, I don't think that's the case. When it comes to consequences, if you say no TV, then take all the cords and lock them up. Same with computers, cell phone if he has one, etc. Lock them up too. Some place he can't get to. Ground if necessary. And perhaps some serious therapy. Also I suggest tossing him into something, like martial arts. Or perhaps a team sport. Make them aware he has Aspergers, but often activities like that encourage kids to actually focus and behave well. (Make sure whatever it is you toss him into has that as a main tenant). If you're set to go somewhere and he acts out, don't take him. Basically come down on him for his bad behavior, hard. (Mind you I'm not implying physical punishment) If you have too, when grounded, make it with absolutely NO privileges. Especially when he becomes destructive, or he physically hurts someone. If my son did even a portion of what you described he would be in his room, no computer games, TV, fun of any kind, for a week, minimum.

Tracy - posted on 05/25/2012

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I have a son with high functionng autism and your story is very real to me along with your pain and frustration. First I have to say that the "experts" do not know everything nor every child, family situation. I do not agree in ignoring this behavior. I do not know your situation personally and do not know what is best for you and your family, but you do. I learned a long time ago to stop listening to the experts and start listening to my gut. We began an home based ABA program when my son was three and I emersed myself in books, reserch and attended numerous seminars on everything to diet to Funtional Analysis. Our ABA consultant was determined to find what function every behavior had. When my son was in Junior high school he was the victim of teasing and bullying. I was not aware of it at first and then his behavior went off the charts. We learned about the teasing and began working with our school, and brought in outside services to help our son. A year and a half later the situation had not improved but became so severve that I worried about my child hurting himself. My gut told me to pull him out of school and home school or find a school that had a better social situation. I was told by all the experts and my family that Andrew would suffer by not having the social benefit of school. I listened to my gut. My son is now doing great, we rarely have behavioral problems. I challange you to find a place you can spend time looking at the problem from every angle and decide what function does this behavior serve. Are there other people who trigger this behavior? What is it that your son needs that he is not getting? Remember it can be from anywhere in his life. These kids do not always tell everything like we think they do. Then try to listen to what he is telling you about what is going on, there will be subtle clues. Then develop your own plan to deal with it. If it does not work keep at it to you find something that does. One more thought I would like to share is that it serves no purpose to call the police. If your childs behaviour is so severe that you can not handle it you should call the paramedics and take him to the nearest hospital so that he can can intense treatment. We would always restrain Andrew until he could calm down, sometimes it took hours but eventually he would calm down. We now have a punching bag and when Andrew feels like he is getting really frustrated with situations he goes and has a round with the punching bag - it really works.

Cynthia - posted on 05/21/2012

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And most Of all keep him active. Even though there children young adult or even young teens, they need to be active in sports, yoga something they like or love.

Cynthia - posted on 05/21/2012

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Hopefully my advice will help you.if not my prayers are with u. First thing he needs to be in an environment were they help child young teens with issues of that sort where they help them express themselves in a positive way. Places you should check is the school system and court. Dcfs, they have site for testing of IEP and other things related . I know because I have a child since little with a disorder like that , which now he is going to be 15 in August. He was diagnosed with in cognitive impairment which is a part of the brain is just not connecting quiet well, he looks normal and he doesn't look retarded, straight a student but with also diagnose ADHD . So I've been a recorder over and over to my child repeating everything. I wish I can say it gets better, b ut it doesn't , but with help it makes-me feel like I'm winning. So do the reach the is help there is hope. Keep faith sincerely ..... Me...

Lorri - posted on 05/02/2012

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Family Mum, You are singing my song! I have a 15 year old boy who is doing all of the same things! He ripped his door off the hinges, busted through several other doors, breaks things all the time. He is horribly rude to our family. Calls us names. It is a nightmare and sometimes it feels like no one understands. My son has seen several therapists and well...none seem to work long term. We finally tried Vyvanse in November to see if it would help with concentration in school and slow his impulsivity down. It was wonderful at first and then he claims it made him feel strange and he attacked my husband one night so DS recently stopped taking it. Talking to Pedi tomorrow to see alternatives. My son rules this family and it has been a nightmare for all of us. His Bro and Sis are wonderful, kind, etc. and we just do not know how to parent our DS. We are currently in therapy again with a Psychologist but not sure if this will work. I try, try again. Been working my tail off seeing specialists, reading books, doing research. Will never stop but....boy this is too much to handle. Please know that others do exist out there. I do know exactly what you are going through. I will post what Pedi says about Concerta or other meds. I will post what works with the new Psychologist. If we can help eachother....then I can make some sense out of this!! :)

Sarah - posted on 04/19/2012

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okay, you say he dosn't do this at school, well two options there, either the meds he takes are wearing off at that point my mum is bi-polar she used to be on a different mood stablizer and you could tell the point at which it started to wear off, suddenly she would become beligerant, this happens for two reasons, not only is the drug no longer having its effect, but she would be going into mild withdrawal, making her bitchy, she was far more dangerous on the meds than she had ever been off, she is on somthing different now and has not had problems since, my point is his meds may not be the right ones for him, or he may need a second dose in the afternoon to make the effects more stable. the second could be diet, I know I mentioned this in my first post, but this really can have an over the top effect on aspergers. to the point that some people I've talked to have had to switch to all organic, no wheat gluten or dairy, and no processed foods. I'm fairly lucky for my son its just caffine orange/red colourings and excessive sugar. and even then some brands are worse than others. but until you find some way to get this under control no matter what his mood appears to be don't let them be alone together, separation is actually recomended when safty is an issue. but mostly I would say talk to his doctors tell them how worried you are about the safety of your other children, there may be some more options they have that they can use before the problem gets any worse

Family - posted on 04/19/2012

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Unfortunately my son does act with malice. His sister is 21 months younger than him and she forgives him time and time again but she is understandably reaching her limit. I watch and try to intervene hopelessly. Yesterday they each came home from school and my daughter was quietly blowing soap bubbles as part of an experiment and he came up and first broke her bubbles and then took over her experiment. A little later they took a soccer ball to the park but returned quite quickly. Sarah sat down on the grass in the middle of yard and started to tell me tearfully how he had purposefully kicked the ball into her face. He walked up to her and kicked hard at her body. From there he tried to tear the gazebo curtain and picked up and threw a hammer that I had been using earlier. Eventually he went down to watch TV (only because I had told him that he would loose that privilege and he wanted to prove to me that I have no control on what he does) Today when they each came home I greeted them with the idea of walking to get an ice cream at DQ once homework was done. Only Pat had a bit so he went up to do it. When he came down a bit later I had just made a cup of tea so he went to join her outside where he took the soccer ball from her, then kicked it into the pool then wildly shook the swing set that she was o, hit her because "she deserved it", and then sent the teeter-totter portion of the set careening into the fence, trying to break both the swing and the fence. he moved around the yard and house looking to destroy things, pulling leaves off the new roses bushes and upending chairs. Home is supposed to be his sanctuary? What about the rest of us? Everyone in this house is at his mercy. We know that at any time he might destroy their things and verbally and physically attack them. He shows zero remorse. Whom ever is his target is always at fault and deserves what they get. Sarah accepts way more hurt from him than any 12 year should have to bare. Is something behind his rages ? probably, bust more often than not he is just taking it out on easiest target. Events like the last two days, that didn't deteriorate into several hours long meltdowns, occur pretty much everyday. I need to be a parent and an advocate for ALL my children. He does know the difference between right and wrong. He does not experience these meltdowns at school or when he is with his friends (yes, he has several). I do believe that he has Aspergers. I do believe that his challenges with flexibility and executive function are part of his hard wiring but I also believe this is his way of exerting control over us. Tonight when he went to bed at 10 he announced to me that he doesn't like his pills and that he will not take them tomorrow. Oh joy, just knowing what I'll face tomorrow in the AM to cajole him into taking them, or what might be on the horizon later if he really doesn't. I can only imagine, Denise, what feeling you experienced when your son was on the bridge, and I'm so very glad that there was not a tragic ending. In my case I'm afraid that it will be one of my other 2 kids, or myself, up on that bridge someday.

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Exactly the words I have in my heart for our gentle souls, just couldnt word it out loud. This says it perfectly.

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I have no words of wisdom as I to have a teen boy with emotional hormonal meltdowns. Partly aspie, partly puberty male testosterone. I have only encountered one meltdown at home with him where I was very concerned for his safety, and the people involved that spurred the start of it. Of course this meltdown was actually 3 weeks in the making, home was the final crack. He left home in just his shorts crying so hard he couldnt catch his breath and beyond enraged. We live here in good old MN where its still staying in the 50s if we are lucky. I followed him and gave him his shoes and coat and asked him where he was going of course he said the river.....yes I was terrified. I let him make the trek there alone, then came to him once I saw he made it there. I just talked to him let him scream and vent, when it was all over he hugged me and said mom you are all I have to live for in the world. Up until that point I didnt know if my love and him knowing how much I love him would keep him on that bridge. I got home and I let it fly because of how he was attacked by the other family members. It was his birthday and he was already emotionally fragile and they took none of this into account when they lashed out at him. Up until that point he was in his room on the computer and not bothering anyone except for the occasional telling his niece in that tone we know aspie's use to leave him alone. So coping I dont know how I do it, I just do. It has become second nature, maybe even first that he talks loudly, rudely and lacks tact. He isnt purposely being inconsiderate, he is acting in the manner that his brain functions.

Sarah - posted on 04/15/2012

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my point about his understanding of hiis disgnosis, was more to say that the uncetainty may be whats fuling his mealt downs, and people can be very strang about what they don't understand, three examples my aunt told my grandmother that my son was going to die, that that was what aspergers meant, that everyone was lying to her to spare her feelings, no matter what anyone said to my grandmothe after that she would say you don't have to protect me! my mil is so determined that she isn't sick (EVER) that she won't go to the doctor at all in case he finds something, because if she dosn't know its there then it isn't. my husband, who dispite having an aspergers son, and knowing that there is nothing wrong with that, is determined that he dosn't have it, he will be so brutally honest sometimes and not realize that maybe it might have hurt because it was the truth (he isn't somone you ask if the dress makes your but look big) it isn't that he dosn't want the label he just can't see it, and dosn't get why others are so insistant. Personaly the not engaging appraoch has never worked for me it tends to just make things worse. think of it like those times when something is bugging you, something someone said or did, you can't talk it out with anyone (for what ever reason), now if you are alone and don't distract yourself you (when it's especially bad) end up either out loud or in your head having whole arguments, you think of how they would probably say this you resopnd, your anger builds, the cycle goes on and on until you break it, and even then it takes a while to calm down. that is what it is like in an aspie head when this happens, except often they don't understand the emotions, or know how to express them. I find if as early as possible in the cycle, when you see the signs, engage then, not as in talk it out, because it is likely the problem he is having is in expressing something bothering him, and trying to talk him through it at this point is like trying to ask the hormonal pregnant woman why she burst out crying watching the add about fly spray. trhe melt down itself helps no-one least of all your son, so when I say engage, I mean find a way to engage his brain, I talked earlier about having him focus on something, a couple of rules to make that work, it needs to take concentration for him (not you my son finds alot of my things too simple) it needs to be something he enjoys doing, it needs to be quiet (and I don't mean like no noise just not raucous my son plays xbox and jumps while he does it this is still quiet) and it needs to be solitary. he dosn't have to do this alone all the time like the xbox example he could be playing with somone normally, but for this excercise its used like a time out, just for the brain. time outs where you send them to just do nothing, I find, just send them into a tail spin. when my son was younger and still occasionally the teacher in class would give him something to fiddle with when his only participation would be listening, either one gives a part of them a task to calm them down.

Family - posted on 04/15/2012

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To say that he is aware of his diagnosis is a bit overstating it. He knows that he has Aspergers but he is completely unwilling to learn what that means. I have tried explaining it to him on a few occasions,as have our social worker and psychiatrist but he just walks out of the room. I have bought a couple of books including 1 written by a 13 yr old, he won,t read them. Today he has been a completely different person. He has played backgammon with his sister, complemented me on the omelette I made for breakfast, and toughed it out to read 60+ pages of a French mystery novel for school tomorrow. I saw many signs of "rumbling" (pre-meltdown behaviour) this morning, including speaking at a very loud volume and pacing, but now, at 8pm I'm hopeful that we'll reach bed time without a major, or minor, incident today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Sometimes we can go a week or two without incident. Often there are daily trials. I'm currently on a leave of absence for depression, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to return to work.

Sarah - posted on 04/15/2012

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every kid is different, my son while not that old and mild aspergers, has definately had his moments, however our psychologist did warn us about how the teenage years especially will be difficult, ultimately she described because of the hormonal surges coupled with the autism childs trouble and at times inability to cope with or express their emotions are a bad combination. I would also see about checking what he ate that morning, caffine and sugar in my two other kids will just make them giggley and energetic, my aspergers son on the other hand becomes a little monster. any foods that are known to cause problems with kids with add and adhd are possible time bombs, and unlike some things the effects will be noticable in under 20 mins. I would also ask, if he is aware of his diagnosis, what that means to him, you may find that he is scared and lashing out, and realy not knowing how to deal with or even express that fear? ultimately through trial and error you find what works and what dosn't, and not everything works every time. but ultimately finding something for him to focus on, it may be painting warhammer figurines, lego helps wit my son but yours may be a little old, or computer games can help (although we've had problems with little big plannet and a couple of others that cause simmillar problems to what you described)

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